Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

My childhood diaries were read and mocked - how can I get over this to begin journaling again?

109 replies

wontkillmyvibe · 20/07/2021 09:34

My mum used to read my diaries while I was growing up. I thought this was normal behaviour, although looking back I knew deep down that it was wrong and made me feel controlled, silly, unable to authentically express myself, uncomfortable, betrayed...all the negative stuff.

Recently we were having a clear out and my mum found my diaries and sat down reading them. Occasionally she would read out a line here and there and have a laugh. Fine.

But I could feel my face get hot and the panic rising when she prized open a tiny diary that had a tiny plastic padlock on it. She got to a page where I had been so upset over the news of my dad remarrying, I had ripped the paper with my pencil as I had written stuff down. I remember the hurt I felt that day so well...it still hurt. But what hurt even more was that she sat there and mocked me, she thought it was hilarious that I had ripped the paper. I ended up telling her that it was a really bad time in my life and it wasn't funny and I took the diary, and all my diaries, and binned them. She apologised profusely afterwards but the damage was done.

I have wanted to journal all my adult life but I feel such panic when I even think about it, I don't know where to start. Whenever I have started in the past, I always end up throwing them away in case anyone sees. I always restrict what I write in case anyone sees. I wish I could write freely and confidently and keep my diaries so I can look back and see how far I've come in my life.

My husband bought me a lovely note pad and said I stopped writing for the wrong reasons, and has assured me he will never look, and I believe him 100% but I have this blockage. I am getting hot in the face just typing this out. I was humiliated by my mum and the thought of someone reading my private thoughts and laughing at them are too much.

But I find writing stuff down so cathartic (even this is helping...even if no one reads it at least I got it out) and I desperately want to stop this bloackage and start writing.

Can anyone help in any way? Has anyone had similar experiences? I guess I just need to chew the cud on it in the hopes it results in me picking up pen and paper.

OP posts:
HugoToWin · 20/07/2021 09:39

What about starting in a word document to build confidence, or locking it in a filing cabinet.

terrywynne · 20/07/2021 09:41

Would it help to start by writing down all your thoughts and feelings around your mother and her actions (which were horrible and just nasty)? You could then throw that diary away and see it as a form of catharsis before you start "properly".

Or maybe start by just recording neutral information that you wouldn't mind people reading ie: what you did that day, notable events going on in the world etc and build up confidence to write your thoughts? I have kept diaries/journals for years and sometimes they are full of thoughts and emotions but other times I prefer to just note what we got up to.

CoffeeWithCheese · 20/07/2021 09:44

Journal about other stuff - mine have newspaper articles in, pictures of daft stuff the kids have done, random doodles as well as more personal stuff if I feel the need. Sometimes I just do hand lettering quotes in them or song lyrics or the like - sometimes I just do a complete dump of all the crap that's going through my brain at the moment.

Original poster
wontkillmyvibe · 20/07/2021 09:44

Hugo thank you for replying - actually I have done a few scrappy bits of writing on word, but its a work laptop and I am just paranoid that somehow someone can see it. Also I can't seem to get any structure on what I write. Its all over the place, very confused. Makes me think I can't really do it.

A locked cabinet might also be an idea

OP posts:
Original poster
wontkillmyvibe · 20/07/2021 09:46

teryywyne and coffeewithcheese

Thank you both. Really useful posts...because I am struggling with what I am supposed to write, I have so many dark thoughts about my past, so much has happened, I have such complex emotions etc etc...I needed to hear that...I don't need to start with the heavy stuff

OP posts:
Original poster
wontkillmyvibe · 20/07/2021 09:48

or starting with my mother and throwing it away...great idea.

I am so consumed with worry that she will know my secret thoughts...I don't live with her but I was really worried about buying a book entitled "difficult mothers, adult daughters" in case she saw the book in my bedside drawer when she came to visit - so I had to download kindle and buy it as an e-book instead...ridiculous

OP posts:
Mariamariaaa · 20/07/2021 09:51

I'm so sorry your mother did this to you. This is just horrendous. No wonder you're struggling with this now. How could she have thought that was okay?!

Guavafish · 20/07/2021 09:51

I think your mum is ridiculous… she probably doesn’t realise how hurtful her behaviour! I think you should let her know how upset it has been.

These events occurred as a child, you had no control. Now your an adult - no one will look at your journals unless you want them too.

Don’t continue living your life in fear and regret

AnnaMagnani · 20/07/2021 09:51

You could start on a word document and delete it or lock it?

Or start by writing very bland things about your day rather than immediately piling in to the emotions?

One key would be to acknowledge that your husband is not your mother, you are not a child any more and you have a different relationship with him. Presumably he was horrified by your mum's behaviour? Hang on to this.

I'd also have a think about what activities you want to do with your mum going forward. It sounds like when you involved her in having a clear out, she still saw herself as an adult supervising a child, not two adults together. You need to work on your boundaries there and being an adult in the relationship.

terrywynne · 20/07/2021 09:57

because I am struggling with what I am supposed to write

Honestly, this is your journal, you write what you want and ignore anyone who tells you there is a way you are supposed to write a journal/diary. Write what you are comfortable with in a way that meets your needs.

