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Original poster

Anyone dated a surgeon, please talk to me

145 replies

Annabet · 13/08/2021 08:57

Met someone great, we get on so well. My job is very intense, I work long hours as a barrister and it can be relentless. I make time for friends and family and will do nice things when I can like a meal out or a trip away.

This man has explained that he sees friends once a year if that he generally doesn’t take annual leave unless he’s writing a paper… he sees family a few times a year but fleetingly. They never actually do anything like go out for a meal etc.

We’ve obviously done nice things together but it’s generally my ideas and he seems to relax when we do them. But it’s also like pulling teeth a bit, like he doesn’t know how to have fun without encouragement. He’s early 40s never married but apparently wants the whole family thing… his approach to day to day things like going out or watching a film make me sceptical he could achieve this

Guess I’m wondering if this is him or a direct product of his job? I know surgeons are busy people but do most relax a bit on days off and want to do things and have a holiday etc? I don’t want to waste my time on someone and feel that if this is him rather than just his job then he’s unlikely to get any better at downtime…

OP posts:

Everydayisawindingroad · 13/08/2021 13:39

Is he definitely a surgeon? The wanting to climb Snowden but not doing so made me ponder if he lives in fantasy land.

saleorbouy · 13/08/2021 13:41

I don't think his job has anything to do with the fact he sounds a bit of a fun sponge!
I'd move on if you're struggling to see how things pan out now before throwing children into the equation.

HaveringWavering · 13/08/2021 13:50

@Annabet

He uses his job as a reason he’s not yet ever had a pet that he desperately wants, that he can’t go to a proper gym, that he’s never climbed snowdon (!), that he’s never had a girlfriend, that he misses his family, that his friendships suffer…

I was thinking gosh how has boris managed to have two kids in a pandemic if that’s the effect on a surgeon

It doesn’t really matter whether other surgeons are different. This one is like this and it is a huge mistake to think that you can change someone. Time to move on.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships

TangledTrees · 13/08/2021 13:52

Is his name Steven Strange?!

Beckhamsmetatarsal · 13/08/2021 13:55

It's him...I had a guy in my life like this for years until recently. Early 40s, very set in his ways, never had a gf and when you get to know him you can see why. He wasn't prepared to compromise or do anything out of his comfort zone and routine. We dated then were friends, but even as friends he was just self centered. If he's like this in his 40s he's likely to be more set in his ways now and without change then dating him will just be one sided or a battle.

Pollaidh · 13/08/2021 13:59

Quite a few surgeon (consultant level) friends, all are married (generally to other doctors) with kids. All are busy but manage to go on holiday, do at least some of the school pick-ups, events etc, are out and about with family at the weekend. Occasionally one will bring a child to a party or come for dinner but won't drink and will have warned us they're on call and may need to leave quickly.

At consultant level (age 40ish+) they should have a lot more control over their hours etc than a more junior doctor.

OTOH I know one apparently nice surgeon, in his 60s, who was always 'very busy', and the poor family found out last year that he was a bigamist, with a second family, children, home, everything. Both families bought the lie that he was very busy at work. I'm sure people have affairs and even second families in all walks of life, but there are some jobs which probably make it a bit easier, and make your partner less likely to question because they'd feel bad when you're supposedly off saving lies.

So - workaholic (not good), or already has a family... do some digging.

DowntonCrabby · 13/08/2021 14:03

Run, massive red flags. It’s not the job it’s the man in this case.

TheMarzipanDildo · 13/08/2021 14:06

I feel quite sad for him

Not up to you to ‘fix’ him though, OP. I would be very clear with him about what the problem is here. His attitude to work is not compatible with a family life.

dottydodah · 13/08/2021 14:09

I dont personally know of any Surgeons .However some must presumably have families? This guy sounds work driven to the point of obsession. The Vet Noel Fitzpatrick is unmarried ,and openly says he often sleeps at work! I think he will not be a good father as he wont be there very often.When he is he will probably not be able to switch off very easily!

PermanentTemporary · 13/08/2021 14:13

I work with doctors and have doctor friends.

I think with most specialities there is something that has to give. A senior nurse friend married to a surgeon has just given up her job because she's not happy with the struggle to give her daughters the family life she wants to while they are young. They're also spending a lot putting the dog into daycare she's happy with. She's happy with her marriage, they take holidays and do nice things together and he pays her good attention when they are together - she wouldn't put up with anything less. But his job is not very flexible in the week and she gets that.

