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Original poster

How to deal with friends who want to bring their teenage children along to everything?

130 replies

JustMeAndWheatley · 07/08/2021 17:48

I’m struggling with a friendship situation and don’t know how best to handle it without causing offence.

I have two friends that I got to know well through an exercise class that we did several times a week before Covid. There were others at the class who came and went but the three of us were the constants in the class over several years, and got on well. Last year, once restrictions eased, we met for walks or coffees maybe once every week or two and it was nice.

Recently we’ve arranged to meet for walks, pub lunches etc, and they bring their teenage children along. I too have teenagers and they’ve been invited but don’t want to come. The teenagers are nice enough but really dominate conversation and are actually quite annoying for any length of time. It has changed the dynamic totally and we don’t get to have the same ‘adult’ conversations that we used to have.

I’ve tried making excuses for not going when they meet up but they won’t take no for an answer. Instead of saying, shall we do X on Wednesday, it will be ‘which days and times are you free?’ so it’s harder to make excuses. They give me a hard time for not bringing my children too.

OP posts:
Iknowtheanswer · 07/08/2021 20:11

If the children all get on, and it's a family thing, then of course it's fine. We do that with friends all the time.

It's when it's adults, plus one set of teens, then it's an issue. My friend's dcs will literally interrupt and ignore me when they are there.

Kite22 · 07/08/2021 20:14

But that's completely different Badgersdrift - your dc have grown up together and are friends in their own right. That is completely different from a 15 yr old gate crashing a walk / lunch between to adults who have becomes friends at an activity over the last few year.

Garfunkle · 07/08/2021 20:27

I hate it when friends bring someone along to planned meet ups. Having one extra person completely alters the group dynamic.

When I was a young mum and group meet ups, without the kids, were planned there would always (well not always) be one who brought her screaming toddler(s).

When I was an older mum someone would drag their teenager along.

Now I’m of the age where I or my friends have no children/teenagers to spoil our meet ups we have one person, in the group, who, for the last three meet ups has brought her elderly parents along!

Why can’t people just turn up, on their own, as planned?

blahblahblah321 · 07/08/2021 20:28

Ugh reminds me of seeing my SIL - we've just got to the point that the youngest children can be left so we can have adult only pub trips, now DN wants to join us! SIL thinks it's lovely Confused, DN is lovely! However we've been waiting years to finally be able to do adult only stuff and still we have a teen coming along... HmmGrin

MushMonster · 07/08/2021 20:32

You need to tell them straight that you want some teenager free time.
Me, personally, my children are my life, so I take them with me at least they are already somewhere else.
Actually, now that they are close to be young adults is when they are turning into interesting beings. But I get that is for me, not for everyone. I think we need to be honest about what we want in life. Otherwise, we shall not get it!

Badgersdrift · 07/08/2021 20:37

@Kite22

But that's completely different Badgersdrift - your dc have grown up together and are friends in their own right. That is completely different from a 15 yr old gate crashing a walk / lunch between to adults who have becomes friends at an activity over the last few year.
It's a bit different, but not completely different! The adult friends have known one another for several years at this point. If the op could persuade her teens to be present for some meet ups (a tough ask I know) they might become friends with the friends' teens and they could go off together maybe? Its worth a go anyway. And better IMHO than saying you want "adult time" which, however kindly you put it, the friends are bound to interpret as a slight against their DC. Also, I personally wouldn't feel right excluding any of my friend's family from my home. But each to their own!
TheBestCandidateByFar · 07/08/2021 20:44

Just reply. Oh god no, leave him sleeping. Let's have some adult time.

PinkTonic · 07/08/2021 20:48

It's a bit different, but not completely different! The adult friends have known one another for several years at this point. If the op could persuade her teens to be present for some meet ups (a tough ask I know) they might become friends with the friends' teens

It is completely different, these aren’t family friends and why on earth should the OP persuade her children to be present during time she’d clearly like for herself? It’s not weird to want kid free time, quite the contrary.

BorderlineHappy · 07/08/2021 20:51

@Badgersdrift you bring your kids who then go off with the other kids.
They're not hanging around interrupting you.

Badgersdrift · 07/08/2021 20:52

@PinkTonic

It's a bit different, but not completely different! The adult friends have known one another for several years at this point. If the op could persuade her teens to be present for some meet ups (a tough ask I know) they might become friends with the friends' teens

It is completely different, these aren’t family friends and why on earth should the OP persuade her children to be present during time she’d clearly like for herself? It’s not weird to want kid free time, quite the contrary.

Oh, whatever! Just trying to be helpful... IMHO, teens are usually quite open to meeting one another, thought it might be a workable solution.
Crimeismymiddlename · 07/08/2021 20:53

Your friends are strange. I bet before children they were the ones inviting their partner in girls nights.

