How is it that some people can manage so well with lots on their plate and others struggle with just the basics?

[MotionActivatedDog]

I am the latter.

I struggle to maintain a basic consistent routine to my life. I achieve nothing. I do nothing well.

Yet I know people who have so much going on in their lives, dealing with things that are a lot harder than I have to deal with but they manage to have careers and buy houses and learn and travel and raise wonderful families in lovely homes.

I’m not for one second suggesting these people find it easy- I expect they struggle too.

Are you like these people? How to you manage to keep it all running? I feel like I’m constantly wading through honey with a very basic bare minimum life.

I agree with HelenHywater. I think resilience has a great deal to do with it. Also, a just doing it mentality and a good memory. I use my inbox and calendar as lists in a way. Whilst I always make a shopping list I don't find them particularly helpful for other things except perhaps for holiday packing and paperwork but that's more of a checklist.

There are set things that have to be done daily, weekly, monthly, annually, etc. Laundry/dishwasher/putting away/tidying; bins/pay cleaner/supermarket shop; banking/cat food/car valet/; car and house insurance/gutter cleaning/fillet clothes for charity.

I've always found the idea of "resilience" a bit disturbing. Some people appear to be resilient because they've never really had any particularly difficult issues to deal with in life, comparatively. Or because they have a very strong support network around them which makes it far easier to be resilient even if something tragic happens.

Whereas for others, what appears to be resilience is actually the result if traumatic childhoods which have necessitated being able to carry on whatever happens, to bury feelings in an unhealthy way. So on the surface everything looks fine but underneath is turmoil.

Outwardly you might not be able to tell the difference between these two groups if you don't know the people really, really closely.

@BeserkRobot

I've always found the idea of "resilience" a bit disturbing. Some people appear to be resilient because they've never really had any particularly difficult issues to deal with in life, comparatively. Or because they have a very strong support network around them which makes it far easier to be resilient even if something tragic happens.

Whereas for others, what appears to be resilience is actually the result if traumatic childhoods which have necessitated being able to carry on whatever happens, to bury feelings in an unhealthy way. So on the surface everything looks fine but underneath is turmoil.

Outwardly you might not be able to tell the difference between these two groups if you don't know the people really, really closely.

this ^

@BeserkRobot I agree re. resilience. I think it feeds into the stiff upper lip, get on with it, bury your feelings mentality that I don't think is very helpful long term. In countries that have more of a collective approach (rather than our individualistic one), resilience is not an individual characteristic but a process understood to be the responsibility of a community.
I agree too that for some, 'resilience' is more about keeping going when things are difficult, not having or expecting to have the support from others that you need - perhaps you've never had it.

ADHD (& huge chunks of time lost to Tik Tok)

What works for me is simplifying my life.

I use my outlook work calendar for all my appointments and as a to do list for work and family stuff. Just put the family stuff under 'private' so only I can see it. No other calendars, diaries, lists.

I've learned to say no. I'm happy to do my share of housework/ giving DC lifts and like to meet up with friends but I can feel it getting overwhelming sometimes and then I have to say no to meet-ups or DC requesting lifts/ extra activities.

Our house is never really clean or tidy, but it's perfectly fine to live in (no cleaner).

My life used to be more exciting and more of a whirlwind of social activities, films, full on work and it burned me out. Now it's probably much more boring looking in from the outside, but actually I feel happier and less stressed.

Am I resilient? About average I think. The most important thing for me is NOT doing stuff rather than doing more stuff, if that makes sense.

@BestZebbie

1) An awful lot of forward planning - I try to be thinking 3 months ahead so that the present kind of runs itself because I sorted it all out ages ago. 2) Leaving "dead drops" of stuff from my present self to my future self in return - packing the suitcase with duplicate items weeks ahead so it can just be picked up, etc. 3) In the forward planning, starting off filling the space with the "big pebbles" (stuff I really want to achieve/goals) then the "small pebbles" (boring stuff I actually have to do) and then filling any space with "sand" (all the stuff I don't actually care about) - if there is no space for sand in the end, that's fine. If I don't plan ahead and book them in first, sand coming in from other people fills half the 'jar' and the big pebbles no longer all fit in.

