DP just threw a cup at DD

[MotherOfDemons]

I'll try to keep it short as I it just happened.

Kids got dropped off by their dad earlier. All has appeared to be fine, DP in a good mood as we all were. He went off to cook his dinner (kids eaten and I didn't want anything). DS and DD(6 and on the spectrum/ADHD) asked if they could have a fizzy drink and I said yes, go ask DP for cups as he is in the kitchen. They asked nicely but DP brought out two squashes. (To note, they only have one glass of fizzy a day as agreed with my ExH so hadn't been drinking fizzy all day every day).

That's fine, said to the kids to drink at least half of them then tip them away. DS drinks all of his and I manage to actually convince DD to drink 3/4 of hers which is an achievement in itself. I then ask her to tip what's left away and I will pour her a fizzy drink.

DP stopped her in the kitchen and asked why there was some left. I called through and said I had said they can drink half and tip the rest out. He kept questioning her so I said, again that I had said it was ok. He swore, snatched the cup from her, tipped it in the sink and threw it at her. Obviously she was terrified and burst into tears.

Was in a it of disbelief and asked him if he really just threw a cup at my daughter. He yelled at me that it wasn't AT her, it was NEAR her. I just walked away to go and console her.

He doesn't have form for this at all. He has rarely even yelled, never mind anything else, even when he is stressed. He has now stormed off out and I have zero clue where he is. I'm in complete shock. I was in an abusive relationship before this and it has triggered a panic attack and I can't calm down.

Need some perspective and to know whether or not I am overreacting by being absolutely livid with him.

Stay strong and don't lose focus.

50shades nothing is wrong about what girlmom21 posted.

You on the other hand where to even start!?

Throwing things is DV. It's the coward's way. 'Oh I threw it NEAR her, not AT her.' Yes, I've heard that. You moved, and got in the way. All your fault.

FH he could have damaged your daughter's eye, broken her nose or a tooth.

I mean, a paper cup, in complete exasperation, okay, but was this a hard cup?

*The OP hasn't put her children through anything. They have a loving supportive dad that the OP has a good co-parenting relationship with. She seen a single first act of behaviour that signalled to her that her partner isn't a good man. Despite having 2 kids & being pregnant she has acted swiftly & decisively to put her kids first.
She is a tremendous mother & you and the others pontificating need to get in the bin where you belong.

OP so proud of you*

Came on to say exactly this.

You should be so proud of yourself, OP.

I hope you're safe wherever you are this morning.

"I'm curious as to why you broke up"

Yeah because the only reason relationships end is due to abuse and violence. Literally no other reason. What are you on about?

I hope my earlier comment didn’t come across as blaming the OP for her partner’s abusive behaviour. I honestly didn’t mean that, OP. I think it’s really important and a good thing that his cup throwing has made you sit up and say ‘this isn’t right!’.

My point was more about abusive men and their ability to home in on women (often with young children) who have been in abusive relationships previously and may still be healing from that and working out their boundaries, so may be particularly vulnerable.

I'm in awe of you OP. My mum always overlooked my abusive stepdads behaviour towards me and I've got a lot of issues from it. If she'd have shown him the door even after the 5th or 6th time I would have so much respect for her now. You have shown your daughter what she cannot put up with

I completely agree!

I read so many threads on here about a parent living with an abusive partner but they minimise it or say they can’t leave because of the DCs but they’re not putting the DCs first and staying in a relationship that has any kind of abuse even just mental abuse will damage them for life even if the abuse isn’t aimed at them.
I grew up in a DV home and it wasn’t the physical violence that was the worst it was the walking on egg shells scared to do or say anything wrong incase it made him angry and he’d take it out on your mum. Any child having to grow up with tension in the home or walking on egg shells is going to be damaged.
I wish more women would realise that.

I just dont get why OP split from a partner who was a great person and a wonderful father and then got pregnant by somebody who isn't going to live up to the previous partner. It makes no sense .

@Viviennemary

I just dont get why OP split from a partner who was a great person and a wonderful father and then got pregnant by somebody who isn't going to live up to the previous partner. It makes no sense .

There could be any number of reasons. Sounds like this partner did live up - until last night!

