How do we help improve DS's work ethic??

[WorkEthicFail]

Name changed for this because it is so personal to DS. T-rex in the supermarket/ making a chicken last a month etc.

DS is nearly 11. He is lovely- funny, bright, popular at school and a general pleasure to be with, but... he's SO work avoidant.

He goes to a lovely prep school where the focus is totally on effort not results and on being a decent person. His latest school report basically says he is doing the bare minimum. We already knew this based on his attitude to homework and his thoughts about school. His results are still ok- average to above- but he could clearly do much better if he tried. He's got entrance tests for his next school coming up and he'll do whatever he can to avoid doing any practice for them.

He does a sport which he's doing really well in- been selected for a regional and national junior squad. However, this is largely because we turn up to the training with him and he's been very lucky to have superb coaching right from day 1 so he is technically good. He doesn't want to do any fitness work at home, doesn't think for himself about what he needs to work on, doesn't want to watch the sport being played at the Olympics.

DH and I both work hard- full time jobs at a senior level and we've both voluntarily taken on extra qualifications which he's seen us do the work for, so he does have hard-working role models.

We've removed his phone (which he had because he walks to school by himself), access to youtube and gaming because we thought they were just so appealing and instantly gratifying that he would always choose them over doing things he 'needs' to do. It hasn't really made any difference. He still tries every tactic in the book to avoid doing things he needs to do. He just doesn't seem to be willing to work at anything.

We've really failed somewhere.

It's interesting that children from some other cultures are expected to develop study habits very young. My kids go to a very white school, but the kids who are getting the awards for highest achievement each year are almost all black (2nd Gen African), Asian or polish. My Indian friend talks to me about Indian study culture too, and she says it's taken for granted that children study hard from a young age - (obvs these are huge generalizations). It's fascinating to see how different cultures regard children and study. I do wonder if whute British families have become complacent about results, study habits etc because of the welfare state over the generations.

@madmomma

I absolutely agree- DH’s family is originally from South Korea. He still has relatives there and the work ethic and dedication of the DC there is incredible.

DH’s 15 and 16 year old relatives there will regularly study for 14-16 hours a day.

Clearly we don’t want that extremity here, but I think there is absolutely no harm in DC being expected to work hard and do a few hours of studying.

Yes, there are far higher expectations in Asia. In China, a middle class child of this age who refused to get down to work would probably be sent to an educational psychologist.

@icedcoffees agree with this sentiment. OP Does he pick up on pressure and stress from you doing exams or working long hours? I definitely did from my parents and it really put me off a very corporate lifestyle.

I do feel it’s important to try and build some foundations around planning work and ticking off some tasks though, because it gets harder as you get older. Myself and a few others I knew at uni who had gone to private schools struggled a bit because we were used to having things done for us and being coached and handheld constantly

@SingingSands

"DS is nearly 11"

That's all you need to know. Ten year old boys are not thinking about their futures or stressing over exam results. He's a little boy, let him be one.

Yep.

Leave him be, he'll be fine and will pull out the stops when he needs to.

Not all children do pull out all the stops when they need to, though. Plenty don't.

Well a lot do. I've seen some bone idle kids who get their act together for exams and surprise everyone.

Of course I don't know the op's son and she does.

@567fedup

Not all children do pull out all the stops when they need to, though. Plenty don't.

Correct, and you know what? It's not the end of the world.

You don't need excellent exam results to excel in life. My DH dropped out of school at 14, never finished his exams and is the highest earner out of all his siblings. He also has the best work/life balance, which imo, is infinitely more important.

He also massively out-earns me and I did all my exams and attended an RG university. However, the pressure destroyed my MH and I ended up doing pretty poorly because I just couldn't' do it anymore.

No-one is suggesting destroying the boy's MH with extreme academic pressure. Just his doing an hour or 2 of work a day over a very long summer. I thought it was recommended that children do something over the summer holidays (let alone a 10 week summer holiday) or they go backwards?

@567fedup

No-one is suggesting destroying the boy's MH with extreme academic pressure. Just his doing an hour or 2 of work a day over a very long summer. I thought it was recommended that children do something over the summer holidays (let alone a 10 week summer holiday) or they go backwards?

"Something" is reading (for fun), using maths skills to help bake cakes or cook dinner, maybe do five minutes of times-tables or spellings twice a week, attending some sports days or maybe a couple of days at a camp aimed at their interests.

Not two HOURS of study a day when the child is still in primary school!

