I want to kick DS out TODAY? Totally devastated by what he’s been saying about us.

[FeelingUtterlyBetrayed]

Sorry this is really long but I feel so betrayed and devastated and furious!

This lunchtime as I was sitting on the sofa I noticed a phone on the other arm of it, assumed it was DH’s as he’s off today but noticed the screen was open on what looked like a long message rather than being black and locked. I thought was odd so picked it up out of curiosity.

It was actually DS’s (19) phone, they both have Samsung phones. His phone obviously had been set not to time out.

He had been in a convo with his best friend about moving out, as he’s going to University in September, which apparently he’s desperate to do as we are very abusive to him and exploiting him for money (this was his friend saying this!).

His friend was advising him that he should contact the Uni to ask what help there is for students estranged from abusive parents and said ‘they even hit you man, that’s a crime, you could call the police on them’.

We also never support him and make him feel like shit about himself apparently.

We had have major issues with DS for many years due to extreme laziness and screen addiction. He is also very arrogant and argumentative, knows everything and is always right and other the last few years has become very aggressive and shouty when asked to do anything/called out on his behaviour, even with his younger brother.

We used to get constant calls from school about him not doing homework (even about falling asleep in class) and during his GCSE’s about him not completing coursework. He did much worse than expected but managed to get enough to do his A levels which he wanted to do. I actually tried to dissuade him from doing them as I knew it would be a nightmare to keep him focused after the stress of his GCSE’s but he insisted he wanted to do them and promised he would work hard.

We found out mid way through the course that he was flunking them and his tutor didn’t think it worth him continuing as he was constantly on his phone in class and not doing the work. So a whole year wasted.

Then he decided he wanted to do a BTEC about something he was passionate about so we supported him in that but again I constantly had to get him up in the morning, he was slow to finish his work and wasn’t handing stuff in on time. I had calls just before he was due to finish with concerns he was forecast for a Pass when he needed a Merit to get into Uni and that he hadn’t bothered to attend his English GCSE resit as he’d overslept! Lots of stress at home about this and constantly being on his back about doing the work. Still there were many times he didn’t even bother to go in and I’m amazed he got the Merit!

He also lost his part time job, which was a condition of him doing his BTEC for us as there was extra course fees and materials needed and I told him he had to pay them himself as it was his choice to do the course and be at college for an extra year. He lost that job within 6 months as he couldn’t get up to go to it and wasted all the cash on online gaming anyway!

When I say couldn’t get up, this was an evening job so he started at around 6pm! As he’d be up all night gaming, he’d stumble into college and then go to bed as soon as he got home in the afternoon! On weekends he’d stay up all night and sleep all day. I’d have to go to get up him and drive him there but gave up in the end as he was just taking the piss!

He hasn’t been able to get another job since last March despite me telling him from last year that if he wanted to go to Uni, he needed to get a part time job to save for the accommodation as we have no spare cash to subsidise him (and I didn’t want to with his track record).

There have been lots of arguments and we’ve lost our tempers and struggled with him to try to confiscate his phone (which we still pay for) or get his headphones off his head as he’s woken us up during the night shouting and swearing while gaming. Many times he has woken DH up at 3/4am and DH has a job where he can’t go into work tired!

Since he finished college, he literally sleeps all day and stays up all night. I have offered to pay for gym membership for him (have paid in the past but he ended up not going), given him cash to go out with his mates, tried to get him up and encourage him to do something but he will often sneak back to bed. I’ve looked up jobs for him to apply for for the summer, driven him to interviews, had to drag him out of bed to get ready. He’s even missed interviews by being asleep.

We’ve taken the WiFi but he just plays downloaded games.

I admit DH and I have both lost our shit and poured water over him to get him up and we have had tussles. His mates have also heard us shouting at him to shut up while he’s been online gaming with them as he’s so loud and also to get off the game for dinner or to do a chore he’s been asked to do. He often leaves his dinner on the side for hours after we’ve cooked for him and the other night we got him down to eat it but he left it on the table untouched and went back to bed! We come down in the morning to dirty glasses and plates left lying about. He rarely showers or brushes his teeth. He does nothing around the house.

We are at our wits end but had no choice but to support him to go to Uni as what else is he going to do? He can’t even get a part time job in a cafe!

