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Original poster

Am I a reckless parent?

146 replies

AnotherDay579 · 29/07/2021 15:01

My mum is appalled that DH and I are taking our 13 month old away on holiday to Spain- not because of Covid but because there will be a pool. She thinks it's reckless and that our dd is at risk of having an accident.

The villa we are staying in has a large garden and a pool to one side. She is crawling. Of course we, as her parents, are 100% invested in her safety. We would never ever leave her unattended. I know it only takes a second, but we just would be so careful. Our plan is to play on the grass with her, have picnics etc, and swim with her. She already has swimming lessons which she loves and we are keen to use the holiday to get her confident in the water. I don't believe we are complacent. We have already talked about making sure we keep her safe.

Do you think we are reckless parents to book this villa?

OP posts:

Mia85 · 29/07/2021 18:22

@Willwebebuyingnumber11

No. My DC all went abroad before 6 months. She will be fine.

That’s not really relevant to the question of being around an unfenced pool.

justaweeone · 29/07/2021 18:27

It's like anything that has a risk
You just need to assess it and manage it accordingly
It's no different than being at the side of a pool in a hotel
One thing we always did was take it in turns to be the 'watcher' so you knew that for that hour your were responsible
Enjoy your holiday

RandomMess · 29/07/2021 18:32

Take a pool alarm with you as well?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Behaviour & development Families Holidays

Sirzy · 29/07/2021 18:39

@justaweeone

It's like anything that has a risk You just need to assess it and manage it accordingly It's no different than being at the side of a pool in a hotel One thing we always did was take it in turns to be the 'watcher' so you knew that for that hour your were responsible Enjoy your holiday

I think it is, both in the amount of time likely to be close enough to the pool for it to be a worry and the fact that when your by a pool there tends to be other people around who would notice and shout if they saw a young child alone.

But I’m another who knows of a family who due to a split second time of both parents thinking the little one was with the other lost their daughter so that certainly impacts my personal risk assessment of such things

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/07/2021 18:47

I wouldn’t be able to relax with an unfenced pool and a crawling baby. I’d have booked one with a fence or no pool.

Paddling654 · 29/07/2021 18:52

I also know a family who lost their child in this way. The parent who was meant to be watching her was distracted for seconds and thought he was somewhere else. It takes seconds.

Parents should rule out properties with unfenced pools because while you might be fine, someone won't be and a blanket rule would keep everyone safe.

TwitchyLittleFerret · 29/07/2021 19:53

It sounds very stressful. Without the fence and having to constantly be on alert with how mobile they are. I have a similar aged child and I can fully imagine how exhausting it would be for a holiday. I don't think you're terrible parents though if that's what you're prepared to do.

NuffSaidSam · 29/07/2021 20:13

I can't believe the number of people who wouldn't be on high alert anyway! Surely you'd be watching them every second anyway?

Sirzy · 29/07/2021 20:36

@NuffSaidSam

I can't believe the number of people who wouldn't be on high alert anyway! Surely you'd be watching them every second anyway?

I think any parent who says they never get distracted even for a split second in lying to be honest. We are all only human at the end of the day.

Either way being on such high alert doesn’t sound like a fun way to holiday to me!

Rainallnight · 29/07/2021 20:39

I think it’s risky without a fence. Obviously you care about your DD’s safety, but you’re going to have to be so on the case about the pool. I think the idea of passing a physical object to the person in charge of watching her is brilliant. You do need a system like that.

Bunnycat101 · 29/07/2021 20:40

The issue is vigilance. With one child you’re probably ok as long as you are strict about keeping doors closed. The issue tends to be when there is a group of adults and someone thinks someone else is watching.

Original poster

AnotherDay579 · 29/07/2021 20:45

Thanks everyone. Just to add, I don't know if this makes a difference - but I feel like it does - the garden is massive with a large stretch of lawn. The pool is to one side at the end of the garden. So if we played with her on the lawn she'd have a good few meters to crawl to get to the pool. I know that we would still need to be especially vigilant but I feel like it's not like the pool is right outside the door or anything.

OP posts:

SohoOrigami · 29/07/2021 20:48

Tbh I wouldn't, because only one thing has to go wrong for the risk to materialise - ie if the adult looking after her in the garden gets distracted, or if a door is left open when you're in the house, there's no other protection in place. With risk I think a lot about the "Swiss cheese" model, where you reduce risk by setting things up so that if a mistake is made (a hole in the cheese) the whole cheese nonetheless stays intact - in the example of children and a pool you'd have a pool fence plus constant supervision plus a strict rule not to go near the pool without adults plus a pool cover/alarm etc - so that one error isn't catastrophic.

