How do we help improve DS's work ethic??

[WorkEthicFail]

Name changed for this because it is so personal to DS. T-rex in the supermarket/ making a chicken last a month etc.

DS is nearly 11. He is lovely- funny, bright, popular at school and a general pleasure to be with, but... he's SO work avoidant.

He goes to a lovely prep school where the focus is totally on effort not results and on being a decent person. His latest school report basically says he is doing the bare minimum. We already knew this based on his attitude to homework and his thoughts about school. His results are still ok- average to above- but he could clearly do much better if he tried. He's got entrance tests for his next school coming up and he'll do whatever he can to avoid doing any practice for them.

He does a sport which he's doing really well in- been selected for a regional and national junior squad. However, this is largely because we turn up to the training with him and he's been very lucky to have superb coaching right from day 1 so he is technically good. He doesn't want to do any fitness work at home, doesn't think for himself about what he needs to work on, doesn't want to watch the sport being played at the Olympics.

DH and I both work hard- full time jobs at a senior level and we've both voluntarily taken on extra qualifications which he's seen us do the work for, so he does have hard-working role models.

We've removed his phone (which he had because he walks to school by himself), access to youtube and gaming because we thought they were just so appealing and instantly gratifying that he would always choose them over doing things he 'needs' to do. It hasn't really made any difference. He still tries every tactic in the book to avoid doing things he needs to do. He just doesn't seem to be willing to work at anything.

We've really failed somewhere.

I'd get him into the routine of doing a little bit of work everyday, say 15 minutes of looking at something relevant/useful. Being used to doing a little bit of work every day means when he starts secondary and has homework or revision he can do it in that slot and it's just normal for him. You can up the time gradually as he gets older.

Does he want to do well in the sport or does he just want to enjoy it? I'd take his lead on that one.

This is so fucking goady.

Guess what, op, just because your entire self-esteem is based on your perception of the value of being 'hard working', it doesn't mean that is a universal truth. It is perfectly possible to have different values to you and still be a decent human being.

If you or your husband became disabled (which could happen tomorrow), would you cease to have any worth as human beings because you were no longer able to 'work hard'? Why on earth is that a value you want to pass on to a ten year old child? That he is worthless unless he works himself to the point of burnout.

I work professionally with children who have been dealt really difficult hands and it is such an anathema to me to see him not being bothered to make the most of the opportunities he has. I don't seem to be able to get that through to him though.

In what way is it your ten year old child's responsibility to make you feel better about the shit time the children you (choose to) work with professionally are going through? Explain that to me.

Because that's what you're saying here. And it is completely messed up for a supposedly professional person.

He is making the most of the opportunities he has if he is living a happy, healthy life. It is not his responsibility to compensate for the shitty time other children have by pursuing burn out at the age of 10.

Deal with your own demons yourself instead of judging, pressuring and denigrating your child. You are the one who needs to learn to appreciate what she has.

@GoWalkabout

Give him space to grow with unconditional approval. Your obvious disappointment will ensure he never tries.

Exactly. Great way to set a child up to have negative self-esteem and spend their adulthood in therapy.

@user16395699 you are right I do value hard work. Not results, but effort and not taking it for granted that life will just hand you whatever you want regardless.

I've never actually heard anybody argue that a work ethic is a bad thing before.

Disregarding the posts which don’t see lack of effort as a problem, I think you’ve had good advice. The one thing I would add is that it’s important to praise any effort and resilience, even if it’s not in the areas (like academic work and sport) that you most want to see it. If he keeps going with a tricky Lego model (or whatever) then do seize that moment to praise.

"Work ethic" is tricky at this age. They don't really have any, as adults define it, and nor should they.
On the other hand, the primary years are imperative to encourage an interest in learning. This doesn't mean a sole focus on curriculum subjects, but to encourage them to learn about anything they find interesting. My son, for instance, is fascinated by road signs and has learnt all their meanings. I have encouraged it because he finds it interesting and it makes him happy. Encourage him to cultivate his interests, whatever they may be. This plants a seed for that elusive "work ethic" later on. Plus, it makes them happy and you get to know them better.

Some replies are a little harsh. I understand why you are concerned, I wouldn't want my children coasting either. However, I do really think you are concerned far too early. I would be concerned about age 14 (GCSEs) not age 10. Just let him be little a bit longer....life is so pressurised, don't start early worrying about this.

Also something to consider is maybe he's not found this thing yet that he really super interested in that he would go the extra mile for? I know it would be better to put effort in for everything but he is only ten

I get where you're coming from @WorkEthicFail. My 9yo likes to do the absolute minimum possible and it's soooooo frustrating. His school reports all mention lack of effort or just rushing through stuff so it's out of the way as quickly as possible. He's really bright and does well academically BUT makes stupid errors. He's really good at a specific sport and will claim that's what he wants to do as a career. Now I'm under no illusions that he'll become a professional sportsman, but I don't understand how he has the natural talent and claims he's got ambitions but can't be arsed to put the work it.
I tell myself all the time that it's fine as he's still very young, but I do think this is his personality and at some point it's going to trip him up. He can't coast forever!

He is a 10 year-old little boy! What do you want him to do - start planning for his retirement?
What does HE want to do? When he is "avoiding" all the wonderful opportunities you are signing him up for and dragging him to, what does he do with his free time?
At age 10 my son was signed up for karate, soccer and trombone lessons. He disliked soccer and karate and would not practice his trombone between lessons. He liked spending time on his computer.
Now age 18, he has quit karate and soccer and packed away his trombone. He is headed off to college with a major in media studies. He works 32 hours a week in a fast food retail outlet and uses the money he makes to buy computer parts. He builds computers and sells them to his classmates. He knew his own mind. I should have listened.

I think that you're expecting too much from him.

He's not really going to understand that you studying for extra qualifications is working hard. It's not like a game where he can see your scores go up over time or a house renovation project where can he see the sweat, time and progress made. Does he respond better to educations apps where he can view past "scores" so has concrete proof of improvement?

He's also not going to be a self starter because he's been handed the best coaching and education so gets the results with minimal effort.

I'm a parent of 3 so my data sample is very small but it's a personality thing imo. One of mine is a hard worker - so much that the last time I had to tell her to do her homework or read her school book was in y1 which is 12 years ago.

Does your son enjoy his sport? Finding something that your child enjoys changes their outlook imo. I have a teen son who is very daydreamy and coasts but when it comes to his interests he watches the YouTube videos, reads about it etc without any prompting because it's what makes him tick. Finding the passion is hard (and in his case purely by chance) but it needs to be fostered in a way that he needs to work for it and not have all the "stuff" handed to him.

My experience of 10yo is that he needs his routine of what he has to do and phone time is based on completion of that. Add the sport training to that list.

He's a 10 year old kid. Poor little sod should be having fun.

I can't believe you work with children professionally and have zero understanding of children.

My DC is like this, and got a real shock on arriving at a good uni and finding that they were expected to put a lot of work in.
Having an ambitious / hard-working peer group is very helpful.

He's TEN.

He shouldn't have work ethic at that age.

Not everyone wants to work really hard at things they are not interested in, just to please other people 🤷‍♀️ That's not necessarily a bad thing.

I would also agree with whoever said that he may see you working stupid hours and not want that for himself.

That's how it was with me and my parents.

There are actually a lot of people who don't think kids should be encouraged to make an effort at anything.

I did know some people would think it was all about me. It isn't. I've achieved the things I wanted to achieve and I don't need him to do anything for my benefit. However, I am concerned about the coasting. Hopefully, the many people who have said it is too early to worry about that are right.

He's a child. He needs a childhood. There is plenty of time to worry about the enormous stress of exams and grades. Personally i dont feel its fair to live vicarioysly and influct this pressure onto a ten year old. And to be hobest im not sure it has real meanjng to children of that age anyway. He has role models and has presumably got used to having nice things which you will ensure he works to gain for himself when he is older. He'll get there. He should be hanging out with his friends and, and playing minecraft or similar now.

I think you need to use more of a "carrot" approach, rather than using the "stick" of taking way his phone.

Are there any subjects at school he particularly likes? If so, can you think of ways to enthuse him? Take him to the science museum / Bletchley park / a castle near you etc. Give him books on coding and challenge him to create a computer programme that does xxx. Maybe take him to see his sport live rather than watch it on TV?

'letting him grow into the person he wanted to become, not the high flyer I desired and saw his potential to be'

This.

He'll work hard when there is something he wants. Evidently, at the moment that isn't academic or sporting success. It might be one day. Or it might never be. Let him be who he wants to be.

I’d start increasing his independence. So he’s responsible for getting his kit together, for some chores at home etc. Naturally he’ll forget stuff and suffer the sting and this will help him. He’ll also have days where he gets it all right and that will build pride and job satisfaction. Think these are some of the building blocks of working hard. Consistency, forward planning etc.

Well, we have come up with this..

He very much wants his tech back. I have written a list of tasks he 'needs' to do (test practise, reading, exercise etc) in 10 minute blocks. He can earn 1 point for each genuine 10 minute block of 'work' he does without being prompted by DH or I. If he has to be asked to do it, it doesn't count for points. When he gets to 100 points he can have an hour a day of gaming back.

I shall not refer to it again. It's totally up to him whether he does what he needs to do to get what he wants.

He is currently reading .

@Nextchapterofmybook completely agree with that.

I totally disagree that work ethic is not important at that age.

Imo work ethic is something that has to be developed and inculcated throughout a DC’s life- it is not something that can just happen all of a sudden at GCSE.

I think to some extent a strong work ethic is something a person is born with or without.
I also think children who come from wealthy families often don't have a strong work ethic - as they know they will never be on the streets. Their parents will always bale them out.

@WorkEthicFail

Well, we have come up with this..

He very much wants his tech back. I have written a list of tasks he 'needs' to do (test practise, reading, exercise etc) in 10 minute blocks. He can earn 1 point for each genuine 10 minute block of 'work' he does without being prompted by DH or I. If he has to be asked to do it, it doesn't count for points. When he gets to 100 points he can have an hour a day of gaming back.

I shall not refer to it again. It's totally up to him whether he does what he needs to do to get what he wants.

He is currently reading .

Wow. Just wow.

I feel sorry for your son, honestly. He's ten years old. It's the summer holidays. He shouldn't be having to do any kind of test practise!