As he can’t afford the accommodation, he will be living at home and commuting so we have said we want half of his first maintenance loan as we have been continuously paying out for him since he lost his part time job.

I recently paid over £200 for contact lenses which he can’t be bothered to put in, despite saying he wanted them. He has also lost two bikes over the last year by not bothering to chain them up. One was his Dad’s and he had to buy a new one, so we’ve said he can pay us back for that. He also got into an accident due to not looking where he was going and we had to pay for the damage to the car so he owes us for that. I gave him £100 a few weeks ago to buy clothes. So including all the £20 here and there, it’s probably over £1000 he’s had off us which I want back from his first maintenance loan and I think is reasonable. He’ll get around £2800.

He will only have train fare to Uni to pay so will have plenty for going out but apparently we are ‘exploiting’ him for money!

We are not well off as I have had to be a SAHM due to his brother being disabled so we have really struggled financially but always made sure he had everything he needed but apparently he’s embarrassed at us as we are ‘poor’ and all his mates parents are paying for their Uni accommodation and paid for their cars etc!

We have tried so hard to support him while coping with his brother and 2 other DC whilst he has been making himself out to be a victim to his mates and behaving disgracefully at home.

I have told him to pack his stuff and ask his mate if he can crash with him and I wash my hands of him. He’s in bed asleep right now!

I just cannot believe he actually thinks we are abusive to him . I can’t stop crying.

@alltheemptyfields

and more ridiculous comparisons between a parent and a husband

Husband telling you to go to bed
husband telling you to do your work
husband giving you pocket money
husband removing your device after 7pm
husband insisting on knowing where you are and imposing a curfew,

all of those would be abusive. So any parent guilty of the above is abusive?

It’s absolutely insane isn’t it!

Honestly people on mumsnet I swear could fall out with themselves in a phone box.

For all those saying confiscate something too, i lived with a horrible brother for who this was tried and he became violent and dangerous, this isn’t a ‘rule obeying’ , boundary setting’ ‘actions and consequences’ scenario. Their son clearly has no respect for them and it will get worse!

@stepupandbecounted : I'm in agreement with you. This is indefensible behaviour.

For gods sake @user16395699 prison for throwing a glass of water. Ffs

[quote Kanaloa]@GetTaeFuck

Ah, okay! Honestly can’t understand how so many people think this is acceptable. It’s a horrible situation and I’d feel ashamed of myself as a mum if that’s what I’d resorted to.[/quote]
No one on here has said its acceptable. Its a toxic situation for all and they why people are saying he should move out.

Why cant he get halls of residence?

@Nc4post99

For gods sake *@user16395699* prison for throwing a glass of water. Ffs

Only on MN..

It isn’t toxic, it’s a parent who’s been abusing their DS since he was doing his GCSEs.

OP I posted earlier, and have come back to the thread because it struck me that you mention having a disabled child, does your son get any support or respite ? This can be really helpful for siblings.

You really do need to have a brutally honest conversation with yourself, this situation is not ok, but in order for it to change then you all need to be prepared to actually put in changes! And that starts with looking at things from your sons point of view.

I have 2 kids, 1 is disabled, I work, and my DH works away from home (sometimes for months) I get that sometimes life is a bloody thankless grindstone , but as the parent you really need to be the one to step up and act like the bigger person - show your son how to deal with people and circumstances like a mature responsible adult.

He hasn't said anything inaccurate if you have got into "tussles" - it sounds like far too much of a power struggle tbh. You need to accept there are things you do not have the right to do to another person no matter how irritating they are being.

You'd be unreasonable to kick him out today, obviously. To set a date in 6 weeks where he needs to move out would be more reasonable.

It sounds like you really dislike your ds, and I wonder if this has come across to him also.

@fatboyslimschin

Plenty of posters have rushed to tell op she ‘isn’t abusive’ and argue that she was at the end of her tether and was only trying to impose discipline. One poster has argued that there is no other way to parent and apparently those who disagree that this is acceptable are the abusive ones. People have definitely argued that this is acceptable behaviour on this thread.

All this post has done is made me go hug my teenage DS that little tighter this evening. I had/have a mother like you. I cannot stress enough what damage she did to my mental health, boundaries and self esteem whilst growing up. I’ve spent years in therapy and am only now getting to the bottom of my problems. I am 47. I wish your DS well.

