Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Anyone dated a surgeon, please talk to me

145 replies

Annabet · 13/08/2021 08:57

Met someone great, we get on so well. My job is very intense, I work long hours as a barrister and it can be relentless. I make time for friends and family and will do nice things when I can like a meal out or a trip away.

This man has explained that he sees friends once a year if that Confused he generally doesn’t take annual leave unless he’s writing a paper… he sees family a few times a year but fleetingly. They never actually do anything like go out for a meal etc.

We’ve obviously done nice things together but it’s generally my ideas and he seems to relax when we do them. But it’s also like pulling teeth a bit, like he doesn’t know how to have fun without encouragement. He’s early 40s never married but apparently wants the whole family thing… his approach to day to day things like going out or watching a film make me sceptical he could achieve this

Guess I’m wondering if this is him or a direct product of his job? I know surgeons are busy people but do most relax a bit on days off and want to do things and have a holiday etc? I don’t want to waste my time on someone and feel that if this is him rather than just his job then he’s unlikely to get any better at downtime…

OP posts:
KitBumbleB · 13/08/2021 10:03

I had a summer fling with a surgeon, he worked ALOT however, he always managed to keep in touch. He would video call me at his desk, just prop his phone up and chat to me.

If this guy wanted to make time to see people and socialise more, he would find away. Surely he has excellent problem solving skills....

FizzyPink · 13/08/2021 10:05

I dated a doctor like this. Very admirable of him but he never took annual leave except to go and be a doctor for a couple of weeks a year in a third world country. So basically still working! He even volunteered on his days off.
Trying to make any plans or get any commitment out of him was a nightmare. I gave up on him fairly quickly.

Original poster
Annabet · 13/08/2021 10:07

@FizzyPink yes that’s how it feels…he just doesn’t seem able to think about anything else, including me.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
longwayoff · 13/08/2021 10:08

Ask Vanessa Feltz.

WhatMattersMost · 13/08/2021 10:16

This will not get better. Remember, you're at the stage where he'll be trying his best.

Pogostemon · 13/08/2021 10:17

Yes, agree: it’s not the job, it’s him. It probably won’t improve.

Hbh17 · 13/08/2021 10:22

I have been married to a surgeon for 30+ years. He takes holidays & has lots of hobbies. But never be in any doubt that the job comes first - which is how it should be. You need to accept you are not all that important. Don't have kids unless you are prepared to single parent (I wasn't, so didn't). No phone contact during the time when he is at work - he has a job to do. You have to negotiate activities etc to fit in with on call commitment & the rota, so lots of advance planning. Enjoy making a life entirely independent of your partner, so you're not sitting around waiting for him to come home. It worked out fine for me, but is not for everyone.

lunar1 · 13/08/2021 10:23

I'm married to a surgeon. The only time life was like this was during his registrar years.also not all specialities are equal in terms of demand. Is he doing a lot of private work?

My husband is a consultant now and we have time for family and hobbies but he's never 100% disconnected from work.

Kendodd · 13/08/2021 10:24

I was thinking gosh how has boris managed to have two kids in a pandemic if that’s the effect on a surgeon

Johnson is well known for being idle.
He was on holiday for two weeks in Feb 2020 instead of attending meetings about covid. Still, he must have been exhausted, it had been at least six weeks since his last holiday in Mustique.

TheVanguardSix · 13/08/2021 10:31

DH is a GP (30 years now) so we have surgeon friends courtesy of DH. Yes, the job is full-on but it really depends on the person. So lets focus on the guy you're seeing.
He sounds very spectrummy... change is very hard for people on the spectrum. Planning ahead and doing things outside of their 'safety bubble' is just emotionally overwhelming. They are brilliant workaholics, hyper-focused in certain areas. My DH is on the spectrum. And although he is a GP, he really wanted to train as a surgeon. He's an incredible GP... leagues ahead of most, if I am honest. He should have been a surgeon. He is rather amazing. But as far as being a husband and family man goes, well, it's been disappointing, if I am brutally honest. I love him, but it's not all roses.

