Come try and top this phrase/saying

[standingbymylover]

I've just read someone say 'tight as a gnat's Arse' and haven't laughed so much in ages

Are there any other goodies I'm missing out in?

The wheel is still turning, but the hamster is already dead

When asked if it was really-really OK to use the little loo right next to the chief execs office (or was he just pretending with fake managerial bonhomie) my Ozzie friend said 'I'd go for a wee, but I wouldn't drop the kids off at the pool if I were you'. Took us about half an hour to get it, never forgot it.

As much use as an ashtray on a motorbike.
Up and down like a whores drawers.

The road runs 2 ways

He/she has morals lower than the balls on a snake.

And also:

As chuffed as a dog with two dicks.

All fur coat and no knickers

Hingin' aboot like a fart in a trance

@JovialNickname

He's so tight that if you shoved a piece of coal up his arse, it'd come out a diamond

Does the Pope shit in the woods? (In response to someone asking a very obvious question)

The coal/diamond one is a Ferris Beuller quote

I love the shoes falling out of the loft one! Not much makes me lol at this time of the morning!

oh and my other favourite was from very dear friends of the family, they were our fake Auntie/Uncle and we were all visiting for lunch

He kept popping out of the kitchen to the garden and when his wife finally had enough and asked what the hell he was up to he explained he was struggling with wind.

She was hellishly posh and us kids were expecting him to get a real telling off but she just said
"ahhhh! Better an empty house than a bad tenant"

I was shaking like a shitting dog…

You could ride bare-arsed to London on that knife! [of a blunt knife]

I also love “…up and down like a bride’s nightie”

A couple of mine come from Lily Savage:

'I was so hungry I could eat a nun's arse through the convent railing'

'Faster than greased weasel shit'

He/she gets where dirt can't, for someone whos always around or popping up when you don't want them

All over it like white on rice

He/she is so slippery they could get under a snakes arse with a top hat on

So hungry i could eat a scabby donkey

Courtesy of Jethro.

I was so hungry me arse was snappin' at the grass!

One I heard today about a not a very nice area which made me laugh "the birds fly upside down as there's nothing there worth shitting on".

Do you houses at the weekend with a face like that. Said I response to my angry face by my brother.

Another springs to mind from MN a few years ago "a fanny like a punched lasagne".

Up and down like a bride’s nightie

@AbsolutelyPatsy - just for you, the immortal John Shuttleworth

It's about as useless as a snorkel on a fish

'His/her wits have gone wool gathering' - said of one who is behaving irrationally

'That gate, fence, hedge, (insert appropriate object) be jommetry' - something which is not straight or true to a line, presumably alluding to geometric shapes which are not square.

'Feeding the air with empty words' - someone who talks too much

Got a face like a welders bench.

When discussing a look of disgust - she looked at me like I'd taken a shit in her handbag.

About a thin person:

like a stripped-down racing snake.

About something that runs smoothly - like a slug on greased silk

A fart sounding like a bear barking into a bin.