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Original poster

Anyone dated a surgeon, please talk to me

145 replies

Annabet · 13/08/2021 08:57

Met someone great, we get on so well. My job is very intense, I work long hours as a barrister and it can be relentless. I make time for friends and family and will do nice things when I can like a meal out or a trip away.

This man has explained that he sees friends once a year if that he generally doesn’t take annual leave unless he’s writing a paper… he sees family a few times a year but fleetingly. They never actually do anything like go out for a meal etc.

We’ve obviously done nice things together but it’s generally my ideas and he seems to relax when we do them. But it’s also like pulling teeth a bit, like he doesn’t know how to have fun without encouragement. He’s early 40s never married but apparently wants the whole family thing… his approach to day to day things like going out or watching a film make me sceptical he could achieve this

Guess I’m wondering if this is him or a direct product of his job? I know surgeons are busy people but do most relax a bit on days off and want to do things and have a holiday etc? I don’t want to waste my time on someone and feel that if this is him rather than just his job then he’s unlikely to get any better at downtime…

OP posts:

FlowersinJune · 13/08/2021 10:58

Run a mile. I have a few friends who have met guys in their late 30s early 40s who have the same background - limited relationships, a few friends, limited social activities. One was a surgeon, another a barrister, another high up in insurance. You feel they have decided they need to have a family as that what society expects. Luckily most friends the relationships did not go far; however, one friend who was desperate for marriage and child ended up with one. They did marry and have a baby, but she now has literally no social life. He doesn't like seeing her family. It's really sad to see.

Christmasfairy2020 · 13/08/2021 11:05

I work with a consultant anaethatist in a specialist field. He works every day. Nhs and x2 private jobs. Has no time of however does have 2 weeks every year for a holiday abroad and week in Feb half term to go skiing with wife and kids. But other than that that's it. Since your bf doesn't have kids he doesn't need time of. Don't know why your worrying. Book a holiday and give him 2 months notice and tell him to book it of

secular39 · 13/08/2021 11:14

Look OP, all you can do is try dating him and see, give it three months and then decide. Some of these posters sound jealous as Surgeons make ALOT of money.

One of my friends, female, is a surgeon, she is married but has no kids as she loves being a surgeon and knew this would be incompatible if she does go on to have kids as the profession is not family friendly at all!
She does take some time to spend holidays with her husband but she also has to be alert incase she's on call..

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Winemewhynot · 13/08/2021 11:14

What speciality does he work in? Its really down to him how much of himself he’s putting into the job, I know consultants that maintain a good work life balance and others that give their all to the job here early, leaving late, in when it’s not their weekend on call etc. Rotas are done fairly, on calls are shared about between a team of 8 consultants at our place so there’s definitely time for a relationship if he really wanted.

thenewduchessofhastings · 13/08/2021 11:27

I wouldn't date someone like him regardless of what profession he was in.The issue sounds like it lies with him not his job.

He's a anti-social loner who sounds abit narcissistic and set in his ways.

If you settled down with someone like this be prepared to be lonely,have your career affected because he wouldn't let it impact his and you'll be raising the kids on your own even though you have a husband.

Chuck this fish back in the sea.

Notagardener · 13/08/2021 11:39

depends a lot on what speciality he is a surgeon in

Loubiemoo · 13/08/2021 11:40

Most of the surgeons I know work very hard and long hours. However, they usually play hard as well to balance it out.

Is he even a surgeon if he doesn’t cycle as a hobby?

HelenHywater · 13/08/2021 11:59

It's him not his job OP. He'll always be a workaholic - why bother?

The surgeons I know, or have met (at parties!) are very sociable!

MarshaBradyo · 13/08/2021 12:02

If you are thinking you’d like a family consider if this would still be ok for you?

