How is it that some people can manage so well with lots on their plate and others struggle with just the basics?

[MotionActivatedDog]

I am the latter.

I struggle to maintain a basic consistent routine to my life. I achieve nothing. I do nothing well.

Yet I know people who have so much going on in their lives, dealing with things that are a lot harder than I have to deal with but they manage to have careers and buy houses and learn and travel and raise wonderful families in lovely homes.

I’m not for one second suggesting these people find it easy- I expect they struggle too.

Are you like these people? How to you manage to keep it all running? I feel like I’m constantly wading through honey with a very basic bare minimum life.

Disabilities. Two of the damn things. Makes everything almost impossible.

And throw in two disabled children that I managed to pass the disabilities on to.

Some people are naturally more organised.
Some people are better at multi-tasking.
Some thrive on pressure.

Even without trying to do more, do you think you would benefit from more organisation in your life so you aren't tripped up constantly by minor things?

You know the saying "if you want something done, ask a busy person" - that's always been quite true for me.

The less I have to do, the less I get done. Lockdown last summer I had all the plans of how tidy my house was going to be, the online courses I'd do, etc. Didn't happen.

Back in work and juggling work, kids, school, my other job, kids clubs, my own hobby and the house is a better state, more things get done.

I need a stretch on my time to appreciate it. Being busy means I organise and plan better, including planning in rest and hobbies.

🤷‍♀️ It won't work for everyone though.

And of course, there's a limit. I found the limit a few years ago. Don't want to get back there again!

Even without trying to do more, do you think you would benefit from more organisation in your life so you aren't tripped up constantly by minor things

My life is very organised. Without the organisation it’s an absolute shit show. I fall apart.

I feel similar but my recent ADHD diagnosis explains a lot. Expectation adjustment needed.

ADHD/ASD for me. Single with 3DC, middle child has ADHD/ASD too. Ex is useless. I have MH issues which I’m medicated for.

I was managing my STEM degree - as in, I had a cleaner 4 hours a week (2x2 hour slots), 9-5 childcare and lots of help via DSA.

Pandemic has wrecked me. I caught Covid in January, was ill for 6 weeks and now have post viral fatigue, I also catch every bug going. Wrap around care didn’t reopen until May.

I’ve only done half the work required this year and I’m meant to be doing the rest this summer, however I’m still too fucking ill/overwhelmed to do it.

I’ve also been given an eviction notice as LL is planning to turn my lovely 3 bed terrace into a 4 bed HMO, I’ve called fuck knows how many estate agents/landlords and they won’t even let me view, let alone apply.

After a long talk with my Psych and counsellor, I’m going to have to suspend my studies, and repeat this year. Which also means applying for UC and the disability element of that.

If not for Covid, I’d be graduating. Instead I’m not.

The less I have to do, the less I get done. Lockdown last summer I had all the plans of how tidy my house was going to be, the online courses I'd do, etc. Didn't happen.

Back in work and juggling work, kids, school, my other job, kids clubs, my own hobby and the house is a better state, more things get done.

Lockdown has made me realise just how much I wasn’t coping whilst working. I just wasn’t managing well at all and work at that point was only part time. When lockdown happened and I wasn’t working I found I was able to keep on top of the house, sort out proper meals, actually eat something before dinner time. When work started up again I was failing everywhere again. That’s not normal. I’m a healthy 35 year old. I should be able to work part time and keep my house tidy and eat regularly.

I’m the same as @Photosymphysis. The more I have to do, the more efficient I become. Being busy focuses my mind. When there’s little to do (eg lockdown) I can’t find the motivation for even the smallest task.

You just need to crack on really. I’m rubbish when I don’t have things that need to be done urgently but excellent when I have deadlines.
If I have someone to stay, I’ll get my arse into gear and have the whole house clean and tidy. Over the last year, I’ve barely hoovered.
I’m the same with paperwork. Never have I organised any insurance or payment before the deadline day, but once it’s looming, I’ve shopped around and got the best deal.
I’m trying to do the little and often approach now as the other way is very stressful!

@Berkeys

I feel similar but my recent ADHD diagnosis explains a lot. Expectation adjustment needed.

This is what I suspect is going on with me. My son has ADHD but I have no hope of getting a diagnosis any time soon. His took years.

