DP just threw a cup at DD

[MotherOfDemons]

I'll try to keep it short as I it just happened.

Kids got dropped off by their dad earlier. All has appeared to be fine, DP in a good mood as we all were. He went off to cook his dinner (kids eaten and I didn't want anything). DS and DD(6 and on the spectrum/ADHD) asked if they could have a fizzy drink and I said yes, go ask DP for cups as he is in the kitchen. They asked nicely but DP brought out two squashes. (To note, they only have one glass of fizzy a day as agreed with my ExH so hadn't been drinking fizzy all day every day).

That's fine, said to the kids to drink at least half of them then tip them away. DS drinks all of his and I manage to actually convince DD to drink 3/4 of hers which is an achievement in itself. I then ask her to tip what's left away and I will pour her a fizzy drink.

DP stopped her in the kitchen and asked why there was some left. I called through and said I had said they can drink half and tip the rest out. He kept questioning her so I said, again that I had said it was ok. He swore, snatched the cup from her, tipped it in the sink and threw it at her. Obviously she was terrified and burst into tears.

Was in a it of disbelief and asked him if he really just threw a cup at my daughter. He yelled at me that it wasn't AT her, it was NEAR her. I just walked away to go and console her.

He doesn't have form for this at all. He has rarely even yelled, never mind anything else, even when he is stressed. He has now stormed off out and I have zero clue where he is. I'm in complete shock. I was in an abusive relationship before this and it has triggered a panic attack and I can't calm down.

Need some perspective and to know whether or not I am overreacting by being absolutely livid with him.

OP, you are brilliant. You are doing absolutely the right thing.

I didn't want to sound like a tit, and I hope I didn't. I just know that my DC were on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour, and they are still not ok now, six years after I left him 😕 But you owe this man nothing. He's not their father - he's a horrible man who thinks he can throw his weight around and aim his anger at a child whose only "crime" is to want a fizzy drink.

for you, as well as a medal.

@Breastfeedingworries

Just had to say why wasn’t it water? Fizzy drink every day isn’t great at all!

He needs to move out.

don't be a dickhead

@Galassia

The concerns I have in taking him back are -

1. If that’s how he behaves when you are there, what could he do when you aren’t there.

1. Your daughter now has it in her mind that the scary man who’s come to live in your house is more important than her. This could lead to her keeping quiet in future out of fear that you are just going to side with him.

1. That the children may copy his behaviour and lash out at each other or at school.

1. That the children will grow up with a warped idea of what a relationship is about and may seek to follow in your footsteps and have abusive partners.

1. That he will apologise and say it wing happen again but the resentment will summer away until it explodes and then it may not be a cup of juice, it could be a fist .....

This

I don’t think you are over-reacting. I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. It must be awful for you, but it sounds like you know in your heart that a good man wouldn’t lose it like that with a child.

@Peanutsandchilli

You are totally wrong. The OP is their parent. He is not. She made a decision. He overruled her. He undermined her. She did not undermine him; he went against a decision she made for her own kids and when he didnt get his way, he turned to violence.

I find it staggering that a mother can make a decision for her child, then an unrelated man decides something different and you say that SHE undermined him because she didnt agree? Wtf is wrong with you?

You're just an apologist for shitty men, someone who thinks men can do no wrong and women must bend over and do as they say. Just stay off this thread, your advice is not wanted.

I haven't read everything but just want you to know that my kids are safe at their dads (who is being super supportive of me too! Someone said upthread he sounds like an amazing dad and he is one in a million to drop everything and come for them!).

Stbex came back and is on the sofa. He has made zero attempt to interact with me whatsoever so as of tomorrow I will be asking him to leave temporarily and then make arrangements to move out.

I can't trust him when I am present to not hurt or scare my children so there is no way I can trust him when I am at work.

Honestly thought I had endured everything I had to endure in my life with my past and abusive Ex. Swore I would never, ever put the kids in a position where they couldn't feel safe again and I'm not going to.

Lots of people said I need to show my daughter I have her back and will always put her and her brother before any boyfriend and that is exactly what I intend to do.

As for the baby I will have to make a decision. I don't want to be tied to someone like this.

Thank you so, so, so much everyone for keeping me going through tonight. I am going to attempt to get some sleep but am crying on and off. Might need you all again tomorrow when I have to deal with this head in but I am fully prepared for excuses, love bombing etc.

