My childhood diaries were read and mocked - how can I get over this to begin journaling again?

[wontkillmyvibe]

My mum used to read my diaries while I was growing up. I thought this was normal behaviour, although looking back I knew deep down that it was wrong and made me feel controlled, silly, unable to authentically express myself, uncomfortable, betrayed...all the negative stuff.

Recently we were having a clear out and my mum found my diaries and sat down reading them. Occasionally she would read out a line here and there and have a laugh. Fine.

But I could feel my face get hot and the panic rising when she prized open a tiny diary that had a tiny plastic padlock on it. She got to a page where I had been so upset over the news of my dad remarrying, I had ripped the paper with my pencil as I had written stuff down. I remember the hurt I felt that day so well...it still hurt. But what hurt even more was that she sat there and mocked me, she thought it was hilarious that I had ripped the paper. I ended up telling her that it was a really bad time in my life and it wasn't funny and I took the diary, and all my diaries, and binned them. She apologised profusely afterwards but the damage was done.

I have wanted to journal all my adult life but I feel such panic when I even think about it, I don't know where to start. Whenever I have started in the past, I always end up throwing them away in case anyone sees. I always restrict what I write in case anyone sees. I wish I could write freely and confidently and keep my diaries so I can look back and see how far I've come in my life.

My husband bought me a lovely note pad and said I stopped writing for the wrong reasons, and has assured me he will never look, and I believe him 100% but I have this blockage. I am getting hot in the face just typing this out. I was humiliated by my mum and the thought of someone reading my private thoughts and laughing at them are too much.

But I find writing stuff down so cathartic (even this is helping...even if no one reads it at least I got it out) and I desperately want to stop this bloackage and start writing.

Can anyone help in any way? Has anyone had similar experiences? I guess I just need to chew the cud on it in the hopes it results in me picking up pen and paper.

Do you know shorthand? You could learn if not and that could mean that few people nowadays could read them if ever found

Phew - a lot of responses here. Please know I am taking it all in and I appreciate each and every response. Some great ideas and tips about how to keep my writings private and I am sorry to hear about those who have experienced similar.

To the PP who was concerned about the relationship between myself and my mother in general. I have had a year in therapy - it recently ended - but towards the end of my therapy I began to remember stuff about my mum. The diary thing is only a small part. It has become obvious that we have a very unhealthy enmeshed relationship...this is something I am beginning to get my head around. I recently got engaged and moved out and laid down some boundaries - she absolutely lost her shit. Said some very hurtful things, turned family members against me, and then ignored me for weeks. She apologised and everything went "back to normal"

I recently wrote a children's short story, which uses animal metaphor to tell the story of a girl who survived an abusive childhood home and went on to have a happy life. The father was the perpetrator in the story and the mother was, the victim who bravely saw off the perpetrator. Yes it was autobiographical and I made her character brave, loving, caring. I thought she would appreciate the story but she was apoplectic with rage, she said I made her out to be a terrible mother, that she was disgusted and asked my why I had to let out the past, why I had to have therapy about it, why couldn't I just keep things buried like she did?

I understand my relationship with her must change and I am hoping that by writing a journal this will help break the "spell" she has on me.

I love the idea of covering my writings with art!

This is so horrible! I'm sorry you had that experience.

It doesn't matter whether the writing you do is good or not. Even Hemingway said 'the first draft of anything is shit' so treat everything as a first draft. You need to put aside a regular hour (or less if easier) every day to write in the journal your lovely husband has given you and you don't have to start really personal either, you could just start by jotting down the events of the day. It's not easy to bare your soul straight away even if your teenage diary hasn't been cruelly mocked by your mum. Unforgivable, by the way.

She was the victim of terrible domestic abuse but I am beginning to see that it wasn't just my father who was abusive.

This is a recent revelation and very very difficult to get my head around. I hero worshipped her for so long...and believe it or not she has some really lovely qualities too and I still love her and want her in my life. I just need to continue restructuring our relationship with healthy boundaries and some distance.

Some great advice with a difficult situation. I just wanted to recommend that there are many journaling videos on Youtube - MuchelleB I think has some, Crappy Childhood Fairy has one related to fears and resentments which might be helpful with what you've written - which might be a good starting place and help you feel safer to journal with prompts (Pinterest also has tons too, many boards filled with prompts). It would take that pressure off of you a bit.

