Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

[StPaulandTheBrokenBones]

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I would like to treat myself to a really nice bed. One that is lovely to look at but also comfortable. I know H has not slept in the same bed as me for ages but it would be really nice to have a bed that is new and mine and one that he has never been in. Silly I know, but that's what I am looking forward to.

He is looking at houses today, tomorrow afternoon and Saturday morning. All being well he will find something and fuck off ASAP. I know how long referencing takes on a private let so there really are no excuses for fucking around and wasting time.

H appears to under the impression that he can say whatever he likes, however horrible, and then backtrack and say he didn't really mean it and I'm just going to accept it and take him back. To be fair I have done this in the past but he has made a big mistake by making my son the problem.

Its not silly. I was the same.

When I got my house post split, one of the things I did make sure we had money for was all new beds. The sight of my lovely new bed made me want to cry!

I already have one mattress from John Ryan By Design! They are amazing to deal with. I am leaving that bed in the room DS is in though, because he says it's very comfortable. I might just get a new mattress from them and wait for it to be delivered, as the mattresses from there are definitely worth the money.

DS is fine bless him. He doesn't read other people's moods very well so he can see if someone is in a bad mood but he isn't usually affected by it. He can sometimes blame himself for things, even if it's not his fault but in this case I have told him that H is just being an arse and that we have been having problems and H is moving out soon. DS is unbothered by this news and is still trying to chat to H if he sees him, even if it's just a greeting. DS has lovely manners and would never blank an adult, even if that adult is behaving like a three year old.

Hekatestorch - I might cry when I get my new bed. I want to buy something I really love. So even if I have to wait a few weeks then that's fine.

Well done @StPaulandTheBrokenBones.

It's pretty clear that your marriage was coming to an end and DS was just the final straw. Looking back mine was too - and it was exH meeting someone else for it to reach tipping point. We are both much happier now. I think we often just get on with life and muddle along, putting up with stuff .... it's only when it comes to a head, or we are out of the situation, that we can recognise how bad it was.

Post Divorce I stuck with the (expensive) bed bought by ExH - which I really didn't like much, but got a new mattress (an Emma one - in a box - its amazing) when I moved house I took the opportunity to get rid of it and just slept on the mattress on the floor until I found the right bed. In the end I just went for a cheap Divan base by Dunelm - but it has deep drawers in the side, involved minimal putting together (screwing two single bases into one and pushing in the legs). I would definitely recommend a divan over a slatted base - the number of times I've had to deal with broken slats, slats out of place etc.

Fingers crossed for you that he just leaves and you can begin to enjoy life again!

OP - Complete admiration as to how you are handling all the men in your life!

Your son is a vulnerable teen and his mother has stepped up and been the absolute rock of a parent that he needs not just right now but in the future. He is a lucky young man.

For you - hard to face the end of your marriage but this appears to be the catalyst you probably have needed but pandemics etc have pushed back.

Good Luck but somehow I don't think you will need it - you appear well grounded.

Getlaidbeds are really good. Lots of options.

I found ikea mattress very good and good value and instantly available. You could always sleep on the mattress on the floor while you wait for the frame.

I would give him a deadline to move out, or all the properties will be too expensive/ small/ dark etc... He needs to know this is happening and happening now.

I'm not delighted to be facing a second divorce but there is nothing I can do about that. He had a choice about whether to be supportive, or not, and he chose to make things even more difficult by throwing a massive strop.

I suspect he thought that he could do his usual "can we talk about things" routine when HE had calmed down and when HE realised I was no longer interested in playing his stupid mind games. He wants everything on his terms.

I am not letting this drag on either. I have told him we are getting divorced and that I want him to leave the house and find somewhere else to live. I have arranged to be out for most of the weekend so he can use that time to sort himself a new place to live.

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones - I do hope he does use the time that you're out of the house to sort himself out and not to lie around, watch soap operas or sport or whatever and leave it till the last minute.
You could offer him a roll of black plastic bags or some luggage (that is his of course, you hang on to whatever is yours) so that he can pack over the weekend.

Your STBEXH sounds really horrible. Shouting at you then sulking and ignoring you for a week. He sounds very controlling. Well not any more!

You’re doing brilliantly and your son sounds like an absolute sweetheart. You must be so proud of him.

Sending you positive vibes for the coming days and weeks! 🌻

As a temporary measure while you wait for your dream bed, you could get an air bed. We have one of these - Amazon link and everyone that's used it has said it's really comfy!

I actually wish we could take it to my DPs to sleep on as it's bigger and comfier than their spare bed!

Good luck OP - you sound like a fabulous person and the best Mum for your DS!

HopeHappy - Thank you for this. I will definitely have a look as any new bed will take a few weeks to arrive.

I do wonder if H was whispering in DS's ear and was the one responsible, at least partially, for DS's decline which lead him to move in with his father/your drunken ex. Something feels off about your H's attitude to your boy, as if it had been there all along. I think H may have been the one who poisoned your son with the idea he needed to leave because he was causing you too much stress.

I might be way off there, just a hunch really.

A word of warning though. Some bastards like to use the "I am going to look at properties and take the furniture" line as a doubling down of "I will divorce you if you don't fall back in line". Seen it myself. The shit would say "looking a rental property in order to move ASAP" but used to just go around to his sister's for a few hours. Meant to scare you into compliance if the divorce threat no longer works.

