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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
newnortherner111 · 17/08/2021 13:08

I hope having made your decision which is perfectly understandable that somehow your son does not blame himself for this.

Disrespected · 17/08/2021 13:09

Let your ds move in
Dh gets help with snoring / dh moves out.
No one would ever tell me my son can't Move back in!

SpaceBethSmith · 17/08/2021 13:09

Nah OP, the police told me different, they confiscated his keys, told him very firmly that he had no right to be at my home and would be arrested if it happened again. He was arrested the second time.

Admittedly on the first visit, they read out to me all of his previous arrests, ranging from drug possession to drunk driving without a licence to ABH (all of which I had no clue about).

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SunshineCake · 17/08/2021 13:37

I'd be tempted to go and buy lovely new bedding for my bed snd at the very least change what is on now if you can't buy new. As a PP said, don't sign away your rights to his pension unless you get the house 100% and you have enough money yourself.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/08/2021 13:43

You are handling this very well. You and your sons deserve to live happily.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 17/08/2021 14:10

He has at least two pensions. I obviously have no clue what these might be worth. My priority at the moment is to get him out of the house. At the moment he has said he is leaving but obviously he could change his mind and dig his heels in.

He is very money oriented, whereas I am not. I am happy with enough money to do what I need to do each month, with a bit left over for treats, or to buy something for the house etc. So the one and only thing I can use is the pensions. He doesn't have much else, other than savings for his daughter's university years and obviously I am not interested in doing anything which might hurt her.

OP posts:
Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 17/08/2021 14:16

I'm handling it well because I have just switched off emotionally. This might be down to my childhood, but I will put up with things for years and years. Then one day something will happen, it could be a big thing or a tiny thing, and it's like a switch has been flipped off. I don't feel upset or worried or angry or anything.

Normally, when he has one of his tantrums, I feel sick, can't eat, can't think straight, can't sleep. This is how I know for a fact that I am at the end with this relationship. There is nothing left. I can put up with people having a go at me but I will not tolerate someone hurting my child.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 17/08/2021 16:22

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I'm handling it well because I have just switched off emotionally. This might be down to my childhood, but I will put up with things for years and years. Then one day something will happen, it could be a big thing or a tiny thing, and it's like a switch has been flipped off. I don't feel upset or worried or angry or anything.

Normally, when he has one of his tantrums, I feel sick, can't eat, can't think straight, can't sleep. This is how I know for a fact that I am at the end with this relationship. There is nothing left. I can put up with people having a go at me but I will not tolerate someone hurting my child.

That state of mind you're in is going to be so helpful! Because you won't be agonising or in a dilemma, you have complete clarity! So you can calmly just make this happen, and you know without a doubt that you have made the right decision.

Best of luck for getting rid!

LammasFires · 17/08/2021 16:28

@DoingItMyself

OP, I'm always the one to say, 'Ditch the husband, the child comes first,' but in this case I'd also bear in mind that your child is nearly adult and will move out in due course, all being well.
Even if her son does eventually move out, are you really suggesting she should stay with this resentful arse? Where things are lovely as long as he always gets his own way? Or did you not bother reading the thread?
BlackAlys · 17/08/2021 17:44

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones you are not to be messed with.

I wonder if he realises that?

I'm actually in awe of you Thanks

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/08/2021 18:47

You may not need a solicitor for the divorce, which will obviously be a bonus finance wise, but you may still need to speak to one if the arsehole won't leave the house after all, since that's what the HA told you.
Hopefully he'll just get the hump and fuck off - but he might not.

Hope the chat with DS goes well - just say it's been a long time coming and you're over it, so now you're done and he's out.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 18/08/2021 10:48

How were things last night OP? Hope you & DS are doing ok

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 18/08/2021 11:08

I went to my friend's house with DS and we had a lovely evening. When we got back H was sitting on the sofa so DS said hello to him and then made a drink and went to bed. I went for a bath. When I came downstairs H had gone to bed!

However he has text me this morning indicating that he is looking at properties today and over the weekend as well as we need to sit down and make a list of what furniture he is taking from my house. Some of the furniture is his anyway (bed, bookcases, one wardrobe) and he also bought quite a lot of the kitchen stuff so I assume he will be taking all the things that he paid for. I have some savings so I can replace all of it pretty much straight away.

Fingers crossed he finds somewhere soon.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 18/08/2021 11:10

When I came downstairs H had gone to bed!

In your bed again?!

If he’s taking the bed, get one on order quick, we bought a new one recently and it took ages to be delivered!

forrestgreen · 18/08/2021 11:11

Good news

whynotwhatknot · 18/08/2021 11:20

Hope he follows through with actually leaving op even if he does take the bed

Did any solicitors get back to you

pointythings · 18/08/2021 11:30

Do encourage him to leave. And get a bed on order - just for you.

Hekatestorch · 18/08/2021 11:37

I don't really think you need to sit down together. That's where he says 'is this what you really want?' Once he realises you won't be backing down.

Tell him he isn't sleeping in your bed again. He was vile about sharing with you. He sleeps on the sofa. While he is sleeping in a bed he isn't going to hurry anywhere.

MMMarmite · 18/08/2021 11:41

This is good news, hope you get to a lovely calm house with you and DS soon.

blueberrywaffle · 18/08/2021 12:00

I'd reply and say that's great to hear, let me know if you need any help packing. I really don't mind ! Hahahaha

Elbie79 · 18/08/2021 12:02

Sounds like you're doing brilliantly OP! Your DS is very lucky to have you.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 18/08/2021 12:59

Yes I have also spoken to a solicitor who confirmed that, as we are married, I cannot just kick him out. He will either voluntarily move out or, if he does not move out, then I can divorce him which will end his right to stay in the property.

I have been looking at beds online this morning. I cannot believe how long the delivery times are!

He is out tonight so I will be in my bed before he gets back!

OP posts:
SpindleWhorl · 18/08/2021 13:07

Where I live we have independent furniture shops that will deliver same day. You go in, or look on the website, and choose one for card payment or cash. A bloke with 'the lad' (there's always a lad) bring it round teatime.

Matresses, too. The last one I got for DS (built like a tall, big rugby player) still survives! Not a bad price, neither.

notapizzaeater · 18/08/2021 13:11

We've a lot of local companies too selling beds on Facebook that delivery quickly.

pointythings · 18/08/2021 13:22

I second Facebook selling pages. Two of our beds come from a local Facebook seller, he buys up slight seconds and sells them on with same day delivery. Good quality stuff too, and extremely reasonable.