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Original poster

Anyone dated a surgeon, please talk to me

145 replies

Annabet · 13/08/2021 08:57

Met someone great, we get on so well. My job is very intense, I work long hours as a barrister and it can be relentless. I make time for friends and family and will do nice things when I can like a meal out or a trip away.

This man has explained that he sees friends once a year if that Confused he generally doesn’t take annual leave unless he’s writing a paper… he sees family a few times a year but fleetingly. They never actually do anything like go out for a meal etc.

We’ve obviously done nice things together but it’s generally my ideas and he seems to relax when we do them. But it’s also like pulling teeth a bit, like he doesn’t know how to have fun without encouragement. He’s early 40s never married but apparently wants the whole family thing… his approach to day to day things like going out or watching a film make me sceptical he could achieve this

Guess I’m wondering if this is him or a direct product of his job? I know surgeons are busy people but do most relax a bit on days off and want to do things and have a holiday etc? I don’t want to waste my time on someone and feel that if this is him rather than just his job then he’s unlikely to get any better at downtime…

OP posts:
CrackedHeels2 · 13/08/2021 14:54

Kind of balance!

What is his specialism?

MissyB1 · 13/08/2021 14:55

Hmmm..... OK, I'm married to a hospital Consultant, yes he takes most of his leave (not always all of it sigh). We do have a social life of sorts, and he has been as hands on as he can manage with ds. But their work is all consuming, and they suffer terrible guilt if they think they are letting anyone down, dh hates letting patients down or "putting on" his colleagues. He's a perfectionist (almost all of them are), so he likes things done his way - no one else will do it to the same standard apparently!! Basically they have a tendency to think of themselves as indispensable.

I've learned to cope and to accept, and it's all normal to me now. But my goodness the first few years of our relationship was interesting to say the least!

Having said all of that, one of the things I found so attractive about him was his dedication, ambition and professionalism. His job drives me insane sometimes, but it's part and parcel of who he is.

Chanel05 · 13/08/2021 14:59

It sounds like a get out clause for when he can't make time for you. I'm really busy with work and I told you this, so you aren't entitled to have any level of expectation towards me.

Interested in this thread?

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Dating General relationships
AlternativePerspective · 13/08/2021 15:03

Sounds like he loves himself too much to love anyone else.

2bazookas · 13/08/2021 15:10

My kids, their partners and a LOT of their social circle are surgeons/senior Consultants etc. Age range 40- 50. They work very hard but they also play hard; very active social lives with their friends and families and they are ALL very physically active all year round ( running, cycling, camping, hiking, swimming and ski-ing, gym).

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 13/08/2021 15:12

I work with a lot of surgeons. They have busy family and social lives.

A lot of the male surgeons have multiple affairs. Sorry to say but I wouldn't be suprised if he has a secret wife or family, and that's the reason why you can't go away together.

Have you met any of his family or friends? Been to his house? (One surgeon I know even rented out a secret flat so he could have affairs without his wife knowing).

wizzywig · 13/08/2021 15:14

Yes he may be a knob. He may also find the work hard and so that is why he spends so much time on it. He may be very ambitious and so that's why he spends so much time on it.

Disneycharacter · 13/08/2021 15:14

They tend to be super busy and focused people. Very intense because the job demands it. Lots of on call etc. I think with your job having a similar work ethic you might see each other twice a year.

InteriorDesignHell · 13/08/2021 15:47

He says he wants a family, but family are people, and, well, people, he ... doesn't like spending time with. Bit of a clash of priorities there unfortunately!

sleepyhoglet · 13/08/2021 15:52

Well I see a lot of surgeons on the school run so clearly not working like her is and they range from general surgeons to eye surgeons. There are some who are up themselves (tend to be bone surgeons) and they make more money and don't see them much. Does he also do private work for extra cash?

Moonwatcher1234 · 13/08/2021 16:09

Hi, married to an ex surgeon… transferred to another more family friendly specialism as surgery is so demanding especially once kids are in the mix. I would say they are all like that…sorry…but I guess you would want your surgeon to be totally focussed on their job if you were a patient. I think it is a character trait though and if you have both have demanding jobs it will be tricky to carve out relaxation and eventually family time.

