How to deal with friends who want to bring their teenage children along to everything?

[JustMeAndWheatley]

I’m struggling with a friendship situation and don’t know how best to handle it without causing offence.

I have two friends that I got to know well through an exercise class that we did several times a week before Covid. There were others at the class who came and went but the three of us were the constants in the class over several years, and got on well. Last year, once restrictions eased, we met for walks or coffees maybe once every week or two and it was nice.

Recently we’ve arranged to meet for walks, pub lunches etc, and they bring their teenage children along. I too have teenagers and they’ve been invited but don’t want to come. The teenagers are nice enough but really dominate conversation and are actually quite annoying for any length of time. It has changed the dynamic totally and we don’t get to have the same ‘adult’ conversations that we used to have.

I’ve tried making excuses for not going when they meet up but they won’t take no for an answer. Instead of saying, shall we do X on Wednesday, it will be ‘which days and times are you free?’ so it’s harder to make excuses. They give me a hard time for not bringing my children too.

I would not be on board with this in my free time either! Not unless I'd known the kids years or they were family.

I think you need to be blunt and say you were hoping to meet for adult company without kids. They may or may not be up for this, their choice.

My teens would rather gouge their own eyes out than come out for mum lunch.

Your friends are bloody weird!!
Maybe suggest an evening meet up in a bar?
An over 18 place.

I feel your pain, I am in a friendship group with 3 other mums, all of us are mums of teenage girls who are friends. Myself and another mum prefer meeting up without the girls for the same reasons you have said and the other two want to include them every time. I don't understand why they want them there every time when the girls organise their own social lives now. At least I have an ally and sometimes we just ask if it can be a Mums meet up only, I would suggest this especially as your teenagers don't want to go, maybe that could be used as a reason.

Well just say you were hoping to meet them alone for a good gossip without the kids around! Why's that so hard?

@Chunkymenrock

Well just say you were hoping to meet them alone for a good gossip without the kids around! Why's that so hard?

Exactly but then I love meeting and talking to my friends teens and young adult kids so I'm probably in a minority on Mumsnet

Evening meet up in a bar isn’t an option, unfortunately. We all live rurally and in different places, so we couldn’t drink. There are no taxis here. And one of them gets up at 4:30 am for work.

Starting to think I should just be blunt. If I lose their friendship maybe it’s not such a loss, because I’m not enjoying my time with them at the moment? Still feels a bit sad though.

It annoys me that they make me feel inadequate for having children who don’t want to tag along with me.

I would often take my teens out if they wanted to go, if you don't want this just tell them

I would often take my teens out if they wanted to go, if you don't want this just tell them

Why would you take your teens out to meet ups with your friends?

Ask them if they fancy a child-free walk, or to let you know if they ever fancy doing something childfree, as if your kids dont want to come, then you dont want to then be hanging out with other peoples kids.

I have the opposite problem: my kids want to come with me when I don’t want them around! I’d be thrilled if someone told me they’d rather have just me

That said, I’m a complete hypocrite as I do enjoy having other people’s kids around.

So, sorry. Not much help!

Tell them you fancy a game of bingo.

No kids allowed in there.

I have (had) a friend who does this. Was fine when the children were younger, and came along too, but they're all teenagers now.

She openly says that her children come first, in everything. Her children are also pretty attention seeking and interrupt constantly. It has got to the point that I'm clear that they don't like me, because I take their mother's attention away from them.

To be honest, I've just stopped seeing her. It's an awful shame because I really like her. She thinks of me as her best friend, but it's become impossible to have a proper friendship.

I would say that we managed a year of invites saying "grown ups only", which she liked, but the children kicked off used to phone her every five minutes so she started to bring them again.

Def speak up. Just say you'll come along when kids aren't present as you so enjoy the adult conversation (as lovely as the kids are, etc).

they won’t take no for an answer

What does this mean?
Do they turn up at yours and forcibly remove you from your house?

Why can't you just say that you prefer to meet up as adults?

The word "blunt" has negative connotations. Think of it as being clear! And yes, definitely be clear about what you want.

You don't have to be rude. Just state that you much prefer meeting up with just the adults and you would love to make a date with your two friends. Make it positive, not negative .

Start talking about your colourful sex life.

You’re all right. I need to speak up and try and take control of organising events.

Final straw today was me texting one to see if she’d like to meet for a walk on Monday (other one is on holiday). Her reply was ‘yes, great. I’ll bring X too if he’s awake’.

I'd be feeling inadequate if my teens wanted to come with me, not the other way around!!

Bitty?

It is really odd her teens want to tag along all the time.

Why don’t you answer ‘Maybe we could meet just as adults as I want to have a grown up chat?’ There are certain conversations little ears shouldn’t hear even if they’re teens.

Reply to friend and say you’re looking forward to adult time, so if they can’t do Monday to let you know when THEY are free to meet up, just the 2 of you and you’ll check your diary- that way it’s crystal clear and the ball is in friend’s court about whether they are prepared to leave dc at home to meet you

Ah, man, you've just got to tell them that you're not up for meeting with the kids too.

Hi Sally, yeah, I'd love to come, but I'm not up for meeting with the kids too. If you want to cancel, that's fine, or do you want to come just the two of us, no kids?