Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How to deal with friends who want to bring their teenage children along to everything?

130 replies

JustMeAndWheatley · 07/08/2021 17:48

I’m struggling with a friendship situation and don’t know how best to handle it without causing offence.

I have two friends that I got to know well through an exercise class that we did several times a week before Covid. There were others at the class who came and went but the three of us were the constants in the class over several years, and got on well. Last year, once restrictions eased, we met for walks or coffees maybe once every week or two and it was nice.

Recently we’ve arranged to meet for walks, pub lunches etc, and they bring their teenage children along. I too have teenagers and they’ve been invited but don’t want to come. The teenagers are nice enough but really dominate conversation and are actually quite annoying for any length of time. It has changed the dynamic totally and we don’t get to have the same ‘adult’ conversations that we used to have.

I’ve tried making excuses for not going when they meet up but they won’t take no for an answer. Instead of saying, shall we do X on Wednesday, it will be ‘which days and times are you free?’ so it’s harder to make excuses. They give me a hard time for not bringing my children too.

OP posts:
theliverpoolone · 07/08/2021 23:17

Final straw today was me texting one to see if she’d like to meet for a walk on Monday (other one is on holiday). Her reply was ‘yes, great. I’ll bring X too if he’s awake’.

In that case make the walk as early as you can - my teen wouldn't be awake before about 11! Surely most teens aren't going to drag themselves out of bed for a walk with their mum and her friend?!

Starwind74 · 08/08/2021 17:33

Are your friend’s teens only children? Because I think parents of only children tend to take them along rather than leave them at home alone, whereas 2 or more at least have each other for company.

LittleMissPlant · 08/08/2021 17:50

Why don’t you do the adult thing and have a conversation about it and ask why they always bring their kids…maybe there’s a reason!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 08/08/2021 17:52

How old are the teens? Maybe if 13 they are just irresponsible or nervous and she doesn’t like leaving them. You say you asked your teens to come but they wouldn’t - would you be ok with it if your teens were there? If they are older than 14 then it’s just weird.

TheChosenTwo · 08/08/2021 18:03

Is it possibly because it’s the summer holidays?
I invite mine out more now because they’re not doing much otherwise and I’m going out a lot - they will come if it’s a food based outing although I wouldn’t invite them if it was lunch with a friend they didn’t know or a friend I knew probably wouldn’t want to see my dc.
Last week I met friends alone for lunch twice and once with my dc when we met SIL with my niece and nephew as it was appropriate and my dc wanted to see their cousins.
I do understand more when it’s the holidays but I still wouldn’t drag them along if it was to see friends who didn’t know them!
However mine do still want to do things with me and I’m trying to embrace it because next year the eldest will be off to uni and people keep telling me I will miss them Confused

dft6432 · 08/08/2021 18:06

Given you have kids yourself, it's probably easier to mention that you'd really like some adult time and a break from kids. It's one thing having a group chat when you've invited a family over for dinner but another thing bringing your teenager to an adults meet up.

I have two teenagers and I wouldn't bring them along as the third wheels. It means you can't talk about certain things and consigns everyone to making polite conversation with the kids. Which is fine in different circumstances but a bit thoughtless to not understand it changes the dynamic. And yes, I like chatting to other people's teenagers but there's a time and a place for it.

LizzieSiddal · 08/08/2021 18:11

I would not say you want “adult time” as she’ll be worried about what you’re going to talk about Grin I’d use the line “time without kids”.

MsTSwift · 08/08/2021 18:11

I have never come across myself when I meet my friends we are usually letting off steam to rant about tgg her kids not bring them along?! Moot point as none of us 20 odd women have a single teen between us that would want to come with their mum to meet the mums friends! Sorry but it’s very odd

Coyoacan · 08/08/2021 18:15

Exactly but then I love meeting and talking to my friends teens and young adult kids so I'm probably in a minority on Mumsnet

Mine refused to accompany me anywhere, but that is unusual for my friendship group

ShiteningMcQueen · 08/08/2021 18:15

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

Bitty?
This! In spades! ⬆️⬆️⬆️Grin
Hattie1970abc · 08/08/2021 18:17

Hi we are in a couples friendship group but one of the women lacks social skills. She brings her teenage daughters along when we go out for a meal. I think she uses them as a social prop. On the rare occasion they don’t come she seems much more uncomfortable. One of the daughters likes to be the centre of attention and mum seems to bask in this. Very annoying. For you hopefully these teenagers will want to be more independent and spend time with their own friends.

