Rubbish holiday

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

I don’t know why I am posting really - just stuck in bed and feeling so miserable. Dh and I were worked so hard last year and our relationship has really suffered through the pandemic. I booked three weeks in the UK with our two children just so we could be somewhere else and reset a bit. And it’s awful. During the first week, I had some work stuff to wrap up and DH had to job interviews. Kids decided about a week into the holiday to start going to sleep at 10pm. We are now at the end of week two. Dh and I are exhausted. I have a stomach bug or food poisoning and I am stuck in bed. Dh got rejected from one job but the other one really wants him - he just had to get through a psychometric test. He tried to do it this evening while I was sick in bed. Naturally the kids played up and he got locked out of the test. He is now stomping around and shouting. The toddler is in bed with me. I would just go home (dh wants to) but it’s ds’s birthday on Wednesday and everything is organised here not at home - so we really can’t. I can’t believe the holiday has gone so wrong. We’ve had some nice-ish times but we are both so tired and have to go back to 50-60 hour working weeks. I feel like it might break us. 😢

Hope you're feeling better? IME 3 weeks away is too long with young children. A week or 10 days is fine.

So your marriage is on the rocks, you are both exhausted and working yourselves to the bone to bring home enough money to cover your expenses, you both know your current situation isn't working, you can't spend even a week with sole charge of your children without it being 'rubbish' but private school is a necessity?

A third of people in this country can't afford to go on 'staycations' (this very term is offensive and elitist as it marks holidays in the home country as somehow less than foreign ones. A third of people in this country can't afford a static caravan in Rhyl for a long weekend.

It's very interesting to me how other people live their lives.

Agree with this. It sounds like your MIL got it right. She probably had a less stressful life and more successful holidays.

. 1950s calling or what? If anyone should be the SAHP, it's the OH's husband and then she could concentrate on going for partnership.

Another lawyer here. I spent years at a big city firm. I had children too.

It finally got to be too much. I was constantly worried about both work and family. That affected my motivation to get out there and hustle to start bringing in clients. I was also finding it hard to stay at the office into the evening to get the billable hours up.

I finally left and started working in public sector labour relations. I loved it. Building relationships with the entire community, and doing mediation/arbitration work. No more junioring, I was doing. There were some outrageous long hours when collective bargaining but we had compensatory time off. No superhuman effort expected.

I finished my career on an adjudication position (quasi judicial). The work was hard but it suited me and if you knuckled down when working you could get the required work done.

I learned private practice is not the only way.

You may be different OP but you also might want to look at options. For me, I still worked hard but that constant worry went away.

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore

Everything *@GoldBar* says is why we made the decision to go private!

Except that you also have a child in nursery and a nanny. If your nanny is picking up your younger child, why can't she look after your older one too?

£3k is a paltry amount to have to spend on holidays for a family of 4 with 2 parents earning 6 figure salaries.

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore I get that working crazy hours means that takeaway are a very convenient thing too. Is there any possibility that a weekend morning is used for massive batch cooking which can then be used to build up a freezer supply of your own ready meals? We do this as we both work full time with teenage DTs that have a full on out of hours sports commitments. Deliveries and takeaways are great but we use them as the treat not the norm.

Except that you also have a child in nursery and a nanny. If your nanny is picking up your younger child, why can't she look after your older one too?

£3k is a paltry amount to have to spend on holidays for a family of 4 with 2 parents earning 6 figure salaries.

Yes to both things.

"My dh was an IDIOT to try to do the online tests tonight."

Well, it wasn't the best decision.

To do such a thing you need to be quiet, alone, not distracted, either tonight was not the best time to do it or he could've taken himself somewhere else or waited until you are well and the children were in activity, or so many different scenarios. or sit the children down and say daddy has got something very very important to do you can't disturb him, they're three and six, they can and really should understand that. With hindsight a number of things could've been done to avoid this.

