Feeling guilty about blabbing friend’s private life to DP

[Nyorkie500]

I’m very chatty and often a bit of a blabber mouth.

My friend told me about a one night stand she had (she wanted more and he didn’t).. I was mentioning my friend to DP and accidentally mentioned this to him.

Now I feel really guilty about blabbing about it (he hasn’t met this friend yet) and she didn’t say it’s too secret but I guess it is obvious that it’s private..

Don’t know why I feel soo extremely guilty though.. I wish I was better at not over sharing what people have told me.

Am I a bad friend? :(

@LimeRedBanana

And the the thing is, it’s difficult to preface something with, ‘oh, and please don’t tell Nigel’, because anyone decent wouldn’t need to be told not to tell Nigel. They’d be offended that you were implying they were a gossip.

I shall be sure to tell my friends that they aren't decent people even though its a shared understanding which it seems is quite common.

A gossip is something very different from an agreed understanding between friends or family.

Except there very clearly is not an understanding among many people who share confidences and expect it to go no further.

A gossip is something very different from an agreed understanding between friends or family

As long as you’ve checked with all your friends and family in advance that they’re happy with you sharing their personal information with your partner then that’s absolutely fine!

@LimeRedBanana

Except there very clearly is not an understanding among many people who share confidences and expect it to go no further.

I can't imagine having a friend who I would confide in that I wouldn't have had this conversion with.

Some people have very elastic views on what Confidential means. Even more so that a dp, maybe family, other friends. It's always safest to check.

I can't imagine having a friend who I would confide in that I wouldn't have had this conversion with.

Great for you, but it’s kind of obvious that you’re not the only person in the world, and lots of people are going around sharing things thinking they’re genuinely going no further. And they’re clearly very wrong.

@LimeRedBanana

I can't imagine having a friend who I would confide in that I wouldn't have had this conversion with.

Great for you, but it’s kind of obvious that you’re not the only person in the world, and lots of people are going around sharing things thinking they’re genuinely going no further. And they’re clearly very wrong.

Tbh these oft repeated threads come down to the fact that some people seem to think that their view of the world is the right one.

I know that some people don't share and that some people do. Checking which your friends fit into seems to be the best option.

I have never once in forty years of marriage, had a friend say "please don't tell (DH)". So I doubt that it's normal for people.to check before or after unloading their troubles, frankly.

@LimeRedBanana

I can't imagine having a friend who I would confide in that I wouldn't have had this conversion with.

Great for you, but it’s kind of obvious that you’re not the only person in the world, and lots of people are going around sharing things thinking they’re genuinely going no further. And they’re clearly very wrong.

Agreed.

It can be a shock when you find out you've been talked about; of course sometimes you don't find out.

@notacooldad

Why can’t posters say yea you were in the wrong, why do posters have to resort to making her feel even worse. Calling her dim, calling her nasty and belittling her. She knows she’s done wrong, why do people take joy in making her feel worse No joy from me. I'm certainly not impressed that she is a self declared blabbermouth. I referred to her as being a bit dim. if you can't control what you say to the extent you 'accidentaly' let something personal slip out you must be. She says she over shares so this is highly likely not to be the first time she has gossips to others about her friends experiences. I just hope blabbermouth's boyfriend forgets what's been said or isn't a blabbermouth himself. OP hardly knows him as she has only been with him a few months.

We live and learn nacooldad; we don't know the op, she may never again be so indiscreet. She wouldn't have posted had she not felt bad about it.

If boyfriend is a fairly new one, he may not be around long enough for this to matter and, as he hasn't met the friend, may not even remember her name.

I consider myself to be discreet and I respect confidences but no doubt if I searched myself thoroughly, I would find such occurrences which happened when I was young.

We live and learn nacooldad; we don't know the op, she may never again be so indiscreet. She wouldn't have posted had she not felt bad about it.
That is true.
It was the statement that she doesn't know why she feeels guilty and then says it is obvious it was private that contradict ech other and also she does have a tendency of overshring made me think that she hasn't really learned anything.

I consider myself to be discreet and I respect confidences but no doubt if I searched myself thoroughly, I would find such occurrences which happened when I was young
Yes I agree with this too but OP doesn't strike me as being a teenager.

@saraclara

I have never once in forty years of marriage, had a friend say "please don't tell (DH)". So I doubt that it's normal for people.to check before or after unloading their troubles, frankly.

I have never said "please don't tell your dp" because (prior to reading this thread) it would never have occurred to me that friends would pass on what I told them to their dp's so I wouldn't have realised that I would have to explicitly ask them not to blab.
Judging from this thread , about half of your friends would have had the same thought process as me.

last year a casual worker at my place of work was really upset. It turns out her best friend had fallen out with her. In a nut shell her best friend had confided in her something personal. She had told her boyfriend. She split up from her boyfriend a few weeks later and he maliciously seeked out her friends boyfriend in the pub and in front of his mates he recounted what his ex ( the casual worker) had told him. It caused a huge fight. The fall out was horrendous forher and other people fell out with her.

She was shocked when I asked why she thought it was ok to pass information on like that. She said doesn't everyone tell their partners everything. I said that I tell my partner everything relevant about me but personal stuff about other people isn't my story to tell. It's not my business to pass it on nor is it fair to let someone have knowledge about someone without them knowing.

Her friend is still an ex friend.

I'd forgotten about this but I've just seen a post from her on instagram.

I have never said "please don't tell your dp" because (prior to reading this thread) it would never have occurred to me that friends would pass on what I told them to their dp's so I wouldn't have realised that I would have to explicitly ask them not to blab.

That's exactly the point I was making to those who say that friends would say if they didn't want something passed on to a partner.

Judging from this thread , about half of your friends would have had the same thought process as me.

It's the other half that I now have cause to worry about.

@saraclara Sorry, I completely misunderstood your post. I thought that you meant that your friends had never asked you not to tell your dp so it was reasonable for you to assume that they wouldn't mind you telling him.

[quote cariadlet]@saraclara Sorry, I completely misunderstood your post. I thought that you meant that your friends had never asked you not to tell your dp so it was reasonable for you to assume that they wouldn't mind you telling him. [/quote]
No problem. It wasn't one of my clearest posts!

I think the problem is that people view their partner as not really another person, just an extension of them. But if you're the person that has bared their soul in confidence, it doesn't matter whether you've blabbed to your other half or Rita down the corner shop, you've still told a random third person! It's "only Dave" to you, but to your friend it's a strange man they don't know.

People who regard their DP (or indeed anyone) as an ‘extension of them’ might have bigger problems than gossiping!

Have read articles before about the frequency / functions / appeal of gossip in humans’ social relationships, but not specifically couples gossiping with each other. In these times, for example, perhaps it provides something new to discuss!