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Original poster

Going out to places by yourself when you have no friends

117 replies

Wobblysausage · 17/08/2021 10:40

Not things like shopping or day to day stuff but going to the cinema, going for something to eat etc. Does anyone do it by themselves and is it as scary as I’m thinking it will be?

I’m a single parent, no partner (no chance of ever meeting anyone either) and handful of friends who never invite me to do anything or want to spend time with me unless it’s convenient for them. I’m just sick of it and sick of asking them to do things to be told they’re busy or yeah we’ll arrange something basically just fobbing me off. I’ve got the message now loud and clear, I’m only here for them when they need something and not the other way around! It’s fine, I’m not going to dwell on it, I’m going to start doing things alone so I don’t miss out! I’m just so scared though! I do have social anxiety (properly diagnosed, not just saying it for effect) so it’s even more scary for someone like me!

I want to learn how to be comfortable being alone, not rely on other people for my happiness and I figure this is a logical step to doing that! Don’t want to see it as being lonely or having no one, I want to see it as I can be happy doing it alone! If that even makes sense.

Any tips or words of reassurance that it won’t be as awful as I’m imagining?

OP posts:
MayorGundersonsDogRufus · 17/08/2021 13:19

I'm having lunch by myself in a restaurant right now, OP! No one gives a damn. Service is quicker too.

Featherweight372 · 17/08/2021 13:24

Oh and when you eat out for the first time try and find somewhere that has rows of chairs that face the window. Perfect for people watching.

Does anyone know any cafe/restaurant chains that have seating like that? I can't think off the top of my head.

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 17/08/2021 13:25

I have a book called the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. It's about channelling your inner creativity.

Among the things she suggests is taking yourself on an 'Artist's Date'. You're meant to go alone (you and your inner artist)
I did this (went to an art gallery by myself) and it felt quite empowering. I also really enjoy sitting in a coffee shop alone, with a book not my phone)
Perhaps you could consider it in the same light?

I highly recommend the book, by the way. I've become more confident in being who I am, as well as coming over all creative, when I didn't think I had it in me.

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 17/08/2021 13:26

@Featherweight372

Oh and when you eat out for the first time try and find somewhere that has rows of chairs that face the window. Perfect for people watching.

Does anyone know any cafe/restaurant chains that have seating like that? I can't think off the top of my head.

My local Costa does this, but lots of the little ones do too (Lanes in Brighton, specifically)
LimberlostLark · 17/08/2021 13:45

Not things like shopping or day to day stuff but going to the cinema, going for something to eat etc. Does anyone do it by themselves and is it as scary as I’m thinking it will be?

It's really not scary.

I used to travel a lot for work - different places and countries - I would often eat out alone, do things in the evenings alone and, when staying over a weekend, do some sight seeing alone.

Genuinely, some of my favourite times were doing that.

I once spent 4 days in New York alone over a long weekend - did loads, including dinner and theatre - and loved it. For dinner, I always took my Kindle and read.

It's the No 1 thing I miss about those days - the leisure time alone.

RestingStitchFace · 17/08/2021 13:48

Cinema very easy to do by yourself. Especially during the day. Nobody blinks twice. Ditto galleries, museums, shops etc.

Restaurants not too tricky during the week/daytime but harder on weekends/evenings when they prefer to fill tables with bigger parties.

Antinerak · 17/08/2021 13:48

I love it. Put some headphones in with a podcast or music and distract yourself from worrying about what others think. Start with short trips and eventually you'll feel confident enough to go for longer. Picnics or sitting in the car picnics are great for starting to eat in public too.

LimberlostLark · 17/08/2021 13:48

I’m not going to dwell on it, I’m going to start doing things alone so I don’t miss out!

I also think this is a great way to look at it. Doing things alone is a thousand times better than not doing them at all (assuming you want to do them).

Popcornbetty · 17/08/2021 13:53

Op loads of adults i know including myself and dh would and do happily go to the cinema alone. It's bloody amazing! Nobody tapping you talking and only yourself to think about. Nothing better than booking a well positioned seat and treating yourself to some favourite sweets/chocs and relaxing with something 'you' want to see! After years going with friends, dh and now my young dc going alone is a revelation and my guilty pleasure!

Fruitinator · 17/08/2021 14:22

Just want to reiterate what others have said. Go for it OP, even if you feel self conscious, just think you will never see these people again.

After working away a lot and staying alone in a hotels & a DP who also works away on shifts, I decided to get out and about more. I remember once suffering from anxiety visiting Windsor Castle alone- in the end had the best time.

Exhibitions, Art galleries and Museums are a great one alone- look at what you want for as long as you want. I go to an event at the NEC every year (pre-covid) and book VIP tickets- which wouldn't be the same in a group. I've done language classes & cookery classes alone, even went wine tasting once.

National Trust is great, get membership you don't have to stay all day.

notacooldad · 17/08/2021 14:28

I've been going to places such as the cinema gigs and theatres by myself since I was 14. My mum never understood it a d has only just come to terms that I'm quite happy travelling abroad by myself and have done for the past 36 years. I do have friends a husband and family.
However if I fancy doing something that they dont want to do or can't make it I've always had the attitude that I dont want miss out .
What on earth do you think is scary about going to a cinema by yourself. Nothing is going to happen to you. Other people dont care who other people are with.
Just live your life.

horseymum · 17/08/2021 14:42

Lunchtime concerts might be good too, often an organ recital in a cathedral, or at a music college if there is a big city near you. Even if the music might not be your first choice, you can relax and spend some time thinking or not thinking and there is no interval where you are expected to talk to others. You might get into some music you hadn't tried before.

