DP just threw a cup at DD

[MotherOfDemons]

I'll try to keep it short as I it just happened.

Kids got dropped off by their dad earlier. All has appeared to be fine, DP in a good mood as we all were. He went off to cook his dinner (kids eaten and I didn't want anything). DS and DD(6 and on the spectrum/ADHD) asked if they could have a fizzy drink and I said yes, go ask DP for cups as he is in the kitchen. They asked nicely but DP brought out two squashes. (To note, they only have one glass of fizzy a day as agreed with my ExH so hadn't been drinking fizzy all day every day).

That's fine, said to the kids to drink at least half of them then tip them away. DS drinks all of his and I manage to actually convince DD to drink 3/4 of hers which is an achievement in itself. I then ask her to tip what's left away and I will pour her a fizzy drink.

DP stopped her in the kitchen and asked why there was some left. I called through and said I had said they can drink half and tip the rest out. He kept questioning her so I said, again that I had said it was ok. He swore, snatched the cup from her, tipped it in the sink and threw it at her. Obviously she was terrified and burst into tears.

Was in a it of disbelief and asked him if he really just threw a cup at my daughter. He yelled at me that it wasn't AT her, it was NEAR her. I just walked away to go and console her.

He doesn't have form for this at all. He has rarely even yelled, never mind anything else, even when he is stressed. He has now stormed off out and I have zero clue where he is. I'm in complete shock. I was in an abusive relationship before this and it has triggered a panic attack and I can't calm down.

Need some perspective and to know whether or not I am overreacting by being absolutely livid with him.

Well done OP for making the right decision and making it quickly. Nothing is more important than your children’s safety. Important decisions to be made about your future. Good luck

Just wanted to jump on and say go you! You are really strong and you've got this!

Hope you got some sleep OP.

Stay strong.

This is where it starts .
Trust me it will get worse

The very fact he has made no attempt whatsoever to make this better even in the smallest way tells you all you need to know about your future op. There is nothing in the world he could to make this up to you and your dd, but the very fact he hasn't even tried says it all.

I am sorry he is not the man you thought he was. I am sorry you are now going to make a very tough decision with the pregnancy, I believe you are right not to be tied to such an awful man.

When the dust settles and he is out of your life, perhaps consider the next stage to concentrate on yourself and your children.

I would also recommend the freedom programme, and some space now to just focus on the children and getting your life together. You can enjoy life without a man as I did for ten years, the most peaceful decade of my life. Be happy, be free and choose to pour your energies in your children from now on. You sound switched on, and able to see through the fog now, keep going and be strong. When the doubts crawl back, go and hold your little girl and remind yourself of the deeper love and commitment that exists in your life in the shape of your children.

@50ShadesOfCatholic

Here's what I don't understand.

You have, by your own admission, been in an abusive relationship previously and swore you would never get into one again. Yet here you are. OK that happens.

But you have an exH, very near, very supportive, to call upon. Was he the abusive X? If not, I'm curious as to why you broke up.

Also, none of this adds up. Having worked extensively with women leaving abusive relationships, there is something distinctly "off" about this. Mostly the speed and clarity of your updates.

Relationships don't only end because of abuse. It's not any of your business why her and her exH separated.

She's not leaving an abusive relationship - she's leaving a relationship that she will not allow to escalate into an abusive relationship. That's probably why she's so clear and certain in what she wants to do.

She's seen this behaviour escalate previously and is stopping it before it gets to that point. If anything, this proves she's a survivor, surely.

I doubt your experiences more than I doubt OP's.

He isn't making contact because he is minimising what happened. He will blame you for being hormonal and overreacting. He is the real victim.

He will be betting that you won't want to end the relationship because you are pregnant.

It's good your ex knows what happened. It might be a good idea to get someone to come round when you are telling him to leave. Stay safe. x

@50ShadesOfCatholic

Here's what I don't understand.

You have, by your own admission, been in an abusive relationship previously and swore you would never get into one again. Yet here you are. OK that happens.

But you have an exH, very near, very supportive, to call upon. Was he the abusive X? If not, I'm curious as to why you broke up.

Also, none of this adds up. Having worked extensively with women leaving abusive relationships, there is something distinctly "off" about this. Mostly the speed and clarity of your updates.

If you have worked extensively with women leaving abusive relationships, then I’m amazed you would pick holes in someone’s account. Isn’t this what stops some women leaving? Even if OP can shrug off your undermining post, others reading this in dangerous situations may take it to heart. Have you not progressed beyond the idea of the ‘perfect victim’ yet?

Oh my goodness, so many people saying "why didn't you just...." or "why the drama over a drink" etc etc are basically saying "why aren't you always living on tenterhooks and trying to predict and head off these sorts of angry outbursts at all times".

I just wanted to let those people know that's not a normal or a healthy way to live. And if your first thought is how the woman should have behaved differently to try and predict and avoid her partner's unacceptable behaviour, then you are also almost certainly in an abusive relationship x

@50ShadesOfCatholic

Here's what I don't understand.

You have, by your own admission, been in an abusive relationship previously and swore you would never get into one again. Yet here you are. OK that happens.

But you have an exH, very near, very supportive, to call upon. Was he the abusive X? If not, I'm curious as to why you broke up.

Also, none of this adds up. Having worked extensively with women leaving abusive relationships, there is something distinctly "off" about this. Mostly the speed and clarity of your updates.

