My childhood diaries were read and mocked - how can I get over this to begin journaling again?

[wontkillmyvibe]

My mum used to read my diaries while I was growing up. I thought this was normal behaviour, although looking back I knew deep down that it was wrong and made me feel controlled, silly, unable to authentically express myself, uncomfortable, betrayed...all the negative stuff.

Recently we were having a clear out and my mum found my diaries and sat down reading them. Occasionally she would read out a line here and there and have a laugh. Fine.

But I could feel my face get hot and the panic rising when she prized open a tiny diary that had a tiny plastic padlock on it. She got to a page where I had been so upset over the news of my dad remarrying, I had ripped the paper with my pencil as I had written stuff down. I remember the hurt I felt that day so well...it still hurt. But what hurt even more was that she sat there and mocked me, she thought it was hilarious that I had ripped the paper. I ended up telling her that it was a really bad time in my life and it wasn't funny and I took the diary, and all my diaries, and binned them. She apologised profusely afterwards but the damage was done.

I have wanted to journal all my adult life but I feel such panic when I even think about it, I don't know where to start. Whenever I have started in the past, I always end up throwing them away in case anyone sees. I always restrict what I write in case anyone sees. I wish I could write freely and confidently and keep my diaries so I can look back and see how far I've come in my life.

My husband bought me a lovely note pad and said I stopped writing for the wrong reasons, and has assured me he will never look, and I believe him 100% but I have this blockage. I am getting hot in the face just typing this out. I was humiliated by my mum and the thought of someone reading my private thoughts and laughing at them are too much.

But I find writing stuff down so cathartic (even this is helping...even if no one reads it at least I got it out) and I desperately want to stop this bloackage and start writing.

Can anyone help in any way? Has anyone had similar experiences? I guess I just need to chew the cud on it in the hopes it results in me picking up pen and paper.

yes I remember her ripping out a page in my sister's diary because she had written "I hate mum"

She was incredulous and incandescent. Yes to her thinking our thoughts were her property. Awful, awful behaviour. I'm sorry you went through it too.

That's terrible to mock your diary in front of you. I think there is a bigger issue here and it's a control play by your Mum. I am sorry it has made you quit writing. I wish I wrote more too, I used to write diaries all the time and it was so helpful. I did throw away my teenage ones though because years on I found it unhelpful to look back at those thoughts. But for years I kept them so I have a good sense of how I felt and why. I think this is really important for self reflection and moving on. I just need to do it again now myself!

You could try a private Blogger account just for yourself, accessed by double security.

I wish I'd kept my diaries now. I would give anything to read my thoughts from when I was a child. I am trying to explore my inner child, its something we touched on in therapy. I feel those diaries would help me remember and reconnect with that little girl. I think there has been a fair amount of dissociation going on in my life.

Unfortunately I had a knee jerk reaction when she laughed, and instead of packing them to come with me, I threw then away. It makes me sad because it's like I tossed all those little girls thoughts and feelings on the scrap heap, like they didn't matter.

I think perhaps you were protecting her thoughts, rather than devaluing them

That's a really nice way of thinking about it. I didn't think of it this way. Thank you x

Yes you were protecting her right to privacy. You could instead explore memoir writing. You never know what might come back to you. You could also try an online short fiction course as much of these are writing from experience? I found the one I did very therapeutic.

My DS keeps a journal, and has done for many years, I wouldn’t dream of reading it, it’s personal to him. Total invasive of privacy to do so.

I spoke to my DC about journalling last night and he said he would like to start one. He has been complaining about having too many thoughts in his head recently.

I assured him that it was a private thing and that I would not read it under any circumstances. I explained it was somewhere to write out thoughts so that they wouldn't be stuck in his head anymore. I told him they could be silly things, like jokes or doodles or swear words (his eyes lit up at the thought of being able to write things like "bum" down and me not know about it!) or they could be more serious things like problems he is having at school or home.

I also told him that if he ever wrote something and he wanted me to read it, he should leave it with a bookmark on my desk, and I would read it.

He seemed delighted with that, so I am going to buy him a kids journal with prompts etc in it today :)

Gregwiggle - Memoir writing sounds interesting...I am quite into the idea that things may come back as I write. I know I still have some stuff buried that I really would like to come to the surface now so I can deal with them.

Just completed day 2 of 750 words!

Just seen an online course taking place via The British Library: Learn Live: Memoir – Getting Started

I'm on a roll!