Great way of putting it!

[quote TiddleTaddleTat]@BeserkRobot I agree re. resilience. I think it feeds into the stiff upper lip, get on with it, bury your feelings mentality that I don't think is very helpful long term. In countries that have more of a collective approach (rather than our individualistic one), resilience is not an individual characteristic but a process understood to be the responsibility of a community.
I agree too that for some, 'resilience' is more about keeping going when things are difficult, not having or expecting to have the support from others that you need - perhaps you've never had it.[/quote]
Exactly. Some people appear to function ok with little support simply because they've never had any. Doesn't make it a good thing!

Do the posters who get loads done take time to relax each evening? When I was commuting to work and had young dcs I didn't really have time to relax of an evening. I would do cleaning and tidying when dcs were in bed. I couldn't keep this up as I felt I could cry if something small got misplaced and I felt snappy and irritable. I just had to take one hour each evening to sit with a cup of tea. I just did decluttering and dusting less often. I admire people who do not need this time. I also have to get 8 hours sleep each night. If I get less, due to house tasks or socialising, I make mistakes at work, so staying up late to get more time is a false economy.

I work fulltime and have no cleaner. 2 dcs. I have them in activities but I rarely socialise myself. I exercise at lunchtime. I clean and dust but the windows, skirting etc get done a lot less often.

I think that if a person can't complete their job in 5 days, they should move jobs or tell someone and get their workload adjusted. Doing 6 days work long term means there is little time to rest or do housework and can lead to burnout.

When I want something I plan a way to get it. I am so driven and so resilient because I had a really deprived childhood and want my child to have everything. I have autoimmune conditions, disability, but I refuse to let them limit me. I think this might be a family trait as I have family with severe disabilities who have also managed to get what they want.

@User1471554720 - no I don't really relax much. I got home last night at 9.15, cooked dinner for three of us (DH was only just in) and was in bed by 10.30. But this morning, I've just had 30 minutes over my tea and am leaving slightly later than usual but will still be in by 9.

There's no way DH and I could complete our jobs in 5 days, 9-5, and nor would we want to. We do both agree however that as we get older, we need a bit more down time at weekends than we are used to.

I massively value my free time so I organise my life so I have say, really busy periods which may appear stressful to others, but I get lots of down time after.

So this week I've been really busy with my business but I've crammed everything in so I'm done by 3pm - that means I can finish work, get home and be showered by 3.30 and then I have 3.30-11pm to do whatever I want with no stresses.

I even do all the housework before leaving home in the morning so I can come home and know I have nothing to do that day.

There's also prioritisation and time management. Delivery charge re something bought regularly v the time it takes to go to the shop and the parking fee. If it costs £3 to park and takes over an hour then £4.50 is money well spent.

I had a full on job before my 1st baby. Whilst emotionally having a baby was mind-blowing, the jobs, except for the endless breastfeeding, didn't take much time. Get washed and dressed (baby cried in carry cot next to me), change baby 8 times a day (5/10 minutes tops), bath baby every 2/3 day 30 mins, put things away as they were used (routine and not hard). Bung on a wash, unload dishwasher. Perhaps I was immune to crying but I honestly couldn't believe how much time I had on my hands.

Pre dcs I worked a lot and didn't mind. I had dcs at 37 and 40. Maternity leave was like a long holiday for me. I struggled when dcs were toddlers. I was always either working or minding dcs. It was hard to clean and do a food shop while minding them. I never had a cleaner. Dh does outside work but I do all inside. I never had help outside of the 5day minder. I had to take hols to get a haircut, bra fitting.

Even though I only worked 40 hours a week, the days were long with the commute. As dcs are older I am getting some time back again. However I am nearly 50 now so don't have loads of energy. Also dcs have matches a few times a week where I have to travel. I keep on top of the house a bit more easily now but I don't waste time meeting friends often etc.