How to deal with friends who want to bring their teenage children along to everything?

[JustMeAndWheatley]

I’m struggling with a friendship situation and don’t know how best to handle it without causing offence.

I have two friends that I got to know well through an exercise class that we did several times a week before Covid. There were others at the class who came and went but the three of us were the constants in the class over several years, and got on well. Last year, once restrictions eased, we met for walks or coffees maybe once every week or two and it was nice.

Recently we’ve arranged to meet for walks, pub lunches etc, and they bring their teenage children along. I too have teenagers and they’ve been invited but don’t want to come. The teenagers are nice enough but really dominate conversation and are actually quite annoying for any length of time. It has changed the dynamic totally and we don’t get to have the same ‘adult’ conversations that we used to have.

I’ve tried making excuses for not going when they meet up but they won’t take no for an answer. Instead of saying, shall we do X on Wednesday, it will be ‘which days and times are you free?’ so it’s harder to make excuses. They give me a hard time for not bringing my children too.

I have teens. A couple of my friends have teens. Sometimes we meet with kids, sometimes without, sometimes it’s meet in one coffee shop but get two separate tables. It just requires conversation.

@Branleuse

reply "would you mind if its just us this time. Id love some adult time, and im not bringing my kids"

This is definitely the best way to go about it. If they say no, just then say you will leave it until it can be an adults only get together. If that's not clear enough I should think they are too weird and not worth continuing being friends.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

Bitty?

🤣🤣🤣

@LittleMissPlant if all of your chats with your friends are suitable to be shared with their teenage kids then I can only assume your friendships aren't that close.

Meet in a shopping centre, the teens will hang about for a few minutes but want to shop and miss the adult conversation. It’s always worked for my group

@Nanny0gg @ooowhataday

Why would the kids listening to our more adult conversations?…they’ve either got a table to themselves or we’ve chatted about those things at different time.

What a sheltered small world you must live in 🙄

Ok @LittleMissPlant we get it, your the one who takes their kids because the kids are an extension of you. But actually they're not. And as the op and the majority of people on here have pointed out, bringing the kids, whatever the kids age, changes the dynamics. MOST people want to meet with their friend , not friend and kid. But you just keep deluding yourself that having the teenage kid tag along doesn't make a difference.

@LittleMissPlant and if you'd actually read the OP you would have noted the bit where the op states the teenager dominates the conversation and changes the dynamics, so is therefore clearly not off on their own table or away from the adults. They're clearly another overindulged child who, because of having this exact type of parent, thinks the world revolves around them.

@JustMeAndWheatley

Evening meet up in a bar isn’t an option, unfortunately. We all live rurally and in different places, so we couldn’t drink. There are no taxis here. And one of them gets up at 4:30 am for work.

Starting to think I should just be blunt. If I lose their friendship maybe it’s not such a loss, because I’m not enjoying my time with them at the moment? Still feels a bit sad though.

It annoys me that they make me feel inadequate for having children who don’t want to tag along with me.

Good. IT SHOULD ANNOY YOU. You are not inadequate in any way - neither are your kids. Your friends are weird and so are their kids. My cousin was like my sister. My aunt was my mum’s actual sister. We’d occasionally go out for lunch and maybe browse the shops a bit, but never once in my entire life did my mother even suggest I go along to a lunch with her and her friends. You’re not risking a thing by being up front with these women and telling them how you feel - and the sooner you do, the better you’ll feel. Right?

Reasons why I very occasionally bring my teen along when meeting friends:
Her own friends are away on holidays
She’s mooching in her room and hasn’t had fresh air in 48 hours
She hates her dad
I’m worried about leaving her on her own when she’s feeling down
She’s anxious and introverted and having a bad day
My friends are my friends and know that if I’m bringing her along it’s because I feel it’s the best decision on the day
My friends know I will try my hardest to suggest child-free alternatives when I can

Just saying, teens are tricky and if they are going through a difficult patch, including them in stuff can help. Not applicable in all situations but this has been my necessity lately.