And I totally get the anxiety about things you don't want people to see (not my mother in my case though). I hide things in bottom of clothes drawers and have a kindle for books I don't want people to see I've bought.

Spottysausagedogs · 20/07/2021 10:02

I'm really sorry but your mum does sound very difficult actually, she doesn't seem to have appropriate boundaries with you for a start off, prising a lock off a diary, and you worry she will go through your bedside drawers? And you don't even live together? That would be inappropriate with even a young teen, let alone an adult living away. My heart goes out to you that you have been brought up with this attitude, and the mocking is also just horrid Flowers
I think you need to work on setting and holding boundaries with her, in addition to journalling. This should go hand in hand. Dont involve her in clear-outs. Maybe get some kind of lock safe to put your diary into so you can feel secure. You have every right to privacy, even with writings from the past.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 20/07/2021 10:02

You could try writing completely bland facts about your day (went to tesco, work photocopier has broken again, lovely sunny day) until writing in your journal feels like a 'safe' activity again, and then start adding serious/emotional stuff at whatever rate you're comfortable with.

I'm sorry your mum did that to you, she was entirely in the wrong and you don't have to forgive her unless you'd find it helpful to you.

ImaginaryCat · 20/07/2021 10:08

She broke the lock on a journal in front of adult you?!?! Unforgivable. Her sorries count for nothing after that.

EBearhug · 20/07/2021 10:09

My mother read my diary and thought it fine to broadcast around town. I learnt to write in code.

msby · 20/07/2021 10:31

How about writing how you feel and then hiding it with art? I’ve done this in the past and found it helped, especially as I knew nobody could see. I’ve even shown people my work, safe in the knowledge my feelings were concealed in layers of paint, paper and glue.

Art journaling is something I’ve really come to enjoy, although since I discovered it was an actual ‘thing’ I’ve probably spent more time on YouTube watching others do it than I have creating my own!

grey12 · 20/07/2021 10:33

My brother was snooping around my desk and found a list of my platonic crushes Blush and he and my mum made fun of me, analysing each one and wtv. It was horrid. My dad had to shout at them to stop. Sad

As a parent I think it may be important to check to make sure your children are safe, but never comment on what they write!! Ever!! Your mother was very wrong to make fun of you.

I assume you don't live with her anymore? Your words are safe from her

Branleuse · 20/07/2021 10:34

your mother should not have done that to you :(

DoorAjar · 20/07/2021 10:36

It’s your over-involved relationship with your mother that strikes me from your posts, OP. While I get (and deplore) a parent reading their child’s diary in secret, you say that recently ‘we’ were having a clear out and your mother sat down and read deeply personal material from your diaries in front of you and, despite feeling humiliated and violated, you let her? Why?

It sounds as if there’s something very wrong there.

Ekerty72 · 20/07/2021 10:39

Hiya check out 750 words. I use it every day to get stuff down. It has really motivated me to write more. It's £3 per month but completely private and you can access from anywhere! Their tag line is "unfiltered, spontaneous and private"

Original poster
wontkillmyvibe · 20/07/2021 10:56

sorry everyone I am in a meeting, I will come back to read and reply later. thanks all xx

OP posts:
Namechangeforthisquestion7 · 20/07/2021 11:02

What hurtful behaviour from your mother! Bad enough to read them when you were young but worse as an adult.
My suggestion: try doing short voice recordings to begin with. Whether you keep them or delete them doesn't matter. I started doing this as a way to offload because I also struggled with writing. It got me into a flow of extracting thoughts from my mind.

iknowimcoming · 20/07/2021 11:25

Great suggestions here already with regard to the journaling, but I wanted to add that I really feel you should seek some counselling/therapy to help you work through your relationship with your mother both when you were a child and now. I really do mean this kindly, but it sounds like you might not fully appreciate how damaging this has been for you Thanks

smudgemylife · 20/07/2021 11:29

I journal away about everything and anything, deep dark secrets to the weather that day.
Then when I've got everything down on paper I rip the page out, tear it up and throw it away in the bin.
The whole point of journaling (to me) is the brain dump element of just getting all those thoughts out and it doesn't even have to be in a coherent or linear way. There is no reason or purpose for ever going back and reading them, so I bin them.
Don't know if this might work for you but its an option.

Smorgasbored0000 · 20/07/2021 12:22

Hi OP, my mum was the same growing up, until I learned not to write my thoughts down because I knew she would end up reading them. It’s actually given me a real issue as an adult with trust and I’ve become quite a secretive person, particularly with family. My suggestion would be a word doc with password protection.

grey12 · 20/07/2021 12:27

@Namechangeforthisquestion7

What hurtful behaviour from your mother! Bad enough to read them when you were young but worse as an adult. My suggestion: try doing short voice recordings to begin with. Whether you keep them or delete them doesn't matter. I started doing this as a way to offload because I also struggled with writing. It got me into a flow of extracting thoughts from my mind.
That seems like a good idea. I might get on to it ;)

Also if you have a big problem you can't really tell anyone, you can always name change and tell us at MN Smile ranting to strangers can be quite freeing