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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 19/08/2021 09:36

BlackAlys - We don't have any shared bank accounts or finances at all. I made sure that everything was separate. Where money is concerned I have always been independent. I never wanted to be in position where I couldn't get out of a situation because of money.

I think he's just a tosser to be honest. Would bend over backwards for his own child (which I completely understand and agree with) but when it comes to my child, well he can fuck off back to his waste of time, pissed up, father because H is inconvenienced and "it's not FAIR on him".

OP posts:
Mantlemoose · 19/08/2021 09:41

OP I don't think I have ever been so proud of anyone in my life!

Refreshpage · 19/08/2021 09:42

@ohfourfoxache

Your son needs you

Ditch the husband, he sounds horrible

This.

Or at least tell your husband how important your son is and his needs come first. (You shouldn't have to but it appears on this occasion he doesn't understand)

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

16 year olds Families
noideawhatusernametochoose · 19/08/2021 09:46

You're an amazing Mum. Your "D"H is a dick (but you know that). I hope he moves out quickly and you can enjoy the peace and quiet with your DS.

RageAgainstTheNahCantBeArse · 19/08/2021 09:47

RTFT @Refreshpage!!

OP - could you try IKEA for a bed - then you can collect immediately?

Ahwelltoobad · 19/08/2021 09:49

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

'I never wanted to be in position where I couldn't get out of a situation because of money.' - this is so wise of you. We should all take heed, no matter how happily married we are.

Rosesareredd · 19/08/2021 09:49

Fucking hell, do you need to ask this?
Get rid of these men and focus on your son!
Poor boy, children come first!

LookItsMeAgain · 19/08/2021 09:50

When this is over (or at any point really) could you ask him why it was ok for HIM to offer space that isn't there for his daughter to stay but not ok for YOU to offer this same space to your son???

He really has to confront that inequality in his own head.

Another one here cheering you on from the sidelines! You're definitely doing the right thing!

Notaroadrunner · 19/08/2021 09:53

@Rosesareredd

Fucking hell, do you need to ask this? Get rid of these men and focus on your son! Poor boy, children come first!
RTFT! She's already ditched him and is waiting for him to piss off into the sunset. We're all behind you @StPaulandTheBrokenBones. What an absolute dick he is. Hope he's gone asap. Think of the lovely peaceful home you can have for yourself and Ds then.
Willlow · 19/08/2021 09:53

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I've got savings because I always have a "running away" fund. So I can replace whatever he takes from the house. It will just be case of finding companies that can deliver reasonably quickly because once he takes his bed I will have nowhere to sleep, as DS will be in the other one.
Ikea have great beds and if you can't fit the frame in your car you can at least get the mattress and wait for a bed frame to be delivered. The mattresses are rolled and easy to carry, they just need a couple of days to fully puff up again.
Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 19/08/2021 10:04

I would like to treat myself to a really nice bed. One that is lovely to look at but also comfortable. I know H has not slept in the same bed as me for ages but it would be really nice to have a bed that is new and mine and one that he has never been in. Silly I know, but that's what I am looking forward to.

He is looking at houses today, tomorrow afternoon and Saturday morning. All being well he will find something and fuck off ASAP. I know how long referencing takes on a private let so there really are no excuses for fucking around and wasting time.

H appears to under the impression that he can say whatever he likes, however horrible, and then backtrack and say he didn't really mean it and I'm just going to accept it and take him back. To be fair I have done this in the past but he has made a big mistake by making my son the problem.

OP posts:
Danikm151 · 19/08/2021 10:07

All I have to say on this is....
YOU GO GIRL!
Stood your ground and followed through. You have to think of what is best for you.

SamiReed1 · 19/08/2021 10:11

How is your son taking it, OP?

beastlyslumber · 19/08/2021 10:27

I would like to treat myself to a really nice bed. One that is lovely to look at but also comfortable.

That's a lovely idea and well worth spending a bit of money on if you can. Get yourself lovely new bedding, pillows, blankets as well. Maybe even re-decorate the bedroom!

Timeforredwine · 19/08/2021 10:33

Your son comes first, get him moved back in with you end of. For me there woukd be no discussion he is your son thats it & yes would end with husband if needed to.

TootTootTootToot · 19/08/2021 10:36

Good luck OP, sounds like you’ve done the right thing.

Timeforredwine · 19/08/2021 10:38

Sorry jusy read husband is gping. Good riddance. You are doing the right thing. You and your son enjoy life together.

poppymaewrite · 19/08/2021 10:38

You’re coping so well and you’re being a lovely mum

BluebellsGreenbells · 19/08/2021 10:54

Some bedding places have showroom models for sale delivered quickly - worth a scout round!!

Just think lovely peaceful nights sleep, you can watch what you want, have friends round, cool what you’d like, all good reasons to get him out - miserable bastard!

You’ll look back and wonder why you bothered for so long.

HermioneKipper · 19/08/2021 10:57

Well done @StPaulandTheBrokenBones you sound lovely and a great mum. Really hope he buggers off ASAP. He sounds like he’s really showing his true colours and you’re well shot of him.

phishy · 19/08/2021 11:23

Do your savings equal the £20k he has?

You are entitled to half the savings and some of the pension as well.

justheretohelp7 · 19/08/2021 11:23

Hi OP,

I don't know if this is something that is possible to do, but could you perhaps speak with your husbands ex? His daughters mother? I can imagine that he was very similar toward her and as a mother and woman I imagine she'd want to help you gain more reasoning and evidence for the divorce or if it came to any court hearings, it may be wise to have her on hand?

TatianaBis · 19/08/2021 11:30

Good on you OP. My hunch is that DH was a factor in DS moving out, even if he says it wasn’t.

This attitude has been there all along.

Newestname001 · 19/08/2021 11:43

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I would like to treat myself to a really nice bed. One that is lovely to look at but also comfortable. I know H has not slept in the same bed as me for ages but it would be really nice to have a bed that is new and mine and one that he has never been in. Silly I know, but that's what I am looking forward to.

Not silly at ALL! This is a great sign of a completely new start. If you can afford it buy yourself a couple of sets of really nice bed linen, with a good thread count too to make your new bed completely your own sanctuary.

Maybe also check out goose down and feather duvets too for the coming winter so you'll be really cozy. If you're buying a double bed, which I suppose you are, get a king size duvet which will eliminate all draughts and for that extra luxury.🌹

Gerwurtztraminer · 19/08/2021 11:43

OP you are doing great. Hope H moves out soon and it's not too dram filled.

Re a new bed, consider buying the mattress & base separately. Often cheaper than a package and mattresses are usually quite a fast delivery (especially some of the bed in a box ones - though go hybrid pocket spring at a minimum). I bought one from Rem Fit. You can sleep on it on the floor for a while if the base takes longer.

Depending on you budget I can recommend looking at John Ryan by Design - see if they have outlet mattresses available (i.e. returns after trial period) as cheaper and still very good quality with a trial period..

FYI, most mattresses are better on a platform/divan type base than slats - my old mattress had train track marks down it and got saggy in between the slats. When I can afford it will be buying a sprung platform base.