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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 22:00

I don’t mind sleeping on the sofa for a bit if it leads to him leaving. I slept on it for ages when DS lived with us before and I couldn’t deal with the snoring. It’s a big, wide sofa and really comfortable so I’ll be ok.

OP posts:
Katjolo · 16/08/2021 22:04

Put your child first- 100%.

GoldenBlue · 16/08/2021 22:05

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I don’t mind sleeping on the sofa for a bit if it leads to him leaving. I slept on it for ages when DS lived with us before and I couldn’t deal with the snoring. It’s a big, wide sofa and really comfortable so I’ll be ok.
But don't allow it to drag on. If you took the bed he'll be more inclined to move out quicker. Good luck x

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SpaceshiptoMars · 16/08/2021 22:07

Golly. He's been refusing to do anything about the snoring for years. He just likes a double bed to himself, doesn't he? Bet he doesn't pay more than half the bills either, despite his higher earnings. Does he ever cook or clean?

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 22:09

To be fair he cooks and cleans. We pay 50/50 because I wanted to do that. I’ve text my best mate. She thinks he’s a twat as well.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 16/08/2021 22:10

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I don’t mind sleeping on the sofa for a bit if it leads to him leaving. I slept on it for ages when DS lived with us before and I couldn’t deal with the snoring. It’s a big, wide sofa and really comfortable so I’ll be ok.
But why would you do that?!
Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 22:12

I’m doing it because I don’t want another argument which will make DS feel even worse than he already does. A few nights on the sofa is a small price to pay.

OP posts:
Theythinkitsalloveritisnow · 16/08/2021 22:17

@MariposaLilly

You have not been planning ahead at all.

You have known your son was living in an unstable home with his drunken father and you knew your husband and you could not sleep in the same room. Why didn't you buy a three bedroom house years ago? You both work.

Your husband has been kicked out of his bed so your son can sleep in it and you are mad because he's grumpy. Why didn't you give your son your room and you sleep on the couch?

Apologize to your husband and you sleep on the couch until you can get a three bedroom house for the three of you. Right now you feel like a hero mum for putting your son before your husband, but in a few years time your son will be off on his own and you'll be all alone. Furthermore, you're going to make your son feel like crap if you break up your marriage over him.

Apologize? Why? She sounds like both her and her ds are much better off without him
Muchmorethan · 16/08/2021 22:19

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

And he is leaving. There is no way back from this.
Tell him to go now... like he intended.
Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 22:23

To be honest I should have put DS in my room last night but I really wasn’t thinking. I thought H would come back in with me. But he didn’t want to. So I’ve rectified the situation by me going on the sofa until he moves out.

OP posts:
Theythinkitsalloveritisnow · 16/08/2021 22:25

@DoingItMyself

OP, I'm always the one to say, 'Ditch the husband, the child comes first,' but in this case I'd also bear in mind that your child is nearly adult and will move out in due course, all being well.
So what? Who would want to be with someone who behaves like this?
Hekatestorch · 16/08/2021 22:26

I think if your H is keeping his own room, he won't leave, tbh.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 22:28

I have said he needs to go now. He’s refused so I’m going to try and speak to a solicitor tomorrow to see what’s what. I’ve sent a few emails to different firms so hopefully one will respond tomorrow. I’m still waiting for my housing officer to ring me.

OP posts:
Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 22:29

You could well be right about the room thing. I’ll sleep in my bed tomorrow and if he kicks off then he kicks off. It might make him move out sooner.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 16/08/2021 22:48

DoingItMyself
OP, I'm always the one to say, 'Ditch the husband, the child comes first,' but in this case I'd also bear in mind that your child is nearly adult and will move out in due course, all being well.
So what? Who would want to be with someone who behaves like this?

Exactly! He is no prize, that's for sure. The way he has been about your son has totally told you who he really is. The sooner he goes, the better, and it sounds like you are absolutely on the case.

HollowTalk · 16/08/2021 23:02

Don't give up the flat. You had it before you married and your son and you need it now. Your son is under 18 and his daughter isn't. He needs to leave.

I wouldn't even give him a second chance on this one. He sounds really unpleasant and there would always be an atmosphere is here and your son want to stay in the same house

HollowTalk · 16/08/2021 23:02

You have to get the gist of that last post as I was dictating it!

RubyGoat · 16/08/2021 23:04

Text him immediately, tell him he needs to move out of the house. This may be adequate. Also, get replacement locks but don't fit them yet. Get legal advice about exactly what you need to do to get him out of the house.

In the meantime, don't do anything for him. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, nothing. You're done. And take back your bedroom. It's your house. Why are you bending over backwards for him?

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 23:12

Good advice, thanks. My default is that I don’t like arguments and I don’t cope well in an atmosphere but this isn’t about me. I have to force the issue now

OP posts:
BudrosBudrosGalli · 16/08/2021 23:19

If the place is solely in your name, I'd change the locks if he hasn't left by the end of the week. If someone does not want to be ever sleeping in the same bed as me ever again, then the relationship is over.

RubyGoat · 16/08/2021 23:25

england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_cohabiting_sole_tenants/housing_rights_if_one_partner_is_the_sole_tenant

I can't find anything on what constitutes "reasonable notice to leave" in your situation. However if you can demonstrate that you've given him notice to leave, that's a start.

RubyGoat · 16/08/2021 23:26

The link upthread was broken, BTW, so I found the correct link.

Yaya26 · 16/08/2021 23:34

Good luck to you and your son. He sounds like a lovely kid - v protective of you.

On the other hand your H sounds awful - well done for not letting hi put DS out in the cold.

I had to laugh about H not wanting to share your bed ever again - you must puff a lot! 😂

Feedingthebirds1 · 16/08/2021 23:34

The thing is that most of the time he’s kind and funny and we get on well. But every time something happens that he doesn’t like I see the other side of him

Being nice and funny is his gift/reward to you for doing exactly what he wants. When you dare to say you're doing what you want, then he turns to punishment, which is what you're seeing now. He's expecting you to revert to type, say you're sorry you ever thought of it, and kick DS out. then he'll go back to being nice and funny (and smug) and he'll know you'll always give in. I'm glad you're not.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 23:40

God knows what his issues are. He’s the one who snores, thrashes around, farts none stop and shouts in his sleep so I don’t know why I’m so horrible to sleep next to. I don’t want to sleep next to him either, particularly now he’s behaving like a massive knob. The sooner he fucks off the better. I love living as the sole adult in the house. I’m an introvert so living alone is always a good option. By alone I mean no man in the house.

OP posts: