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Original poster

Ever had to have a word with elderly parent about how much they complain during meals out?

178 replies

thefourgp · 11/08/2021 09:41

I was embarrassed….again and I’m really getting sick of it. There’s nothing wrong with complaining when it’s something genuine but it’s getting to the stage it’s every single time we go out for a meal and it’s petty crap. I take my elderly mum and her two best friends on a day out or for a meal every couple of months as a treat. None of them drive and they’re nice women in general but they seem to be constantly looking for something to complain about every single time now when we have something to eat. It’s getting to the stage I don’t want to take them out to eat any more. Last night the waitress offered to replace the meal or bring something else and one of them sat like a huffy toddler saying ‘you’ll just bring me another bad meal - I’ll just eat my chips. I’m not coming back here again.’. So what’s the point in complaining? She’s been polite, offered you a resolution and you’re still not happy. They took the meal off the cost of the bill but I was embarrassed about how rude she was to the waitress. It pisses me off. The other three of us had the exact same meal and there was nothing wrong with it. I’ve commented to them before about how much they complain and it goes in one ear and out the other.

OP posts:
PlinkPlankPlunk · 11/08/2021 09:44

Oh I hate that sort of thing. I’d be tempted to not offer to take them again and if they ask about say, well, you didn’t seem to enjoy it the last few times so I didn’t think it was a good idea. And then ask them if there is somewhere they would actually like to go where they would be happy eating.

It sounds so dismal for all concerned!

CaptainMyCaptain · 11/08/2021 09:44

My MiL is like this. We took her out a dew weeks ago and while we were eating a rather large woman in a skimpy outfit walked in. Mil exclaimed 'Oh my God!' at the top of her voice causing heads to turn and look. She is very ill but it's not dementia.

MoggyP · 11/08/2021 09:46

No, and I suspect this is more about 3 individuals, than anything to do with age.

Perhaps you saw less of your DMum's habits with her friends before you started driving them?

They are adults, its not your job to bring up adults and have them mend their manners. That's your role to your DC

It might be worth 'running errands' elsewhere nearby (any excuse really) so you don't have to sit through something you dislike.

ClemDanFango · 11/08/2021 09:49

Sounds like my dad. I left him in a restaurant once because he was treating the staff like utter shit, clicking his fingers at them and demanding they do this and that, nothing was good enough etc. I don’t know who he thinks he is?! He’s a working class London cabbie not a fucking celeb!

gamerchick · 11/08/2021 09:49

I wouldn't have let them comp the meal. I'd have made a point of apologising and paying anyway in front of the complainer.

Then telling them if they pulled a stunt like that again, they can stay home next time.

Going to act like a kid, get treated like one.

saraclara · 11/08/2021 09:50

They don't enjoy it, so why take them?

I suggest you either just stop, and wait for them to ask why, as the pp suggested, or take them one more time, wait for the complaint, and then put your cutlery down and make it clear that since they don't enjoy these outings, this will be the last one.
The latter has more power as it immediately follows the behaviour, so they can't deny it. But both are decent options.

Blossomtoes · 11/08/2021 09:50

Don’t take them all out, make future outings just for your mum.

LittleBearPad · 11/08/2021 09:51

I’d ask where they want to go and let them
Take responsibility for choosing it.

Running errands is also a good way to avoid querulous complaints

Pissinthepottyplease · 11/08/2021 09:52

I’ve come to realise my Mum’s hobby is complaining not necessarily to the staff because that would be constructive but just whinging.

Moltenpink · 11/08/2021 09:52

My grandad got like this, my mother always thought he was covering up embarrassment about his reduced appetite. Rather than leave the food for no good reason, he would make up a complaint.

ssd · 11/08/2021 09:54

Take them for a nice run somewhere and get them to take sandwiches.

saraclara · 11/08/2021 09:55

@CaptainMyCaptain

My MiL is like this. We took her out a dew weeks ago and while we were eating a rather large woman in a skimpy outfit walked in. Mil exclaimed 'Oh my God!' at the top of her voice causing heads to turn and look. She is very ill but it's not dementia.
To be fair, it could be an early indication of cognitive issues. My elderly auntie, who is an otherwise wonderful and highly intelligent person, seems to have lost some of her inhibitions. She's never been the soul of tact, but now she says things out loud and in front of people that she never would have done before. It's embarrassing and sad at the same time. But she's otherwise the same person she's airways been, so it's not dementia as such. More a sign of brain deterioration?
JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 11/08/2021 09:56

I’ve come to realise my Mum’s hobby is complaining not necessarily to the staff because that would be constructive but just whinging.

Mine too, although I've now started wondering whether she is always whinging or whether I'm just so used to hearing it, that anything she says is heard by me as a whinge (even if it wasn't).

