My childhood diaries were read and mocked - how can I get over this to begin journaling again?

[wontkillmyvibe]

My mum used to read my diaries while I was growing up. I thought this was normal behaviour, although looking back I knew deep down that it was wrong and made me feel controlled, silly, unable to authentically express myself, uncomfortable, betrayed...all the negative stuff.

Recently we were having a clear out and my mum found my diaries and sat down reading them. Occasionally she would read out a line here and there and have a laugh. Fine.

But I could feel my face get hot and the panic rising when she prized open a tiny diary that had a tiny plastic padlock on it. She got to a page where I had been so upset over the news of my dad remarrying, I had ripped the paper with my pencil as I had written stuff down. I remember the hurt I felt that day so well...it still hurt. But what hurt even more was that she sat there and mocked me, she thought it was hilarious that I had ripped the paper. I ended up telling her that it was a really bad time in my life and it wasn't funny and I took the diary, and all my diaries, and binned them. She apologised profusely afterwards but the damage was done.

I have wanted to journal all my adult life but I feel such panic when I even think about it, I don't know where to start. Whenever I have started in the past, I always end up throwing them away in case anyone sees. I always restrict what I write in case anyone sees. I wish I could write freely and confidently and keep my diaries so I can look back and see how far I've come in my life.

My husband bought me a lovely note pad and said I stopped writing for the wrong reasons, and has assured me he will never look, and I believe him 100% but I have this blockage. I am getting hot in the face just typing this out. I was humiliated by my mum and the thought of someone reading my private thoughts and laughing at them are too much.

But I find writing stuff down so cathartic (even this is helping...even if no one reads it at least I got it out) and I desperately want to stop this bloackage and start writing.

Can anyone help in any way? Has anyone had similar experiences? I guess I just need to chew the cud on it in the hopes it results in me picking up pen and paper.

My mother did the same to me when I was younger. If she comes to my house now, everything written or any mail goes in a locked suitcase, I still don't trust her.
Could you write a little bit about each day until it starts feeling more natural again?

I think a private blog is an excellent idea, but to be honest, I would caution against publishing at least right now fictionalised autobiographical work that is clearly deeply personal and painful, because you are opening yourself up to having people offering critical reviews, whether well-meant on lit crit grounds, or just anonymous keyboard warrior stuff. Which is a manageable side effect if you're writing fiction you have a certain amount of distance from, but not for someone writing stuff that's directly autobiographical and painful, and who has been humiliated by being read in the past.

Keep it for yourself for the moment, at least until you've got a handle on the material and got the mother situation more under control.

OP my heart goes out to you x my mum did the same thing to me when I was a teenager, I had wrote really incredibly personal things and she brought it all up in an argument and I felt so ashamed , that had been my outlet to get rid of all the angst I was feeling and going through at the time. A few years later my DS read through another diary that I kept which was also were I needed to write all the terrible feelings I had about an abusive relationship I was in.( My DS didn't even live with me which made it 100 times worse) I loved keeping dairies but i felt that I couldn't trust anyone to keep their snooping noses out of it.
HOWEVER!! I think your DH sounds very supportive and the fact he has promised you he won't even read it is lovely and should reassure you. Are you concerned about your mum going through your things anyway, does she have access to your house when you are not there,

Ds I mean here Dear sister not Dear son !

I actually think I would read my childrens diary sometimes as a parent you need to know things that are happening in their lives and imagine if something awful was happening to them that they couldn't tell you and this was the only way I could find out then I would be glad that I had read it. But I would never ever bring it up as ammunition in a row or use it against them somehow.

You could learn teeline shorthand (it's a lot easier than Pitman) www.teelineshorthand.org/ and do the locked cabinet if you fancied. Morning Pages, based on The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron might be useful - and there are lots of online writing zoom sessions if you want some accountability (you can switch the camera off)

I'm appalled that she would even contemplate doing that, it is a total invasion of privacy. Nasty.

I find it incredible that anyone would read someones private diary! Even children(unless there was a valid concern about their safety maybe) Your Mum seems to be treating you as part friend /part confidante! She has obviously got issues with your DF ,but it is unfair to load them on to you. Please write a journal again if you want to .I find it incredible that she would look in your drawer now you are an adult! Where are her boundaries FFS! Maybe get a Safe ? They are a good idea anyway for passports and so on .You can keep it locked away .

I haven't run away from the thread I am reading each and every post, but I'm overwhelmed with realisation and also with the support I'm getting from you lovely people. I wish I could reply to each person individually. I will continue to re read all the posts as it gives me a lot of comfort and also practical advise. Thank you x

As pps suggest you can write in a locked document on the PC. I did this to work through childhood abuse. Another advantage I found over writing by hand is that you can just rattle away at the keyboard getting things out of your system and it doesn't matter about spelling mistakes etc. You can vent as much as you like and only you will see it.

