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Original poster

Anyone dated a surgeon, please talk to me

145 replies

Annabet · 13/08/2021 08:57

Met someone great, we get on so well. My job is very intense, I work long hours as a barrister and it can be relentless. I make time for friends and family and will do nice things when I can like a meal out or a trip away.

This man has explained that he sees friends once a year if that he generally doesn’t take annual leave unless he’s writing a paper… he sees family a few times a year but fleetingly. They never actually do anything like go out for a meal etc.

We’ve obviously done nice things together but it’s generally my ideas and he seems to relax when we do them. But it’s also like pulling teeth a bit, like he doesn’t know how to have fun without encouragement. He’s early 40s never married but apparently wants the whole family thing… his approach to day to day things like going out or watching a film make me sceptical he could achieve this

Guess I’m wondering if this is him or a direct product of his job? I know surgeons are busy people but do most relax a bit on days off and want to do things and have a holiday etc? I don’t want to waste my time on someone and feel that if this is him rather than just his job then he’s unlikely to get any better at downtime…

OP posts:

PorridgeGoneWrong · 13/08/2021 18:15

When I’ve pushed him on things like a night away, he seems to get very stressed and anxious, sits staring into space frowning and saying he’s not sure how he can do it.

Good God, he sounds awful :-/
Sorry!

MrsMackesy · 13/08/2021 18:19

If, as you describe, he gets very stressed and anxious when you try to push him to arrange a night away and if, as you describe, he has never had a girlfriend:
(a) Have you had sex - you don't need to answer here, obviously! - and if not, could it be his first time?
or
(b) He might not be that into you?

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 13/08/2021 18:46

When I’ve pushed him on things like a night away, he seems to get very stressed and anxious, sits staring into space frowning and saying he’s not sure how he can do it.

He's probably thinking what excuse he'd give his wife.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships

BonnyBarb · 13/08/2021 18:50

Op my good friend is married to a surgeon. She has a great life, doesn't have to work, wants for nothing. They move countries every few years to take him to his next job. She also has 3 primary aged dcs, he never so much as handed her a nappy, let alone changed one. She's raised the dcs alone essentially. It sounds like your boyfriend might be one of these kinds of surgeons!

Squashpocket · 13/08/2021 18:56

All the surgeons I've worked with have wives and children. None of the wives work though, so if keeping your career is important to you, that might be an issue.

picklemewalnuts · 13/08/2021 19:04

Hyperfocus, inflexibility. Makes a great surgeon. Not a great partner.

MrsMackesy · 13/08/2021 19:06

The thing is, you could push him to change his ways, but will he revert to type once you are barefoot and pregnant - and do you want to be left 'holding the baby' for the duration of their childhood? Possibly doing all your socialising on your own? No, it's really not all surgeons but it is this one - if he is a real one. Let him be himself and if that doesn't suit you then case dismissed.

Nicolastuffedone · 13/08/2021 19:46

I worked with dr’s all my working life (I married one, he became a cons physician) I’ve never come across anyone like your boyfriend

HarrisMcCoo · 13/08/2021 21:14

I agree with ballsdeep.

IamMummyhearmeROAR · 13/08/2021 23:27

I'm married to one. He worked crazy hours as a junior doctor and he had to go where the jobs were so we spent a long time apart. Then when we were committed I gave up jobs to follow him- always landed on my feet as I have that kind of job. It was tough when we had little ones as he was doing collegiate exams and a Doctorate that took over our lives. Looking back I spent a lot of time alone. Now he is a Consultant we have a better quality of life; settled in the one place, he has no desire to do private work or write massive papers. Covid has put an end to the conference circuit so he's around a lot more.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 14/08/2021 11:30

Please humour me OP and tell us how you know for sure that this guy is a surgeon.
It's not like you work in the same field or could have met through friends.
Have you secretly looked him up to check?

Noshowwithoutpunch · 14/08/2021 11:31

How did you meet?

Doubledoorsontogarden · 14/08/2021 12:18

Many doctors and surgeons ski every year.

Pipsquiggle · 15/08/2021 07:38

How was your date last night OP?

Did you have a chat about getting away? Work / life balance?

Marmitemarinaded · 15/08/2021 07:42

@Hobnobsandbroomstick

When I’ve pushed him on things like a night away, he seems to get very stressed and anxious, sits staring into space frowning and saying he’s not sure how he can do it.

He's probably thinking what excuse he'd give his wife.

Or Oh shit How the heck am I going to finish this relationship. I need to do this sooner rather than later. Worried about her response. Why isn’t she getting the message I’m not interested….

nicecheesegromit · 15/08/2021 07:51

You could show him bits of this thread ...
It sounds like he might need a bit of a wake up call that not all surgeons behave like him.
Either that, or he's playing lipservice to all the things he says he really wants to do

MiniCooperLover · 15/08/2021 07:53

I have a friend who is a consultant orthopaedic surgeon, works 5 days a week, a few on calls here and there, has a huge home work life balance and has just got back off a 2 week holiday. Said once she became a consultant life became easier not harder. 🤷‍♀️

Marmitemarinaded · 15/08/2021 07:55

@nicecheesegromit

You could show him bits of this thread ... It sounds like he might need a bit of a wake up call that not all surgeons behave like him. Either that, or he's playing lipservice to all the things he says he really wants to do

What???!

Are you being serious

Show a man that you’re in the early stages of dating a thread that you posted about him. In which you describe his as self indulgent and odd etc

Please tell me you’re not being serious?!!

M0rT · 15/08/2021 08:13

My friends DH is like this, he's a plumber!
It's not because he's a surgeon it's because he's a workaholic.
I dated a surgeon in my twenties when he was in the work all the hours possible stage while doing a research masters and he still managed to meet me at least once a week and do nights away.
I decided that I would want more than one night a week if we were to get serious so ended it but he was like other high achieving people I've known, they tend to be high achievers in a lot of areas.
Work, sport/hobbies, relationships etc

billy1966 · 15/08/2021 09:01

OP,

Is this a career thing that you like on paper?

Barrister/surgeon?

He sounds like an utter arse and most women would dump such an obvious ego maniac.

@catpyjamas has nailed it.

He doesn't see friends and family and I doubt they miss him.

He sounds like a selfish, self absorbed twat and you would have to be utterly desperate for a man to settle for so little.

You might like the sound of it on paper but the reality would be, marriage to an insufferable bore who would ensure that you did absolutely everything as he is too important and busy.

A nightmare to have children with.

I know a couple of these.

My aunt was married to one and she described it as living a single life while married to GOD.

He was so important and simply couldn't possibly be concerned with the boring minutiae of family life when he was literally out saving lives every day.

He loved work and the adoration of the simpering nurses.

My aunt raised and educated her 4 children and when they were settled in their great careers, quickly divorced my uncle.

She is now living a very happy life with her new partner of the past 20 years whom she chose not to live with.

He still can't believe why she divorced him and his children don't bother with him.

He never involved himself in THEIR lives, he was too busy saving the world and indulging his ego.

There was no need for him to be such an arse, he chose to be.

He preferred the adoration of hospital and his rooms than the messy business of a family.

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