The women has two young children, moved in after knowing a man for 18 month through a pandemic and is pregnant by him. He has threw a cup at her child and she has sent her children back to their dads while her partner is back in the house sleeping on the sofa. She also stated she had a abusive relationship and the way it was worded the children were around then as well. So I’m not the one who has lost my mind maybe if she put her children with additional needs first before her own she wouldn’t be in this situation again

Do let us know that you're ok OP. This sort of conversation is never easy and I'm sure he's given a sob story to justify his behaviour. Please remember that nothing justifies throwing things at children and scaring them - this will also probably escalate if you let it go this first time. The only way is out.

@MotherOfDemons

I haven't read everything but just want you to know that my kids are safe at their dads (who is being super supportive of me too! Someone said upthread he sounds like an amazing dad and he is one in a million to drop everything and come for them!).

Stbex came back and is on the sofa. He has made zero attempt to interact with me whatsoever so as of tomorrow I will be asking him to leave temporarily and then make arrangements to move out.

I can't trust him when I am present to not hurt or scare my children so there is no way I can trust him when I am at work.

Honestly thought I had endured everything I had to endure in my life with my past and abusive Ex. Swore I would never, ever put the kids in a position where they couldn't feel safe again and I'm not going to.

Lots of people said I need to show my daughter I have her back and will always put her and her brother before any boyfriend and that is exactly what I intend to do.

As for the baby I will have to make a decision. I don't want to be tied to someone like this.

Thank you so, so, so much everyone for keeping me going through tonight. I am going to attempt to get some sleep but am crying on and off. Might need you all again tomorrow when I have to deal with this head in but I am fully prepared for excuses, love bombing etc.

I hope your safe. Please either contact the police or have a friend present when you tell him to leave.

Hope you are okay op?

Not even out of your first trimester and it's already started. Textbook abusive behaviour.

Op, I wouldn't want to be tied to this man in any way. You have to prioritise your 2 living children.

Sending you a big fat hug and lots of strength. You can do this.

How are things today OP?

@Aknifewith16blades

He needs to leave OP, no if, ands or buts. Completely, utterly unacceptable and you need to safe-guard your children.

Sadly not unusual for men to first become violent when their partner is pregnant.

Do not minimise this or give him a second chance. Keep your kids and yourself safe.

This is it, I think we as women even when the man isn't abusive, like to make excuses and cover for them! Women like to be the protectors. And then we do it even more so with the abusive ones it seems! I have been guilty of that with my ex partner who was abusive. You kind of think to yourself what are you waiting for, why do we give more chances 🤦‍♀️

I agree with @Viviennemary.. reading this thread and not in a rude way but don’t get why she left him if he is amazing? Or if he is the abusive partner why send the children there.

I think this thread feels off to so many people because we are all sounded to reading similar ones like this where the women always end up defending or complacent and not leaving the partner. For once the op has taken action and it's almost unbelievable that for once someone can do the right thing so easily.

But it really is that simple at the end of the day. And as op said she has been in this type of relationship before so she has most likely gone through the struggle of trying to leave and learnt from it. As for why she didnt stay with the other ex who knows? As many pps said people do break up for plenty of other reasons, considering this ex is the abusive partner she has been referring to, and its really no business business nor relevant to her current situation.

@Kitkat05

I agree with *@Viviennemary*.. reading this thread and not in a rude way but don’t get why she left him if he is amazing? Or if he is the abusive partner why send the children there.

Is it really that hard to comprehend that someone can be a good father but an incompatible partner? Perhaps they grew apart, had different interests, one had an affair, they ended up arguing all time. It doesn’t matter why she’s not with him. Being a good father but not being compatible as partners are not mutually exclusive.

I'm glad you have come to some good decisions, op. Keep it up! You are in the right. We can't take chances where children are concerned.

There are so many reasons for a relationship to not work, I don't get the confusion...maybe he ended it, they may have just fallen out of love etc..
I think plenty of separated parents manage to co parent effectively together. Some people don't work well as a couple but surely the ideal when there are children involved is to come to a place where you can support eachother as parents and maintain a good family relationship.

*used to not sounded to

@FlyingRabbitsAtNoon put it much more succinctly than me

[quote Opalfeet]**@JesusIsAnyNameFree* @Pallisers*

Yes to just say get an abortion -just that-it is unnecessary.

Have you had one, on the NHS it would be medically induced at this gestation and would involve giving birth. Then there's the obvious mental health effects. Have you experienced one? It warrants more than a four word sentence...get an abortion 🙄[/quote]
OP said she is 12 weeks pregnant. A termination isn't medically induced at that stage is it?