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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
overthethamesfromyou · 18/08/2021 14:59

We got our bed frame from the furniture charity shop, £70 for a metal king sized frame, and the mattress was quick to deliver from MattressMan.

FleasInMyKnees · 18/08/2021 16:17

Have you looked at argos, sometimes if you order the mattress and the divan base it comes much quicker. Have you tried a futon or sofa bed then you and DS can stay upstairs as long as you want.

ThatsAllFolks · 18/08/2021 16:51

Just to say OP that u r fucking brilliant and u have made my day. U r just awesome. U n ur son will b just fine xxx

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16 year olds Families
Adm1010 · 18/08/2021 16:52

My youngest son is 16 nearly 17 . They need mum still at that age .

I would leave my husband over this . No question .

HurryUpAndWait23 · 18/08/2021 17:30

Sounds absolutely brutal OP.

beastlyslumber · 18/08/2021 18:22

@ThatsAllFolks

Just to say OP that u r fucking brilliant and u have made my day. U r just awesome. U n ur son will b just fine xxx
I agree with this. You've handled this so well, OP. Your son is lucky to have you.
Calmdown14 · 18/08/2021 18:26

Nothing useful to add but just wanted to say your son sounds lovely.
He may have had a bumpy ride but a 16 year old with the independence skills he has and a decent work ethic should be congratulated, not made to feel they are not 'red brick' enough.
There are many ways to succeed in life. Sounds like he has your resilience.
Your husband on the other hand sounds weak and self centered.
Hope it all comes good for you

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/08/2021 18:30

This may not be relevant to you, @StPaulandTheBrokenBones, but I'm just mentioning it as it's just happened to me (well, DS2).
He needed a new mattress. We ordered one on the Saturday, it was delivered on the Wednesday and we put it on his bed. Now, clearly I've never had a brand new mattress arrive that quickly before, or had to sleep on it immediately, so I didn't know that some mattresses need to "off-gas" before they're ok to sleep on. Worked it out after a couple more sleepless nights, where his cough wasn't going away - the gases are respiratory tract irritants and they were doing just that.
Had the mattress outdoors for the last 3 days - the gases have nearly all dissipated now! - so tomorrow it will be going back on his bed.

Now, I'm in Australia (hence why this may not be relevant to you!) but it's worth checking with whomever you buy the mattress from if they de-gas it before it leaves their premises, because I can assure you, the smell is very chemical/plasticky and not at all nice!

I've never had this problem before - so it may be a more recent thing, to do with the types of foam they use in mattresses or something - but I'm mentioning it so you are aware.

Very happy that the arse seems to be looking for places to move out to - huge bonus! Hope he finds somewhere very quickly and leaves, and then you can start divorce proceedings at your leisure. Thanks

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 18/08/2021 23:22

ThumbWitchesAbroad - thanks for mentioning this, I’d not even thought about it.

H was out tonight and DS went to see his girlfriend who is absolutely lovely. I picked him up and part of his facial hair had gone AWOL. He’d let her shape his eyebrows and trim his beard but it had all gone a bit tits up. On the plus side he came out of her house brandishing his new Build a Bear which she has bought him. DS thinks his GF is bonkers but secretly I think he loves the fuss she makes over him.

I’m in my bed! H came home wanting to talk but I just said that I’m done talking and that I don’t have anything to say other than wanting to know when he’s leaving. And now im in bed and he’s on the sofa. Ha, how do you like that Mr Fuckface.

OP posts:
lovingtheheat · 18/08/2021 23:31

Ahh you've not backed down and he now wants to talk/change tact to see if he can prod you into line... his attitude towards both you and your son is disgusting. you sound very sensible. Good luck.

lovingtheheat · 18/08/2021 23:31

And I'm glad you're in your bed! Like others have said let him sleep on the sofa it will encourage him to leave!

smashionaltreasure · 18/08/2021 23:49

What a nasty man your partner sounds. Has he no empathy for your son? Well done for prioritizing your child.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 18/08/2021 23:58

H has not only burned his bridges but blown them up as well. He has rather a nasty habit of threatening divorce every time he doesn’t get his own way. Rather like the boy who cried wolf, I think he appreciates that he may have played this particular card once too often.

