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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
DingoDollar · 16/08/2021 21:01

Poor you and your DS.

I fucking hope your bellend of a 'D'H does leave tomorrow and not come back. What a horrible man.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 21:05

DS went to bed to watch tv so I just said to H that if this was his daughter that needed help then I wouldn’t bat an eyelid and we would sort things out. He just kept going on and on about how he was being inconvenienced. On a loop. So it’s impossible. I’ve explained to him that I have to do what’s in the best interests of my son. He says he’s leaving and he says he’s going ASAP. I’m not backing down so hopefully he’ll find something and leave. I’m just sick of it.

I asked him if it had ever occurred to him that this might happen and he said no. Really? We have two children and it never occurred to him that one of them might need to live with us? Come off it.

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 16/08/2021 21:08

a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle

Giggles. Glad you've not lost your sense of humour then!

Have the row. Clear the air. Until you both start telling each other what you really want, no chance of working this out.

"Better a storm that breaks than one that broods, endlessly dark and ominous, overhead.

Richard Madeley"

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pointythings · 16/08/2021 21:09

He really believes that it would be different if it were his DD just because she's his. He sees your DS as a second class member of the family. I'm so sad for you - but this is who he really is. I hope you manage to divorce him and live a happy life with your DS.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 21:09

I’m on the sofa tonight by the way. I don’t and wouldn’t expect H to sleep on the sofa. The upstairs tv is in H’s room. So I offered to let DS watch tv in there until H goes to bed and then DS could sleep in my room with me on the sofa. Apparently this doesn’t suit either.

OP posts:
GetTaeFuck · 16/08/2021 21:10

He may or may not back?

Nah, fuck that.

He packs a bag in the morning, leaves, and collects the rest of his shit at a date convenient to you.

You’ll never get through to him, he’s stonewalling and putting you on a loop.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 21:12

Yes DS is definitely a second class citizen. Not up to snuff. Not red brick material etc. Well he can go and good luck to him. I’m not letting him treat my son like that. No fucking way.

OP posts:
pointythings · 16/08/2021 21:13

Of course it doesn't suit. You aren't doing exactly what he wants. You aren't backing down and placating him and he feels threatened.

Be prepared for the possibility that he may not leave if he feels he can better try to bash away at your determination by staying.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 21:13

And he is leaving. There is no way back from this.

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 16/08/2021 21:14

Now that DH's daughter is 18 - what happens to the house that her mother lives in? Will that be sold and DH get a lump sum? Is he still paying maintenance/uni fees?

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 21:18

Yes it’s all about what he wants. Never mind what I think or how DS is being made to feel. Well if he lives alone he won’t need to worry will he?

He said this house isn’t big enough for three adults. First of all DS isn’t an adult and second of all plenty of people manage in small houses. I think he’s a bit of a snob on the quiet. He wants the lavish lifestyle and earns decent money but hasn’t got his own place due to bad decisions when he was younger. He’s embarrassed at where we live and pretends to his friends that we own it.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 16/08/2021 21:20

He’s embarrassed at where we live and pretends to his friends that we own it

He’s embarrassed by the house YOU are providing for him?!! Where did he live beforehand?

Holly60 · 16/08/2021 21:22

Well done OP you have of course done exactly the right thing.

pointythings · 16/08/2021 21:22

You have a 2 bedroom. If he could be bothered to address his snoring, there wouldn't be an issue, but he won't - so that's on him.

Him being a snob also explains his attitude towards your DS - instead of seeing the amazing way your DS has dealt with his ASD and turned his life around, he just sees a young person who isn't going to university and bring the family academic glory Hmm.

So basically he's a massive twat who isn't worth your time.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 21:23

H and DSD’s mum were never married. She owns her house and always has done. So when they split he wasn’t entitled to anything and he had to leave. When I met him he was in a rented flat.

He’s saved money for DSD’s Uni years, about £20k I think. And he’s guaranteed the rent on her accommodation as well as giving her a monthly amount of £300 towards day to day living. We don’t share finances so I’m not sure precisely what his savings are

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 16/08/2021 21:23

Where was he going to sleep if his daughter needed to move in?

Howshouldibehave · 16/08/2021 21:27

He has a daughter and is always telling her that if she ever wanted to move in with us (she is 18) then she can

This is rich, if it’s not even his house!!

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 21:28

The thing is that most of the time he’s kind and funny and we get on well. But every time something happens that he doesn’t like I see the other side of him and I suspect that that’s the real him. It’s like he’s got all this entitlement and anger and nastiness underneath and I feel like the nice him is just an actor who has learned his lines. Previous ructions have never involved DS but this is the last straw.

OP posts:
Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 21:31

I think he’s never actually thought about what would happen if his daughter wanted to move in. He just offers it every time she and her mum have words. But I guess he’d have to give up his bed and sleep either with me or on the sofa. However he has informed me this evening that he never wants to sleep in the same bed as me ever again. So I’m guessing he’d go for the sofa option. Or leave and rent a place for him and DSD.

OP posts:
DoingItMyself · 16/08/2021 21:33

OP, I'm always the one to say, 'Ditch the husband, the child comes first,' but in this case I'd also bear in mind that your child is nearly adult and will move out in due course, all being well.

GoldenBlue · 16/08/2021 21:37

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I think he’s never actually thought about what would happen if his daughter wanted to move in. He just offers it every time she and her mum have words. But I guess he’d have to give up his bed and sleep either with me or on the sofa. However he has informed me this evening that he never wants to sleep in the same bed as me ever again. So I’m guessing he’d go for the sofa option. Or leave and rent a place for him and DSD.
This tells you that the marriage was already over, it's just the echos left now. Someone that reacts like that about sharing a bed with you is not a DH or DP are they?

I'm not normally LTB but absolutely do on this occasion, ask him to leave ASAP

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 21:41

Yes I’m aware that DS is getting older and will move out and make his own life eventually but I’m not going to say no to him living with me when his dad is behaving in the way that he is. And I’m not prepared to tell him I don’t want him either. Because this has now come down to a choice. If H had been supportive then there wouldn’t be an issue but he isn’t being supportive. And to be honest this has now gone beyond DS moving in. H has revealed exactly what he really thinks and Im done.

OP posts:
paperdollar · 16/08/2021 21:45

You sound like a wonderful mum. You and your son don’t deserve to be walking around on eggshells in your own house when you’ve done nothing wrong. I hope he leaves tomorrow, sounds like it’ll be a weight off you.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 21:47

I don’t think he will leave tomorrow whatever he’s saying now. He doesn’t have any family or friends he can stay with so he’ll need to find somewhere to rent.

OP posts:
Boonlark · 16/08/2021 21:51

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I don’t think he will leave tomorrow whatever he’s saying now. He doesn’t have any family or friends he can stay with so he’ll need to find somewhere to rent.
. . You can't stay on the sofa. Your ds needs a bed of his own. I agree with telling him to leave. He can stay in a hotel.