She said this was totally out of character and nothing even remotely similar has happened before. She's not in an abusive relationship, she's spotted the first warning sign and is getting out before it becomes one

It's absolutely none of your business why her and her ex split, maybe they just grew apart, maybe he slept with someone else - it's of no relevance

Instead of blaming women for making “poor choices” why don’t we place the blame firmly where it belongs, on the abusive man.

Great for you women who’ve never been “fooled” but these men often appear lovely at first. That’s why it’s so hard to believe when the first thing happens. That’s why you think ok maybe I’m overreacting and should give him another chance. Luckily the OP isn’t giving this man another chance. But this is how it starts, as many sensible and supportive pp’s have pointed out.

I do think the freedom programme would be helpful. What isn’t helpful is trying to imply the OP is at fault here. Lots of women say they wouldn’t introduce a new man into their DC’s lives. Think about that for a second. What kind of world are we living in that entering into a relationship is such a risky endeavour? It’s pretty sad.

What Sparklinglime said , with bells on.

"By your own admission" WTAF!?

A man behaves appallingly so all the woman's actions/ decisions past present and future are open to criticism.

NOW is not the time or place for reflecting on how op can avoid a harmful relationship again.

Now is the time for support and rallying around op so she finds the strength to leave the abuser, despite being pregnant and with two young children. It is not helpful to point out patterns or to question how she ended up here. That is work that she will have to do once she is in a place of safety. Only then can she reflect on how she could protect herself better going forward.

There is no place for picking apart her life story on here. We have no idea of op's upbringing, life experience or feelings. She trusted this man, she loved him and he has let her down very very badly, this will be shocking and difficult, so please can we support her.

I would step away from this thread op. As usual lots of toxic superiority that won't help you.

You've done the right thing. Stay strong.

By your own admission What the actual fuck? The OP isn't on trial!

OP clearly had the cop on to get out of that relationship. She is aware of all the signs and quite rightly wants out of this one. FFS!

OP I would consider your options re the pregnancy. You will be tied to him forever and crapping yourself every time he has the child one to one.

There are some complete and utter bellends on this thread -
Commenting on fizzy drinks and squash, victim
Blaming - absolutely pathetic and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Well done op and I hope you're ok, what a horrible shock

@JesusIsAnyNameFree @Pallisers

Yes to just say get an abortion -just that-it is unnecessary.

Have you had one, on the NHS it would be medically induced at this gestation and would involve giving birth. Then there's the obvious mental health effects. Have you experienced one? It warrants more than a four word sentence...get an abortion 🙄

Any man that becomes more abusive and controlling when their partner is pregnant or up to their neck in childcare is a total wanker. OP has more self respect than to want to stay with a total wanker and the fact that she has been there, done that and got the tee shirt, I think she should be applauded for taking a zero tolerance approach. The fact that he has shown no sign of apologising makes him the worlds biggest bellend. A thrown cup could have injured the child, given her a detached retina or whatever. In that moment he didn't give a shit and still doesn't. He probably won't apologise until the OP contacts the LL to terminate the tenancy and books herself in to terminate the pregnancy. He will likely explode and blame it all on the OP and say she is overreacting. Who is raising these total knob heads?

OP I have read the whole thread, and wanted to add my support, I think you are doing exactly the right thing, and hope you have friends and family around you to support you in whatever you decide to do next.

To the posters focussing on on the OPs past relationships, questioning her decisions, minimising the STBX’s behaviour, or suggesting that there is more to this than OP is letting on, shame on you.

It is a sad indictment of society today, that support for DV is now included in all pregnancies as a matter of course, but vigilance, support, believing in what women are saying, taking their lived experiences at face value is absolutely vital, because the penalty for taking the middle ground, doing nothing, minimising violent behaviour or assuming it was a one off, is all too often, too high.

I have never been a victim of DV, so cannot speak from experience, I cannot imagine what it’s like to live in fear, treading on eggshells, and my heart breaks for anyone having to deal with it

Hope you are alright op. Why are you waiting until the morning to kick him out and not last night? Are you scared of him as the police can help him be removed from the house. I take it the children’s dad isn’t the man who abused you as you said you won’t put your children through that again.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Do you think he might have engineered this whole scenario as he has changed his mind about the baby and relationship? And he wants out and has behaved so badly that you have no option but to end things.

I know it is not an easy decision, but if I were you I would end the pregnancy. The alternative is being connected and controlled by that c* for the next 18 years. You deserve better.

@50ShadesOfCatholic you sound like the only troll round here. It's a shame OP will have to come back to this accusing and victim blaming among the supportive comments.

@Hidehi4

Hope you are alright op. Why are you waiting until the morning to kick him out and not last night? Are you scared of him as the police can help him be removed from the house. I take it the children’s dad isn’t the man who abused you as you said you won’t put your children through that again.

Ffs. What is this supposed to mean?? Have hou lost your mind?

The OP hasn't put her children through anything. They have a loving supportive dad that the OP has a good co-parenting relationship with. She seen a single first act of behaviour that signalled to her that her partner isn't a good man. Despite having 2 kids & being pregnant she has acted swiftly & decisively to put her kids first.
She is a tremendous mother & you and the others pontificating need to get in the bin where you belong.

OP so proud of you