Thank God this happened now before the baby is born. Think about how he's more likely to be stressed after the baby is born and how he thinks he gets to override your decisions.

My ex first started like this after our baby was born. He'd been fine before and it was a shock when he would be unable to control his temper around a baby.

How he reacted immediately afterwards should have given me a clue.

He has made zero attempt to interact with me whatsoever

He truly has shown his true colours hasn’t he.
OP you are amazing. I wish everyone had half your strength.

So I think given that:

1. This came out of nowhere,
2. Was when you are 12 weeks pregnant with his child
3. He has made absolutely no attempt to apologise or explain his behaviour.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. If he made some attempt to rectify what happened then there could have been some discussion.

Sorry it's a really shitty thing to go through.

Wow you are strong OP. Sleep well I hope.
You need that strength tomorrow.

You're not over-reacting. I can't imagine losing my temper and throwing a cup at a child because they were tipping away a penny worth of squash. It's really sad that some women think this is not a deal-breaker and somehow normal.

On the scale of destruction the average kid causes this is so far at the mild end you could barely even see it.

I think this is the age-old case of a man thinking he's got his partner trapped now that she's pregnant and he can behave exactly how he feels. Watch out for the sobstory when he realizes you're serious.

He's an arsehole that needs to go, stay strong and kick the fucker out.

Be strong OP. Try to get some rest. Stay safe and keep us all posted on how things go tomorrow x

Good on you OP. You're being very brave. Sending big hugs and my thoughts are with you tonight xx

Big hugs.

Roughly half of all abuse starts when women are pregnant. Horrible, but true. At that point, there seems to be a confidence that she can't leave any more. So this isn't an unusual starting point, no.

You are doing all the right things and I am so, so sorry that you need to. What a brilliant mum you are, to show the kids they absolutely come first. But how horrible that you have to do this at all.

I'm so glad their dad is great, but please don't feel it's a great step for him to come and take them? They're his kids too, and his responsibility too.

I would also try to make sure you have someone with you when you tell your STBX that it's over. It doesn't sound as if he is likely to take it well, and unfortunately you know him less well than you thought you did.

Take care of yourself. I have so much admiration for how clear-headed you are being, and how determined to protect your kids. As you know, it gets harder and harder to leave, as your boundaries are more and more abused. Leaving when it starts, so you have the strength to is vital, absolutely.

to you.

You and the children's dad are being great parents tonight. I wish you well 💐

Can't believe some utter dickheads have used this to lecture about occasional fizzy drinks. WTAF!!! Anyway, well done OP and do whatever you feel is best re the pregnancy. Do you have to stay there tonight while he is on the sofa? I'm worried for you. Glad you've got a supportive father of dc (assume he wasn't abusive ex)?

Oh my goodness hope you’re ok too

I really hope you are safe tonight. Do you have someone to be there when you tell him to go ?

I dont get the requests of throwing half a drink away. And he still didn't manage to get it right. Giving out orders about fizzy drinks and squash and how much they are allowed to drink. Does life need to be so complicated. He was trying to grt himself something to eat. Couldnt you have dealt with the drinks yourself.

Well done MotherofDemons - you have made the right call but I am sure it wasn't easy.

Remember that a woman who has been abused in a previous relationship is more likely to go on to another abusive relationship. I’m not sure if you did Freedom the first time round but they do tell you that.

As others have said, abuse often begins when you’re pregnant (it did for me) but fortunately you are in the early stages and you need to think about your options. He will absolutely make you feel like you can’t leave him and he will try every trick in the book. All I can say is, DO NOT even request an explanation. What’s the point? He will talk his way out of it and gaslight you. Just do what you need to do now because OF COURSE you are not over reacting. Not even slightly.

I will likely not enter another relationship whilst my children are at home, well at least not move anybody in. I can’t trust my poor decisions even though I’m quite equipped with tools and spotting red flags but when every other arsehole out there seems to be abusive, it’s too much of a minefield for me to be confident I’m not going to put us all through hell again. That may be worth you thinking about too. Good luck x

Does life need to be so complicated. He was trying to grt himself something to eat. Couldnt you have dealt with the drinks yourself.

He stopped the child and asked her what she was doing with her drink. He could have minded his own business and not complicated things. He certainly had no reason to throw anything at her.

Well done. I hope you manage to get some rest tonight.