It might be difficult now but with children you might find this even harder

Greenmarmalade · 13/08/2021 12:03

Having children with him would be a nightmare.

welshweasel · 13/08/2021 12:03

It’s him! I’m a surgeon, working full time. I also have 2 young children and a husband who I like to spend time with. Other than on call (every 16th weekend) weekends are solely family time, I never bring work home to do. We see friends regularly, go on plenty of holidays and I take 6 weeks of annual leave every year. My job is really important to me, and I’m successful at what I do, but it’s not the most important part of my life. The vast majority of my colleagues have a similar outlook on life. One or two sound similar to the guy you’re dating, I would run a mile!

larkstar · 13/08/2021 12:05

My DD's are hospital based doctors and my impression through them is not a good one but that's their (not my) professional, not personal, experience. I think you have to be a special kind of person to do complex surgery but paraphrasing from stories I've been told over the last 9 years, and, admittedly I'm generalising - few surgeons display respect for people - not at different levels in the hierarchy, they can be bullying, superior, abrupt/rude and self-important - in a word, my word: a*holes. The screen-tested ones in TV documentaries seem like extra-ordinary people and probably are. It's fair to say my DD's have also spoken very positively about some surgeons so my negative generalisations are just that - 2nd hand generalisations - how does he treat restaurant and shop staff? Have you ever seen him complain? You both sound like work comes first - why would you even try this? For me, in my life, I think the relationship has to come first to get the most out of it. Maybe you think you can buy your way into happiness in the fleeting moments between your busy work lives (maybe you can!?) - maybe your work makes you happy and a relationship will just be the cream on top. I can't imagine that because I can't relate to your situations. Sure - work is important but for me, never more important than my wife and children.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 13/08/2021 12:16

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask this but are you sure he is a surgeon and not some unhinged fantasist living a double life?

MauveMavis · 13/08/2021 12:23

It’s him and choices he is making.

I’m a hospital doctor. I do work long hours and work 1 weekend a month.

Finding a date to do things can be challenging especially if the people I’m trying to see are also busy e.g arranged to meet a friend last night for dinner - next time we can catch up is mid September.

We get generous annual leave from the NHS. Only taking it to write a paper is ridiculous and old be worried about his work life balance.

I never return from holiday (leave- I don’t always go away) without knowing when the next one is.

AColdDuncanGoodhew · 13/08/2021 12:26

@Disrespected

Not quite the same. But I spent 7 years with someone who had an excuse for not doing stuff. Promised the world. Said wanted the same Things etc. But nothing progressed. But he then became jealous of me doing things myself.

I dumped him the day b4 his birthday.

Wotked out for the best for me. As I then got with a friend of many years, after a few months. And now married with 2 dcs.

This is scarily the same as me! Apart from dumping before the birthday.

Arcminute · 13/08/2021 12:31

@Hbh17

I have been married to a surgeon for 30+ years. He takes holidays & has lots of hobbies. But never be in any doubt that the job comes first - which is how it should be. You need to accept you are not all that important. Don't have kids unless you are prepared to single parent (I wasn't, so didn't). No phone contact during the time when he is at work - he has a job to do. You have to negotiate activities etc to fit in with on call commitment & the rota, so lots of advance planning. Enjoy making a life entirely independent of your partner, so you're not sitting around waiting for him to come home. It worked out fine for me, but is not for everyone.

This is your husband only, not in general at all. My father was a surgeon and my parents have been married for over 30 years and this wasn’t my experience as the child of a surgeon. We saw my father a lot and we socialised with his colleagues and their children and it was similar for most families. My mother is also a hospital doctor whose job was/is just as important and difficult to disturb when at work and it’s not like we ended up in an orphanage! Clearly you and your husband view his work a certain way and have chosen a particular lifestyle accordingly but it certainly doesn’t reflect the many families of surgeons that I know well, including my own.

catpyjamas · 13/08/2021 12:55

A friend's son is currently in medical school and wanting to be a surgeon. He sounds exactly like what you have described OP. He has a partner because that is what is expected. He rarely sees her or has time for any thing or any one other than medicine. He has that same 'I'm a God' attitude and everyone must worship him including his parents and siblings. (This might explain why your boyfriend doesn't see his family and friends much OP because they can barely stand to be around him.) He isn't a very nice person and I'm convinced he chose medicine because it allows him to show off his genius rather than because he cares anything about people. I don't think he's capable of caring for anyone other than himself and I suspect he will get worse with age. He's really quite insufferable to be around and I pity the woman he eventually marries. I don't think it's the job so much as the personality type that this job attracts but that doesn't mean everyone in medicine is a self absorbed arse.
I think you should move on OP and find someone who is willing to share the life you seem to want.

