My childhood diaries were read and mocked - how can I get over this to begin journaling again?

[wontkillmyvibe]

My mum used to read my diaries while I was growing up. I thought this was normal behaviour, although looking back I knew deep down that it was wrong and made me feel controlled, silly, unable to authentically express myself, uncomfortable, betrayed...all the negative stuff.

Recently we were having a clear out and my mum found my diaries and sat down reading them. Occasionally she would read out a line here and there and have a laugh. Fine.

But I could feel my face get hot and the panic rising when she prized open a tiny diary that had a tiny plastic padlock on it. She got to a page where I had been so upset over the news of my dad remarrying, I had ripped the paper with my pencil as I had written stuff down. I remember the hurt I felt that day so well...it still hurt. But what hurt even more was that she sat there and mocked me, she thought it was hilarious that I had ripped the paper. I ended up telling her that it was a really bad time in my life and it wasn't funny and I took the diary, and all my diaries, and binned them. She apologised profusely afterwards but the damage was done.

I have wanted to journal all my adult life but I feel such panic when I even think about it, I don't know where to start. Whenever I have started in the past, I always end up throwing them away in case anyone sees. I always restrict what I write in case anyone sees. I wish I could write freely and confidently and keep my diaries so I can look back and see how far I've come in my life.

My husband bought me a lovely note pad and said I stopped writing for the wrong reasons, and has assured me he will never look, and I believe him 100% but I have this blockage. I am getting hot in the face just typing this out. I was humiliated by my mum and the thought of someone reading my private thoughts and laughing at them are too much.

But I find writing stuff down so cathartic (even this is helping...even if no one reads it at least I got it out) and I desperately want to stop this bloackage and start writing.

Can anyone help in any way? Has anyone had similar experiences? I guess I just need to chew the cud on it in the hopes it results in me picking up pen and paper.

What your mum did to you was utterly disrespectful. It's no surprise you still carry the distress it caused you.

I wonder whether a slightly different approach to journaling might ease you in? Rather than writing about yourself, why not start by simply sticking in things that give you pleasure or you feel are important? In a completely neutral way, with no commentary, no justification. A poem, a newspaper article, a joke, a picture, a recipe. Anything. Completely depersonalised. The only link between these items being that you choose to put them in your book.

It t give you pleasure, without feeling vulnerable. Making it gradually more personal would follow on quite naturally, as you felt safer.

@wontkillmyvibe

as an aside...does everyone think reading a child's diary is completely off limits? My dc are too young for diaries but if I was worried about them and they wouldn't talk to me would it be okay to have a look? I don't know if this makes me sound like a terrible mother - as you can all see I didn't have the best example and I am trying to get my compass on point for the future.

You know OP, I have been thinking about something along these lines. And I think, from my experience, that the most important thing is to tell your kids that if they have a big problem that they need to talk to an adult. ANY adult.

I have grown up thinking that you always have to talk to your parents if you have an issue but sometimes they are the last people you want to talk to. I had 2 bad depressions and my parents/husband weren't the first people I spoke to! I talked to the GP

So a teacher, a friend of the parents, a doctor, a responsible adult is the best person to reach for help if they don't feel comfortable talking to you

I absolutely would not read my dcs' private stuff out of curiosity. But if I had genuine concerns, I might. Whether I was reading open or secretly I would NEVER, EVER mock the dc for what I read. I would treat what I discovered with respect, and only use it to help my dc if they needed my help.

This is very familiar to me. I wrote diaries from the age of about 9 up until I went to uni and my mum read them all. She would never admit to it but I knew she did as she'd tell my dad nuts she'd read and he'd mention them to me thinking it was all hilarious. I completely get that feeling of not wanting to write as someone might see. The thing is that I am a copywriter and have always loved writing stories, but I felt like unless it was work, it felt too raw.

It took years of therapy to get over that, and I have since written TV scripts, even one based on my childhood. People have seen, lots of people, and they had lots of good things to say.

Another thing I did that helped was that I read extracts from my teenage diaries at an event dedicated to that. That was freeing, I felt like I reclaimed the shame i felt about what was in the diaries, owned it, and allowed them to be, on my terms. Hearing people laughing but not at me, with me - that was the best therapy.

