How is it that some people can manage so well with lots on their plate and others struggle with just the basics?

[MotionActivatedDog]

I am the latter.

I struggle to maintain a basic consistent routine to my life. I achieve nothing. I do nothing well.

Yet I know people who have so much going on in their lives, dealing with things that are a lot harder than I have to deal with but they manage to have careers and buy houses and learn and travel and raise wonderful families in lovely homes.

I’m not for one second suggesting these people find it easy- I expect they struggle too.

Are you like these people? How to you manage to keep it all running? I feel like I’m constantly wading through honey with a very basic bare minimum life.

Usually in bed by 10.30. Hobbies are gardening and I suppose the house and cooking but we usually, in non covid times, go to the opera or theatre once a month and meet friends once a month for a dinner or party. Obviously some times of the year are busier than others. We also have a home in France that takes up admin time.

It doesn't take long at all if everything is kept tidy as you go along.

@RosesAndHellebores you sound very like my mum. She would leave for work at 6:30 and have the washing done, the lunches made, tidied the kitchen, herself showered and fed and her work bag made up. She went to bed around 9 most nights.

Last night I went up to bed at 9:15. I read for a bit and lights out at 10:00. Up at 7:30 this morning, took DS to work, walked the dog, have had my breakfast and I’m still a zombie. Im plodding around the house in a fog.

Fwiw I fully expected to turn into my mum when I became a mum. It never happened!

I have high resilience but this last year has just done me; too many crises too close together, with the last one being one of my children self harming with a blade after a year of most of her coping mechanisms being unavailable.

So now I have to step off the wheel for a break. DD has too many appointments for me to continue at Uni this year. My focus has to be on her.

Hoping to get a part time WFH job in my gap year. Unsure what exactly, but I’ll find my bearings.

@MotionActivatedDog my mum was like that too re everything organised early in the morning ... then out to work back at 7pm home cooked meal crazy whirlwind.
Unfortunately it caught up with her and she died young of an illness probably brought on by stress and burnout. She used alcohol as a crutch too. I kind of want to do things differently but I'm not sure how yet.

Oh I’m sorry to hear that @TiddleTaddleTat. My mum did/does drink but it never felt like it was a problem. She always seemed under pressure though. Never felt like she had time for us or even time to just switch herself off, smell the roses etc. There was always something being worked on in her head even when she was sitting down “relaxing”.

@TiddleTaddleTat that's rather salutary. I do have a couple of glasses of wine every evening with an occasional fortnight on the wagon but think some of my non working friends probably drink more.

I'm 61 so probably think start thinking about winding down but know DH won't because he really is a workaholic.

You are comparing the inside of your life with the outside of someone else's. Be kind to yourself. I'm sure you are doing a better job than you give yourself credit for.

@RosesAndHellebores @MotionActivatedDog

It was more than a couple of glasses of wine a night, and she was genetically predisposed to the disease that got her. But I often wonder if she would still be around had she had more time to herself to relax rather than using to alcohol as a way of de stressing.

I don't have a clue if this is the case for you - but anxiety was my reason. I started on sertraline back in January, and since it kicked in properly I can now deal with things a lot better, and multitask, and get things done. Before, I barely got anything done, and even the few things I did managed to somehow get on top of me!

Sorry for your loss TiddleTaddle

I remember you from the dark days of the long covid threads @TiddleTaddleTat. I hope you are fully recovered now. I still get the odd day of fatigue but am pretty much over it. Sorry about your mother

( speaking outside of disabilities / poor health )

I think it's greater mental resilience , which for others comes naturally .. some not so .

I have the career , and mortgage etc but I feel I swing from one crisis to the next - feel so overwhelmed with stress constantly and do struggle to even get up in a morning , eat healthily and even keep milk in the fridge .

I feel like I am almost rattling with stress some days trying to keep everything together.

Not sure if it's symptomatic of extreme stress , depression , adhd . Not sure at all but totally feel you 🤗

Compartmentalising things. That what I do. Once I'm doing a thing I focus on it fully, then on to the next thing and do that. I don't often think of other things when I am in a different box. It's a skill I have learned and I find it very helpful, certainly I get a lot done, and then once it's done I can shut it all away.

One thing this is not helpful for is dieting! I close the diet box then open the eating and drinking and relaxing box and I forget to be disciplined

I make lists of things which need to be done - small things or major things and I try to tick off a few each week. That stops you feeling as if you've achieved nothing/are overwhelmed. Anything ticked off is a win psychologically, no matter how small.

I have invested in some labour saving devices: robot vacuum, window vac, Instant Pot, smart plugs - so with less input/time from me, things happen.

Certain items are on subscription with Amazon Prime and just show up on a regular basis - TP, paper towels etc.

