Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

[StPaulandTheBrokenBones]

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

Well done for putting your son first, so often people don't and it's heartbreaking.

Sorry, no advice, just so pleased that you are choosing your son over your abusive husband.

Well done, OP

@GetTaeFuck

When I needed ExH to leave the home, I called the police for advice. As the tenancy was in my name, it didn’t matter if we were married or not, he had no right to be there if I didn’t want him there. They removed him twice - both times from my front garden when he was drunk and being a shouting arsehole. They removed his keys the first time too.

Just reiterating this, OP. Your name on the tenancy = he has to leave. Tell him to go, and be ready to call the police if needed. He has no rights in this situation. You shouldn't leave your home.

You have to do what's right for you and your son. Can you spend the weekends together if he is working during the week . Why doesn't your husband want your son to move in?. My son lives with me and his stepfather I wouldn't want it any other way) my sons mental health comes first) the running joke in our family is son first, cats second and husband last. If it doesn't work out with him moving in with you and your husband then how would you feel about moving out, I feel for you and hope it works out.

Just seen that the house is in your name, makes it a little bit easier for you

'D'H sounds like a weak low level bully. Perhaps you haven't had sufficient motivation to stand up to him before, but with your son in flight from jeopardy, you do now. It will be interesting to see if you can call his bluff.

Push this under his nose for starters:
www.thesnorewhisperer.com/what-causes-snoring/
If that doesn't ring bells, there is surgery:
www.theprivateclinic.co.uk/conditions-and-health/snoring/snoring/

He needs motivating to get off his bum. The real threat of eviction might help!

Just echoing what PP have said - don't move out, this is your home in your name, not his.

This would end the marriage if it was me. Your son comes first.

Poor lad. You're a great mum putting his needs first. What an are of a DH.

I bet your DH changes his tune when he realises you are serious about ending things. He just wants his own way.

GetTaeFuck - That's good to know, thanks. I'm hoping my husband just agrees to move out but obviously he might dig his heels in so any advice is appreciated.

Perfectlystill - I'm not asking whether I should put DS before DH. That's a given. I just don't want DS feeling like he is the one causing our marriage to fail. If DH creates an atmosphere in the house (likely) then DS will probably realise he doesn't want him there and he might return to his dad's house. Which I do not want to happen under any circumstances.

I’m just adding to what others have said. You are a really good mum OP. I hope you get positive news from your housing person. Best of luck.

If DH creates an atmosphere in the house (likely) then DS will probably realise he doesn't want him there and he might return to his dad's house.

Seriously, does it matter if DS does realize? I'd imagine he knows anyway, but at nearly 17 why sugarcoat it? Say," DS, I know it's a bit awkward right now, but DH can be a bit of an arse sometimes, and he's feeling a bit challenged on being the man around the house here. Smile and wave, keep your head down a bit and we'll see if we can weather the storm. DH is being childish, but adults do that sometimes."

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I think that it will come down to me moving out and finding somewhere for me and DS. DH is not one for hiding his feelings and I have no doubt that he will make the atmosphere as tense as possible when DS is there tonight.

Honestly, this is vile behaviour. Have you told him to leave?

I would expect nothing but him being friendly and welcoming to your kids in YOUR house and I would tell him that if he can’t manage to do that, he can’t come into your home tonight.

Good on you for putting your child first.
Think you might be surprised how nice life is without your DH - the more you post, the more he sounds like quite a controlling, selfish bastard.

It’s your house, your sole tenancy, get him out.

I’m afraid it’s just too bad on your husband.

He’ll just have to like it or lump it or off he jolly well pops. Your son comes first. There is or rather should be no contest.
He doesn’t want a teenage living with him. He acts let alone as bad as one more like worse than one.

My ds2 lives with his dad currently with very similar circumstances (potential asc, manipulative dad).
I have had a really tough time adjusting to only seeing him weekends/holidays and would probably move heaven and earth if he wanted to come back tbh.

Would your ds understand if you had a frank chat with him?
Making it clear things were a bit tricky with your h and you need a bit of space from each other and that it absolutely isn't your ds's fault?
Along with a bit of a self esteem boost for him spelling out how proud you are of him/him doing apprenticeship/getting his life together etc.

Without bringing it into the open, he may pick up on it and struggle to work out whether he is to blame.
If it's clear to him that you are (for example) asking your h to leave because you have clashing values (in an age appropriate way) he may well understand that.

If someone had said yesterday morning that my marriage might be ending today then I wouldn't have believed them. I am dreading going home tonight. I'm almost certain he will have a face on and sit there like the cloud of doom all night, making it difficult. I really, really don't want a massive row when my DS is there but I might have no choice if DH does what I think he will do.

really, really don't want a massive row when my DS is there but I might have no choice if DH does what I think he will do

No, I wouldn’t particularly want a row in front of DS either.

Can you ring/text DH now, before you/he is home and say ‘DS is going to be with me now, I am really pleased’ etc and say that if he isn’t happy about it, he can’t be there.

If DS blames himself, i think you could frame as "I was thinking of leaving H, this is for the best all round. He has been unpleasant towards me, and him being unpleasant to you too is just the final straw. This has just helped me see his true colours"

@MMMarmite

If DS blames himself, i think you could frame as "I was thinking of leaving H, this is for the best all round. He has been unpleasant towards me, and him being unpleasant to you too is just the final straw. This has just helped me see his true colours"

I think that's a good call. It's the straw that broke the camel's back.

I think given your husband's behaviour, the more you tell your DS the better, frankly. You can't shelter him from this - but, at nearly 17, you can include him in a lot of info & decisions and let him feel wanted by you and put him a bit more back in control.

DH bends over backwards for his daughter, as he should. It's hard to put your finger on but there is sense from him that I shouldn't do the same for my child.

This is so, so familiar.

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

If someone had said yesterday morning that my marriage might be ending today then I wouldn't have believed them. I am dreading going home tonight. I'm almost certain he will have a face on and sit there like the cloud of doom all night, making it difficult. I really, really don't want a massive row when my DS is there but I might have no choice if DH does what I think he will do.

I think you do your best to avoid conflict, but it is really not serving your interests. Buckle up, rough ride ahead, won't be easy, but letting DH roll over you will be much harder in the long run. Someone having a face on is just someone acting. They can act differently if they put their mind to it.

Dealing with horrible atmospheres is not something I cope well with. It makes me feel ill. I think the fact that my mother used to ignore me for weeks at a time is possibly the cause of this but I need to get over it for DS's sake. I am a grown up and I have to do this for him.