It would be kind, I think, to explain to him that if he really wants family life, trips away, to climb Snowdon etc, he has to prioritise these things, to think about them. There will be people around him at work and like you who manage to do stuff like this, and he should talk to you and them about how to do it. But in the meantime, you will have to go by what he actually does, which is to make work so much his life that he can't even plan a day off despite 4 months' talking about it. I would be keeping this one casual (I'm not too good at that once I'm past a one night stand, so would probably have to walk).

marmaladehound · 13/08/2021 14:13

@fluffysocksgoodbookwine

It’s not the job, he’s a workaholic. Medicine attracts a lot of these, and they get a great deal of self-satisfaction from martyring themselves for ‘the greater good’, but there’s really no need. Plenty of surgeons/ medical doctors manage to have a decent work/life balance. I’m a doctor, married to another doctor, lots of surgeon friends.

Agree with this. I know plenty of Drs who have full well rounded lives but there are quite a few workaholics amongst them. Certainly not what I would want in my life.

Original poster

Annabet · 13/08/2021 14:16

It’s sad as I really clicked with him. When I’ve pushed him on things like a night away, he seems to get very stressed and anxious, sits staring into space frowning and saying he’s not sure how he can do it. It’s like nothing I’ve ever come across before!

OP posts:

Original poster

Annabet · 13/08/2021 14:17

Those saying it must be the same in my field, it is! I’m just not dating any of them…

OP posts:

bengalcat · 13/08/2021 14:23

Most surgeons work hard play hard and burn the candle at both ends - his inability to do stuff is just him

polkadotpixie · 13/08/2021 14:24

Is he a Registrar or a Consultant? I can kind of understand if he's a Registrar but most of the Consultants I work with have pretty decent schedules with families and social lives. Obviously they have to do their share of the on call rota but nothing like what your DP is doing

ballsdeep · 13/08/2021 14:26

@Annabet

Never mind workaholic! He's probably got another life

PermanentTemporary · 13/08/2021 14:28

Well. If he can find a way to think about it, perhaps he can start doing it? He might even enjoy it. I wouldn't totally give up yet. He must have a mentor or something similar? He must occasionally have taken a holiday?

larkstar · 13/08/2021 14:32

@ohthestruggles said:
"Good luck to him starting FY1..a couple of shifts and the god complex should be atleast 90% depleted by the nurse in charge..wink

But seriously that is NOT a good trait in a very junior medic."

This is so true - and those nurses will be doing everyone a favour.

Original poster

Annabet · 13/08/2021 14:36

No he’s senior now, a consultant, he’s 41!

OP posts:

yourestandingonmyneck · 13/08/2021 14:38

Whats his speciality?

ohthestruggles · 13/08/2021 14:39

@Annabet I was replying to the pp who spoke of a medical student with a god complex - he won't last long like that on the wards.

As for your man - he doesn't sound right.

Twinklettoz · 13/08/2021 14:43

I'm executive assistant to a Consultant in a hospital. He is often triple and quadruple booked most days and his evening calendar makes me feel exhausted. His wife is also a Consultant, needless to say time together is non existent. Their children have a nanny and are often doing an array of extra curricular activities. I would say as long as you're not needy and make demands on his time then you'll be fine. His patients will always come first!

MondayYogurt · 13/08/2021 14:48

If someone wants to make time, they will make time. They will carve out diary time for the things they want to do, because those things are priorities.

Sightlinesandsolutions · 13/08/2021 14:51

The NHS is in a bit of a mess at the moment, a lot of medics are working very hard and much harder than they'd like. It's also impossible to reduce your hours because of the understaffing. Plus surgeons are expected to do on-call even as consultants so a lot of unsociable hours. That said, some medics do get a bit obsessed and work far too hard by choice. Especially the ones who also do academic stuff, which by the sound of it your partner might be into if he's writing papers.

On a practical note, ask him how many "sessions" he does per week. That will give you a very good idea of how many hours per week he is contracted to do as a minimum. Each session is four hours, so a typical FT job is 10 sessions/40 hrs per week (though most doctors I know do hours and hours of overtime for free). Private work would obviously come on top of that. Might be illustrative of what's really going on.

The thing is that, for medics, taking time off can be really difficult, because for the most part, there's no one to cover for much of their job while they're away, so they'll come back to loads of emails, paperwork and other stuff.

He could actually be suffering from burnout too. That can cause you to withdraw socially and work doubly hard. So might be worth it to nudge him towards occupational health/GP. Especially if you really like him.

CrackedHeels2 · 13/08/2021 14:53

I am married to a surgeon, we've been together just prior to us both starting university. He is now 46. He has always worked incredibly hard, always been very focused on being the best that he can be. I think this is needed in order to be a successful surgeon.

He hasn't always given enough time to family (we had our children when he was aged 24, then 26). But he has worked hard to find a balance and that is, in my opinion, the key.

As other posters have said - 6 weeks annual leave but never fully away from the job. We have always ensured he takes all of his leave.

So it is possible to do more than just work but it does take some planning and I suppose the commitment to want to not work. It sounds to me that this man is consumed by the job and needs to try much hard to find any k

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