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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
GoldenBlue · 16/08/2021 19:15

@MariposaLilly

You have not been planning ahead at all.

You have known your son was living in an unstable home with his drunken father and you knew your husband and you could not sleep in the same room. Why didn't you buy a three bedroom house years ago? You both work.

Your husband has been kicked out of his bed so your son can sleep in it and you are mad because he's grumpy. Why didn't you give your son your room and you sleep on the couch?

Apologize to your husband and you sleep on the couch until you can get a three bedroom house for the three of you. Right now you feel like a hero mum for putting your son before your husband, but in a few years time your son will be off on his own and you'll be all alone. Furthermore, you're going to make your son feel like crap if you break up your marriage over him.

Are you the husband?
SunshineCake · 16/08/2021 19:19

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

TeacupDrama - I think you might be right about that. If he refuses to move out then I don't think I can force him to. Which is not good news. He earns enough to rent somewhere else but he is bloody minded enough not to want to do that. Which leaves me the option of moving out myself and giving notice on the house. He wouldn't get the tenancy anyway so he would have to leave eventually. If we were not married then I could just ask him to leave.
Would he do this so you lose your home too, as he must know he won't get to keep it?

My mother chose her boyfriend over me and collectively they chose money over me. I was dumped in care. She's still with him. I still think she made a bad choice.

Hekatestorch · 16/08/2021 19:22

@pointythings

Hekatestorch I don't think so. There are still women out there who think a woman will be 'all alone' if she gets a divorce and that preserving the marriage is more important than anything.

Even though the man in question refuses to address his snoring issue and sulks any time she contradicts him. But some women believe such a princely specimen must be coddled and placated at all costs.

Meanwhile in the real world, women get divorced all the time and enjoy the hell out of their lives.

I was just hoping it was.

I find people who try to get others to submit to the will of their husband, at the expense of their kids, to be vile people.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

16 year olds Families
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 16/08/2021 19:40

Nobody comes before my children. Nobody.

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/08/2021 19:48

@MariposaLilly The husband earns more and has a daughter he has continually offered to house. Perhaps he should have been planning for the future instead.

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones I wonder if failing to fix the snoring and taking the other bedroom is territorial - guarding the space for his daughter to move in, and protecting it against your son moving in? He could fear needing to house DS for another 10 years, given the autism, and simply can't face being so cramped.

Maybe he has simply put on several stone over lockdown, and sharing a bed with anyone else is just too hot and sweaty a proposition!

Good result, by the way. Even if you patch this up with DH eventually, right now you need the space with DS to find out what the hell is going on with his Dad.

LammasFires · 16/08/2021 19:53

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

That didn’t go well. Luckily DS was in the shower. But basically he said I was selfish and it was all about me and DS and he wasn’t sleeping on the fucking sofa (his words) and he would be going to a hotel. He wants to sleep in HIS bed in HIS bedroom or if not then he’s leaving. Sleeping with me is not an option apparently.
Excellent. He leaves, problem solved.
Gingerkittykat · 16/08/2021 19:56

Don't give up the housing association tenancy, if your housing officer doesn't get back to you phone Shelter for advice.

SoupDragon · 16/08/2021 20:01

Apologize to your husband

What for?

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 20:01

Unfortunately he’s on the sofa with a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle and only speaking in one word answers. Lovely. I can sense a huge row when DS goes to bed.

OP posts:
frerecoler · 16/08/2021 20:05

Ugh, totally showing his true colours. Not cool.

FleasInMyKnees · 16/08/2021 20:07

Can you just keep yourself and ds busy till bedtime then sleep on the sofa.

girlmom21 · 16/08/2021 20:11

The one thing I do have to ask is, if you sleep is separate rooms, why it's DH who's giving up his bed? Apologies if you've already answered this and I've missed it.

He's still a massive twat. Just being nosey.

RubyGoat · 16/08/2021 20:11

You sound like a brilliant mum OP. Take your "D"H up on his offer, he's welcome to move out to a hotel. He sounds like an utter knob. If he'd sorted out his snoring it wouldn't be an issue. If he was prepared to support your son equally to his daughter it wouldn't be an issue. If he wasn't such a loser it wouldn't be an issue.

whitepetal · 16/08/2021 20:13

Hi op

As others have said you sound like you are doing the right thing by your ds and he's very lucky to have you as his mum Thanks

With regards to the housing situation this might be helpful

https://england.shelter.org.uk/professionalresources/legal/relationshippbreakdown/housingrightssofcohabitinggsoletenants/housinggrightsiffonepartnerristheesoletenant

AnxietyForever · 16/08/2021 20:18

Thought he was staying in a hotel?
Sounds like a typical abuser, I'd get rid ASAP

beastlyslumber · 16/08/2021 20:18

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

Unfortunately he’s on the sofa with a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle and only speaking in one word answers. Lovely. I can sense a huge row when DS goes to bed.
Is he aggressive or violent when you argue, OP? He sounds really miserable and controlling, trying to bully you into kicking out your son. Then I suppose once he gets his own way, he thinks everything will be fine?

Maybe do your best to not get drawn into a row. Just tell him he needs to leave as soon as possible. If he becomes violent, call the police immediately.

KatySun · 16/08/2021 20:25

I just wanted to say that your DS sounds like he has really turned his life around and is doing well. You have been there for him and fought for him to get a diagnosis and of course, he needs stability and to live with you. I am so glad you see that your husband is a controlling, sulky bully.

As far as whether DS thinks this is his fault, the answer is no, the problems were there already, and DS coming home (which you absolutely want) is the catalyst for you to do something about them.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 20:26

No he’s not violent. The atmosphere is horrible though. Apparently he’s not going to a hotel tonight but he’s going out tomorrow and “may or may not” come back. I feel sick but I’m trying to be happy and chatty with DS. However DS is not stupid and he must have realised what’s going on

OP posts:
KatySun · 16/08/2021 20:28

Hopefully you will have some advice from your housing officer tomorrow. It would be good if your husband did not come back but sadly I think he is just threatening this as he thinks you will beg him to stay.

Boonlark · 16/08/2021 20:31

He's trying to make you beg him to stay. I think you need to make it very clear that the marriage is over. Otherwise he might stay to try and make the atmosphere nasty enough that ds wil leave

Hekatestorch · 16/08/2021 20:33

Sounds like he is unlikely to leave.

He is saying this so you back down.

He is abusive. I would be calling women's aid for some support.

MadeForThis · 16/08/2021 20:33

He's trying to bully you.

beastlyslumber · 16/08/2021 20:37

Agree with pp - he is abusive. He's trying to control you and coerce you into doing what he wants (which is to kick your DS back to his abusive and neglectful father). He is threatening you to force you to comply.

I know it's hard and it's happened so quickly, OP, but you cannot accept this abuse and there is no way that losing your son and keeping your horrible husband is going to benefit you.

I think that when your husband goes out tomorrow, you should change the locks and put his stuff outside for him to pick up.

Boonlark · 16/08/2021 20:39

@beastlyslumber

Agree with pp - he is abusive. He's trying to control you and coerce you into doing what he wants (which is to kick your DS back to his abusive and neglectful father). He is threatening you to force you to comply.

I know it's hard and it's happened so quickly, OP, but you cannot accept this abuse and there is no way that losing your son and keeping your horrible husband is going to benefit you.

I think that when your husband goes out tomorrow, you should change the locks and put his stuff outside for him to pick up.

. Yup, this
JanisJ · 16/08/2021 20:48

Horrible selfish man.

Let him fuck off elsewhere then.

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