It’s funny how suddenly he now wants to talk to me. Too late sonny boy.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 19/08/2021 00:10

Good for you op hope he leaves soon for all your sakes

Antwerpen · 19/08/2021 00:20

@ohfourfoxache

Your son needs you

Ditch the husband, he sounds horrible

This what a vile man. Good luck to you and your son OP.
Maharajah20 · 19/08/2021 00:34

Op you are amazing!!! Go you! 💪

Boonlark · 19/08/2021 00:46

Funny how some men like to threaten divorce to get us to behave...and then are shocked when we decide we WOULD rather be divorced 😂 (happened to me too)

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/08/2021 02:04

It sounds as though perhaps your H, realising he can’t manipulate you into submission, has had an about face as he doesn’t really want to have to rent somewhere on his own. He know he’s been on to a good thing.

caringcarer · 19/08/2021 02:25

Do you own or rent? If you rent then find a 3 bed house so you can each have your own room. If you own tent it out and you rent a 3 bed. Your son sounds lovely. He has turned his life around and you should be very proud of him. Your DH sounds horrible tbh. When I remarried my dh took on me and my 2 sons of 17 and 8. The eldest is just moving out now at 34, as he has bought a house with our help. Youngest now 24 and not wanting to move out any time soon. DH has been great with them. They both prefer step Dad to their own Dad.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/08/2021 02:55

"I’m in my bed! H came home wanting to talk but I just said that I’m done talking and that I don’t have anything to say other than wanting to know when he’s leaving. And now im in bed and he’s on the sofa. Ha, how do you like that Mr Fuckface."

Ah god, that made me laugh and cheer! Well done you! ThanksWine

Glad your DS has a nice (if bonkers!) GF.

LosingMySh1t · 19/08/2021 04:11

Yey! Amazing mum. You're doing brilliantly.

I've also been on a relationship like that and it's funny how you can flip a switch and feel no emotion.

It's like you've already grieved it while still in it.

Hekatestorch · 19/08/2021 06:00

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

H has not only burned his bridges but blown them up as well. He has rather a nasty habit of threatening divorce every time he doesn’t get his own way. Rather like the boy who cried wolf, I think he appreciates that he may have played this particular card once too often.

It’s funny how suddenly he now wants to talk to me. Too late sonny boy.

Ahh the 'lets talk, we don't really want to split do we', may have had some impact, if he wasn't a generally horrible person.

He is full aware this marriage was over, for quite a while. The problem is, he alwyasvhad the upper hand. Now he doesn't. He really thought he was going to win this one.

And even if you talked and he accepted you son was living there and wanted to fix your marriage. He would just make your son uncomfortable until your son left. He isn't going to make a real change. A temporary change so he can stay, let the dust settle and then start going back in to his usual dickheadness

This is why I hate men like this they are horrible people, who are fixated on just getting their own way all the time. And when they are finally tackled over it, they believe they can just a throw a few nice words, a couple of gestures peoples way and everyone will forget what dicks they are and give them the power back.

Helenmumoftw0 · 19/08/2021 06:34

Well done for standing your ground OP he sounds like a pig 🤦🏻‍♀️

PerseverancePays · 19/08/2021 07:17

Just, bloody well done. So glad you are hanging on to the house and standing your ground. He may well not have gone to a solicitor and does not know you can’t throw him out and change the locks, Hope he leaves pronto!

ivykaty44 · 19/08/2021 07:21

If you're in social housing you could apply to move within - but only once your ds is living with you. I would put in an application and try single beds instead of a double?

what a terrible situation to be in, do you think the change for your dp is what has made him so unreasonable?

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