How is it that some people can manage so well with lots on their plate and others struggle with just the basics?

[MotionActivatedDog]

I am the latter.

I struggle to maintain a basic consistent routine to my life. I achieve nothing. I do nothing well.

Yet I know people who have so much going on in their lives, dealing with things that are a lot harder than I have to deal with but they manage to have careers and buy houses and learn and travel and raise wonderful families in lovely homes.

I’m not for one second suggesting these people find it easy- I expect they struggle too.

Are you like these people? How to you manage to keep it all running? I feel like I’m constantly wading through honey with a very basic bare minimum life.

@Scrunchies I didn't mean the GP can prescribe it, although I bet you wish you could.

It's more that resilience is the thing that we need to help us square our shoulders and carry on through the tough times.

In my case, mine which had also been so strong, was thrown utterly by what happened to me and I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't plan. I needed desperately to restore balance and re-find it.

Having never imagined I would need anti-depressants or counselling or how these things would help I sought out my GP. My assumption was if I had medicine to sleep I'd regain my control, she explained that wasn't the best way. She gave great advice which I reluctantly followed. She was dead right.

It's sometimes not enough to try and fight your way back to your normal place alone. You need an expert, and that's where a GP is invaluable. I owe her a lot.

And she's not letting me off the hook. I only have the current AD's for a month. Then she wants me back to plan the next steps.

I admit, I had to bang on the door of the surgery a lot during Lockdown 2 to get to her, the Receptionist will hate me forever. It was that or I thought I'd lose my child, my job and my mind which was all I had left of a previously golden and charmed life.

@SquirrelFan I’ll give you the honest answer and I apologise in advance if it makes me sound like a knob!

I am a very confident person, partly due to personality and mostly due to a lot of privilege in my life. I am smarter than average, if you use academics to define smartness (I can be pretty un-smart in other ways!); I have a STEM PhD from Oxbridge. I’ve suffered with social anxiety in the past, which was challenging but I basically just ignored it as irrational until it went away- the real challenge would have been if it had stayed, you can’t just “ignore” depression out of existence. I view mental health like I do physical health- you’ve got to help yourself as much as possible, whether that’s prioritising sleep, good food, or hoiking up your Big Girl Pants and telling someone you need help.

I’ve also seen a lot of people do stupid things or get things wrong, and there’s rarely a serious consequence. So I gamble on being able to make things work as I go. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

I don’t really view other people any particular way? As long as I think they are trying to help a good/sensible cause and doing their best, I’m positive and supportive. I go out of my way to support the juniors in my team at work, for example, and there’s no such thing as a stupid question.

Not sure how helpful all that is...!

I found that helpful. Thanks @Goosethemoose

Ahh sorry @MotionActivatedDog I didn't realise it wasn't a thing in NI. Definitely worth a conversation with your GP and looking at the ADHD self report scale first, too. I did it and nearly cancelled my appt because for most of what was on it, I couldn't understand how anyone didn't feel or behave that way. It was only after scoring 16/18 and giving it to my four closest friends who all scored 0 or 1 that I realised I might be onto something and there might be a real reason for struggling with stuff I should just get on with...

Thanks @Goosethemoose! You don't sound like a knob, you sound very frank and it was a helpful answer! Glad to know that at least some people with the advantage (whether natural or by circumstance) of quick thinking/action don't necessarily look down on us ditherers (ponderers?).

The most energetic people & productive people I ever met, whirlwinds, had something specific in common. I don't want to say what because MNers have huge prejudice about it, or will think I'm having a dig & share their prejudice. But anyway, yeah, I do think there's a certain amount of psychological crutch in their situation, that helps them to be so incredibly productive. They aren't 'normal'.

I have one of those super duper homes and am always organised and making Instagram worthy dinners etc, but the key is NOT having a routine.

Just large laundry hampers and a tumble dryer so that you can't tell at all how much is waiting to be processed, a cleaner, and a habit of putting things back when they're done with. Oh, and everything is one a direct debit. My clothes are a few pieces that fit me well with no attempt to keep up with fashion, which ironically makes you look more stylish.

The less I do, the less piles up.

Oh go on @lljkk do share! I’m wondering if it applies to me

People comment that I fit a lot in.

For what it is worth I would say

• lower your standards. Just do things well enough and quickly rather than trying to be perfect
• make use of tiny amounts of time.
• prioritise sleep, exercise, eating properly
• always have something you are procrastinating on. It’s a great way to make sure everything gets done!

Should say make sure everything else gets done not everything

If you have a hard task to do, do it first thing in the morning and get it over with.

Each time you move rooms, look around for something lying around that needs to move where you are going and take it with you.

Have a flat open box by your front door. As junk mail arrives, straight in the box for recycling. Same with envelopes.

I'm the former. People comment how amazing I am. I'm not really.

What would I say? There's a lot of paddling frantically under the water. There's a few low standards in there. There's a lack of sleep.

I definitely have very high resilience.

I'm currently in drowning mode, but I don't think anyone knows. So there's that too. I'll bounce back and be ok I'm sure.

I am lucky - enough money, no disabilities, no mental health issues, a nice house, job I love, friends I am lucky to have.

I think I’m the former, I have 3 kids (10, 7, 5months) and a nicely maintained house, (very clean, mostly tidy, basic DIY done, grass mowed, bathroom done every day, sheets once a week etc just to give a level!) play with the older two, at least once a day - board game/drawing or similar, make homemade food, do all household admin- husband works FT. Feed, nap, bath, play with baby, food shop et al.

I’m absolutely fucked to tell you the truth. I’m extremely organised, everything has its place, it’s use and I am on top of everything, but if I’m ill for a day or two then it falls into absolute ruin. I have barely any time to eat or even pee now it’s school holidays. I sleep as soon as the kids do because I’m so knackered I can barely keep my eyes open.