Nor was a 3 week holiday. In fact many many of the decisions, with hindsight, you will realise have not been wise ones.

There’s no way I could max out my spending to the extent that I was only left for £3k for holidays and our income is comfortable but way lower than yours. There has to be a rethink somewhere. Your current lifestyle just isn’t working on any level.

[quote LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]@Hoppinggreen Ah, I see. We do talk about Norfolk quite a bit as it’s so much cheaper and my family are there. But I (not dh, obvs as he is a hermit!) have such an amazing network of friends where we are. And my ds love school - which seems like a miracle to me as I hated school most of the time! It is still a very tempting idea…[/quote]
Come up to Leeds
Loads of Law firms, you will be able to get a fantastic house in a great area for half the money. If you can’t find a good State school Private will be much cheaper (mine were around £10k a year each at Secondary).
We have a Harvey Nics now and if it all got too much for you Harrogate is very very naice!
I appreciate it’s a huge leap and I am (sort of) joking but maybe it’s time for drastic action. You just seem so trapped in the Rat Race OP and it’s just not worth it for any of you

It really isn't City Lawyer or Nothing. Really it isn't!

You say money=security. Total understand why you would feel this and the background.

But it doesn't. In fact you have used your money to tie you into a rat race which is making you feel increasingly frantic and is rocking and chopping away at the things that REALLY make us feel secure in life - relationships.

People are right to say don't throw it all away but it is not a binary choice. Really it isn't. You can have a good work life balance and still have a well paid professional role. It won't be stratospheric. Maybe you won't be able to afford the "best" schools but people go to ordinary schools and do well. Life is brilliant up north - come to Leeds, come to Manchester! Good national law firms and MUCH better culture than in the city.

I got in a right panic that when all my university friends were signing up for private education for their kids that we in no way could afford this. In fact I felt that I was letting my children down.

Of course you can never see the wood for the trees and my therapist kindly pointed out that I had got to Cambridge from my ordinary state school and doubtless my bright and well adjusted son and daughter would be able to do well also in whatever way they wanted to pursue.

Oh - I see @Hoppinggreen has just said pretty much everything I said!

3 weeks is a long time to be on holiday if you've other things going on in your life. We've never done more than 2 and we've always found that a bit of a trial the few times we've done it. Whatever your job/responsibilities etc., you really can't just "switch off" and ignore things for 3 weeks. It sounds like the timing has been really bad with your OH applying for jobs at the same time as a holiday which has made things worse. Maybe think about 2 shorter holidays next time, say for 7-10 days each. That way you can "really" switch off each time and concentrate on the holiday.

OP I’m GC for a listed MNC, so I get it. Although my DC are older than yours.

I never switch off and this year, despite the fact I haven’t travelled so theoretically have far better work/life balance, has been relentlessly grim because there’s been nothing to break it up.

Your career stage is difficult: You’re not earning enough for it to be plain sailing but certainly enough that you feel you should be coping. Nor do you have flexibility and autonomy that comes with increased seniority.

Combined with your DC being young (and the dog?! What the hell are you thinking???!) it’s a lot. But it does get easier.

In terms of holidays I’ve been taking shorter more regularly and it’s been really helpful. A lot more stuff can be pushed back 5 days v 15.

@Bumpsadaisie

Oh - I see *@Hoppinggreen* has just said pretty much everything I said!

Great minds and all that!

A week’s holiday never really works… but I have learned that neither does 3! I guess 10-14 days max?

I genuinely love my job, love my team, mentor junior lawyers who I really care about, I am really involved in graduate recruitment and developing work in a sector which I am really interested in and which aligns with a growth area for the firm. The only alternatives I can think of that could work for me are a less pressurised London firm or a regional firm. I have done secondments and I don’t think in-house is for me. Also dh is in-house and is miserable.

What is ‘normal’ holiday budget? 🤔🤔🤔 I always thought it made more sense to spend money on making day-to-day life easier but I think, probably as a result of the pandemic, day-to-day life has been so rubbish that no amount of money would have made it ok!