Good luck to you, some good advice from previous posters. I would say if you started to touch on mum stuff just before you stopped therapy, that's a reason to carry on. Also, think about why you chose to stop then. It's often when we get close to crucial things in therapy that we back away as it's too scary.

Good morning everyone

I have just bought Will I Ever Be Good Enough and have subscribed to MuchelleB

I don't know shorthand, and am too overwhelmed with everything to start a new skill

I can't afford to buy a new laptop or electrical device, all I have is my work laptop...I have written some stuff on Word using this laptop, and I am using it now to write this...now feeling rather exposed in case they can see everything but kind of gone beyond caring too IYSWIM

I like the idea of a private blog, will look into Word Press. Thank you to the PP who warned of not publishing for now, very wise words that I hadn't thought of.

I also worry about my dc finding my journals so I really need to think about how I am going to do this. Some great ideas on this thread for me to think about. I think the main thing is to just get started isn't it...I feel I am procrastinating as I still have this...blockage.

Just had a look at 750 pages...I have that book The Artists' Way so I will dig that out...but yes this looks really good! I am going to start here I think...

I can see there is a lot of concern for the unhealthy relationship I have with my mum. To give you a bit more info - I had a year of free therapy through Women's Trust - the therapy finished last month. I explored issues with my father, my sibling, my much older groomer at age 15, my abusive ex and having to co-parent with him, and the various times I have been raped / witnessed rape / my belief I am a child born of rape. The one thing I didn't dare explore is my mum (I realise now I felt like I would be betraying her), and now I am gutted I wasted the year. I can't afford private therapy, so I have reached out to Women's Aid, Rape Crisis and my midwife to ask for more help. I know I desperately need it.

I have a lot of work to do. I have in the recent past created new boundaries with her, and I have more in the pipeline, stuff that I am doing now, I have changed the way I communicate with her, and I am feeling more in control of my life. Yes there was a huge backlash at first but she always "comes around", apologises and eventually falls into the new boundary - so I do have some hope that we can continue a relationship - a healthier and more loving one hopefully. I have really distanced myself from her physically because when I've seen her recently I have felt apoplectic with rage. I am hoping with some work that anger will lessen and we can begin to meet up again.

Thank you everyone for giving me this space, for your loving and kind words of advice and your thoughts, and to those who have shared their story which makes me feel less alone xxx

when I say I am gutted I wasted the year of therapy - this is absolutely not what I meant. The therapy has been life changing and hugely positive, although extremely difficult. What I meant is I regret not talking about my mum and sometimes feel I wasted a few sessions talking about things that didn't really matter because I was skirting the issue with my mum

It doesn't sound like you wasted the year - more like you had a lot to cover and only a year to do it!

It's not unusual for you to have more things to work on after therapy, and a year is quite a short time for so much therapeutic work. But it sounds like you have a lot of skills now that you didn't have before and are able to successfully put boundaries in place and challenge your mum, it's just hard when you've never done it before and she has no idea what you are doing. Sometimes you go back to old habits, she will push back - it's early days.

Well done @wontkillmyvibe, sounds like you are making huge progress and being really proactive in seeking help, you can also ask your gp to refer you I believe, although there will likely be long waiting lists, but still worth a try. Best of luck to you

So, so, so, so much to cover in that short year and yes I am proud at what I have achieved and how far I have come in that time.

I am a work in progress and I will continue to learn and try my best not to revert to self-hatred if I go back to old habits from time to time. I have to continue to practice compassion and love for ME, my inner child and my "pain body" as it was referred to in therapy.

I used to keep a journal but stopped when my Mam died, now I'm finding it hard to start again because even opening the book reminds me of how upsetting it was.

Someone suggested getting a journal with pages you can tear out so you can write things down and then get rid of them when you want and you can't tell the page was ever there. It hasn't worked yet but it may for you.

Happened to me
Diary locks broken too….
From the ages of 12-16 she did it.