I spend some time each month on food prep - not full meals but preparing meal components which I portion (using ice cube trays or 1/2 cup, 1 cup silicone containers - so they come out as a block of the right size) and put into the freezer. So grated carrots, chopped celery, diced onions, sliced peppers etc. I make liberal use of frozen veg generally but this allows me to pull together meals quickly when I'm tired.

I have lists coming out my ears! I write everything down. I have so many duplicates of lists too because I seem to never get the lists done. So I then start again. Fresh list- same tasks I have different books for different lists. They’re all stacked in my desk, going back years incase I need the information in them. I do like a good list and it helps me to get the words out from my head to free up some space. But for me it doesn’t help a single bit WRT actually getting anything done.

@MotionActivatedDog

I have lists coming out my ears! I write everything down. I have so many duplicates of lists too because I seem to never get the lists done. So I then start again. Fresh list- same tasks I have different books for different lists. They’re all stacked in my desk, going back years incase I need the information in them. I do like a good list and it helps me to get the words out from my head to free up some space. But for me it doesn’t help a single bit WRT actually getting anything done.

The thing that made me finally pursue ADHD diagnosis (I'm 35) was reading that a very typical symptom in adult women is planning in great detail, making lists, etc, and being utterly unable to follow those plans and lists, without being able to explain why.

Thank you @hilariousnamehere, that’s exactly me.

Where are people finding cleaners? Our local independents are all booked to the rafters. I'm on a waiting list with 3 of them. Any tips appreciated!
OP a good nights sleep and a flexible job are what helps me. So for example on a wfh day I will get the robot hoover going, bake in my lunch hour and fold washing on conference calls! Cakes etc can be frozen. Weekends I plan for, farm, beach, walk etc picnic stuff on weekly shopping delivery and prepped the night before. Lots of easy quick meals like omelettes, stir fry, etc batch cook things like curry or bolognase.

Oh and I only have one list for home and one for work. They are on trello. The home list is shared with DH. But if you have adhd then you need to see a health professional. Tips on mumsnet won't fix this.

I recognise a lot of this - high stress role and lots of chronic health problems diagnosed recently linked to endo, Eds , pots etc. 3 kids one of whom has SEN. I volunteer in two different areas and take on too much. Kids do lots of clubs etc.
I have high natural resilience, and work quickly- very productive. I make lists and work through them fast. We have a cleaner. I don’t sweat the small stuff. House isn’t immaculate. I often cheat cook for the kids as they hate from scratch anyway. I take energy from high energy situations as I have a lot of pain/fatigue etc to manage.

Lists and being organised can only get you so far. I think those people that manage with lots on their plate do it because they have high resilience and can deal with a lot.

Outsourcing cleaning, gardening, childcare, ironing etc, making lists, being organised etc helps with the day to day tasks, but juggling children, job, relationships, friends, money worries, health issues, ageing parents, legal stuff, etc etc is about resilience I think.

fwiw I don't outsource anything and my house isn't immaculate, but I do and achieve an awful lot as a single parent. I am very resilient and strong. (This isn't a boast - I do have other faults, but resilience isn't one of them).

It's tricky! A really difficult balance. I've been through periods of burnout after working 90+ hour weeks. Now that I'm a single parent to two small children, I have to make sure work hours stay under control. I was diagnosed with ASD in my early 30s and understanding the impact of that has helped me to be less frustrated with myself and manage things better. As does having my anxiety properly medicated for the first time in my life!

I go through periods of obsession with certain things and no motivation at all for others. I try to let myself do this as long as the basics are covered: job done satisfactorily, children happy.

As a PP said I throw money at the problem too. I work in the City so juggling nursery and school drops etc is tricky. But I also have a nanny a few hours per week, a cleaner, a gardener.

Having an organised house means most things are easier to keep on top of, but longer-term projects do not get done. I've kind of accepted this will be the case until my children are older and don't need constant attention. The pile of washing etc never ends but that's life isn't it?

I used to always feel guilty if I just watched TV or read a book when things needed doing but I now know that I need downtime to be able to function so this isn't an optional extra or "lazy" it's as essential as all of the other "tasks".

Also: lots of wine!

@MotionActivatedDog

I am the latter.

I struggle to maintain a basic consistent routine to my life. I achieve nothing. I do nothing well.

Yet I know people who have so much going on in their lives, dealing with things that are a lot harder than I have to deal with but they manage to have careers and buy houses and learn and travel and raise wonderful families in lovely homes.

I’m not for one second suggesting these people find it easy- I expect they struggle too.

Are you like these people? How to you manage to keep it all running? I feel like I’m constantly wading through honey with a very basic bare minimum life.

I know someone with the most perfect looking house and I have no idea how she maintains it - some things just confound me! But I'm good at other things she wouldn't be. I guess we all have skills that others don't but maybe some people are just great at hiding it/showing it!

I wish I could say I was good at something @Polkadots2021 but honesty, I’m really not. There’s nothing I do well.