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Original poster

Feeling guilty about blabbing friend’s private life to DP

142 replies

Nyorkie500 · 16/07/2021 00:57

I’m very chatty and often a bit of a blabber mouth.

My friend told me about a one night stand she had (she wanted more and he didn’t).. I was mentioning my friend to DP and accidentally mentioned this to him.

Now I feel really guilty about blabbing about it (he hasn’t met this friend yet) and she didn’t say it’s too secret but I guess it is obvious that it’s private..

Don’t know why I feel soo extremely guilty though.. I wish I was better at not over sharing what people have told me.

Am I a bad friend? :(

OP posts:
notacooldad · 17/07/2021 19:31

Sorry if that's wrong!
Clearly your not sorry though.

soapboxqueen · 17/07/2021 19:39

I think if you know your friend would have expected you to keep a confidence then you were wrong to share it.

That's the thing though, her expectation.

Plenty of people don't expect a confidence to be kept from a partner/husband/wife. I certainly don't. If I need it to be, I would explicitly state 'don't tell Betty this'.

If you meet a new friend and they want to tell you something or you them, it might be wise to check which group they belong to.

Tbh I'd probably distance myself from someone who did expect this as a given. It's just too much effort.

saraclara · 17/07/2021 20:01

Op you’re not nasty, you feel guilty and you didn’t do it on purpose. Woman who kick woman when they’re down are the nasty ones.

Of course she did it on purpose. Those words didn't come out of her mouth accidentally. She chose to tell him.

And women shouldn't give women a pass simply because they're women. That's ridiculous. Sexism at its most illogical.

saraclara · 17/07/2021 20:07

Plenty of people don't expect a confidence to be kept from a partner/husband/wife. I certainly don't. If I need it to be, I would explicitly state 'don't tell Betty this'.

This would never occur to me. Or at least it didn't until the first time I saw a thread like this.
I would never tell my DH my friends' intimate problems. And I assumed that every decent person acted in the same way. My late DH and I were individuals, not a single brain. If my friend wouldn't have told her story had he been there, then s/he hadn't chosen to tell him. It's very simple.

I got to my 60s before I discovered that some of the people I'd shared with in the past probably felt entitled to tell their partners. I was genuinely shocked, and now I share very little.

soapboxqueen · 17/07/2021 20:15

@saraclara

Plenty of people don't expect a confidence to be kept from a partner/husband/wife. I certainly don't. If I need it to be, I would explicitly state 'don't tell Betty this'.

This would never occur to me. Or at least it didn't until the first time I saw a thread like this.
I would never tell my DH my friends' intimate problems. And I assumed that every decent person acted in the same way. My late DH and I were individuals, not a single brain. If my friend wouldn't have told her story had he been there, then s/he hadn't chosen to tell him. It's very simple.

I got to my 60s before I discovered that some of the people I'd shared with in the past probably felt entitled to tell their partners. I was genuinely shocked, and now I share very little.

Funny. I was in my teens when friends would ask each other what their concept of 'don't tell anyone' meant. Some included other friends in their circle or long term boyfriends. Everyone knew where they stood.

Interesting that you've decided that anyone not sharing your view must not be 'decent'. I would find it odd to assume I had the right to demand what people talked about to their significant other unless I had been very explicit.

userxx · 17/07/2021 20:17

@ScatteredMama82

I tell my DH everything and I would expect my friends to do the same. If I tell a friend something private, I fully expect her to tell her partner/DH if I come up in conversation. I don’t mind that.

Wow.

user1487194234 · 17/07/2021 20:18

I tell DH everything about me ,but definitely not about my friends,unless it has a major impact on me
TBF I don't think he would want to know

LimeRedBanana · 17/07/2021 20:20

Interesting that you've decided that anyone not sharing your view must not be 'decent'. I would find it odd to assume I had the right to demand what people talked about to their significant other unless I had been very explicit.

So as notacooldad asked, do you relay conversations you’ve had with your friends to your partner verbatim?

Or do you just cherry pick the especially juicy bits of gossip out for him?

TeanupFlutter · 17/07/2021 20:24

My DH would have zero interest in gossip like this but I wouldn't tell him anyway, its private. I wouldn't expect a friend to tell her DP any of my private business. I have one friend who is vocal that she shares everything with her DP (and everyone else judging by what she passes on to me Hmm), needless to say I tell her nothing.

soapboxqueen · 17/07/2021 20:28

@LimeRedBanana

Interesting that you've decided that anyone not sharing your view must not be 'decent'. I would find it odd to assume I had the right to demand what people talked about to their significant other unless I had been very explicit.

So as notacooldad asked, do you relay conversations you’ve had with your friends to your partner verbatim?

Or do you just cherry pick the especially juicy bits of gossip out for him?

Depends. Might not even enter my head. Might be he mentions something and I say 'oh something similar happened to Steve. He did this to sort it out'

Maybe I say 'Helen is having a bad time. She seemed really sad' with no other detail.

See the thing is. If my friend wants me to 'not tell anyone' I say 'does that include dh? '. It really is very simple. Though it generally doesn't come up because they'll say 'don't tell anyone but dh is fine'.

TSSDNCOP · 17/07/2021 20:29

My friends wouldn't need to tell me not to gossip about things they've confided in me, I just wouldn't.

