How is it that some people can manage so well with lots on their plate and others struggle with just the basics?

[MotionActivatedDog]

I am the latter.

I struggle to maintain a basic consistent routine to my life. I achieve nothing. I do nothing well.

Yet I know people who have so much going on in their lives, dealing with things that are a lot harder than I have to deal with but they manage to have careers and buy houses and learn and travel and raise wonderful families in lovely homes.

I’m not for one second suggesting these people find it easy- I expect they struggle too.

Are you like these people? How to you manage to keep it all running? I feel like I’m constantly wading through honey with a very basic bare minimum life.

I have ADHD and am on the Autism spectrum OP. I feel your pain.

Might be worth looking into as my diagnosis changed my life!

People who have had ADHD diagnoses in the NHS- how long did it take?

I have a lot going on I think... I always take on more than I can manage. I work very quickly, I'm mentally very organised and good at managing multiple things at once. I think that's it really. I can't cope if I'm hardly doing anything I just can't help myself saying yes to projects

@MotionActivatedDog

People who have had ADHD diagnoses in the NHS- how long did it take?

Once my GP had got her head around Right to Choose - appt with her in early March, appt with Psychiatry UK early May, started titration on meds at start of July. Three weeks in and the difference is subtle but absolutely noticeable. Look up right to choose and ask your Dr to refer you under it.

(And I absolutely relate to your post - I am that busy person who looks like they're getting loads done, but under the surface everything is total chaos. Don't assume the together people actually have it that sussed!)

My life went utterly to shit last September, I have literally hung on by my nails since then. Here's my take:

1. JFDI (just fucking do it) - don't leave it, get it done, do it well first go, but only if it actually matters. Strip out the shit that doesn't. Delegate it out or dump it.

1. Resilience - don't underestimate it, it is they key to everything and if yours is lacking get help. Get to GP and insist on help.

1. Sleep - low dose AD helped with resilience and also stopped me waking in the night seized with panic

1. Timers - set the washing machine, set the oven, set your TV to switch off at 10:30, set your alarm and get up, set the kids alarms

1. Clean bathroom whilst you're in it, takes less time if you're nekkid and a bit chilly

1. Everyone fed, no one dead

Thanks @hilariousnamehere. I’ve had a google and unfortunately right to choose doesn’t operate in NI but I will see the GP nonetheless and hopefully get a referral for assessment.

Because I have no choice.

It's cope or collapse.

The universe is literally throwing everything at me at the moment (hence the username) but yielding will mean I'll never get back on my feet so I keep putting one foot in front of the other and hoping the next step doesn't put me in the path of a steamroller!

I was in my thirties before I found out I have Ehlers Danlos hypermobilty after years of doctors looking perplexed and when I was young just thinking I was trying to avoid school. It was such a relief to know that the pain and being different were my genetics not just being lazy. I have a degree and earned more than my husband when I met getting the diagnosis transformed my life so I wouldn’t be so quick to judge.

Yeah, so many variables here. Relationship and ability to communicate within it has a big effect on that as well.

Some people have better health, more support from family, better start in terms of money and family connections.
It sucks tbh but it’s life. And it’s the same everywhere.

I feel like I'm just keeping my nose above the water a lot of the time, but people tell me they don't know how I manage everything. I think it may depend on what it is that someone is managing; this determines how someone's level of "having their shit together" is percieved. Professionally, my colleagues know what my role and workload involves and respect what I achieve. People on the outside probably wouldn't get it.
I am managing my DC's SEN and periodically DP's physical and MH. That probably doesn't look like much at all on the outside, but any academic achievements or house purchases / renovation I've completed pale into insignificance by comparison!
I feel like I never stop, despite most nights working past midnight.

I'm just bone idle.

Anxiety makes me procrastinate terribly, I'm awful at making decisions or knowing what to do with the simplest things outside of my comfort zone or routine. It slows me down a lot, but I do improve slightly under gentle pressure, like basically I'm a last minute person because the time pressure forces my brain to overcome the anxiety and 'just do it'.
Really wish I could make myself just do it in advance but I'm crippled by indecision mostly. Don't know whether this is just anxiety, or linked to something like ADHD or ASD.
I often notice the difference between myself and my DH who doesn't suffer the same type of anxiety as me, he has less barriers to getting things done and is also a quicker thinker in general.