I'm sorry OP. My own mum was quite similar and controlling. She still is now, but I keep her at arms length. Sometimes I find it hard to journal. I have a physical book and I also keep an electronic one on my phone. I switch between the two depending how I feel that day.

Working on your boundaries with your mum will help you too.

reading all the ways you journal, and that there doesn't have to be pressure on it to be perfect or deep or anything other than what it is...is very liberating.

I love the idea of handwritten journaling - with drawings and doodles and random thoughts inserted here and there - and I like the thought of being able to leaf through the pages - but I don't like my handwriting, and my hands get achey very quickly...so maybe doing it with a password protected Word document might be the way to go...

Are you reading lots too? That helps with writing. For example I'm reading 'Our Hidden Lives' which is a collection of diaries from the post war years (and honestly it feels like today in terms of everything being a bit grey and miserable). Reading puts the voice in your head that helps you start writing.

I'm sorry your mum was abusive too. I think these things are never simple and working out family relationships can be a life's work. That's been my experience too.

Journal prompts is a great idea

But again, OP, why did you show your mother the short story? I'm a novelist and while obviously my livelihood depends on letting other people read my finished work, the only people who read work in progress are one novelist friend, my agent and my editor, because I can't be getting my head cluttered up by people thinking it's about them, or asking whether that character is a version of your aunt X etc. My mother is literally the last reader I would choose.

You sound as if you really need to erect some barriers between you for your own MH. Just keep her away from your writing, fictional and otherwise, That's for you.

OhtheVulgarity - this is a very good question.

I think I have this desperate, childlike need for her validation and approval.

Our whole life we have overshared. She told me things as a child that she really shouldn't have (about things my father did) and even as an adult - she recently told me that my father raped her many times, over and over. I have always told her everything that is happening in my life too. Its clearly very unhealthy, I know this now. But its so entrenched in our relationship dynamic.

I am now beginning to be conscious of it which will hopefully help.

A password protected Word document would be best for you, OP. She behaved so badly - I'm really shocked. My daughter's always found writing down her troubles has helped her a lot - I don't think she re-reads them, but they got her through some difficult times. I wouldn't dream of reading them.

as an aside...does everyone think reading a child's diary is completely off limits? My dc are too young for diaries but if I was worried about them and they wouldn't talk to me would it be okay to have a look? I don't know if this makes me sound like a terrible mother - as you can all see I didn't have the best example and I am trying to get my compass on point for the future.

If you think they are in danger then yes, you should look then, in my opinion.

I have a book called 'Will I ever be good enough?' healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mother's. My therapist recommended it and I recommend it. I keep it in my drawer that's in my wardrobe, under clothes...for the same reason as you. I use a password on my journal documents on the computer. I really feel for you, the relationship you have with your mother is not healthy, she doesn't respect your boundaries. I haven't been able to go no contact but I have been able to establish some healthy boundaries which has changed our relationship so it is less damaging for me and my self esteem. I hope you are able to get back into journaling and feel it's benefits.

@Wouldyoudothesame

I have a book called 'Will I ever be good enough?' healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mother's. My therapist recommended it and I recommend it. I keep it in my drawer that's in my wardrobe, under clothes...for the same reason as you. I use a password on my journal documents on the computer. I really feel for you, the relationship you have with your mother is not healthy, she doesn't respect your boundaries. I haven't been able to go no contact but I have been able to establish some healthy boundaries which has changed our relationship so it is less damaging for me and my self esteem. I hope you are able to get back into journaling and feel it's benefits.

Thank you for posting this. I feel just that bit less alone. Will look at that book. X

There are a few things you could do:

One is, set up a private blog. It's very easy on Word Press for free. Just remember to click private before you post it. Or don't post, so it just saves in draft.

Or you can type on Word and when you are done, highlight the whole document and switch the ink colour to white so it is invisible. You could code each entry at the top or bottom of the page.

But I think to truly get over it, I would pick up pen and notebook again and start with a really long, thorough pen to paper examination of the panic you feel beginning a journal again and why you feel it and how controlling, belittling and abusive it was. Absolutely get every last detail down. Then when you are done (maybe at the next session, doesn't have to be the same one) focus on why you now choose to reclaim journalling - all the valuable aspects of the process, what you want to get from your journalling. End with a reassurance to yourself that your husband respects your privacy and that you will too by keeping your journal in a locked drawer or box or a secret, safe hiding place.

One other thing you might consider doing if you love writing generally is turning some journal entries into fiction or creative non fiction and sending them to some online ezines. There's no money to be made but it can be empowering to choose to go public. You could start with an essay on having your journals read by your mad mother. You'd get a lot of reader sympathy and interest!

