Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

[StPaulandTheBrokenBones]

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

@Feedingthebirds1

The thing is that most of the time he’s kind and funny and we get on well. But every time something happens that he doesn’t like I see the other side of him

Being nice and funny is his gift/reward to you for doing exactly what he wants. When you dare to say you're doing what you want, then he turns to punishment, which is what you're seeing now. He's expecting you to revert to type, say you're sorry you ever thought of it, and kick DS out. then he'll go back to being nice and funny (and smug) and he'll know you'll always give in. I'm glad you're not.

No I’m not. There is a line that you do not cross and being a wanker around my child is the line. It’s funny how quickly feelings can dissipate.

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

God knows what his issues are. He’s the one who snores, thrashes around, farts none stop and shouts in his sleep so I don’t know why I’m so horrible to sleep next to. I don’t want to sleep next to him either, particularly now he’s behaving like a massive knob. The sooner he fucks off the better. I love living as the sole adult in the house. I’m an introvert so living alone is always a good option. By alone I mean no man in the house.

He sounds like the sort of wanker who will stay there quite happily sleeping in your bed whilst you are on the sofa!

I would be giving him an incentive to leave.

Wow, he's a real selfish bit of shit isn't he. You will be so much better off without him, he adds nothing to your life, he snores, he is the one who disrupts your sleep, and he's too selfish to seek help to rectify his snoring. He's an anvil around your neck.

Haven’t rtft but please choose your son OP. Your husband sounds like a wanker, sling him out. Your DS needs you.

I see he used the threat to leave to bring you back into line - but it didn't work, of course!
Now he's realised he might actually have to leave as you won't back down, and doesn't want to. Clearly he never "planned ahead" as to what would happen when your DS needed a place to live either (FTFO, Mariposa ) and there's only ONE person in this scenario who should be apologising - it certainly isn't you.

Have the HA called you back yet? They can have him evicted as he's not on the tenancy - or you can, as per the PP who called the police. By all means call the solicitor too as you'll need one to start divorce proceedings anyway.

Sounds like your life will be hugely improved without this Shadow of Punishment hanging over you all the time anyway.

As a PP mentioned, grey rock technique can really help - whatever he throws at you, mood, words or looks, just ignore them and imagine that they are wind and rain against your granite exterior. They can do you no harm. Be civil and calm. Imagine you are teflon coated, so that all the shit he chucks your way will just slide right off - nothing will stick.

Best of luck in the morning with getting him out. Consider whether sweetly offering to help him pack would be a good move or not - it would make it very clear that he's out, but could also induce more aggression from him.

Does he have any stuff left of his in your room? If so, bag it up in binbags and put it on the hall floor - make it clear this is your expectation.

Best of luck - I look forward to the update that says he's gone.

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

God knows what his issues are. He’s the one who snores, thrashes around, farts none stop and shouts in his sleep so I don’t know why I’m so horrible to sleep next to. I don’t want to sleep next to him either, particularly now he’s behaving like a massive knob. The sooner he fucks off the better. I love living as the sole adult in the house. I’m an introvert so living alone is always a good option. By alone I mean no man in the house.

I do mean this gently.

But I think his issue is, that the marriage has been over for a while for him.

He just doesn't want to lose the convenience. He doesn't want to move out and knows he can't stay there if you leave.

Either that or this just an excuse to try and force your son to leave.

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

You'd have plenty of bedroom space if your DH didn't live there.

Who the hell gets the arse about their vulnerable 16 year step kid moving in when they know their being neglected by their resident parent?

I'd reconsider if I'd want that kind of person in my life.

Tell your husband either your son comes home an he likes it/makes him feel welcome or he gets a bag and goes !
Arsehole

I think that when your husband goes out tomorrow, you should change the locks and put his stuff outside for him to pick up.

Yes - this! ^ It doesn't sound like he has any intention of leaving permanently (or even temporarily) as he's planning on making the atmosphere so bad your son leaves and he's got what he wants plus the possibility of having his daughter in your son's place. Plus he's currently in YOUR bed in your bedroom - which he never again wants to share with you! Why would you make it easier for him in this situation?

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

My default is that I don’t like arguments and I don’t cope well in an atmosphere but this isn’t about me.

But the way he's currently behaving is like having one long argument with also continually unspoken tensions in your - and your son's home. How is that better than making him leave (including changing the locks when he's out)? He can get temporary accommodation (budget hotel, AirBnB etc) until he can sort himself out. He has a good salary plus he has additional funds to do so).

I hope you manage to get him out today, OP. This is not a healthy situation for either you or DS.

Strength to you! 🌹

Hang on, your house so why are you on the sofa? Get back in your bed and he can go on the sofa seeing as its all his doing, the sleeping apart. You have problems here that are nothing to do with your son coming home.

Good for you.

Please don’t sleep on your sofa again-you have a perfectly good bed that you’ve chosen not to sleep in. Don’t let him win this, he’s 100% in the wrong.

What if you said to him that because the tenancy is in your name only, either he goes and you stay in this house or you go on the ha swap list and you swap homes with another tenant and he will NOT be coming with you to the new home and you've spoken to the ha who have said that he is not on the tenancy agreement and therefore has no right to move with you if that's not what you want.