It'd probably be fine but I can see why your mum's worried about it

Megan2018 · 29/07/2021 20:52

There are almost zero villas with fenced pools in Spain-I know as we’ve looked! We found a few but not many at all. But in France they often fenced (I think they may have rules about it).
What we did do was pick villas where the pool wasn’t very close to the doors/terrace so you would have further to go to the pool. It’s a balance as you don’t want pool out of view but you also don’t want it as soon as you open the door. As it turned out our last 2 holidays with said villas were Covid cancelled so DD will be nearly 3 and I’ll be honest that scares me far more!

NuffSaidSam · 29/07/2021 20:55

'I think any parent who says they never get distracted even for a split second in lying to be honest. We are all only human at the end of the day.'

Of course, but babies don't actually drown in a split second do they? Not really. Unless the OP plans on playing with the child right on the very edge of the pool the child needs to get there and that will take more than a split second, it would take a period of poor supervision for that child to end up dead in the pool. No baby should be left unsupervised for that period of time in an unknown house, pool or not.

'Either way being on such high alert doesn’t sound like a fun way to holiday to me!'

No, it's not, but that's life with a 13 month old isn't it? Pool or not.

NuffSaidSam · 29/07/2021 20:58

'DD will be nearly 3 and I’ll be honest that scares me far more!'

Much, much more of a risk than a baby imo. It's that age that's the most scary re. pools.

Mia85 · 29/07/2021 23:11

Perhaps not in a split second but it can take less than a minute for a toddler to drown. One of the people in the house when my cousin's DD drownedwas a medic and they managed to get her breathing fairly quickly but by that time the brain damage was already too great for her to survive. It's really not something to be dismissive of. The split second lack of attention might not happen at the pool, in a way it's more of a problem if it happens in the house, the child gets out and the immediate response of the parent is to look in the house not outside. In that way several minutes can go by before the child is found even if the parents realise very quickly. Quite a number of people on the thread have said that they know very careful loving parents who've ended up losing children in this way. Certainly when the police talked to my cousin (that's routine in accidential deaths) they were absolutely clear that the family had been in no way neglectful and that they were just normal caring parents whose normal momentary lapse had had awful consequences.

As to age, a crawling 13 month old can very quickly become a walking one and the majority of children who drown are 1-4.

The OP does not sound complacent and she is right not to be. It is a serious risk, one that can be mitigated, but not completely avoided, by being careful but everyone in the house needs to be on board and take it seriously.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 29/07/2021 23:15

We've taken DDs on a holiday involving a pool most years since they were a few months old. Then are now 16 and 12 years old. It's pretty normal, yes it is a risk but one that most people manage well.

Paddling654 · 30/07/2021 13:31

Of course, but babies don't actually drown in a split second do they

They drown surprisingly fast.

Paddling654 · 30/07/2021 13:33

And let's face it, when people say a split second they often mean the time it takes to read and respond briefly to a text, which is considerably longer.

Planttrees · 30/07/2021 13:37

I was sat beside a pool with a friend when her young toddler fell in. We thought we were being vigilant but it really does only take a few seconds. Luckily the quick reaction of someone else poolside saved the child but it was quite shocking and it has terrified me ever since. You cannot be 100% sure you will be watching all the time so I wouldn't consider it unless the pool was adequately fenced.

Planttrees · 30/07/2021 13:38

I should also add that the fall was completely silent - there was no splash. The first we knew of it was when someone dived in to save the toddler - that did cause a splash.

TiredButDancing · 30/07/2021 13:45

I have quite a high tolerance for risk and I have to admit that no, I would not do this. In fact, we didn't hire a villa in spain once because we simply could not find anything nice that had a fenced pool.

I grew up in South Africa, where we could all swim practically from birth, and none of my friends ever had a pool that wasn't fenced when we were young. When DS was 2 years, visiting my parents who now had an unfenced pool, I came downstairs to see DS disappearing out the door towards the pool as my mum hadn't realised he was following her. I aged about 5 years and he didn't even get anywhere near it before I grabbed him.

It will be very hard to relax if you have to be constantly vigilant. You want to be able to let her crawl around and enjoy herself without you hovering constantly. On another trip at a childfree friend's house, watching DS like a hawk, he looked at me and took a flying leap into the pool - he could not swim. We were meters away so were able to get hm out super fast but it really made me realise how close you have to be all the time.

Having said all that - someone told me (i haven't looked into it) that you can buy/rent portable fencing that you can put up yourself in these situations. Might be worth looking into.

illuyankas · 30/07/2021 13:55

Personally I think it's worse for such a small child, who are still sensitive to pressure, have to travel on the aircraft.

ChunkySloth · 30/07/2021 14:01

@AnotherDay579

My mum has really scared the crap out of me and thinks we should cancel our holiday. I'm second guessing myself now. I've read the ROSPA pool safety advice and I know the statistics. I know we won't be able to take our eyes off her, but we never do.

I thought I read the other day that rentals have to have fencing around the pool, but a 2yr old died in the pool a few weeks ago where I am. Just don't leave her unattended outside or when doors are open etc. As long as you are careful and keep eyes on her at all times, and always handover, never assume the other is watching her, it should be fine

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