Although, we just haven’t spent that much on holidays since we had kids… never more than £3k per year… and we mostly holiday at grandparents’ houses.

Is holidaying with the GP really a break? That sounds exhausting too, especially for your DH?

If the GP are hands on with the DC could you leave them with the GP for 1-2 nights and have a break the two of you a few times per year?

A weeks holiday works if you are brutal about saying you’re ooo and don’t indulge people who just want a “quick ten mins”. Provided you wrap up on Friday in good time, it’s 9 days - HBR just ran an interesting article re hols that stated that i) you reach peak relaxation on day 8 and ii) regardless of how long your holiday is stress levels return with a couple of days of return no matter how many days off you’ve had.

As for budget I think you budget is small but it depends what you can afford. No use making more stress for yourself.

When DC we’re young I prioritised taking our nanny or holidays with good kids camp: Mark Warner was always a winner.

Now DC are older I throw money at eating out (we’ve just done a weeks self catering where I didn’t self cater at all!) and activities that keep my boys busy as they (v the girls) are one of the stress points.

It's one thing to live a chaotic life if everyone is thriving, but it doesn't sound like you all are. You've outsourced so much of your life, your marriage is fragile and your DS doesn't understand the concept of parents looking after their own children...if it was me I'd be looking for a different career path or agree with DH for him to be a SAHP (as he wants to take a step back from work). Less income, but less outgoings and you keep the job you love.

Yes 10 to 14 works

Agree with pp you need to do more luxury than grandparents

A proper couple of weeks relaxation. With some hours in the day break from dc.

If you can increase budget and keep all rest then fine

I wouldn’t leave your job, no way. You like it and it’s important to you

Your dh though hates his, would he make a change?

@RandomMess Great for me - not great for dh irrespective of whether it’s my parents or his…

@MrsMcTats I can’t say I love the idea of being the sole breadwinner though. Maybe it’s all my fears of ppl losing jobs / getting sick etc or actually what would happen if we did get divorced…. but I have always wanted both dh and me to work and both of us to look after the kids when we aren’t working… but maybe that’s just not realistic.

I do school drop off and pick up on Mondays and Fridays. I am there every morning and for every bath and bedtime. I am there all weekend. I spend five weeks a year of holiday with my dc and every Friday during school holidays. I feel like that’s fairly normal for a working parent?

I would spend £3-4K on a week-long good holiday rather than a 3 week shit one.

But also I would spend a much bigger chunk of my income on holidays. Even if you both earned 100k on the nose, you're spending 1.5% of your gross on holidays. Even if you doubled that, it's still a drop in the ocean.

I feel so sorry for you. It all sounds like such a bloody hamster wheel. And being ill Easter and now is going to really take its toll

Thanks @Clymene. I really appreciate the sympathy!

I am feeling less sick today and the three year old menace has gone to sleep before 10pm. I also got the last Paw Patrol birthday cake in Sainsburys! Maybe my luck is beginning to turn… 🤞🤞🤞

But I still need to have a really big think about everything… many, many thoughts!

I do school drop off and pick up on Mondays and Fridays. I am there every morning and for every bath and bedtime. I am there all weekend.

I think this is your problem OP, you’re there too much and not really present for it all if that makes sense.

I’m not a lawyer but work on a lot of transactions. I actually found committing to working late a couple of nights a week actually worked best for me, helped me clear the slate a bit more, so on the days I did get home for bedtime I was a lot more present and relaxed and we all enjoyed it a lot more. We tried to make it so that one of us was home for bedtime if we could but I certainly wasn’t going to beat myself up about it if the nanny put the kids to bed a few nights a month.

Totally off topic, we really enjoyed the Paw Patrol cake from Sainsbury's (nephew's lockdown birthday in park). Unless it's a bad batch, you're onto a winner there .