DP just threw a cup at DD

[MotherOfDemons]

I'll try to keep it short as I it just happened.

Kids got dropped off by their dad earlier. All has appeared to be fine, DP in a good mood as we all were. He went off to cook his dinner (kids eaten and I didn't want anything). DS and DD(6 and on the spectrum/ADHD) asked if they could have a fizzy drink and I said yes, go ask DP for cups as he is in the kitchen. They asked nicely but DP brought out two squashes. (To note, they only have one glass of fizzy a day as agreed with my ExH so hadn't been drinking fizzy all day every day).

That's fine, said to the kids to drink at least half of them then tip them away. DS drinks all of his and I manage to actually convince DD to drink 3/4 of hers which is an achievement in itself. I then ask her to tip what's left away and I will pour her a fizzy drink.

DP stopped her in the kitchen and asked why there was some left. I called through and said I had said they can drink half and tip the rest out. He kept questioning her so I said, again that I had said it was ok. He swore, snatched the cup from her, tipped it in the sink and threw it at her. Obviously she was terrified and burst into tears.

Was in a it of disbelief and asked him if he really just threw a cup at my daughter. He yelled at me that it wasn't AT her, it was NEAR her. I just walked away to go and console her.

He doesn't have form for this at all. He has rarely even yelled, never mind anything else, even when he is stressed. He has now stormed off out and I have zero clue where he is. I'm in complete shock. I was in an abusive relationship before this and it has triggered a panic attack and I can't calm down.

Need some perspective and to know whether or not I am overreacting by being absolutely livid with him.

@Peanutsandchilli throwing any object at a child is abuse whether it hit her or not. He was acting ina violent and abusive manner. If she let's this go wheres the line? What's she teaching her 6 year old? It's OK for adults to throw things at littke children because what? They didn't like that she didn't finish her juice? How ridiculous.

@Galassia

How about is reaction after what he did?

If you lost it and did something awful wouldn’t you want to diffuse the situation and try to make amends and apologise and reassure that it was your fault you lost control and behaved badly?

He didn’t, he slammed the door on his way out and has gone off in a huff.

Dreadful, petulant behaviour on top of his nasty outbursts and aggression.

What exactly is there to work on?

This

@wewereliars

Peanutsand chilli Far too many people stay in abusive relationships, because leaving is much much harder. I know because I did.

Every next step is a step down.

You REALLY do not know what you are talking about.

I know exactly what I'm talking about, thanks. I've been there.

No you’re not over reacting at all. There’s no such thing as over reacting when it comes to safety and well-being being of your babies.

That is abuse. Please get rid.

Not that it warranted discipline she did nothing wrong but if any discipline is to be done the parent does it and certainly not mums boyfriend and it’s definitely not done by throw a cup at a child that he’s probably 3 times the size of. I’m sure her dad would also hit the bloody roof if he found out.

A bloody fully grown man throwing a temper tantrum. !!!! My nephew does that when he can’t get his own way (throws things,) and stomps about he’s 3 years old.

You’re doing the right thing ended this op. I speak from experience when I say the regret at not walking away for the sake of your children is a horrible thing to live with. Sending you all the love and support in the world

"He doesn't have form for this at all."

If you're in the UK OP, we've been in lockdown on and off for the last 15 months of your 18 month relationship, and you only moved in together 4 months ago. You barely know him to judge his true character, which seems to be emerging now that you are pregnant.

This man needs to leave the house and not come back. Personally I'd not want to be connected to a man like this for the next 18 years either.

Well Peanuts you didn't learn from it judging by what you are posting. Thankfully the OP has.

Why would anyone be pissed off to throw away squash. Its literally 0.5p a glass. 50p /100.
I throw it away regularly if its too weak or strong or I fancy something else and Im quite poor. (Because of my wasteful squash ways I suppose!)

I'm glad you're taking steps to get rid of him and keep you and your DCs safe. Make sure you do it safely; perhaps have your ExH or a friend there when you make it clear it's over and he has to go.

Its an exercise in control. Simple as that.

Was your children’s dad abusive too ?
Or a different partner prior to this one?