Ninkanink · 11/08/2021 09:59

Why do you keep taking them out? I wouldn’t.

If you’re rude, ungrateful and treat helpful people in a good establishment with no problems in service like dirt on your shoe, why on earth would I keep facilitating that?

I honestly would say no, sorry, it’s not happening. You act like a toddler and embarrass yourself, me and the waitress. So you get to stay at home where you can whinge to your heart’s content.

Oldraver · 11/08/2021 10:01

When you say you take them out as a treat, are you paying ?

Their behaviour is uncalled for but doubly so if it's you treating them.

Is your Mum the same ? I would stick to taking just her, it's bad enough this kind of behaviour from family but no way would I tolerate it off an acquaintance

My Mum used to go for meals with a family with no manners, the boy would always go bluegrass, this is sick and spit out food, the man would just shovel anything he didn't like into the table or his wife's plate. I don't know why they put up with it so long

MrsPumpkinSeed · 11/08/2021 10:02

That's very difficult.
I would delay going the next time and calmly explain why.
My mil is like this with everything lately. Maybe it's a little depression or low mood.
But they don't need to make a show in public if they have their wits about them. That's spoilt behaviour (unless of course they are not well then I know that is part of it)

RedElephants · 11/08/2021 10:05

To be fair ClemDanFango I wouldnt expect anyone, even a celebratory to be clicking their fingers at anyone, how bloody rude.

MrsPsmalls · 11/08/2021 10:07

The trick here, although it is a hard one to learn is to stop talking responsibility for the behaviour of others. They are allowed to complain, it's not your responsibility to stop them. If you don't want to be involved in it all, drop them at the cafe and go and do something else. If they ask why, tell them. I would not eat with this group of miserable people for anything.

ssd · 11/08/2021 10:08

Old people get moany. They loose some inhibitions and generally aren't around the outside world as much as they used to be. Life is getting harder for them, they're often in a bit of pain and discomfort and just not enjoying stuff as much anymore. Its a bit shit really. But i believe if you weren't a moaning complainer before you got old you wont suddenly turn into one.

Ive waitressed for years in a private club. The amount of old people regularly moaning was never ending. Equally some older ones were genuinely lovely. But the moaners would come in for lunch and refuse to pay for anything but water to drink. And we're talking old people with money here. I was really tempted to say treat yourself, you'll be dead soon...never did though. And they are all dead now.
Anyway hope you get things sorted soon @thefourgp

cariadlet · 11/08/2021 10:09

Just stop taking them out for meals. I would be too embarrassed by their rudeness to want to be seen out in public with them. If they ask why you haven't taken them out for a while, don't try to be polite - let them know the truth.

ssd · 11/08/2021 10:10

@RedElephants

To be fair ClemDanFango I wouldnt expect anyone, even a celebratory to be clicking their fingers at anyone, how bloody rude.
Ive been whistled at to get service. I asked him if he'd lost his dog. He just smirked. Age 80 plus. I think he still had 1975's attitudes.
ClemDanFango · 11/08/2021 10:14

@RedElephants quite! It was honestly the most embarrassing display. He can be such and entitled fuckwit sometimes. I apologised profusely to the staff when I left and left them a big tip. Dad didn’t speak to me for weeks after which was a blessing.

underneaththeash · 11/08/2021 10:19

I think some people just like complaining.
My MIL is a complete joy sucker at the best of times, but lives a good complain (she’s always been like this).
We just don’t see her very often!

ExConstance · 11/08/2021 10:21

My mother was like this too. There was only one place she did not complain about the food but she didn't want to go there all the time. Everywhere else the soup was too thin, there was too much, too little, had to wait too long, just didn' t like it. DS 2 and I took her for a very special afternoon tea once and she just pulled faces all the way through and said it wasn't up to much, really spoiled the occasion and all the little cakes and mini sandwiches were amazing.
The last birthday treat I arranged at a little teashop all her friends recommended, she had been there before but she just moaned all the way through, even the tea itself wasn't right.
I never really understood why she was like this, but it really was a trial and a tribulation.

Original poster
thefourgp · 11/08/2021 10:24

Sorry, should have made it clear that we usually pay for our own meals. I don’t think it’s anything to do with illnesses. My mum has always been like this but she’s getting worse. My sister and I have both had words with her before about it. Her friends are like unrelated aunts to me because they’ve all been friends for many, many years. I think they just like whinging and complaining. Even if they don’t say anything to staff, they still loudly complain and in the past few years (or maybe I just notice it more like one poster suggested because I’ve been spending more time with them recently) they bicker amongst each other quite a bit. Her friends don’t have family who’ll take them out and I enjoy when we visit places but the meal situation is really annoying me.

OP posts:
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