Blackcat333 · 08/08/2021 18:27

Omg, tell them that hat you are having a bottomless brunch and intend on getting pissed. Say you really need to talk about important things that aren't for her kids ears. Intice these women with titbit of juicy gossip, they will soon leave the brats at home. Get there earlier so you can have a couple of glasses nd when they arrive child free... Just forget your 'drama', telling them that it's not the right time to share, maybe next time and who is up for another bottle. They sound hideously boring... If I was you I'd find normal people who hate their kids.

Foramen · 08/08/2021 18:27

Entirely depends on the behaviour of the teens. I've three or four friends whose children were an absolute pleasure to have around when in their teens. One of my great-nephews, by contrast, was a moody, rude little ess aitch one tea!

Bleachmycloths · 08/08/2021 18:29

If you leave things as they are, it means your friends with teens always get their own way and you never get yours. Unfair.
We all need to learn that absolutely NO ONE likes your children as much as you do 😊
Could you text the whole group saying ‘ Can we have a child free get together next time?’ be prepared to face the music but you can’t keep allowing them to have their own way.

ooowhataday · 08/08/2021 18:36

I think the problem is those that take the kids along are just so self involved and frankly, selfish, it doesn't even enter their heads that other adults wouldn't want to meet up with their kids. I'm quite shocked how many on here have said they would take their teens with them.

Backwaterjunction · 08/08/2021 19:13

Why don’t you go out at nice on the piss, job done

carefreecameras · 08/08/2021 19:48

Just tell them. Life's too short.

stayathomer · 08/08/2021 19:49

Theyve only a few years left of their kids and they're probably feeling it. My eldest is 13 and I've no doubt I'll feel the same. You've different priorities, my kids are an extension of me, some people are the same, others aren't.

stayathomer · 08/08/2021 19:54

we are in a couples friendship group but one of the women lacks social skills. She brings her teenage daughters along when we go out for a meal. I think she uses them as a social prop. On the rare occasion they don’t come she seems much more uncomfortable. One of the daughters likes to be the centre of attention and mum seems to bask in this. Very annoying.
Why do you meet up with her if you feel this way? I love when people say someone lacks social skills as they are bitching about themHmm

LittleMissPlant · 08/08/2021 20:20

@ooowhataday I think you’ll find that “self involved” parents don’t think about their kids…they think with attitudes like yours.
Don’t knock parents because they actually like spending time with their children. 🤣

My friends kids are awesome - teenagers included.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 08/08/2021 20:52

All these posters saying they enjoy taking their kids and enjoy seeing their friends kids are spectacularly missing the point or really do lead extremely sheltered lives where normal adult conversations would make them feel uncomfortable.

When I'm with friends we talk about everything, sex positions, periods, women's health, relationship issues, in law problems etc etc etc ..... Is this just me or are my friends and I weird? There is no way these adult conversations could happen with a teen,tween or toddler there. Its just not the same.

Being a parent does not define me as a person, I am still me, I still want mates who share the same interests. Bringing a child along to an adult meet up is on par with a mum making her elder child take the younger child our with their mates to tag along, its miserable for all involved apart from the oblivious mum.

MidsummerMimi · 08/08/2021 20:54

How old are the teenagers?
If they are 16+, I am surprised that they are tagging along with their Mums.
Is there some reason, that the Mums don’t want to leave them at home, such as very remote location, previous burglary, can’t be trusted?

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2021 20:54

@Foramen

Entirely depends on the behaviour of the teens. I've three or four friends whose children were an absolute pleasure to have around when in their teens. One of my great-nephews, by contrast, was a moody, rude little ess aitch one tea!
Did you mean ‘shit’?
Nanny0gg · 08/08/2021 20:56

[quote LittleMissPlant]@ooowhataday I think you’ll find that “self involved” parents don’t think about their kids…they think with attitudes like yours.
Don’t knock parents because they actually like spending time with their children. 🤣

My friends kids are awesome - teenagers included.[/quote]
And your conversations are always suitable?

We always talk about personal stuff at some point. Don’t want children involved then!

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/08/2021 20:57

“ I too have teenagers and they’ve been invited but don’t want to come”

Invited by whom?