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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 19/08/2021 07:26

Your calmness is incredible. Hope today goes well.

pointythings · 19/08/2021 07:27

ivykaty44 why would OP want single beds once her husband is out? I'm single and one of my joys is having a double all to myself!

StartupRepair · 19/08/2021 07:30

OP your clarity is such a gift and will help your day navigate this phase as well. Hope stbxh is out by the weekend.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

16 year olds Families
KaySam · 19/08/2021 07:31

I wouldn’t give up a secure HA property for a private rented, you’ve got the security now and if you need another HA you’d potentially be on the list for years,

I’m glad you saw the husbands true colours and attitude to your child.

Good luck xx

StartupRepair · 19/08/2021 07:31

Day = ds

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/08/2021 07:37

@RandomMess

As sole tenants you can change the locks then!!

I would sort out bank accounts urgently.

Do this.

He's hoping you will cave and you could come back to find he's back in and won't shift.

RichTeaTime · 19/08/2021 07:47

Have you saved for your retirement - or did you put saving to one side whilst you ran the home? So DH has a pension but you don't? You could be due some of his.
Don't jeopardise your future for a quick break up.

DH's issues with favouring his DD and not wanting your DS could stem from his own childhood, did he have a favoured DSis for example?

Terhou · 19/08/2021 07:55

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I couldn't agree more. He has a daughter and is always telling her that if she ever wanted to move in with us (she is 18) then she can but when it's my DS that needs help he makes things difficult.

We have a two bedroom house. We have not slept in the same room for the last 18 months due to DH snoring (which is very loud) and so his argument is that we don't have room for DS. DH slept with me last night but then got up and slept downstairs. I got an arsey text from him this morning saying that he only got three hours sleep.

If he thinks you don't have room for DS, on what basis does he claim that you have room for his daughter?
Notanotherusernamenow · 19/08/2021 07:56

Go you! I’m so impressed at how you’ve taken charge. Don’t back down! Get your home back from the snoring, selfish lodger!

Eddielzzard · 19/08/2021 08:03

He senses your stony shift to 'don't give a fuck' and now he's panicking. He thought his mega tantrum would do the trick. Stay strong for the next bit. He's going to try every trick in the book.

Allllchange · 19/08/2021 08:34

His behaviour has been abusive. To get legal aid to support you with the split and divorce you can get a letter from the GP confirming that there has been abuse. You could send an email or econsult to the GP explaining the behaviours and the impact on your mental health and that you didn't understand it was abusive until now and ask them to write the letter. Even if your son hadn't moved back in this is not a healthy situation to live in. He is emotionally abusive using sulking to manipulate you to get his own way and trying to isolate you from your son. Be very clear with your son what his behaviour has been like and that you couldn't continue to live like that, him moving back in has just let you see things clearly now.

SnazzyButtons · 19/08/2021 08:36

Oooooh! What an absolute bastard!!! So pleased you’re standing firm. I’m sure if he kicks up a stink and you threaten to go for half of his pensions/savings he’ll soon back down.

poppymaewrite · 19/08/2021 08:45

You’re right that you don’t want your son to feel responsible for any of this. I would speak to husband first, and if he isn’t completely okay with it, then husband needs to go before son moves in. That way he’ll miss the drama and the feeling unwanted etc.

GrandmasCat · 19/08/2021 08:47

Be careful. He may be so used to you backing down or being conciliatory that when he gets a “no” full stop he can turn into a raging psycho trying to back you down into the usual previous behaviour.

Keep firm, but don’t push his buttons, the important thing is to get him out of the house without much fuss.

If he wants to talk, listen. The best way to get him out is to agree to a “trial” separation, once he has his own place it would be much easier to keep him out and he won’t be so forceful either because he is already sorted.

HeartShapedBalloon · 19/08/2021 08:52

@Boonlark

Funny how some men like to threaten divorce to get us to behave...and then are shocked when we decide we WOULD rather be divorced 😂 (happened to me too)
My exh used to tell me to 'fuck off out of my house if you don't like it' when I objected to being abused. His face when I told him I was leaving! Had one hell of a shock when not only did I do just that, but refused to go back! Soon wiped the sneer off his face!
lastcall · 19/08/2021 09:08

I think you're doing the right thing, OP. His true colours have come flying through and shown you to be an arse who only gives a shit about himself and his own child. You and yours are second class citizens. Imagine what would have happened to your son if something happened to you... he'd have no one and he'd probably screw him over inheritance-wise as well.