How do you cope? What helps?

I don’t know. I’ve always been low level depressed with many intense dark periods thrown in. I feel like it takes me a lot of effort to do things that I see others do easily. I don’t know if I am autistic, I identify with some of the traits when I look at the signs and symptoms. Can you be lazy but also have ADHD? Because I identify with many of the signs of that too. I feel like I just don’t ‘work’ properly, if that makes sense? Maybe I just have a weird personality.
Excuse my ramble! Your OP jumped out as me, very relatable. Especially about falling apart without a routine.

I’ve also been given an eviction notice

I was there 2 years ago. It’s the absolute pits.

How much support do you have? I manage home and work reasonably well, because DH picks up a lot of the slack at home, so when I come home shattered, it is all done. Everyone has different challenges, and you probably don't see where people cut corners. Things are often not as they appear, and the most together people can be struggling.

@ComDummings

I don’t know. I’ve always been low level depressed with many intense dark periods thrown in. I feel like it takes me a lot of effort to do things that I see others do easily. I don’t know if I am autistic, I identify with some of the traits when I look at the signs and symptoms. Can you be lazy but also have ADHD? Because I identify with many of the signs of that too. I feel like I just don’t ‘work’ properly, if that makes sense? Maybe I just have a weird personality. Excuse my ramble! Your OP jumped out as me, very relatable. Especially about falling apart without a routine.

All of this. I keep finding myself asking “what’s wrong with me??” Because I just can’t seem to get out of 1st gear and I see all these other people whizzing around doing sports and fundraising whilst raising 4 children and working full time and baking buns to take to the beach after their paddle boarding meet with their friends. One day of that would take me a week to recover.

ADHD is chronically under diagnosed in women.

Have a look on the ADDitude website. Then go talk to your GP.

I think I’m in the former bucket. I work in professional services in London, have two children under 4, and run a business in my “spare” time.

I cope by prioritising; knowing what actually matters, what doesn’t, and what matters TO ME even if it’s a bit trivial in the broad scheme of things.

We throw a lot of money at problems; we have a nanny and a cleaner. I have a personal trainer so I can spend only 1h15 a week exercising and still feel good about my body. I do my best to get my DH to do his share, and I accept help from the family we’re very lucky to have offering that support. I’m very fast; I speak, think and typically move quickly. I make sure I get enough sleep. And we have redecorated most of our house room-by-room, and I was ruthless with storage organisation. Now everything has a place and tasks are simpler as a result.

I hope none of that sounds smug. It’s hard. I have joined a “one task a day” thread to try and get things more under control, but ultimately “everyone fed and nobody dead”, right?

I once went on a motivational course organised by work and it literally changed my life for the better. It was all about a "just do it" mentality.

A lot of it was about NOT making lists, etc. The logic being that people spend so much time making a list, they could have done a few things by the time they've finished it!

There was also the "touch it once" mentality when dealing with paperwork, bills, etc - the things that are now called "life admin". Rather than reading a letter from school, putting it to one side and dealing with it later, the idea was to "just do it" there and then. If it needed a form to be signed and returned, "just do it", or a cheque written "just do it", etc. If you weren't going to do it, i.e. not relevant or kid not interested, then bin it straight away, so you'd not have to waste time looking at it a 2nd or 3rd time when it kept appearing in your pile of paperwork!

If you've actually done something, then you don't need to waste mind-space thinking about it, worrying about forgetting to do it, "scheduling it" on your to do lists, etc etc. Just do/file and forget.

That's how we get to the "ask a busy person" narrative. Such people just do it. They don't prevaricate or plan/schedule, they just do it. They're the ones with the empty in tray.

@Goosethemoose

I think I’m in the former bucket. I work in professional services in London, have two children under 4, and run a business in my “spare” time.

I cope by prioritising; knowing what actually matters, what doesn’t, and what matters TO ME even if it’s a bit trivial in the broad scheme of things.

We throw a lot of money at problems; we have a nanny and a cleaner. I have a personal trainer so I can spend only 1h15 a week exercising and still feel good about my body. I do my best to get my DH to do his share, and I accept help from the family we’re very lucky to have offering that support. I’m very fast; I speak, think and typically move quickly. I make sure I get enough sleep. And we have redecorated most of our house room-by-room, and I was ruthless with storage organisation. Now everything has a place and tasks are simpler as a result.