HelloCanYouHearMe · 13/08/2021 16:16

A friend of mine dated one once. He was a complete arsehole

Notagardener · 13/08/2021 16:18

CD to the surgeon who mentioned 1/16 on call, here it's 1/4

Notagardener · 13/08/2021 16:19

With extra NHS catch up operating lists over the weekend for those that are not on call

Greenhand · 13/08/2021 16:23

I met a surgeon end of last year via OLD, who was about 40 years old and wedded to the job. Exceptionally bright, articulate, cultural and well read. Not only did he work for the NHS and privately, he also wrote a number of papers and articles for journals etc.
However, work came first and anything else (dating, friends and hobbies) took a back seat. This was far more evident through actions as opposed to words. I am not sure he would have even admitted this.
There was also something about his communication style that I wasn't sure about and so I walked away.
However, I know a number of NHS consultants who work extremely hard, play harder and have families.

Marmitemarinaded · 13/08/2021 16:27

Could it be that he’s just not especially keen on you?

My ex. Workaholic obsessed with work. 7 days a week, constant.

However first two year honeymoon period of our relationship, which is wonderful, he prioritised me.

The relationship began to stagger when the love and fancying began to deteriorate (on both sides).

Perhaps he simply isn’t willing to make work sacrifices because he’s not that in to you?

Original poster
Annabet · 13/08/2021 16:32

@Marmitemarinaded yes I’ve been wondering this myself! I’m not sure what to do next really. Meant to be seeing him tomorrow night!

OP posts:
Marmitemarinaded · 13/08/2021 16:33

I suspect Op
It might be the case
See how tomorrow goes
But he doesn’t seem keen
And you don’t seem all that keen on him either

I’d not waste my time.

He’s in early forties
How old are you and do you want a family?

Lampan · 13/08/2021 16:41

I know a few surgeons and they all seem to have holidays, social lives etc. A few are very self-important but by no means all of them.
Seems he is hiding behind his work as an excuse to not make any real effort.
A proper relationship, marriage and kids with someone like this would be unbearable.

recreationalcalpol · 13/08/2021 17:07

Fellow barrister here OP. You probably earn way more than him, unless you are doing fam/crime?? Anyway, if you go the distance with this dude, it’s your career and work/life balance that will suffer despite being the higher earner, not his. The flexibility of the Bar means that it’s much easier to fall into the role of chief school runner / cook / wife worker. Take it from someone who is living that life Hmm! DH isn’t a surgeon but is in a job that apparently requires him to be there until 9pm every night.

mena51 · 13/08/2021 17:10

Why date a surgeon? Cheating is rife. Probably half of the surgeons I know have had affairs and some others remains single to play the field. He is 40 and single? Unless he just got out of a long term relationship I would just steer clear.

Marmitemarinaded · 13/08/2021 17:13

@mena51

Why date a surgeon? Cheating is rife. Probably half of the surgeons I know have had affairs and some others remains single to play the field. He is 40 and single? Unless he just got out of a long term relationship I would just steer clear.
How many do you know? Grin
Pipsquiggle · 13/08/2021 17:34

OP - I think you need to have a chat with him. See how he reacts

Also, I guess it's important to know what you want e.g. settling down, if you want kids &/or companionship

Unfashionable · 13/08/2021 17:44

He’s a workaholic. His job is incidental. His attitude to work would be the same if he was an accountant or a travelling salesman or whatever.

This is who he is. Work comes first, second and third. He says he wants a family, but he wants it in the same way he wants to climb Snowdon. It’s not happening because of work. His tutu wife will have the same priority.

You have been warned, OP.

NautaOcts · 13/08/2021 17:47

Gosh I wonder what sort of life you’d have with this guy. Doesn’t sound good does it.
And his attitude of how his work has ‘stopped’ him doing all this stuff he allegedly really wanted to do would grate on me.

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