Doesn't sound like it would work on you though. You sound incredibly determined.

Don't let H in the bedrooms though. The law might say he's entitled to live in the house (I read you Shelter link). It DOES NOT say he is ent

Will have another go at my last paragraph, sodding glitchy virtual keyboard.

Don't let H in the bedrooms though. The law might say he's entitled to live in the house (I read your Shelter link). It DOES NOT say he is entitled to sleep in a bedroom. Nor does it entitle him to be given any domestic niceties like meals, clean clothes etc.

Cold shoulder the bugger.

I'm not doing anything for H at all. No cooking, no food shopping (although I did buy the cat some food - even though I have been told that it is his cat and not mine) and definitely no talking, unless this is about plans for him to leave.

In reality he could strip the house while I am at work. There is absolutely nothing to stop him from doing this. However I can replace the furniture if I need to. I won't be blackmailed or manipulated by his veiled threats about taking various things.

Him - I paid for the tumble dryer you know!!!!
Me - I don't care what you paid for, just take what you want and fuck off

I have to admit to a level of admiration here.

I said it didn't sound like his games would work on you and I was right.

That must have been a lot of tough childhood experiences to give you the ability to flick the switch so completely.

Still to have the kindness in your heart to make sure H's cat has food and think of his daughters well being, your son is lucky to have you in his corner.

I do wonder why so many men seem to opt for the strop/sulking tactic. If there is one thing that is calculated to make them look stupid and totally undesirable, that is it.

[quote Ahwelltoobad]@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

'I never wanted to be in position where I couldn't get out of a situation because of money.' - this is so wise of you. We should all take heed, no matter how happily married we are.[/quote]
Absolutely agree.

OP, your philosophy should be taught to all our DC.

A friend used to deal with her ex threatening to walk out every other week. He would sometimes go and stay at a hotel for a few days whilst she begged him to go back. She wouldn't listen to anyone and was miserable. She'd be on her best behaviour when she got him back and things would be fine until she did something he didn't like again.

Eventually he crossed the line and we managed to get her to see that he was the problem. He then spent ages trying to wheedle his way back in then got really angry with her when she refused then angry again when she eventually started dating someone else. Her new partner is slightly controlling but much nicer.

I suspect her youngest daughter takes after him and her oldest daughter after her. The oldest daughter moved out into her dad's new place as he wasn't coping on his own. She feels sorry for him and thinks her mum split up the family. Her youngest daughter treats my friend much like her ex did but the new boyfriend is quite good at stopping her poor behaviour.

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I already have one mattress from John Ryan By Design! They are amazing to deal with. I am leaving that bed in the room DS is in though, because he says it's very comfortable. I might just get a new mattress from them and wait for it to be delivered, as the mattresses from there are definitely worth the money.

DS is fine bless him. He doesn't read other people's moods very well so he can see if someone is in a bad mood but he isn't usually affected by it. He can sometimes blame himself for things, even if it's not his fault but in this case I have told him that H is just being an arse and that we have been having problems and H is moving out soon. DS is unbothered by this news and is still trying to chat to H if he sees him, even if it's just a greeting. DS has lovely manners and would never blank an adult, even if that adult is behaving like a three year old.

Your DS is a credit to you

You are going to be so happy when he’s gone. I’ve sort of been where you are and the pure relief when he left was like nothing I’d ever experienced! No more tip toeing around. Being able to just be happy without someone else’s moods lurking like a dark cloud on a sunny day. I also redid my whole bedroom and it’s like a sanctuary now, I personally don’t want another relationship. The potential gains are not worth the potential losses for me. I also don’t feel there’s anything “lacking” in my life that I feel I need one. You won’t regret your decision at all.

I remember splitting up with DC's dad. When it came to selling the house and splitting white goods he said he did pay for the washing machine.

I said of course that's right. Show me how it works and you can have it.
Obviously I won custody of the washer

He’s completely blanked me tonight. I think he thought I’d crack under the pressure but I haven’t said a word to him. Not because I’m ignoring him but because I don’t have anything to say. He’s used to me trying to get him to speak to me so I don’t think he’s enjoying the complete and utter indifference.

I did warn him a few months ago that this would happen. Men like H just chip away at your feelings for them and then one day they simply push it too far. I’ve no doubt he’s going to try and talk to me again over the weekend but I’m out for most of it so unlucky.

Now you’ve altered the status quo - he needs to ‘up’ his game to get you to back dow and comply with his wants and needs.

This is where it gets rocky! Hold on tight.

Its amazing. Because they are so predictable. The sooner he is gone and you have your lovely big bed in place, the better.

Just keep so contrasting and how your home will feel, when he isn't there.

When you got advice did they say if you can change the locks once he leaves? Before the divorce is settled?

He’s definitely going to up the ante. The good news for me is that I’m not interested what he does. It’s weird actually. I’ve spent so long being afraid of him leaving me. On paper he’s got a good job and he’s very good looking so I’ve no doubt he will find it easy to find someone else. But it’s all surface stuff and underneath he’s cruel and uncaring.

But whatever I was scared of has gone. I don’t love him and I don’t hate him. There’s no anger or sadness. I feel liberated. And I know we (me and DS) will be ok. And that’s all that matters.