I hope none of that sounds smug. It’s hard. I have joined a “one task a day” thread to try and get things more under control, but ultimately “everyone fed and nobody dead”, right?

This.

I'm going back to work FT in a couple of months and will be getting a cleaner in.
DH will have to do more of the school drop offs. The kids will have school dinners and sandwich teas (so DH and I can eat nice food without the moaning about how disgusting it is)

It took a period of stress and burnout to realise that I had to prioritise sleep above everything else. And I'll need to consciously remember that.

But ultimately: everyone fed, nobody dead.

There are many women that can do way more than me. It's taken me a long time to realise that they have a lot more money and/or help. But it's not a competition. As long as I and my family are happy and healthy, you don't get points for suffering or showing off!

But given the opportunity I can procrastinate at an Olympic level.

Sometimes I’m the former, sometimes I’m the latter.

I confuse those I work with on a regular basis unintentionally. It could be hormones, stress or genuine exhaustion. I have to say I was at my most productive and busy immediately before I had a massive breakdown…so I would recommend.

@Kazzyhoward

I once went on a motivational course organised by work and it literally changed my life for the better. It was all about a "just do it" mentality.

A lot of it was about NOT making lists, etc. The logic being that people spend so much time making a list, they could have done a few things by the time they've finished it!

There was also the "touch it once" mentality when dealing with paperwork, bills, etc - the things that are now called "life admin". Rather than reading a letter from school, putting it to one side and dealing with it later, the idea was to "just do it" there and then. If it needed a form to be signed and returned, "just do it", or a cheque written "just do it", etc. If you weren't going to do it, i.e. not relevant or kid not interested, then bin it straight away, so you'd not have to waste time looking at it a 2nd or 3rd time when it kept appearing in your pile of paperwork!

If you've actually done something, then you don't need to waste mind-space thinking about it, worrying about forgetting to do it, "scheduling it" on your to do lists, etc etc. Just do/file and forget.

That's how we get to the "ask a busy person" narrative. Such people just do it. They don't prevaricate or plan/schedule, they just do it. They're the ones with the empty in tray.

This ^

I think @Photosymphysis and @Kazzyhoward make important points from the 'busy/organised/coping' end of the spectrum.

And I think it is a spectrum -- I'm probably towards that end of things in that I have a FT job, a young child, a husband who travels a lot for work, I write novels on the side, live in a big, very run-down old house I'm project managing the renovation of while we live here, an active social life, look after elderly parents, and have had a lot of challenging life stuff (frequent house moves, a country move, health issues including two surgeries) in the past 18 months.

However, compared to a close friend, who deals with all this and two children with SN, I'm definitely middle-of-the-road.

But there are also people who are simply very low-energy.

I have a friend who is a healthy, married man in his mid-40s. We used to do exactly the same job with the same responsibilities in the same workplace, yet what I could easily accomplish during normal office hours working three days in the office and two at home around my son, took him six days a week because he was so disorganised -- he almost always went in one day of the weekend! He would show up in my office regularly on an ordinary working day making this kind of 'panting and exhausted face', as if he'd just endured some major trial of strength. Doing a work project with him was awful, because he seldom did things on time or accurately and would show up unprepared for public-facing stuff.

Doing anything with his children exhausted him, and something as simple as having their friends over for a (rare) playdate, or taking them swimming or to buy school shoes would knock him for six for a week. If you asked him how his week was looking on Monday, he would pull a face that suggested he was facing major surgery and say he had to go to his son's parent-teaching evening on Thursday night. He didn't maintain a single friendship.

His comfort zone was so small, everything sent him into a tailspin.

I realise he's an extreme example, but he's someone whose struggle with the basics I saw up close.

Personality, neuro divesity, mental health, money, family, friends, location, type of job, employer and health are just a few things which would effect how much a person could or could not manage.

Basically we're all different!

Thank you everyone. Lots of stuff to think about there. @FittedSheet I’m probably very close to what your colleague is like TBH. Small comfort zone- being asked to do something I don’t normally do sends my anxiety levels through the roof.