Basically that either he goes, or you get a new ha home but him not going won't mean you suffer in any way or struggle to find another rental.

That also blocks any idea he might have that he can stay and get the tenancy.

I agree with PP, take your bed back. I would start putting his things in bin liners straight away. Arrange for a locksmith to come when your husband is at work/out of the house. You can put his stuff outside or just have it packed and let him know he can pick it up at a time arranged by you - at which point, put it outside for him. He has no legal right to live in the house with you - his name is not on the tenancy. Yes, talk to your HA and solicitor, of course, but this is something you can do now to get him out of your home. Once he's out, you can work on the finer details. Priority is to get him away.

Just read the entire thread. You are an amazing, strong woman, your DH is abusive. He won't leave, no way. Once he realises you're deadly serious expect him to backtrack. His bullying, shouting and ignoring has worked for him so far in keeping you in line (all abusive behaviours), once he realises they won't he will change tactics. Pack his bags, change the locks. It is incredibly hard to end an abusive relationship, you are in a great position as it's your house, the law is on your side. This all comes from someone who was in an abusive relationship for 8 years, I didn't realise at the times. I made lots of excuses for him but Women's aid helped me sort out my messed up head. Your DS sounds great, you are a fab Mum!

Hekatestorch - I think this is true. I hadn't thought about it before but I think you're right. It's not nice to think he was just using me for a place to live but it's obvious now you have pointed it out.

He left for work early this morning. I was on the sofa and he came downstairs but did not speak. I went up to bed for an hour and when I came down he had gone to work.

I have heard from my housing officer this morning who was very nice but basically said that I needed legal advice. I have also phoned Shelter who said that as we are married then I can't just throw him out and change the locks. They directed me to this page

england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_married_sole_tenants/relationship_breakdown_law_for_spouses_and_civil_partners_in_a_sole_tenancy

This is not good. But I am not giving up. I have several things I need to do:-

1. It's a long shot but I am going to do a Clare's Law request to my local police. If H has been abusive to previous partners (I can't see this as being physical abuse but possibly controlling/emotionally abusive behaviours) then I might be able to access some help that way.

1. File for divorce immediately. I can do this on the basis of unreasonable behaviour. Obviously this will take a while but I can't see him staying in the house if I am divorcing him. He has savings and pensions he wants to protect, so I can use that as leverage, ie you leave my house and I won't go after your pensions and savings.

In the meantime I am not going to let my guard down. What normally happens when he does this or behaves like this is that I try and talk to him to resolve things. He then decides to "forgive" me for my crimes against the Almighty One and round we go again until the next time. So however hard it is to put up with his face and his banging around and general nastiness I am not going to cave into it. He can bollocks.

Well shoot, that's a pain in the arse then, isn't it!
I mean, I can see how it would have come about, where abusive partners would try and throw out their partner "because they can, because they're the sole tenant" etc., but it works AGAINST people like you, when the partner you're trying to get rid of is the abusive one!

Farking annoying.

Good luck with the solicitor then - filing for divorce ASAP does seem to be the next step to getting rid of him! But in the meantime, I would take him at his word that he will be moving to a hotel, and take back your bedroom.

Op, him intimidating you is abuse.

I would call women's aid and any time you feel scared of him at all or he tries to intimate your ds into leaving, call the police.

I said, I think the marriage has been over for a while and he just doesn't want to leave because his last relationship ended with him moving out with nothing.

He doesn't want to do that again but it's tough shit. He should be such an awful person.

You need him out ASAP, make its as uncomfortable as possible for him. But be careful to not give him ammunition.

Do not sleep on the sofa again.

So sorry OP. But I think you have a good plan. Don't sleep on the sofa again - re-occupy your bedroom (move his stuff out of there, if there's anything in there.) If he's sleeping on the sofa and you're divorcing him then highly likely he'll just leave and find somewhere else. If he abuses/threatens you, call the police straight away.

Have you spoken to your son about the situation? I would tell him that you are divorcing and have asked H to leave asap.

I'm definitely not going on the sofa again. He can fuck right off with that one.

I have submitted a Clare's Law application online.

Also, I can see that it is perfectly possible to apply for divorce online! When I divorced DH's dad (in 2005) we had a house and a child together so I used a solicitor. As we don't own a house or have children together then I cannot see any good reason to see a solicitor about the actual divorce itself, unless anyone can tell me differently?

My son asked "what was up with * last night?" I just said he was in a mood and to ignore it. I am going to speak to him later as we are going to my friend's house for a takeaway tonight. I think a proper chat with DS when we are not in the house is a good idea. We can speak freely and I can tell him what the deal is, ie divorce etc. And that it's not his fault, it would have happened anyway eventually.

Online divorce might be a good option for you! This might help you decide - www.ibblaw.co.uk/insights/the-pros-and-cons-of-online-divorce

Stay strong @StPaulandTheBrokenBones. You sound amazing.

He has savings and pensions he wants to protect, so I can use that as leverage, ie you leave my house and I won't go after your pensions and savings.

Be careful with that one. It might be short term gain for long term pain. How did he get the money to save? Was it because you were paying more than your fair share?