AuntieMarys · 17/08/2021 14:51

I'm married but do loads of stuff alone....hiking, shopping, going to bars/ restaurants......no one will look at you! Go for it!

TheDuchessofDukeStreet · 17/08/2021 14:54

There’s such a lot of good advice OP. I would just urge you to enjoy yourself. There is a gorgeous vintage book published by Virago called Live alone and like it by Marjorie Hillis that I really recommend. It’s American and a lot of the suggestions reflect bygone New York, it’s a joy to read though, and you can take the spirit of the book and translate it into the things you want to do where you live. Always take a book with you. It’s a girl’s best chaperone!

ignatiusjreilly · 17/08/2021 15:00

I used to feel the same as you, OP, but these days I love doing things by myself.

You could write a list of all the things you would like to do, even things that seem impossible with your anxiety, then just pick whichever feels easiest (I agree with others that the cinema is the perfect one to start with). When you feel comfortable doing that, choose another off the list.

Before you know it, you'll be sailing through your list and loving your new-found freedom.

None of my friends share the same interests as me, so I regularly go to see operas, ballets and concerts by myself. I've found that other people are really chatty and friendly to me (despite being in London!) and all my anxiety about it has gone.

You can do it!

Mindyourbusiness22 · 17/08/2021 15:41

It’s not scary, maybe a little daunting at first. I went travelling on my own so that helped me later I life. Then in my mid-20s I started travelling for work, usually alive for a few days which meant eating out / doing stuff on my Todd. I don’t mind it.

Is there any type of groups, clubs, exercise type things you could join and meet like minded people?

OneMoreForExtra · 17/08/2021 15:46

I want to learn how to be comfortable being alone, not rely on other people for my happiness and I figure this is a logical step to doing that! Don’t want to see it as being lonely or having no one, I want to see it as I can be happy doing it alone! If that even makes sense.

I really want to complement you on your positive, empowering attitude OP. You're an inspiration!

I don't personally like going to the cinema alone- tried it once and it felt a bit like I was hiding in the dark from the reality of not having anyone to go with - but I'm clearly in the minority there!

But lunch, tea or coffee out alone is heaven! Definitely have a book or notebook as your companion, or as a PP has said just people watch.

Museum as well - I've done less of this but used to love a browse of the Nat Gall when I had free time in Central London. I often agree a meeting meeting point with companions when visiting museums or other places of interest in a group, so I can have a proper browse at my own pace on my own.

Travelling for hols- in my experience you end up meeting other solo travellers and have the option of joining a loose group. I actually met DH when I joined a traveling group on my own, not that that was the reason.

I don't recommend going down the disguise route (work clothes, laptops and prop work papers - unless you're actually working!). Keeping up the pretense is draining and sends yourself the message that you need to legitimise going out on your own. You don't- enjoy!

Parentingdilemmas · 17/08/2021 16:02

Firstly, I’m proud of you for trying to take control of your happiness. You shouldn’t miss out on doing things just because you have unauthentic friends so well done for identifying that.

Why don’t you start with a cinema trip, I say this because it’s dark in the screening so if you feel wobbly and anxious then you can rest assured nobody is watching you. See how you get on with that and then maybe try a cafe next time, sit and have a nice drink and some cake and take a book with you? Try and let yourself go in the moment x

notacooldad · 17/08/2021 16:07

I don't personally like going to the cinema alone- tried it once and it felt a bit like I was hiding in the dark from the reality of not having anyone to go with
I live going to the cinema alone ( or with Dh ) as I have a couple of mates whobtslk all the way through and drive me and the rest of the audience mad!!! One friend is forever pointing out inaccuracies or things that are plausible in action films for example. Much better for my blood pressure if I'm alone!!🤣🤣🤣

Noluthando · 17/08/2021 16:08

I've done many solo things when travelling, or when I moved to a new place or just when others when available to come with. I used to find it funny how the restaurant waiting staff were really attentive when I was on my own. I used to imagine they might think I was a restaurant critic ! Cinema is fine. Pubs and restaurants are fine, just take a book.

Hen2018 · 17/08/2021 16:10

By chance I’ve just come back from a day out! I probably do it once a month (no real child care).

I do a museum or art gallery, charity shops and have a cup of tea in a cafe.

No friends locally so I’ve done this for at least 15 years.

I also go to the cinema by myself.

Noluthando · 17/08/2021 16:10

Just to add- travelling and holidays alone have pros and cons over going with a friend. If I go in future I would go on some sort of activity holiday or tour.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 17/08/2021 16:12

If it helps I used to work in a busy, upmarket coffee & wine bar type place and most of our customers in the day were women on their own ! I always used to assume they were taking a break whilst dc were at school. I was probably assuming wrongly sometimes but I can assure you no one thought any of them were weird or anything like that. Usually we would say ‘ooh I’m so jealous of some alone time!’ Some would come in 4pmish and have cake and a glass or two of wine and read or go on laptop.

DukeOfEarlGrey · 17/08/2021 16:14

I do this all the time and love it. Today I had lunch in a restaurant on a whim and it was really enjoyable. I had just bought a book so I read a little bit but mainly people watched and planned things in my notebook. The waiter asked if I was waiting for anyone before taking my order and I’m so comfortable with this that it hadn’t even occurred to me he might think that. He looked vaguely apologetic for asking!

CovidCorvid · 17/08/2021 16:22

Just do it. I’ve been doing stuff on my own for years and it becomes so normal I just don’t think about it now.

I’m currently on holiday by myself. I’ve had lunch in cafes/pubs every day by myself. I just don’t think about it. Can’t say I’ve noticed anyone stare, etc. I actually got chatting to a lady at the next table today and she did ask if I was on holiday by myself and when I said yes, she just said I was very brave. I don’t feel brave, it’s just normal for me.