MrsJBaptiste · 17/07/2021 20:43

@notacooldad

Sorry if that's wrong! Clearly your not sorry though.
Actually no, I suppose I'm not sorry as that's what we do and it isn't wrong (for us) but clearly other people are different...
FindYourPorpoise · 17/07/2021 20:51

My friend does this and always with the wide eyed innocence excuse of 'but we're married, we tell each other everything'. In my opinion this is a bullshit get out clause that gossips use to avoid ever having to be discreet.

I stopped telling my friend anything sensitive years ago because I can't trust her. I will tell her DH things though, because he is the soul of discretion and I know he wouldn't tell her! Grin

Maggiesfarm · 17/07/2021 20:52

From what the op said, I think she just let it slip and now feels bad about it. Hopefully it will have gone in her husband's one ear and out of the other.

Many, many years ago, I had a friend who was older than me, seemed much more mature, in whom I confided some quite personal things. It came as a great shock to me that she discussed these things with other friends and her family. She was the last person of whom I would have expected that. On one occasion I was with her and another person and they started talking about something I had told her, in front of me! As you can imagine I was gobsmacked.

I knew a lot about her and never told a soul. She knew I wouldn't.

Never again.

However nobody is infallible and a slip up can be forgiven.

notacooldad · 17/07/2021 20:56

From what the op said, I think she just let it slip and now feels bad about it
Hoe can you let it slip that a friend has had a one night stand? If op feels guilty as she is claiming then she needs to own her accidental blabbermouth and apologise to her friend.

dudsville · 17/07/2021 20:57

I think a strong couple don't keep secrets from each other, so if I tell a friend something I would never ask them to keep it a secret from their partner. It's not my place to come between them, however I do expect the partner's discretion.

That being said I don't tell my partner everything, he wouldn't be interested. As my best friend, if I feel I overstepped a boundary, I would tell him this and he would know how to manage that.

Hariboqueen1 · 17/07/2021 21:01

@saraclara

Op you’re not nasty, you feel guilty and you didn’t do it on purpose. Woman who kick woman when they’re down are the nasty ones.

Of course she did it on purpose. Those words didn't come out of her mouth accidentally. She chose to tell him.

And women shouldn't give women a pass simply because they're women. That's ridiculous. Sexism at its most illogical.

OP obviously feels bad, she even came on here because the guilt is eating away at her. Why can’t posters say yea you were in the wrong, why do posters have to resort to making her feel even worse. Calling her dim, calling her nasty and belittling her. She knows she’s done wrong, why do people take joy in making her feel worse. I don’t get it
Hariboqueen1 · 17/07/2021 21:06

@saraclara

Op you’re not nasty, you feel guilty and you didn’t do it on purpose. Woman who kick woman when they’re down are the nasty ones.

Of course she did it on purpose. Those words didn't come out of her mouth accidentally. She chose to tell him.

And women shouldn't give women a pass simply because they're women. That's ridiculous. Sexism at its most illogical.

And how did sexism come into it?! I would say the same about anyone. Anyone who gets joy from making someone feel bad is nasty
notacooldad · 17/07/2021 21:11

I think a strong couple don't keep secrets from each other, so if I tell a friend something I would never ask them to keep it a secret from their partner
As I asked before, do you tell every single aspect of the conversation to dh because if not, why not ( apart from boring him to tears)
It's not a secret from your partner though. Its a private conversation between you and someone else.
It would be a secret if you had done something that you didn't want him to know. That would in many cases be wrong.

Over the years I have friends that have confided things with that have been traumatic for them including a rape and deciding whether to report it, an abortion ( a close family member) and a cancer diagnosis which they weren't ready to go public. It wasnt a secret to keep from my husband because it wasnt my story to tell nor was it something that had happened to me and therefore affect him.
My friends needed a safe space to talk. They didn't necessarily need advice but neededc an ear from someone who wasn't going to judge them and share their experience and also could comfort them.

saraclara · 17/07/2021 21:13

And how did sexism come into it?!

@Hariboqueen1, when you said
Woman who kick woman when they’re down are the nasty ones.

Ifitquacks · 17/07/2021 21:14

I am fully open with my DH... with everything that is relevant to him, me, our children and our relationship. Being ‘open’ does not extend to telling him my friends’ personal information and I’m genuinely flummoxed that anyone thinks it does.
Reading his has made me all of a sudden less inclined to share personal things with my friends in case they pass it on to their partners

Ifitquacks · 17/07/2021 21:15

And not telling him my friends personal info isn’t ‘keeping secrets’ from him... it’s just not at all relevant to him.

LimeRedBanana · 17/07/2021 21:21

And the the thing is, it’s difficult to preface something with, ‘oh, and please don’t tell Nigel’, because anyone decent wouldn’t need to be told not to tell Nigel. They’d be offended that you were implying they were a gossip.

Hariboqueen1 · 17/07/2021 21:31

@saraclara

And how did sexism come into it?!

@Hariboqueen1, when you said
Woman who kick woman when they’re down are the nasty ones.

Yea I was talking about this situation, doesn’t mean I have sexist views!
notacooldad · 17/07/2021 21:47

Why can’t posters say yea you were in the wrong, why do posters have to resort to making her feel even worse. Calling her dim, calling her nasty and belittling her. She knows she’s done wrong, why do people take joy in making her feel worse
No joy from me. I'm certainly not impressed that she is a self declared blabbermouth.
I referred to her as being a bit dim. if you can't control what you say to the extent you 'accidentaly' let something personal slip out you must be. She says she over shares so this is highly likely not to be the first time she has gossips to others about her friends experiences.
I just hope blabbermouth's boyfriend forgets what's been said or isn't a blabbermouth himself. OP hardly knows him as she has only been with him a few months.

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