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Your friends are bloody weird!! Maybe suggest an evening meet up in a bar? An over 18 place.

Invite them to a strip club!

No. Invite them to something extremely boring that their kids would hate. Any ideas, anyone?

@stayathomer your kids are not an extension of you, they are individuals and when they get to mid teens you need to let them start being more independent. Amongst our group of friends we have different sorts of meet ups, sometimes the teens are involved and sometimes not. Even if the teens are invited, they tend to do their own thing together. But they have grown up together within our friendship group. I wouldn’t drag DS(16) to a lunch for a group of my friends that he didn’t know

I still cannot imagine any scenario where either of my dds 12 and 15 would come with me as the only teen to an all female friends meet up. They would be utterly mortified.

[quote LittleMissPlant]**@Nanny0gg* @ooowhataday*

Why would the kids listening to our more adult conversations?…they’ve either got a table to themselves or we’ve chatted about those things at different time.

What a sheltered small world you must live in 🙄[/quote]
How very very rude.

I'm sorry you can't manage a separate social life from your children. How stifling.

My understanding was The scenario described is small single sex meet up so presumably teen would need to sit at the table with the adults.

Big jolly family meet ups with men and teens who know each other anyway is an entirely different thing. Then teens can go off together which often works well.

@Badgersdrift

We must be very odd and so must our teens (according to this thread anyway). Our best friends have always brought their DC to us and vice versa. And we've just continued that now they are teens. We tend to eat together and then the teens go off together, they don't linger at the table. It works well and all teens are polite and well adjusted, have their own social lives etc. We don't live in the UK though, so maybe the culture is different here.

This is a completely different scenario. It’s quite normal to have your best friends over with their DC for dinner. It’s pretty weird for those teens to want to tag along when their mum goes for a walk with her friend!

@DreamTheMoors

Thank you. That’s exactly what I needed to hear.

Meeting one (and possibly her son) this morning and I’m going to just say what I feel. The subject will come up because the other two have already decided that they’d like a parent+teen meet up in the next week or two.

I have plenty of other (normal!) friends where I live who wouldn’t dream of doing this and who are much easier to be with. I still feel a bit sad about what is potentially the end of this friendship now, and didn’t sleep much last night worrying about it (even though that seems a bit ridiculous in the cold light of day).

It’s not you op bringing your teenage son on a one on one walk with one other female new ish friend is very odd and inappropriate. I don’t know one normal woman that would do that. Do their children not have their own friends?

Could you suggest doing something that a. teenagers wouldn't enjoy and/or b. that would cost money to do with them? A local stately home, a garden, a museum?

I think you should have replied straight away, oh I was hoping it could be a child free meet this time, I value my occasional free time breaks. If she knows you do not bring your children (which is completely normal for 15 year olds, it’s quite rude if her to suggest bringing hers to tag along, it should be her feeling bad and not sleeping, not you. I would txt her before the walk.

Good luck

Just txt to say, hi I’d really prefer for just the 2 of us to meet today, would that be ok? See what she says, if she insists on bringing teen I would drop out, there is no way .I would be leaving my teens at home to spend time with someone else’s.

this is easy isn’t it, just organise dawn walks eg 6am?

Yes, just text back saying you were hoping for some child-free time and see what she says?

@Snoopsnoggysnog if you read the thread you will see at least three different posters have already told me that thanks!

Fwiw, this situation would genuinely not bother me. If I had a friend who brought a teen to our meet ups, then I would assume she had a good reason for doing so that she didn't necessarily want to share with me. And if I valued her company, I would put up with it knowing that the situation would be likely to change in a few months time. And if it didn't, and it started to bother me, then I would be at liberty to decline invitations but I wouldn't try and dictate terms.

I've just told my 15yo I am going for a walk with my mate and he's coming too, He asked me what he has done wrong and why is he being punished