Ladyrattles · 07/08/2021 20:58

Maybe when they are arranging the next meet up with you, you say why don't we arrange an extra meet up "children free" so you are not offending them. And if you all have a great time that might encourage them to leave teens behind.

amicissimma · 07/08/2021 21:15

I think I'd just say breezily 'Oh, if you can't leave X on Monday, let's leave it till a time when it will be just the adults. Could you get away on Tuesday, perhaps?'

AllTheSingleLadiess · 07/08/2021 21:56

How strange... My teens would never want to come out with me and my friend. I'd tell your friend to let her son sleep

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/08/2021 22:04

Oh, whatever! Just trying to be helpful... IMHO, teens are usually quite open to meeting one another, thought it might be a workable solution.

I dont know ANY teens who want to spend time with other teens they don't know, infact the opposite! They have their own friends and interests.

I have many teens in my house and none of them would be up for this

Branleuse · 07/08/2021 22:04

I dont think its that weird that a teen would want to go out with a parent, but i do think its weird if the parent doesnt realise that their friends want to see them on their own sonetimes

Badgersdrift · 07/08/2021 22:21

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Oh, whatever! Just trying to be helpful... IMHO, teens are usually quite open to meeting one another, thought it might be a workable solution.

I dont know ANY teens who want to spend time with other teens they don't know, infact the opposite! They have their own friends and interests.

I have many teens in my house and none of them would be up for this

I have teens and am around lots of teens too. In my direct experience, teens usually say they detest the idea of meeting up with other teens they don't know, but in reality are usually OK with it, however much they may protest about it. After all, the while point of teendom in one sense is to meet up with as many different people as possible. But as I said, I live in a different country to the UK where most social meet ups are inter-generational anyway.
VenusTiger · 07/08/2021 22:38

I'd be a little concerned that your friends are sharing your past convos with the whole family over the dinner table - as they clearly don't see an issue with them tagging along now.
I find it very weird and actually quite intrusive tbh.

HollowTalk · 07/08/2021 22:42

I find it weird and intrusive, too. Can you imagine how the teens would feel if their mum tagged along? Well that's how I feel if the teens tag along.

Obviously there are times when they're welcome, but not in a regular meeting with my friends.

Original poster
JustMeAndWheatley · 07/08/2021 22:43

Thanks all. This has been really helpful.

I will see her on Monday but, when she mentions meeting up again, I’ll say something about it just being adults.

To answer an earlier question, we all have children who are 15 years old (and I have a 13 year too). My son is at school with one of them but doesn’t really know him or have any classes with him. The other is a girl who goes to a different school.

It may be that the friendship has just run its course.

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 07/08/2021 22:46

@Badgersdrift the OP hasn't mentioned her home though - she's talking about meeting for a coffee or walk.

When I was a teen my family (I have brothers) would meet with other families every so often for a meal, but we all knew eachother, it wasn't the moms wanting to meet or the dads wanting to meet, it was the whole family - totally different.

@JustMeAndWheatley imagine inviting yourself to your teens' meet ups with their friends Grin - you just wouldn't would you. Ask your friend if she goes out with her son when he meets his mates Wink

Thepathofleastresistance · 07/08/2021 22:46

What do you do if your child (9) is in same year as friends child. And throughout hols she has suggested daytime meeting but obviously I have child in my care! I obviously suggest getting children together as well but every excuse has been made not to... I find it strange and hurtful. She knows how difficult it is having a SEN child and how tricky I have found the last year. And we have not exactly been overrun with invites this last month. So I've just left it. I'm not sure what she expects me to do. She had offered to come along and for me to bring my child but that would just be awkward for all. I find the rejection really hard on their behalf when this child was historically a friend and I can't square this behaviour... I'm not averse to doing things separately but it's not like I have a nanny on standby at the drop
Of a hat!

MsTSwift · 07/08/2021 23:02

Badgers drift you are talking about a completely different scenario. Long-standing family friends where the teens know each other anyway and men there too.

Op this is weird as hell I know a lot of women and not one would bring her teenage kids to a woman only meet up unless agreed in advance that it’s a family type meet up. Just odd. Also even my 12 year old let alone my 15 year old would rather fly to the moon than tag along to a mums coffee or wine meet up. Both of mine have their own plans with their own pals.

Cherrysoup · 07/08/2021 23:03

Could you organise a meet up "anyone fancy a coffee Saturday morning, dying to have a teen free couple of hours?"

I think I'd just say breezily 'Oh, if you can't leave X on Monday, let's leave it till a time when it will be just the adults. Could you get away on Tuesday, perhaps?'

Love these. I asked the same thing on here years back. The replies mostly advised that I ask them to leave the dc at home, but it was always dinner, so at their house, obviously they were feeding the kids and coming to us, they always fetched them with. It was so frustrating, particularly as I taught one of them!

MsTSwift · 07/08/2021 23:13

You can’t have a proper chat with someone else’s gawking teen there. Just so weird that they want to bring them and that they want to come! Sorry but I couldn’t be bothered with them. I love hanging out with my own and even others teens but not all the time.