He doesn’t have form for doing this at all.

He does have form though which he’s just demonstrated. The only thing is this is the first time. Abusers have got to start somewhere. There’s always a first but there’s never a last time. Please don’t wait for the next time.

Oh gosh what a mess. Sending you happy calm thoughts

This is horrible for you all, and well done you for not putting up with it.

The concerns I have in taking him back are -

1. If that’s how he behaves when you are there, what could he do when you aren’t there.

1. Your daughter now has it in her mind that the scary man who’s come to live in your house is more important than her. This could lead to her keeping quiet in future out of fear that you are just going to side with him.

1. That the children may copy his behaviour and lash out at each other or at school.

1. That the children will grow up with a warped idea of what a relationship is about and may seek to follow in your footsteps and have abusive partners.

1. That he will apologise and say it wing happen again but the resentment will summer away until it explodes and then it may not be a cup of juice, it could be a fist .....

@MrsMaizel

While it is VERY wrong I imagine he was pissed off that you told them to drink some of it then tip away and you would give fizzy ?

He was only supposed to give them cups, op was going go pour the fizzy so he didn't even need to make the squash.

I have thrown a glass of water at my child, it wasn’t my proudest moment and he was 16, not 6, still doesn’t make it right. But if a man I was living with did that I’d end it. I ended my relationship with my youngest children’s father because he fell out with my teenage son and his behaviour was unforgivable. It was over a decade ago and actually they get on now, but i couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who made my children feel afraid in their own home.

OP just be wary before jumping in and amending any tenancy arrangements because you will need a new affordability check with most if changing the terms which could mean you can’t afford it alone (hopefully you’d get some housing assistance which would be paid direct to you). Please keep yourself safe tonight, do you have a friend you could stay with?

Well done in setting an example to your children of what is not OK In a relationship. Thinking if you. You sound really strong and a good mum x

Well done, op. Abusive men often show their cards for the first time in pregnancy. Youve not been together very long. This is who he is and who he was yesterday was his act.

Stay strong.

Well done OP. And thank you for protecting your DC.

One of my earliest memories is my father throwing a cup at me (I wouldn’t drink my juice because it had a fly in). The violence escalated throughout my childhood. My parents had similar views to @Peanutsandchilli about people needing to work on their relationship, so nobody ever protected me.

I’m devastated for you and your DC that this has happened, but it always warms my heart to see parents prioritising their DC like you’re doing. Thank you!

I just wanted to add that your ExH sounds like a good dad given the way he came immediately when asked. I hope the kids are now fine and that you've got real-life support.

Adding to the chorus of Well Dones.

I might disappear for a while but please don't worry. I am going to call my Ex (who is absolutely amazing) and ask if he can come get the kids to make sure they are safe. Then I am locking the door and telling STBXP he can go to his brothers and return to get his things.

Not putting my kids through this with another person who thinks they can just fly off the handle and potentially hurt my child. No fucking way.

This actually made me cry.
So often on MN posters say things that’s happened but make excuses not to leave.
Thank you for putting your children first.

He has shown his true colours. The mask has slipped.
If he gets that mad over a 1/4 cup of squash I can only imagine what would happen if one of them accidentally broke something!

Why would anyone be pissed off to throw away squash.

It’s mad isn’t it!
I hate waste but I would NEVER throw a cup towards someone over it especially a child!

It sounds like he’s angry that OP over-rode his decision.
Thank God this happened now before the baby is born.

You're overreacting. He got annoyed (at you, for undermining him) and threw a cup. Granted, it wasn't the best reaction but if he's never done this sort of thing before then I don't think I'd immediately jump to leaving him like everyone else seems to think. Just talk to him. We've all snapped at kids, I'm sure.

Every now and then I wonder why women stay in such crap relationships and then I read something like this and I realise it is because people explicitly tell them it is ok not only to put up with abusive crap for themselves but also ok to put up with it for their children.

And no, I don't know anyone who has thrown a cup at a child - their own or anyone elses. I wonder who you mix with or how you behave yourself that your standards are so low.