Original poster

Annabet · 13/08/2021 13:01

@catpyjamas

A friend's son is currently in medical school and wanting to be a surgeon. He sounds exactly like what you have described OP. He has a partner because that is what is expected. He rarely sees her or has time for any thing or any one other than medicine. He has that same 'I'm a God' attitude and everyone must worship him including his parents and siblings. (This might explain why your boyfriend doesn't see his family and friends much OP because they can barely stand to be around him.) He isn't a very nice person and I'm convinced he chose medicine because it allows him to show off his genius rather than because he cares anything about people. I don't think he's capable of caring for anyone other than himself and I suspect he will get worse with age. He's really quite insufferable to be around and I pity the woman he eventually marries. I don't think it's the job so much as the personality type that this job attracts but that doesn't mean everyone in medicine is a self absorbed arse. I think you should move on OP and find someone who is willing to share the life you seem to want.

@catpyjamas interesting post - I say this because when I first met him he was very lovely to be around and pleasant with others. It’s only recently (and when he’s had a drink) that it starts to emerge how highly he thinks of himself. I can see it getting worse.

OP posts:

Pipsquiggle · 13/08/2021 13:08

So you are conflating being a surgeon and being a workaholic.

I know lots of surgeons and consultants who have great social lives.

My DH would be like this surgeon now if I hadn't married him. He is very focused on work - always has, always will be - I knew this before we married and his determination and tenacity are some of his traits that I love.

Regarding social stuff, I organise him as much as I can e.g. we will be seeing my parents this weekend, let's go out on Thursday. Usually as long as he is forewarned, he's onboard. We're not that spontaneous but tbh with kids and a dog we have to plan more anyway.

Having children definitely made him think there's more to life than just work.

I think you need to have an honest, frank conversation with him to see if he is willing to bend a bit / compromise. I know quite a few single, career focused men in their 40s and they would find this difficult; hopefully, this man might realise there's more to life than work

ohthestruggles · 13/08/2021 13:23

@catpyjamas

A friend's son is currently in medical school and wanting to be a surgeon. He sounds exactly like what you have described OP. He has a partner because that is what is expected. He rarely sees her or has time for any thing or any one other than medicine. He has that same 'I'm a God' attitude and everyone must worship him including his parents and siblings. (This might explain why your boyfriend doesn't see his family and friends much OP because they can barely stand to be around him.) He isn't a very nice person and I'm convinced he chose medicine because it allows him to show off his genius rather than because he cares anything about people. I don't think he's capable of caring for anyone other than himself and I suspect he will get worse with age. He's really quite insufferable to be around and I pity the woman he eventually marries. I don't think it's the job so much as the personality type that this job attracts but that doesn't mean everyone in medicine is a self absorbed arse. I think you should move on OP and find someone who is willing to share the life you seem to want.

Good luck to him starting FY1..a couple of shifts and the god complex should be atleast 90% depleted by the nurse in charge..

But seriously that is NOT a good trait in a very junior medic.

ohthestruggles · 13/08/2021 13:24

@Noshowwithoutpunch

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask this but are you sure he is a surgeon and not some unhinged fantasist living a double life?

Like dirty John?

Pipsquiggle · 13/08/2021 13:31

OP - aren't there equivalent workaholics in your chambers?

Marmitemarinaded · 13/08/2021 13:34

@Annabet

He just seems so self indulgent at times. I get he’s busy but I work with lots of busy people and they still manage a personal life.

We’ve been trying to book a night away since may.

To be so early on in a relationship and have this view on someone Well, it doesn’t have legs op Don’t waste your time

Marmitemarinaded · 13/08/2021 13:35

I’m surprised given your industry that this way of life is striking to you

Marmitemarinaded · 13/08/2021 13:35

It gets worse as I have read your updates

Op you don’t seem keen on him

End it

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