Indecisive sums me up in one word. I agonise over decisions and it’s held me back so much in life.

I am very busy, I have three children aged 6 and under, a job, pets, I exercise 5 times a week, usually have furniture upcyclying project on the go, bake birthday cakes for people blah blah blah.

I'm no organisational guru but have a rough routine for things and generally am on top of things.

HOWEVER - I do have a husband who helps with a lot of the above, no disabilities or mental health struggles and none of my children have special needs. These things make a huge huge difference.

I do think the more you have on your plate the more you get on with it. I'm my most lazy and disorganised when I have nothing to do!

@Kazzyhoward

I once went on a motivational course organised by work and it literally changed my life for the better. It was all about a "just do it" mentality.

A lot of it was about NOT making lists, etc. The logic being that people spend so much time making a list, they could have done a few things by the time they've finished it!

There was also the "touch it once" mentality when dealing with paperwork, bills, etc - the things that are now called "life admin". Rather than reading a letter from school, putting it to one side and dealing with it later, the idea was to "just do it" there and then. If it needed a form to be signed and returned, "just do it", or a cheque written "just do it", etc. If you weren't going to do it, i.e. not relevant or kid not interested, then bin it straight away, so you'd not have to waste time looking at it a 2nd or 3rd time when it kept appearing in your pile of paperwork!

If you've actually done something, then you don't need to waste mind-space thinking about it, worrying about forgetting to do it, "scheduling it" on your to do lists, etc etc. Just do/file and forget.

That's how we get to the "ask a busy person" narrative. Such people just do it. They don't prevaricate or plan/schedule, they just do it. They're the ones with the empty in tray.

This is excellent advice

@TSSDNCOP - just curious about your statement on resilience - out of interest what would you expect a gp to do about that? Do you mean checking for underlying depression?

I’m a gp and I often read these threads on mumsnet and wonder what patients expectations are as it helps me understand.

Awaiting an ADHD assessment at the age of 40. Am great in a crisis. Give me loads of things I HAVE to do and I get through it all. Give me a short deadline and it’s done. However, stuff that can be done whenever, doesn’t get done. Filling out forms, paying bills, life admin, none of that gets done. I need actual help. Hoping I’ll be assessed and give meds so I can lead a more “normal” life but in the meantime I focus on my strengths. It’s me who people turn to in an emergency. My house is relaxed and anyone can turn up if they need to. If anyone asks for help it is instinctive to say yes and I do my best. Sometimes all you need is to change your perspective.

www.amazon.co.uk/Keep-House-While-Drowning-compassionate-ebook/dp/B08MD9T8XD?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
This was recommended by another Mumsnetter, i found it good, short and cheap (on kindle)!

I'm the kind of person who thrives when I'm busy, when I dont have lots to do I become lazy.

@MotionActivatedDog

Thank you everyone. Lots of stuff to think about there. *@FittedSheet* I’m probably very close to what your colleague is like TBH. Small comfort zone- being asked to do something I don’t normally do sends my anxiety levels through the roof.

I used to be like this - CBT really really helped if that's something you could consider, either through the NHS or private. I'm a million times better after around 8 sessions!

Some of it is perception too. I feel like the latter, but many people would think I’m the former. They just don’t see all the basics I’m not managing! I am disabled and once I learned to pace I got much better at doing things instead of collapsing before something was finished. But sometimes I really hate how much of my life is geared towards doing my job. Even my holidays are all about getting enough rest for when I’m back at work.

I was the one that had everything just right... home cooked dinner, kids always clean & tidy, a quick visit to the gym 3x week, holding down a 30hour / week job, lunch with friends on Saturday, kids activities 3-5 x week.... the list goes on.

Now, I have officially been diagnosed with "burnout" ...

@Goosethemoose When you say: "I’m very fast; I speak, think and typically move quickly." would you say it's partly based on confidence? The knowledge that there is a safety net (either money or support or just plain the feeling that nothing terrible will happen) should you make a wrong decision? Do you feel like you are smarter than average? How do you feel about other people? My boss is like this and sometimes I feel like I am moving through molasses compared to her - I need to ask her for clarification or to repeat herself often and I wonder if she thinks I'm thick!