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Original poster

Feeling guilty about blabbing friend’s private life to DP

142 replies

Nyorkie500 · 16/07/2021 00:57

I’m very chatty and often a bit of a blabber mouth.

My friend told me about a one night stand she had (she wanted more and he didn’t).. I was mentioning my friend to DP and accidentally mentioned this to him.

Now I feel really guilty about blabbing about it (he hasn’t met this friend yet) and she didn’t say it’s too secret but I guess it is obvious that it’s private..

Don’t know why I feel soo extremely guilty though.. I wish I was better at not over sharing what people have told me.

Am I a bad friend? :(

OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 16/07/2021 11:37

@saraclara

Partners are meant to share everything

Bollocks. You and your partner are not one entity, and your friends are entitled to have their privacy respected.

It's people who think this way that lead to me not sharing anything with them. There are very few people I trust to respect others' privacy these days.

Well I don't have a partner - perhaps it's for the best!
Sittinginthesand · 16/07/2021 11:40

For goodness sake, OP doesn’t need to apologise to the friend! She’d sound like a complete loon! The friend doesn’t know that op mentioned to her dp and it sounds like the dp isn’t going to tell anyone, if she were to apologise she’d just be making a big issue out of completely trivial thing. I’d be like this Hmm if I was the friend and received such an odd apology.
OP: friend, I really need to confess something, I’m afraid it’s going to be hard for you to hear and I am truly sorry.
Friend: oh, are you ok? What’s happened?!
OP: I told dp that you shagged that bloke the other day.
Friend: ermmm….. why are you telling me this?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 16/07/2021 11:43

Sittinginthesand Or...
OP: I told dp that you shagged that bloke the other day
Friend: Right.

I agree that OP shouldn't tell her friend but I think she should let her friend know that she can't keep quiet with any news, whatever it is, so that friend can make her own decisions about what to say or not say.

AlexaShutUp · 16/07/2021 11:45

I don't share this kind of thing with my DH, because I respect my friends and their privacy. We are married, but we are not one person.

DameAlyson · 16/07/2021 12:33

Partners are meant to share everything

Everything? Confidential information from work? Your mother's/sister's/friend's gynaecological issues? The fact that your 16yo niece is sleeping with her boyfriend? Everything you said or saw or did when you went to Tesco?

TerribleCustomerCervix · 16/07/2021 12:41

DH and I share this kind of thing.

And we’re definitely not alone - I remember speaking to my SIL about this and she said when someone says “ok keep this to yourself…” she nods and her internal voice says “…except for Dave.”

I expect that anything I tell a friend could be shared with their DP or DH. Just means that the stuff I don’t want people to know I keep to myself.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 16/07/2021 12:57

This absolutely infuriates me. It's so disrespectful. Why does your man want to know about your friend's sex life? Would she be happy to meet up with him on her own and tell him herself? If she wouldn't then you know you have betrayed her and you need to tell her so that she can make a decision about whether to confide in you in future.

All of you who tell your partner everything, please tell me your friends all know this?

My friend used to do this, she'd tell her DP everything I'd told her in confidence. This only became apparent at a later date. I still see her and we have a laugh but I make sure I don't tell her anything that I wouldn't be happy to tell a group of strangers. She calls me her best friend but she's certainly not mine anymore.

SweatyBetty20 · 16/07/2021 14:56

Things my friends have told me in the past 18 months:
Two abortions
Three bouts of depression
One bankruptcy
One seriously in debt
One thinking of walking out of her marriage
One cancer scare
Two loss of sex drive
One husband who has ED
One diagnosis of chlamydia.

I haven’t told my other half about any of it. If they’ve asked for advice I’ve given it, or just been an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. It’s not a question of trusting him not to gossip - it’s because they’d be mortified that he even knew. So I keep my mouth shut and be a good friend.

Maggiesfarm · 16/07/2021 15:11

@DameAlyson

Partners are meant to share everything

Everything? Confidential information from work? Your mother's/sister's/friend's gynaecological issues? The fact that your 16yo niece is sleeping with her boyfriend? Everything you said or saw or did when you went to Tesco?

Exactly.

Who said they are supposed to share everything, including other people's business?

Confidentiality should always be respected. If you can't keep a confidence, say so at the outset.

It actually gives me the 'ick' to think of a married couple gossiping about someone else's private matter. Whisper, whisper, he said, she said. Yeuch.

MrsFezziwig · 16/07/2021 15:19

@PoppenhuisStories

Jeez why do so many of you feel compelled to tell your partners everything like it is some kind of automatic right? No, I absolutely wouldn’t tell DH private information about a friend, I respect their privacy and boundaries.
This x one million. Your DH is a stranger as far as your friend is concerned. If she wanted him to know she could tell him herself. Sharing everything with your husband is fine in the sense of not keeping your own secrets from him, but it isn’t your secret to share.
onlyhereforthecake · 16/07/2021 15:24

I tell DH everything, or anything he might be interested in, or I want to discuss.

I expect everybody else to do similar frankly.

People need to get over themselves: YOU are not the most important person in your friends life, that's life.

If I can't trust my DH to keep things to himself (and vice-versa), then we have a problem. We are not 12 years old, we don't "keep secrets" or other nonsense. We are both adults and we can discuss things and keep them between ourselves.

MrsFezziwig · 16/07/2021 15:26

Sorry you think it’s pathetic to be open with your partner.

Being open with your partner is not the same as not telling them something you have been told in confidence. Surely you can see the difference?

IsabellesMissingSock · 16/07/2021 15:37

No, I'd consider telling my DH something like that a breach of the friend's confidence. The fact that my DH actually wouldn't give a flying fuck about it and think it mindless gossip is neither here nor there.

onlyhereforthecake · 16/07/2021 15:42

I think you need a place and a person where you can let your guard down. Ideally your home and your partner!

So yes, I think you should be able to tell your partner everything, not having to constantly worry about breaking confidence, laughing about y when he doesn't know x...

It's not ranting and doing their head in with a constant babble of inane gossips, it's about trusting you can share everything and it stops there, without having to think twice if you should be saying this or that. Such a childish thing with "secrets" and not being able to trust your own husband.

Pollaidh · 16/07/2021 15:47

I'm pretty open with DH. If a friend tells me something I'm not sure about, I ask them if it's something I can share with DH or if it's a secret. If it's a secret then I don't share it.

DH is the only person with whom I discuss people I don't like, as I won't ever moan about people to anyone else. Need to have somewhere to let off steam!

Maggiesfarm · 16/07/2021 15:56

Op, you know you were wrong to share your friend's confidences, you said you feel guilty and you wouldn't feel like that if you thought you were in the right.

Just make sure you don't do it again.

Dozer · 16/07/2021 16:36

Not ‘childish’ to respect others’ privacy.

Not ‘open’ to share personal information about others.

notacooldad · 16/07/2021 18:24

So those of you that are sharing a friends private info because you ' tell the your partners everything " do you recount every single bit of the conversation that you e had eg, what they had for tea that evening, that they went to the park with their sister, how their work day has been, what shoes they bought in the sale? Or are you just gossiping about the 'interesting' stuff that has fuck all to do with him.
anyway?

PerciphonePuma · 16/07/2021 19:26

@LunaNorth

I tell my DH everything, but I know I can trust him implicitly. I’ve known him for years, and he’s just not a blabbermouth.

The only exception would be if someone actually asked me to keep something just to myself. I’d not say anything then.

I'd be furious if my friend told her husband something about me that was personal (and potentially embarrassing) and then tried to justify it by saying "I tell my husband everything" - That friendship would be over immediately
PerciphonePuma · 16/07/2021 19:29

@Bumpsadaisie

I tell my dh everything ...
Then our friendship would be over instantly! Utterly disgraceful behaviour. If I tell somebody something in confidence then that is what that is - in confidence! I'm not friends with their husbands, I'm friends with THEM!
AlexaShutUp · 16/07/2021 19:37

The idea that partners should "share everything" is frankly bizarre. I mean, share everything about yourself, by all means, but you don't have the right to share personal information about other people.

Being open is great, if you're being open about your own thoughts, feelings and experiences. Being open about stuff that other people have trusted you enough to share is just disrespectful. It's weird that people can't tell the difference.

thinkingaboutitall · 16/07/2021 19:48

I think you are in the wrong tbh

Does your partner really need to know what’s going on in your friend’s sex life? She told her best friend yes, but she probably doesn’t want a bunch of random men her friends are dating to know what’s going on with her vagina. It probably sours your partner’s thoughts of her too, when he meets her he’s just going to think about her sex life and subconsciously judge her on it

thinkingaboutitall · 16/07/2021 19:55

Forgot to add, another reason that you’re in the wrong is that this is something that clearly hurts her feelings. Ie she wanted something more with this man but he rejected her; she isn’t “over” it and told you for emotional support.

But you, knowing she’s cut up about it, still mentioned it to your partner all blasé? Like you didn’t think about her feelings towards this guy and that she might be upset, you were more preoccupied with spilling the tea

Maggiesfarm · 17/07/2021 01:54

@thinkingaboutitall

I think you are in the wrong tbh

Does your partner really need to know what’s going on in your friend’s sex life? She told her best friend yes, but she probably doesn’t want a bunch of random men her friends are dating to know what’s going on with her vagina. It probably sours your partner’s thoughts of her too, when he meets her he’s just going to think about her sex life and subconsciously judge her on it

This: Does your partner really need to know what’s going on in your friend’s sex life?

Also, does he want to? I would think not, in fact it might go in one ear and out of the other.

The idea of it makes me feel embarrassed for my own sex. I have a vision of an ill educated chatty airhead sharing shallow gossip with a yawning husband reading the newspaper while she dusts around him. Hardly a woman of stature who commands respect.

Hawkins001 · 17/07/2021 02:04

I tend to have a rule, to keep the intelligence flowing, what anyone tells me, I keep to myself as if I said x to y and it got back to x then that source of intelligence would not be available.