Not all children do pull out all the stops when they need to, though. Plenty don't

Exactly. Plus it is much harder to catch up on some things. Academics, ok hopefully you can catch up as an adult but much harder once you have family responsibilities, a job etc. Much easier to achieve when a child and school is your job. With sport, many things such as dance, gymnastics, football… if you do not excel at an early age then you will probably not get the chance later on or it will be much, much harder. My daughter is already too old at 8 really and should have moved up to advanced level a while ago. My elder child is nearer to 11 and it is definitely too late for her to progress in her chosen sport but she didn’t put the extra effort in when she could have done and wanted to watch YouTube instead. It’s not as simple as saying they can pull out the stops later.

Academics on the other hand are non-negotiable. All DC are expected to study hard and achieve the absolute best results that they are personally capable of.

I agree with you. I referenced the sports side of things as this was mentioned by the OP. I also think it can be symptomatic of "cruisers" whereby they have success without having to practise as hard as others.

I made both my sons prepare for their 13 plus exams and work in the holidays when necessary. I doubt they'd have done as well left to their own devices in all honesty. But it set them up well for their GCSEs and encouraged good study habits. My eldest is well organised, works independently and I'm delighted to leave him to it. My youngest (Y9) is capable of working at a high standard but I still supervise somewhat, although it's decreasing over time. As it should. But hard work does pay dividends if the kids are able to see the bigger picture rather than just wanting to spend as much time as possible on their phones.

Attending sports days is great, but it won't stop them going backwards in reading and maths. Not all children (eg the OP's son) read for fun.
If our illustrious leaders put British people in the position of having to compete with the Chinese, we'll get a big shock. The work ethic is completely different.
OP - I'd recommend giving your son 2 weeks off (completely off) and then introducing a couple of hours' work a day. That'll leave him with 12 hours a day of not working. If that time includes "reading for fun", watching good TV, playing card games, cooking, practising a musical instrument and other "soft education", then so much the better.

Attending sports days is great, but it won't stop them going backwards in reading and maths. Not all children (eg the OP's son) read for fun.

I don't know any 10yo (and I went to private schools) who did two hours of work per day and you know what? The world didn't end, we didn't all end up speaking gibberish and forgetting how to add up

Alternatively, as OP presumably has money, she could send the DC off on some worthy residential camps (or day camps if there are some).

DisorganisedOrganiser but sport isn't all about reaching some high level, it is about fitness, participation, team work, co-ordination. Hopefully realising your body is a powerful machine and something you should cherish and look after.

I really dislike writing off children at the age of 11.

That said getting into a top london school for sports or academics is going to take effort, so yes I know people who do a full days work and would do 2 hours plus study after primary school every day and have tutors at the weekends but I think they are crazy and their children don't seem that happy to me.

Sports that you can pick up from 11:

Running, cricket, rugby, tennis, any kind of water sport, rowing, triathlons, long distance and track and field .. bmx racing, skate boarding, basketball, netball, hockey - you really can go on and on and on and on.

lettucelunch I totally agree with the benefits of sport which is why I encourage my DC to do them. I also think their are huge benefits to being in a team and experiencing competitions etc. Unfortunately (at least round here) to experience that they need to be selected which means putting the work in. It is great that lots of sports can be taken up later. Was more referring to the OP who is talking about high level sport. Sport for participation is also great but it is frustrating when you see that your children could be much better if they put more effort in. If they regret it later they can’t go back. Not in things like gymnastics, dancing, football etc. Not at the same level anyway.

I thought you were going to say he was 16+

He is 10 for Christ sake! Still at primary school.

Work ethic?! Leave him alone. When I was 10 I was crap at spelling, crap at maths and wouldn't make the effort and now I'm a solicitor.

He's a baby. He'll be fine.

@567fedup

No-one is suggesting destroying the boy's MH with extreme academic pressure. Just his doing an hour or 2 of work a day over a very long summer. I thought it was recommended that children do something over the summer holidays (let alone a 10 week summer holiday) or they go backwards?

What does 'backwards' mean though, in terms of children being where they need to be by age 18?

It is only 'backwards' if you have some desire for children to stay on some rigid line with a consistent gradient.

Throughout history people have gone up, down, back, forwards in their learning - even very clever people. If children read and are engaged over summer they are fine. They don't have to do 'work'. What children who love learning do not forget is how to learn.

Not that many people do maths for fun and often people forget over summer. It’s 11+ soon after he goes back, so not ideal to have to relearn a lot.

Of course it’s not the end of the world if he doesn’t work now, but being able to work hard for something, improve and try your best is a helpful skill that can make life easier.