No, I don’t believe there is ever a reason to read someone’s journal, even a child’s. Creating open channels of communication without going behind their backs and reading their private thoughts is a much better option IMO. Everyone, even children, are entitled to a certain level of privacy, and an invasion of that will have a detrimental impact on a parent child relationship forever. Having had a parent ransack my bedroom for many years growing up and read every single thought I’d ever written down, I can honestly say there is nothing worse than the feeling of having your most intimate thoughts read by someone that you’re supposed to be able to trust implicitly. It’s been incredibly damaging to me, and hell would freeze over before I do the same to my children.

@Cowbells

There are a few things you could do:

One is, set up a private blog. It's very easy on Word Press for free. Just remember to click private before you post it. Or don't post, so it just saves in draft.

Or you can type on Word and when you are done, highlight the whole document and switch the ink colour to white so it is invisible. You could code each entry at the top or bottom of the page.

But I think to truly get over it, I would pick up pen and notebook again and start with a really long, thorough pen to paper examination of the panic you feel beginning a journal again and why you feel it and how controlling, belittling and abusive it was. Absolutely get every last detail down. Then when you are done (maybe at the next session, doesn't have to be the same one) focus on why you now choose to reclaim journalling - all the valuable aspects of the process, what you want to get from your journalling. End with a reassurance to yourself that your husband respects your privacy and that you will too by keeping your journal in a locked drawer or box or a secret, safe hiding place.

One other thing you might consider doing if you love writing generally is turning some journal entries into fiction or creative non fiction and sending them to some online ezines. There's no money to be made but it can be empowering to choose to go public. You could start with an essay on having your journals read by your mad mother. You'd get a lot of reader sympathy and interest!

I love everything about his post! Love the idea of writing about why I am starting to journal again. Just writing stuff out here is helping.

Publishing something is also reeeeally appeals to me...it feels kind of rebellious or radical or something . Like a big FUCK YOU

Thanks to those replying to my question about reading children's diaries in certain circumstances. I would really hate to make my children feel the way I did but wondered if sometimes it might be necessary to do so

I think you can read a child's diary when they are a child to ensure they are safe. And if they are safe you don't read it any more.

Not to mine it for funny anecdotes, or chat about with other relatives to laugh about, or bring up at their wedding or any other humiliating experience.

But your mum wasn't even doing that - she was reading your diary when you were an adult, in front of you and finding times when you had clearly been highly distressed and thinking it was funny. That is so off the scale there isn't a scale anymore.

Given your update post about how much she overshares with you, and that she has set up an expectation that you will overshare with her, it sounds as if she doesn't see any boundary between her and you.

You are an extension of her - she didn't think laughing at your diary would be painful to you as she doesn't really see you as a separate person with feelings of your own.

The less you share with her the better, you need to be your own person - although beware she will start accusing you of being secretive!

I would also advise you think about having counselling to navigate this relationship.

I overthink about what to write too and wonder if I should write certain things or censor it in case my children grow up and read them
I had diaries 16-25 ish and it talks about one night stands etc. Should I throw these away now?

Op could you buy a wee laptop you can get cheap ones £300 ish and that would solve your privacy concerns. Get it password protected etc

I'm so sorry she disrespected you and your privacy like that, you're right to be upset and angry with her. My daughter is 7 and keeps a diary (I imagine it's just drawings and scribbles) and I'd never read it. Even if I felt there was something in it I should know, it's not mine to read. If we encourage children to be open with their feelings and thoughts without fearing judgment or ridicule they can be safe and have their own privacy.

Consider doing a bullet journal. You can focus on making it pretty or functional and can include as much or as little information as you like. The diaries are usually A6 so are perfect for bullet points of what you've done with your day.

I add quotes, current songs or programmes I'm enjoying and I use it as a scrap book too with little photographs, tickets, and tiny souvenirs. You decide how much goes into it so you could simply write "Went to supermarket, had a sandwich for lunch and listened to the radio in the garden." You can choose to add more personal detail or even use a secret key to express yourself.

Oh you’ve made me want to write OP but my rather dry job has sucked out my creativity with words. I do have a Pinterest board with ideas for art journals… which I appreciate are slightly different things. What strikes me though is you can say what you want without describing an event or situation in a linear fashion… you can just write about your feelings about the event rather than the event itself. It doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else or follow a set format.