Whether your fellow is on the spectrum or not is a rather moot point, tbh.
Taking all that you've written at face value, I'd be giving him the massive swerve. He is emotionally unavailable. It's clear as day. I've married the guy you're describing OP... the workaholic clinician. And although I have the kids, it's been quite damaging for us all to be constantly placed on the backburner. Holidaying with him will be a bloody nightmare because he'll take ages to switch off and be a basket case/emotional wreck for a week and then, when he finally switches off, he'll be sitting on his laptop or phone the entire time while you're itching to go see the sites... or climb Snowdon.
I can actually see clearly that this would likely be a miserable relationship. What you're seeing now is who he is. Getting married, having kids, reaching various life milestones will not change his approach to life. It'll just add more to your workload. You'll juggle everything! And this isn't because he's a surgeon... it's because he's a surgeon who is anti-social and resistant to doing anything that involves changing his scene to accommodate your wishes, like going to Snowdon. You can't even book a weekend away with him. He can't really think of what might make you happy.
The writing is on the wall, OP.
And I can't emphasize this enough: It is NOT you. Don't think for a minute that it is. He's a surgeon in his 40s who has never been married.... and can't even commit to a weekend away... or see a friend. Says a lot, tbh.

Auntienumber8 · 13/08/2021 10:36

DH cousin is married to a surgeon, she is a GP and they met at med school. I mean he is a very hard working person but he is so full of himself he is a bit bloody tiresome. They do have a social life, we used to all live in the same county so saw them quite a bit but they moved for his career.

I can see why many jobs mean you can’t have a pet or it’s harder. A dog needs walking and it’s cruel to leave them for long periods of time alone. With a job that may not have a strict end time it’s even difficult to arrange a pet sitter or dog walker.

He sounds like a workaholic to be honest. My DH is a bit of a workaholic, not on that level though. Just don’t go there.

MsHedgehog · 13/08/2021 10:37

I have dated a couple of surgeons in the past, and am also a lawyer so understand the long hours.

However, we spent weekends together (not so much weekdays due to work) and have actual holidays, not just weekends away. He sounds like a workaholic...

Thedayohthedayohtheday · 13/08/2021 10:38

Imagine living with him! No! I'd keep it very casual, or run!

Thedayohthedayohtheday · 13/08/2021 10:41

@TheVanguardSix

DH is a GP (30 years now) so we have surgeon friends courtesy of DH. Yes, the job is full-on but it really depends on the person. So lets focus on the guy you're seeing. He sounds very spectrummy... change is very hard for people on the spectrum. Planning ahead and doing things outside of their 'safety bubble' is just emotionally overwhelming. They are brilliant workaholics, hyper-focused in certain areas. My DH is on the spectrum. And although he is a GP, he really wanted to train as a surgeon. He's an incredible GP... leagues ahead of most, if I am honest. He should have been a surgeon. He is rather amazing. But as far as being a husband and family man goes, well, it's been disappointing, if I am brutally honest. I love him, but it's not all roses.

Whether your fellow is on the spectrum or not is a rather moot point, tbh.
Taking all that you've written at face value, I'd be giving him the massive swerve. He is emotionally unavailable. It's clear as day. I've married the guy you're describing OP... the workaholic clinician. And although I have the kids, it's been quite damaging for us all to be constantly placed on the backburner. Holidaying with him will be a bloody nightmare because he'll take ages to switch off and be a basket case/emotional wreck for a week and then, when he finally switches off, he'll be sitting on his laptop or phone the entire time while you're itching to go see the sites... or climb Snowdon.
I can actually see clearly that this would likely be a miserable relationship. What you're seeing now is who he is. Getting married, having kids, reaching various life milestones will not change his approach to life. It'll just add more to your workload. You'll juggle everything! And this isn't because he's a surgeon... it's because he's a surgeon who is anti-social and resistant to doing anything that involves changing his scene to accommodate your wishes, like going to Snowdon. You can't even book a weekend away with him. He can't really think of what might make you happy.
The writing is on the wall, OP.
And I can't emphasize this enough: It is NOT you. Don't think for a minute that it is. He's a surgeon in his 40s who has never been married.... and can't even commit to a weekend away... or see a friend. Says a lot, tbh.

