Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 16/08/2021 17:01

I'm sorry about your mother, what ahorrible way to treat you.Flowers

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/08/2021 17:12

Really sad about your mother.Brew

I bet DH wouldn't dare make a performance like that at work. So he doesn't need to do it at home.

beastlyslumber · 16/08/2021 17:32

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

Dealing with horrible atmospheres is not something I cope well with. It makes me feel ill. I think the fact that my mother used to ignore me for weeks at a time is possibly the cause of this but I need to get over it for DS's sake. I am a grown up and I have to do this for him.
Look up Grey Rock, OP. Good strategy for dealing with people like this.

All you can do is stay calm and tell your husband: I can see from your behaviour that you're not happy. However, I've made my decision. Since you won't accept this and you are making my son feel unwelcome, I think it will be best if you leave.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

16 year olds Families
PerseverancePays · 16/08/2021 17:36

Please don’t move. Assured tenancy is not what you get from private rentals; they can move you on for no reason at all with little notice. Moving is expensive, if you move three times in five years it really eats away at your savings. It also messes with your mental health if you can’t settle properly. And it’s way more expensive.
Follow pp’s advice in getting him out and have a nice life with your son.

Parentingdilemmas · 16/08/2021 17:51

Sounds like you are in a tough situation and your husband is kind of bullying you into a decision you don’t want to make. Go with your gut and be there for your son. A real man will stand by you x

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 17:52

That didn’t go well. Luckily DS was in the shower. But basically he said I was selfish and it was all about me and DS and he wasn’t sleeping on the fucking sofa (his words) and he would be going to a hotel. He wants to sleep in HIS bed in HIS bedroom or if not then he’s leaving. Sleeping with me is not an option apparently.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 16/08/2021 17:54

He wants to sleep in HIS bed in HIS bedroom or if not then he’s leaving. Sleeping with me is not an option apparently

It doesn’t sound like much of a marriage anyway, to be honest, if that’s the arrangement.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 17:56

No I agree.We kind of drifted into separate rooms so we could both sleep but I didn’t realise that sleeping next to me was so abhorrent. Oh well. There’s no coming back from this.

OP posts:
Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 17:57

I’m not in the house just now because DS is picking some clothes up from his dads and I’m waiting for him to come out. I’m dreading going back home to be honest

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 16/08/2021 17:58

I think that's actually a result OP of he follows through. I hope you and your son are OK.

candycane222 · 16/08/2021 18:04

Oh OP, I realise this must be difficult but I don't think you are all that surprised, are you? I think if DS knows you've been in separate bedrooms for a while, this should help him to see that the marriage was on its way out. You can tell him you've been sad about the decline of your marriage for a while, because you have, haven't you? (as quite possibly has your husband) But it was only ever going in one direction, sadly, given what you have told us about his treatment of you.

And although it's sad, it's also very much the right thing for you.

RandomMess · 16/08/2021 18:04

As sole tenants you can change the locks then!!

I would sort out bank accounts urgently.

pointythings · 16/08/2021 18:08

So he snores like a warthog and won't address it but sleeping next to you is torture? Riiiiiight...

bluebeck · 16/08/2021 18:15

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

That didn’t go well. Luckily DS was in the shower. But basically he said I was selfish and it was all about me and DS and he wasn’t sleeping on the fucking sofa (his words) and he would be going to a hotel. He wants to sleep in HIS bed in HIS bedroom or if not then he’s leaving. Sleeping with me is not an option apparently.
I would say that went really really well!!

So he's going? Tonight?

Hekatestorch · 16/08/2021 18:18

Him going to a hotel is the best solution.

Go back, get ds settled. Pack your husbands stuff and let him know ots ready to pick up. Act as though him leaving is a done deal. You didn't try and kick him out, he said he was leaving. That's a win win as far as I can see.

Sit ds down and explain its not been good for a while, that it's absolutely not his fault. You need to tell him, supporting him is something that is a joy to do and it's made your realise that you should have ended the marriage a while ago.