Get a good lawyer, get what you're entitled to, and go forward knowing you've done right by yourself and your son. Good luck.

Summerbreeze4 · 19/08/2021 09:11

Would you have to move or can you ask DH to move out.explain to DS that your marriage wasn’t working out and him moving back in has given you the impetus to do something about it. Make it clear it’s nothing to do with him and act fast, don’t risk DS going back to his Dad.
Enjoy spending more time with DS.

Snog · 19/08/2021 09:16

I have bought secondhand bed frames from ebay/gumtree and they can be delivered quickly this way.

Mattresses I buy new but have never had to wait long for them. Have also used ebay for new mattresses before.

Well done OP, enjoy a new life with DS and no DH, sounds like a life upgrade to me.

Sidehustle99 · 19/08/2021 09:18

Kids come first, always

BIWI · 19/08/2021 09:21

@caringcarer

Do you own or rent? If you rent then find a 3 bed house so you can each have your own room. If you own tent it out and you rent a 3 bed. Your son sounds lovely. He has turned his life around and you should be very proud of him. Your DH sounds horrible tbh. When I remarried my dh took on me and my 2 sons of 17 and 8. The eldest is just moving out now at 34, as he has bought a house with our help. Youngest now 24 and not wanting to move out any time soon. DH has been great with them. They both prefer step Dad to their own Dad.
@caringcarer

Why not read the whole thread, then you'll see the answer to your question?

BlackAlys · 19/08/2021 09:26

I agree with RandomMess. As a matter of urgency, sort out your bank accounts if they are shared. Same for any credit cards you may own jointly. A MN'er last year saw £15k wiped from her savings overnight when her DH rented a flat when they separated.

I wonder whether his need to offer security and a place to live for his DD was a big motivator for him staying OP? Even though she didn't take him up on it (and probably won't now, now that University is on the horizon) he knew that he couldn't make such an offer without the security of your home. The fact that he's so unwelcoming of your DS reflects so badly on him. He's not the family man so much after all.

I also wonder whether he's realised that you could potentially be entitled to part of his savings and pension? Maybe that's partly his motivation to 'talk'? Either way, stand firm. I still
think that you hold the cards here.

Your last 2 posts have made me laugh, I must admit. You are doing incredibly well. You're a Tiger Mam.

Needmoresleep · 19/08/2021 09:27

On beds, letting agents always know of good and quick suppliers, so if you know someone who is renting via a good agents, get them to ask. Last one I bought arrived within an hour (because the van was loading when I was ordering so they just added it) and was half the normal retail price. It is worth buying a good bed.

Stick to your guns. This is a crucial time in your son's life. It sounds as if he has nice sensible friends and a caring girlfriend, plus is making headway with his job and domestic skills. He has the potential to be a good man. You want to be there to help him on his way.

Credit your DS for helping show up the cracks in your relationship. Your priorities are not being acknowledged, nor met. Without this, you could have drifted on a long time knowing that something was wrong, but not really putting a finger on it. I think you will look back in a few years time and be glad this happened. (And if your DH misses you and you miss him in a few years, well you can get back together, older, wiser and better.)

Thomasina79 · 19/08/2021 09:30

I agree with everyone, your son comes first. As for him feeling he is to blame just keep telling him that he is the most important person in your life and that he comes first always. If he feels loved and supported he will grow up to be a secure young man with a firm foundation.

As for your husband words fail me!

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 19/08/2021 09:30

The last time we had words he threatened to divorce me and then backed down when I agreed with him. I told him then that if he ever threatened divorce again during a disagreement that it would be happening whether he changed his mind or not.

I am genuinely not bothered. I have tried to feel bothered, but alas, there is nothing to feel upset about.

He knows that when I am done with someone then I am done. I am no contact with my mother and have been no contact for seven years. I don't even think about her anymore. I do have a problem with boundaries and I will allow someone to treat me badly for a very long time before I cut them off, but when I am done there is no going back. So this cannot come as any surprise to him. I think he has overplayed his hand on this one.

I have told him that it's finished. And it is, no matter what happens now.

OP posts:
Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 19/08/2021 09:31

I've got savings because I always have a "running away" fund. So I can replace whatever he takes from the house. It will just be case of finding companies that can deliver reasonably quickly because once he takes his bed I will have nowhere to sleep, as DS will be in the other one.

OP posts: