How do we help improve DS's work ethic??

[WorkEthicFail]

Name changed for this because it is so personal to DS. T-rex in the supermarket/ making a chicken last a month etc.

DS is nearly 11. He is lovely- funny, bright, popular at school and a general pleasure to be with, but... he's SO work avoidant.

He goes to a lovely prep school where the focus is totally on effort not results and on being a decent person. His latest school report basically says he is doing the bare minimum. We already knew this based on his attitude to homework and his thoughts about school. His results are still ok- average to above- but he could clearly do much better if he tried. He's got entrance tests for his next school coming up and he'll do whatever he can to avoid doing any practice for them.

He does a sport which he's doing really well in- been selected for a regional and national junior squad. However, this is largely because we turn up to the training with him and he's been very lucky to have superb coaching right from day 1 so he is technically good. He doesn't want to do any fitness work at home, doesn't think for himself about what he needs to work on, doesn't want to watch the sport being played at the Olympics.

DH and I both work hard- full time jobs at a senior level and we've both voluntarily taken on extra qualifications which he's seen us do the work for, so he does have hard-working role models.

We've removed his phone (which he had because he walks to school by himself), access to youtube and gaming because we thought they were just so appealing and instantly gratifying that he would always choose them over doing things he 'needs' to do. It hasn't really made any difference. He still tries every tactic in the book to avoid doing things he needs to do. He just doesn't seem to be willing to work at anything.

We've really failed somewhere.

He doesn't have a strong work ethic because he doesn't need to have a strong work ethic - he knows that you have his back and will always bail him out.

At 10, this is a good thing and I encourage you to reframe your thinking around it - he is secure, confident, happy and doesn't need to measure himself by the yardstick of effort.

By 10 I was working my fucking socks off because I knew no-one would take care of me. If 10 year old me and your boy were side by side, I'd be the one you should worry about!

What I would do is give him age-appropriate responsibilities around the house. Don't stint on those because 'study is everything'. He needs to learn to be a fully functioning member of society no matter how well his education/work goes and that's what you can be working on. Earning tech at the holidays wouldn't be my approach, but during term time I would be making sure study/homework/reading and chores were all done before tech was allowed. Holidays are different though.

@icedcoffees he's a very privileged boy. He has so much just handed to him. I don't want him to be a rich-kid layabout. I didn't realise that was going to offend quite so many people!

I'm expecting him to pay attention in lessons and do enough prep to not bomb an important test, not wear a hair shirt and muck out latrines!

@NoYOUbekind thank you, that is a valuable perspective.

[quote WorkEthicFail]@icedcoffees he's a very privileged boy. He has so much just handed to him. I don't want him to be a rich-kid layabout. I didn't realise that was going to offend quite so many people!

I'm expecting him to pay attention in lessons and do enough prep to not bomb an important test, not wear a hair shirt and muck out latrines![/quote]
I'm not remotely offended lol, you do you.

But he's 10 years old. He might be privileged, but that doesn't change the fact that he's still a little kid. He shouldn't be worrying about prep and practise tests. He should be playing out with his friends over summer, reading for fun (not because it gets him access to tech), and having fun in general.

I was "privileged" growing up too, and I had pushy parents who worked long hours - all it did was make me want the total opposite for myself. Not everyone wants to work long hours and gain additional qualifications - and that's okay. It's not a failing to be happy doing okay.

He shouldn't be worrying about prep and practise tests. He should be playing out with his friends over summer, reading for fun (not because it gets him access to tech), and having fun in general.

I think you've had a few harsh responses here @WorkEthicFail. I too have a 10 year old son who produces the bare minimum (& from speaking to his friend's parents they are not alone). My son rushes so makes the same mistakes time and again despite being reminded by his teacher and I. If my DS spent the time doing his homework, instead of dodging or moaning about it, it would be over quicker, with better results and less headaches for all involved! I understand you just want him to do well and are posting out of love and concern. Remember there are driven, competitive children out there who academically succeed but put themselves under enormous pressure.As long as he's happy that is the main thing.

I didn't take the traditional path to Uni, I messed about at school and was more interested in going out. After working for a few years I returned to study and ended up getting a first from a Russell Group Uni. I bet it was hard for my parents watching me in my 'wilderness' years. When I re-engaged with education it was because I wanted to, not because it was what I 'had' to do, so I got so much more value out of it. Try and take a long term view. I know it's hard when you feel like your child is not making the most of the opportunities they are fortunate enough to have.

@WorkEthicFail

Well, we have come up with this..

He very much wants his tech back. I have written a list of tasks he 'needs' to do (test practise, reading, exercise etc) in 10 minute blocks. He can earn 1 point for each genuine 10 minute block of 'work' he does without being prompted by DH or I. If he has to be asked to do it, it doesn't count for points. When he gets to 100 points he can have an hour a day of gaming back.

I shall not refer to it again. It's totally up to him whether he does what he needs to do to get what he wants.

He is currently reading .

The trouble with this approach is its not going to foster intrinsic motivation. He's not doing the tasks because he wants to. He's doing it to get his tech back.

I understand your approach...I assume it's to try to condition him into having a work ethic. I'm not sure it works like that.

There must be some reading out there you can do on intrinsic motivation.

I'm afraid I actually agree with the pp who thinks this is quite harsh...it's like week two of the summer holidays. This is downtime.

I'm somewhat sympathetic, OP, as my bright and talented DC's lack of work ethic is something I've really struggled with. I've felt responsible for opportunities and potential being wasted.
I don't think it's a bad idea to insist on a certain amount of work being done in the holidays. And the child knows that the rest of the day can be used for fun things. Getting your child used to working will stand him in good stead.

'I don't want him to be a rich-kid layabout. I didn't realise that was going to offend quite so many people!'

I think there is quite a gulf between a rich kid layabout and a ten year old spending their summer holidays doing exercise in 10 minute blocks (for a 1000 minutes!) in order to earn an hour day doing the thing they like!

So it's going to take him 16 hours to earn his hour per day of gaming back? It's the summer holidays, that's so harsh and doesn't seem very attainable......

Agree with pp, very harsh.

It's the 4th week of his 10 weeks of holiday.

He could do 16hrs of work in 8 days and still have 10-12 hours a day to do f* all.

Jesus leave the kid alone to enjoy his summer.

Have you nothing else to worry about?

You would want to look at those deprived kids you mention you work with and thank your lucky stars that your son is happy and thriving.

You know some people aren't motivated and driven. It might come to him, it might not. But it doesn't matter right now BECAUSE HE IS FUCKING 10 YEARS OLD!

He's 10 ffs let him be a child and enjoy his summer.

My son has no work ethic. He is bright and coasts along. It’s frustrating but that is unfortunately what many privileged boys are like! They know they never need to worry in life and if he’s not at an especially academic school then he won’t be worried about the exams. It drives me mad my son is like that but equally, of course he is because life is easy for him!

16 HOURS solidly working to get 1 hour of gaming back?

Are you London based?

I knew lots of parents who tried out this kind of stuff, like paying their child per test or bond test. Getting extra tutors.

I know London is super competitive so you won't be alone, but at the end of the day I am sure more 10, 11 year olds can pass with doing the odd test but on a regular basis.

Please let your child enjoy the holidays, covid has been so terrible for children.

As Annasgirl has said you can't relive your childhood.

For what it is worth we limit gaming and devices and phones too, but once 11 plus is over you really need your child to learn for their own sake, not yours. You can be there to help and support.

If he is already at a lovely prep school he is probably getting an education without classroom interruption and surely you pay all that money for the prep school to prepare your child?

'It’s frustrating but that is unfortunately what many privileged boys are like!'

It's what ten year olds are like. Even the not privileged ones. They're children, they're not thinking about their future success yet.

I've got a nearly ten year old, his plan in life is to be a millionaire. That's it. No plan to work at anything, just be a millionaire. Because he's ten.

He very much wants his tech back. I have written a list of tasks he 'needs' to do (test practise, reading, exercise etc) in 10 minute blocks. He can earn 1 point for each genuine 10 minute block of 'work' he does without being prompted by DH or I. If he has to be asked to do it, it doesn't count for points. When he gets to 100 points he can have an hour a day of gaming back.

And then what? Is that for this week, the whole of the holidays or are you randomly going to decide in a couple of weeks that as he hasn’t kept up with his 10 minute blocks, you’re going to wipe the slate clean again?

It’s quite harsh for the holidays, although I don’t agree they should do nothing for the whole 6 weeks. I’ve told mine that for the last three weeks, they have to earn their screen time for the day by doing something helpful, something sensible and something sporty. Their choice, but they have to justify why it counts. In the last two weeks, they have to do ten mins a day on their weakest subject as well (DS maths, DD spellings).

By the way OP have you actually tried some of the entrance exams - if not I would try them. Some of them are just awful, and I think if you and your other half tried them you might have more empathy with your son.

Somehow you have to make the learning fun, rather than punish/reward system. I don't know if you spoke to the prep school?

If worried about exams try get on a group course, maybe he is lonely? Maybe he needs a tutor for feedback?

I think 2 hours a day work is too much for his age, but that is me!

My dd has always been like this and made hardly any effort at school and then GCSEs cancelled just as she was getting her act together and past grades were her final grades, she scrapped though with middle grades, she is still the same and failed one of her A-level end of year exams.

The poster who said she was motivated because no one would back her is correct, that was my motivation and I get so angry and frustrated, she has had every opportunity, I had none and worked my arse off to improve my life. I’ve actually given up, she won’t change I just hope she’ll be a late bloomer however her options will be very limited by that stage. Good luck!

[quote WorkEthicFail]@icedcoffees he's a very privileged boy. He has so much just handed to him. I don't want him to be a rich-kid layabout. I didn't realise that was going to offend quite so many people!

I'm expecting him to pay attention in lessons and do enough prep to not bomb an important test, not wear a hair shirt and muck out latrines![/quote]
It's not about being a rich kid. It's about the fact he's
a ten year old boy

You're setting him up for failure.

You’re nuts.

@WorkEthicFail

It's the 4th week of his 10 weeks of holiday.

He could do 16hrs of work in 8 days and still have 10-12 hours a day to do f* all.

I'm going to be honest...you are making the 'work' seem like a punishment

That's not the message to send if you want a genuine work ethic for the future

And I hear what you are saying about how long the holidays are, but that's the bliss of childhood! And I have a feeling you wouldn't let him do f* all for 10 hours a day anyway! (Fair enough though, kids do need some loose structure even in the holidays ..but structure doesn't need to be tests etc).

We have had our ups and downs as a family but are doing fine.

My son's primary school class had kids facing really harsh poverty, some parents who were not equipped to help their children at school, some parents had drug issues or were just really cruel, some other children were in very difficult situations, think being groomed and having poor life choices. My son saw that and wanted a better school environment and that was a huge motivation for him.

We dropped some food off to people during covid and the like.

Other parents worked huge hours at low paid jobs too, trying their best but because of their education their earnings were limited.

When my son sat an exam at a private school, he simply could not believe the grounds, the sporting facilities.

When he passed his exams, he got upset that so many other children can not do as well.

So life is not fair, but honestly let your son enjoy his holidays.

Do a few tests but leave the rest.

If you can already afford prep school you are probably in the top 7% of wealth, so make sure he enjoys his time off.

10 weeks for him, not 6.

He can do as little or as much as he pleases to get what he wants sooner or later. But he will have to do some work to get a bit of a luxury he wants, because as far as I can see, that's how life works.

If he doesn't want to work he can still play outdoors, be taken to the beach, watch TV, play games, go for Starbucks. He just can't game.

I hope for him just to learn to equate effort and reward- even if he doesn't always apply it.

And I will keep saying. He's 10.

Where are you going to go from here?