BettyAndFrank · 16/08/2021 18:19

Great! He said he’s going to leave and as the tenancy in your name only he can fuck off!!!

beastlyslumber · 16/08/2021 18:24

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

That didn’t go well. Luckily DS was in the shower. But basically he said I was selfish and it was all about me and DS and he wasn’t sleeping on the fucking sofa (his words) and he would be going to a hotel. He wants to sleep in HIS bed in HIS bedroom or if not then he’s leaving. Sleeping with me is not an option apparently.
This is a good outcome, OP. He goes to a hotel - great, he's out of the way. Get a locksmith to come this evening and change the locks.
FantasticButtocks · 16/08/2021 18:43

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

No I agree.We kind of drifted into separate rooms so we could both sleep but I didn’t realise that sleeping next to me was so abhorrent. Oh well. There’s no coming back from this.

Any good asking him
"How would you feel if I behaved like this if your daughter was the child needing to come home?"

Or is it best to take a few deep breaths, calmly let him leave to go to the hotel, and then have some breathing space to reflect and decide what to do next?

He is not behaving as if he loves you and you really do deserve better than that. Being unsupportive to your need to look after your vulnerable child is just plain nasty.

Remember that if someone invites you to have an argument you do not need to accept the invitation!

If he says he's going, let him go. So your home can be peaceful. Sort the rest out later.

And breathe...

MariposaLilly · 16/08/2021 18:45

You have not been planning ahead at all.

You have known your son was living in an unstable home with his drunken father and you knew your husband and you could not sleep in the same room. Why didn't you buy a three bedroom house years ago? You both work.

Your husband has been kicked out of his bed so your son can sleep in it and you are mad because he's grumpy. Why didn't you give your son your room and you sleep on the couch?

Apologize to your husband and you sleep on the couch until you can get a three bedroom house for the three of you. Right now you feel like a hero mum for putting your son before your husband, but in a few years time your son will be off on his own and you'll be all alone. Furthermore, you're going to make your son feel like crap if you break up your marriage over him.

SpindleWhorl · 16/08/2021 18:45

I really think that you should seize the moment here and show him the door as he requested.

Otherwise you'll be stuck with him potentially for a long time.

You really need a break.

SpindleWhorl · 16/08/2021 18:48

Apologize to your husband

Oh give over

pointythings · 16/08/2021 18:51

@MariposaLilly

You have not been planning ahead at all.

You have known your son was living in an unstable home with his drunken father and you knew your husband and you could not sleep in the same room. Why didn't you buy a three bedroom house years ago? You both work.

Your husband has been kicked out of his bed so your son can sleep in it and you are mad because he's grumpy. Why didn't you give your son your room and you sleep on the couch?

Apologize to your husband and you sleep on the couch until you can get a three bedroom house for the three of you. Right now you feel like a hero mum for putting your son before your husband, but in a few years time your son will be off on his own and you'll be all alone. Furthermore, you're going to make your son feel like crap if you break up your marriage over him.

Welcome, handmaiden of the menz. Meanwhile, in the real world...
girlmom21 · 16/08/2021 19:09

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I’m not in the house just now because DS is picking some clothes up from his dads and I’m waiting for him to come out. I’m dreading going back home to be honest
Hopefully he's pissed off to his wonderful hotel when you get back Smile
Hekatestorch · 16/08/2021 19:09

@MariposaLilly

You have not been planning ahead at all.

You have known your son was living in an unstable home with his drunken father and you knew your husband and you could not sleep in the same room. Why didn't you buy a three bedroom house years ago? You both work.

Your husband has been kicked out of his bed so your son can sleep in it and you are mad because he's grumpy. Why didn't you give your son your room and you sleep on the couch?

Apologize to your husband and you sleep on the couch until you can get a three bedroom house for the three of you. Right now you feel like a hero mum for putting your son before your husband, but in a few years time your son will be off on his own and you'll be all alone. Furthermore, you're going to make your son feel like crap if you break up your marriage over him.

Is this a joke?
pointythings · 16/08/2021 19:15

Hekatestorch I don't think so. There are still women out there who think a woman will be 'all alone' if she gets a divorce and that preserving the marriage is more important than anything.

Even though the man in question refuses to address his snoring issue and sulks any time she contradicts him. But some women believe such a princely specimen must be coddled and placated at all costs.

Meanwhile in the real world, women get divorced all the time and enjoy the hell out of their lives.