Help, HMRC are going to put out a warrant for me!

[toolazytothinkofausername]

I've just had a phone call from HMRC telling me there has been tax fraud on my account, and I either press 1 to speak to them or if I hang up a warrant will be issued

So... I have about 5 minutes to pack a suitcase and run away! What do I pack?

Seriously, I am aware it was a scam

The phone number was: +44 1223 512843

On my iPhone it said it was from Cambridge.

Don’t out the number up unless you know it’s a scam!!!

Some rotten f+ a rat* is using my ‘number’ (it’s not, obviously but looks that way to the recipient) to make at least a million scam calls a day. So I get a million calls ‘oh I had a missed call from you’ a day it’s driving me demented.

My phone company helpfully suggested that I get a new number...

I hope there’s a special corner in hell for these people where they are tormented for eternity by constant cold calls...

I've been in a car accident and have a package at Royal Mail apparently ... last week I was owed tax money. Hate scammers

Normally I would recommend a midnight flit to Rio by the sea O, but Covid has closed that escape route @toolazytothinkofausername.

Pack a note of your PayPal password . I know that is where you have your cash .

There's only one thing for it OP - you are going to have to do a Reggie Perrin-style pile of clothes on the beach, aren't you?

Don't bother with a canoe though, they've rumbled that one.

I’m on the lam too. Got a message in my trash inbox explaining they know all about my porn habit. Unless I send a zillion in Bitcoin they will notify my neighbours and employer of my nasty obsession. I am not employed and my neighbours do not speak English but why take chances?

Meet me at the train station. High noon. I will be wearing a purple fez and carrying a large black cat.

@MummyInTheNecropolis

OP, you’re in luck! I’ve just won an African lottery that I didn’t even know I’d entered, all I have to do is send them a small payment of a few thousand and within days I will receive millions into my account. I’ll happily use some of it to pay your tax bill for you.

Don't knock HMRC, they're so dedicated that they emailed me at 01.34 on a Sunday morning to tell me about my tax rebate...

HMRC obviously haven’t been checking my tax.

DPD and Royal Mail have a mountain of parcels and letters for me somewhere though.

Can I join the gang on the run please.
Apparently, Santander have joined forces with HSBC and Egg Bank to get me to sort out my problem account, I dare say that they will shortly be in touch with HMRC for their help.
How can I sort anything when according to a chap in India, I have a problem with my computer?
Obviously I know there's a problem with my computer because another chap sent me an email to tell me that he'd been watching me working myself up into a frenzy on a porn site and would tell everyone if I didn't pay up.
Clearly I can't pay up because according to several banks, there is a problem with my account!
If that's not enough, I've had to diagnose myself with dementia as according to the post office, Hermes and DHL there are various parcels waiting for me that I can't remember ordering!

Ps. I'll bring wine and nibbles.

I've bought a whole load of iPhones from Amazon at varying prices from £499 to £2000! No idea where they are...

I had the threaten to arrest me call at the height of lockdown last year.

Myself & Dp working at home with 2 autistic kids running round….I was more than happy to go

Obviously the answer is to put all these people in touch with each other. HMRC can liaise with the banks about the dreadful problems we're having with our bank accounts, they in turn can liaise with the nice man from Microsoft about our problems with computers and our internet providers so that payments can be made, while they're doing that they can block our access to porn sites, they could give our account details to the lovely Nigerian princes and claim those millions waiting for us and they can use some of it to pay the excess postage on those Royal Mail parcels. Oh, and maybe they could sort out our accident compensation claims too.

I would join you but there are some many local girls desperate to have sex with me. I wouldn't like to disappoint.

I can get you some great compensation for an accident in the getaway car that was not your fault

I've been on the run for 2 months now which is a bit shit when I've got parcels waiting for me.

I would reply but my internets been cut off five times because I've not paid the bill. But there's a nice man from Microsoft on the phone to help me fix it. I just need to allow him access.

Dont forget your hot dogs in a food flask.

Warrant.
How much for?

I might be able to drive the getaway car. I don’t have a driving license (or a car) but I had a message from the DVLA that unless I paid my speeding fine, I would loose my license.

Obviously this means that I could pay it and get my driving license in the mail?

NCA are going to suspend my NI number, I’m owed over £500 (tax rebate) not only that I’ve overpaid my road tax by £48, which is unlikely as it’s only £30, PayPal and Amazon account is going to be suspended and there been fraudulently activity on a bank account I don’t have in a bank I’ve never used. I don’t know where to start sorting it all out…😩

I have tax refunds and numerous other overpayments I have made ready to be refunded. Just click here and give us all your banking information...

Well. I have £5.5mil coming my way. And the solution to clogged drainpipes. It must be my lucky day.

I'd travel light @toolazytothinkofausername but maybe get a fake passport, I bet there's a scammer out there with a potato printing set who could help with this!
Sadly I'm also living on the wrong side of the law, don't pay my TV licence, don't pay my NI or my tax but I have no shame and I just can't be asked with the hazzle of assuming a new identity. Ironically I had the HMRC scam the same day a real tax demand turned up, I checked it so thoroughly before I believed it was real, which is a bugger because I owe @LittleG69's friends quite a lot