She would quote bits sometimes nothing significant just to quote it so I’d just know she had read it.
Other times she would mock me
Some occasions like at Sunday lunch she would quote and make fun

She was / is an absolute bitch. 17-18 she physically abused me horrifically too

I don't have any advice to offer but I had a very similar experience as a teenager. My mum revealed to me that she has been reading my journals for years and said that I was the stupid one for leaving them lying around. I remember feeling so humiliated as there were details of sexual encounters with boys with very intimate details. I will never do this to my daughter, I think everyone is entitled to a private life.

Writing is therapeutic for me, I’ve tried online blogging but my mind goes blank unlike when pen to paper as its thought of writing for audience and I’m no wordsmith.

Have few pieces online but private another thing email address registered blog to lost, but can access blog so can download and reregister.

You can choose on most blogging site each post who sees what so private, password access only or public etc. I would never tell my mum if I had blog had she done what yours did.

It would actually probably be 1st piece about my mum I blogged about.

Definitely if you blog online it’s worth saving backup copy every so often. You can also move ur blog from site to site.

Hope you do start writing again. Me am back to pen and paper.

I'm so sorry that your mother did this. I can't imagine how it must feel. I feel strange about writing my thoughts down and nothing has happened to me.
I use an online journal called journey. It's locked and you can attach photos documents etc. There is a payment monthly of around £3.50. I feel secure in the knowledge that no one can see it.

So upsetting to read other similar experiences but has strengthened my resolve that I will never do this to my own dc. Such a betrayal of trust that has clearly had a detrimental effect on everyone who has shared here. We all have a sense of humiliation and distrust, so sad.

I do think I need to write about my mum, I mean I have started here, but there is so much more I need to get off my chest. I think I should write about that, and then I can get on with other writings/musings/doodles etc.

thank you , I will check out the secure online journal x

How about going to an antique or vintage shop, and buying a wooden box or tin trunk or similar that you could put a padlock on for security, and keep it under your bed or in your wardrobe always locked. You might find there are other things you want to keep in there too (sex toys in ours 😂) like the private books, etc. That way you can journal as you want to, with doodling, etc, not just on a machine.

woodswoman...thank you for the LOL moment hahaha

Write a letter to that betrayed little girl whose privacy was broken-tell her how strong and brave she is or write a story of how you want your future life to be free of a drama llama bitchy mother.

I don’t journal so I have no advice there but practically - if you enjoy the physical writing with a pen - what about an iPad and Pencil? On a secure password protected document / app like OneNote? I use this for work purposes and find it immensely useful, very secure and I like the cathartic natural feel of writing with a pencil.

@EKGEMS

Write a letter to that betrayed little girl whose privacy was broken-tell her how strong and brave she is or write a story of how you want your future life to be free of a drama llama bitchy mother.

I love both of these ideas

I just did my first entry on 750 words. I wrote 1461 words on under half an hour :)

It was all about my mother - things she did, the way it made me feel, I asked myself some questions about some other stuff I am curious about, that I may come back to and explore. It was helpful but now I feel a bit drained.

I am not sure I understand though...do I have to pay subscription for this?

I write a diary. The first couple of pages in the word documents maybe the first 10 are all about paddocks and then I list all types of wildflower etc however on page 20!ish I write in black on white and then change the black to white before saving. So at the end it just looks like a white documents- it’s totally blank after 20 pages. It is saved as ‘wildflowers in paddocks’ or something and saved in a folder research on paddocks or something else - no one would ever be able to find it - I pull up other documents before and after etc

As for your mother laughing - what a nasty thing to do and you have every right to be upset

@Greenfieldsandpaddocks

I write a diary. The first couple of pages in the word documents maybe the first 10 are all about paddocks and then I list all types of wildflower etc however on page 20!ish I write in black on white and then change the black to white before saving. So at the end it just looks like a white documents- it’s totally blank after 20 pages. It is saved as ‘wildflowers in paddocks’ or something and saved in a folder research on paddocks or something else - no one would ever be able to find it - I pull up other documents before and after etc

As for your mother laughing - what a nasty thing to do and you have every right to be upset

absolutely inspired idea!

My mum did this too OP. I hated her for it. She saw my thoughts as her property and even repeated private things I said about her as she was offended. So pathetic for a grown woman to do that to a kid who's making sense of the world.