Also every day I go to bed feeling tremendous guilt that I haven’t done enough of one thing (cleaning/playing/baby/outside) and beat myself up about it all night!

Not all unicorns and rainbows, but this too will pass

Probably the former. So I've been told. But like others I have a reasonably good support network (although no family), but DH does his share. High pressured FT job. Cook from scratch. Keep up with life admin. Only one DC though.
Got long covid and essentially suffered total burnout. Needed to rebuild my life from scratch. Somehow managed to pull through that. So pretty resilient I suppose.
I don't make tons of lists but I do operate on the principle of trying to break big, overwhelming tasks into small chunks. If I just do a bit per day, that's enough. Just put one foot in front of the other when things are tough.
And looking after myself - baths, sleep, rest, etc. I don't do a lot of the unnecessary additional stuff . Things I would file under 'performance parenting'. I do what is important to my DC and our family.

@Photosymphysis

You know the saying "if you want something done, ask a busy person" - that's always been quite true for me.

The less I have to do, the less I get done. Lockdown last summer I had all the plans of how tidy my house was going to be, the online courses I'd do, etc. Didn't happen.

Back in work and juggling work, kids, school, my other job, kids clubs, my own hobby and the house is a better state, more things get done.

I need a stretch on my time to appreciate it. Being busy means I organise and plan better, including planning in rest and hobbies.

🤷‍♀️ It won't work for everyone though.

This 100%

I have made a study of how to be more organised from time to time (I am already organised but systems interest me and I'm a great believer in doing boring things quickly and efficiently to save time for more interesting stuff. Here are a couple of book recommendations: The Organized Mind and (if your headspace is taken up by family members who struggle to organise themselves): Smart but Scattered. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what important stuff ADHD child and (probably) ADHD DH may have forgotten or lost...

I get very anxious if I'm not on top of things. Our home has to be clean and tidy so I'm constantly doing it. I take days of work to focus on getting things done.

However, there is still stuff I need to do. I run out of steam after tea.

.

@lljkk

The most energetic people & productive people I ever met, whirlwinds, had something specific in common. I don't want to say what because MNers have huge prejudice about it, or will think I'm having a dig & share their prejudice. But anyway, yeah, I do think there's a certain amount of psychological crutch in their situation, that helps them to be so incredibly productive. They aren't 'normal'.

Am interested what this is

Someone I know just tires me out looking at everything she does! She is effectively a single parent to 2 young children but she is out with them every day, house is immaculate, works a few hours each day, has 2 dogs in addition to coping with a v poorly husband. Always planning and arranging trips with her DC plus finds time for entertaining friends/nights out. She really is inspiring but genuinely don't understand why we are so different!

Only thing I can think of is that those people who seem to have limitless energy and achieve stuff are extroverts whereas I am a complete introvert and lack energy and drive

1. An awful lot of forward planning - I try to be thinking 3 months ahead so that the present kind of runs itself because I sorted it all out ages ago.
2. Leaving "dead drops" of stuff from my present self to my future self in return - packing the suitcase with duplicate items weeks ahead so it can just be picked up, etc.
3. In the forward planning, starting off filling the space with the "big pebbles" (stuff I really want to achieve/goals) then the "small pebbles" (boring stuff I actually have to do) and then filling any space with "sand" (all the stuff I don't actually care about) - if there is no space for sand in the end, that's fine. If I don't plan ahead and book them in first, sand coming in from other people fills half the 'jar' and the big pebbles no longer all fit in.

@Claymorekick -- suppose it was heavy smokers. (It's not heavy smoking). But something that is typically viewed as a vice and has moral condemnation lumbered onto it.

And is a kind of psychological dependency, and a feature you'd expect to undermine not promote productivity. 60 posters would instantly reply to say how opposite the productive people they know are, would never dream of smoking, certainly are not amoral types how dare I insinuate that productive people are secretly bad people.

Just my experience. A surprise that maybe shouldn't be.

I think I’m like this / seen like this.

Lots of forward planning (which unfortunately means I get disproportionately stressed if I can’t forward plan).

Good at prioritising and “if this then that” type thinking.

Quite neurotic, which motivates me.

Financial means to throw at stuff (though I didn’t have these when younger and tbh planning the way I did made a massive difference to my financial security now).

I tend to do minimal effort maximum reward for a lot of household/home stuff - if an outfit suits me I wear it 3x a week or buy a duplicate, I’ll happily run the dishwasher stacked badly if it means surfaces are clean and most dishes come out ok, I cook food in huge quantities and either freeze a lot or eat repetitively, DD (happily) eats the same lunch at nursery every day so I can make it in three minutes flat. That sort of thing.

Lljkk so are you talking drink or drugs?

OP I am 60, work full time (high pressure role -usually 50 hpw), dc early/mid20s and at home at present but used to have them at schools in opposite directions. Also took professional qualifications when they were 7 and 10, around a full-time job. My house is immaculate, the garden is immaculate, the Christmas cards are done and posted by 1st December.

It's a combination I think.

I don't procrastinate
I get things done and don't worry too much although I do think through impact and outcome at work but most things can be resolved.
I have a three urgent things a day list and don't finish until they are done without significant justification.
Some of it's about planning - I always have a toiletry bag at the ready with enough drugs for two/three days.

whispers

BestZebbie I love the pebbles/sand analogy. I’m going to give that a go.

RosesandHellebores do you mind me asking what time you go to bed and get up?! I can’t imagine having achieved all you have by 6.50 am! And do you have any time for yourself/hobbies/socialising etc? Impressive level of adulting there!