I don't necessarily agree with throwing it away immediately afterwards though, as reading it back once you've calmed down can enable you to see behaviour patterns ie your mum trampling on your boundaries and you feeling unable to stop her, and to work out how to deal with it better.
TBH though I feel it's unlikely to be the only time your mum has treated you badly and maybe this is something you could think about. Good luck xx

@Ekerty72

Hiya check out 750 words. I use it every day to get stuff down. It has really motivated me to write more. It's £3 per month but completely private and you can access from anywhere! Their tag line is "unfiltered, spontaneous and private"

I came to say this too, it's brilliant and I've been using it since 2013 :)

Will check it out thank you

It's not the only time my mum treated me badly. Memories are surfacing at a frequent rate and it is really hard to process as I buried it deep and didn't want to admit to myself that the hero in my story didn't actually treat me very well

I think if you believe your child is in serious danger (e.g. being groomed, planning suicide) then their privacy is less important than keeping them safe. For anything less, reading a diary takes away both a coping mechanism and a supportive patent, and likely does much more harm than help. If you're worried about your child you need to work to convince them they can trust you, not take a shortcut and prove that they can't.

How mean, I'd have ripped them away from her and sent her home.
Surely as a grown up in your own home you call the shots.
I'm confused as to why you allowed it tbh.

I did rip them off her and threw them in the bin, in front of her face, while telling her she was out of order. I couldn't throw her out because it was her house...I was moving out. Packing stuff up and clearing stuff out.

When you have been brought up knowing no different its impossible to see exactly what is happening. I realise it must be confusing...I am confused myself. I can only put it down to having been abused my whole life and not knowing what boundaries are, never mind implementing them.

I would only violate the sanctity of a journal if I believed my child was in real, imminent danger.

Don’t use a work laptop for writing, even if the site you are saving at is private. Your employer could actually have the ability to see anything you are doing on your work computer.

If you have a personal computer you can also encrypt files with a password if you don’t want to use a service.

For a physical journal, a small safe or firebox with a lock would be easy for you to access, but provide your the physical barrier that might let your creativity flow.

@Smorgasbored0000

No, I don’t believe there is ever a reason to read someone’s journal, even a child’s. Creating open channels of communication without going behind their backs and reading their private thoughts is a much better option IMO. Everyone, even children, are entitled to a certain level of privacy, and an invasion of that will have a detrimental impact on a parent child relationship forever. Having had a parent ransack my bedroom for many years growing up and read every single thought I’d ever written down, I can honestly say there is nothing worse than the feeling of having your most intimate thoughts read by someone that you’re supposed to be able to trust implicitly. It’s been incredibly damaging to me, and hell would freeze over before I do the same to my children.

I agree with this. I would never read my children's diaries either.

I think you need therapy - there looks like a lot to unpack but in the meantime, can you back away from your mother? - don't have her around, don't make plans, be vague if she asks. It'll suck but that is not normal parent behaviour and I think she resents the fact you are a discrete entity not an extension of herself.

This happened to me, a home with no privacy. And taunting about private thoughts. Everyone should be allowed to have them.

What helps me is to know the value is in the process of writing, not rereading. I dont write longform journals but notes, comments on books, quotes, occasionally mental dumping of thoughts. And knowing it's ok to throw it away without reading them.

Dont live in shame for having feelings.

Horrified on your behalf. No parent has the right to do that. I bought the DC diaries with padlocks and said they were for private thoughts & I would only read them if they asked me to. What goes in there is theirs alone.

I had a similar experience to you growing up. I read about a book on here I think writing down the bones by Natalie Goldberg and it really helped me. It was many years ago but may be worth a look for you.

I will check that book out thank you.

I think with children its ok to say that you will never ever read their diary but agree a safe place they can leave it if they want you to read it if they need you to know something that they cant find the words to say out loud to you.

Get something like proton mail and send emails to yourself?

I tend to agree that under no circumstances should you go behind your dc back and read their private thoughts. I like the idea of telling them that if they write something they'd like me to read they can put the diary in an agreed place, and I will know they want me to read it. I hope that I am doing my job as a mother to ensure my dc know they can trust me, and that would include not reading their private diaries.

Reading back on this thread brings it home how cruel my mother's behaviour has been.

I really feel compelled to write about it. I did have another thread on here under a different name, where I describe some of her other behaviours and treatment, and that was also eye opening. I really find sharing this stuff on MN helpful. Getting feedback and validation and other points of view is invaluable...but then at the same time I am so worried it will somehow be seen by her. In fact, I was supposed to put this thread in 30 days only for that reason...oops.