Listen to this person!
SirGawain · 13/08/2021 10:41

@Annabet

He uses his job as a reason he’s not yet ever had a pet that he desperately wants, that he can’t go to a proper gym, that he’s never climbed snowdon (!), that he’s never had a girlfriend, that he misses his family, that his friendships suffer…

I was thinking gosh how has boris managed to have two kids in a pandemic if that’s the effect on a surgeon Grin

He sounds like a workaholic. In my experience they use work as an excuse not to do things they claim that the would like to do. He is probably not good at setting boundaries between his personal and professional lives. I think he would not make a good partner or parent.
znaika · 13/08/2021 10:45

Im dating a surgeon. Yes works hard but tremendous energy😂 - enough foe other things
Yours sounds like a dick. Sorry to be blunt about it

TheBestPlansAlwaysFail · 13/08/2021 10:46

It is him. There are still some medical professionals who want that "stay at home trophy wife + 3 kids" thing, without having to ever actually talk to them. The thing is, these days a 'trophy wife' is more likely to be high-achieving herself so they tend to consider anyone not at their level not worth dating but equally don't recognise that morally, it is a bit shit to expect your wife to make all the sacrifices and/or have the children raised by a full-time nanny and au pair.

The running joke about me was that I only date doctors or lawyers, so I have heard my fair share of stories about this type - it doesn't get better as they grow older. It takes effort but even a surgeon can make time for family and friends.

On the upside, this type of guy is great fun if he is up for a casual friends-with-benfits thing. They tend to bring wine to at least keep up appearances Wink

Disrespected · 13/08/2021 10:48

Not quite the same. But I spent 7 years with someone who had an excuse for not doing stuff.
Promised the world. Said wanted the same Things etc. But nothing progressed. But he then became jealous of me doing things myself.

I dumped him the day b4 his birthday.

Wotked out for the best for me. As I then got with a friend of many years, after a few months. And now married with 2 dcs.

TheBestPlansAlwaysFail · 13/08/2021 10:48

Just to add: they don't want the family life because they want a family. This type usually just wants it for the social prestige that comes with having a desirable wife and 'good' children.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/08/2021 10:51

Run.

SirGawain · 13/08/2021 10:52

oh gosh the martyring! He can’t possibly take a day off in the next two months to go away for the night apparently! People are depending on him
As my former manager used to say; “The graveyard is full of indispensable people.

tickledtiger · 13/08/2021 10:55

It’s him AND the job. I know lots of doctors, married to one. I think everything (including family) will have to revolve around this chap’s job until he retires.

Shedbuilder · 13/08/2021 10:56

BiL is a neurosurgeon, now in his late 50s. Married my SiL nearly 30 years ago. He's always been very busy but always made time for holidays and hobbies and the family. We've been to the theatre and the cinema and out to meals when he's been on-call and were lucky not to have the beeper go — but yes, from what I've seen they live a life where plans have to be changed at the last minute to accommodate his work. But the same goes with barristers, surely? Last-minute case requiring an all-nighter etc.

He sounds to me like someone who has no expectation or need of an busy social life. Presumably he can't be close to friends or family if he sees them so rarely or fleetingly. For me this would sound an alarm but if you're also someone whose work is of supreme importance it may suit. If this is the case then you know what you're in for: year after year of prising him away from work to have 'fun'.

Of course he may just not be that into you, or playing the field, or enjoying his working life so much that a relationship with you is an added bonus but not paramount.

godmum56 · 13/08/2021 10:58

this seems germane to this (and many other) threads...found on facebook

Anyone dated a surgeon, please talk to me
Anyone dated a surgeon, please talk to me
5329871e · 13/08/2021 10:58

Medicine is one of those all-consuming careers. It’s massively rewarding and can take over your life if you let it. Most people don’t let it, though, and most surgeons I know have a good family and social life.

It sounds like he’s one of those super-ambitious types, and may well end up extraordinarily successful.

He might be wanting a family for the wrong reasons - to tick a box on his “perfect life” list. If you have a family with him, be prepared to do EVERYTHING at home. TBH he should probably marry someone who’s happy to give up work.