And op herself is obviously minimising the situation with no ability to reflect on her own bad behaviour towards her son. She thinks he should consider himself lucky she and her husband have ‘never lamped him.’

Having just read your responses to people's posts you come across as very angry and defensive. You also repeatedly state how you had no help from your parents. Did you also go to Uni?/ Get a career? If so, do you think that you things were easier in terms of grants etc back then? Just because you didn't receive financial support from your parents, does that mean that he should also have to have the same hard start? Would you have liked to have more support? It almost sounds as though you are angry over the fact that you had to suffer/make your own way, therefore he should too. You sounds under a huge amount of stress, which is really not helping.

@GetTaeFuck : It will all be sad when the poster can't understand why he doesn't want further contact. It is likely that she will blame him again.

Family therapy has cropped up a few times and it's good advice.

Where would op get it? Relate??

Money well spent op..

@FMSucks : My dad was a tyrant; blamed me for his abusive behaviour. I haven't been brave enough for therapy yet. I wished he could reflect, but he didn't, similar to the poster.

Of course violence is wrong, but trivial stuff like dribbling water on someone's head because they refuse to get up is not... it's pretty normal IMO

It certainly isn't normal to pour water over someone's head because they don't want to get out of bed. Neither is it normal to forcibly yank headphones off people's heads or shove them about.

Only read your posts @FeelingUtterlyBetrayed.

Why are you paying for phone?Cancel.
No wifi.
Chores to do or move out
why are you giving money, paying for contacts, all luxuries
Needs to get a job
owes money, needs to sell gaming equipment
He cant afford uni so its a no go this year
He needs a major wakeup

@icedcoffees : or 'tussling'

[quote Kanaloa]@fatboyslimschin

Plenty of posters have rushed to tell op she ‘isn’t abusive’ and argue that she was at the end of her tether and was only trying to impose discipline. One poster has argued that there is no other way to parent and apparently those who disagree that this is acceptable are the abusive ones. People have definitely argued that this is acceptable behaviour on this thread.[/quote]
Maybe that was in defence of the OP being called "abusive arsehole' and more.

And I was one of the ones that said she was probably at the end of her tether - because I've seen it in my family. Neither parent or young adult offspring covered themselves in glory. They are not abusive people but just got lost in the stress and helplessness and didn't know how to manage it properly.

I think there is a few people ( in fact I know there is one as I was on one of her previous threads) that are treating the OP as their own parents.

If the 19 year old was living with his girlfriend with a baby, and abusing her the way he abuses his parents - if just financially, even with the rudeness and horrible behaviour

(he's old enough to be a dad, think about it a for a second)

no way would posters play the "he's just a poor child with nasty parents abusing him by forcing him to study or try to get a job" card then. He would be considered for what he is, and ADULT man who needs to get his own life in order!

This was a heartbreaking read, as I have worked with young men with ADHD and his behaviour screams it from every syllable of the OP. Family history of neurodiversity too. Bet he's been masking like crazy and it finally caught up with him.

Pouring water on a sleeping person is abuse. If somebody wrote on here that their DH had woken them by pouring water on them we would tell them to LTB. Likewise, 'Tussles' is an admission of physical abuse.

If the OP was talking about a young woman I wonder if that would change how many have responded to them.

I’m sad for this kid, I really am. Only a few weeks before he can jump ship and never see them again.
But he isn’t jumping ship is he? He’s been a lazy fucker and sacked off every job because he’d rather play video games and take the utter piss at home. Let’s not pretend this grown adult is an innocent little boy, he’s a lazy shit who has fumbled his way into university. He will be shown the door by the start of term 2 if he keeps up this ridiculous charade of not waking up, not completing work and sacking off all responsibilities.

I think he needs to leave and stay in student accommodation; I think it will do you both good to get some distance and parity over this before it damages your relationship for good.

I completely agree.

You both have your own sides of the story and real feelings towards what’s happened.

I think it’s time to realise you may have made mistakes and as a teen I’m sure he has too but instead of keep bringing up the past it’s best to draw a line in the sand and start fresh.
I would definitely help and encourage him to live in student accommodation. You all need some distance and if he thinks you’re abusive it will be healthy for him to be living somewhere else and you don’t need to be stressed out worrying he is going to not get to his class on time as it will be his responsibility.