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Original poster

Feeling guilty about blabbing friend’s private life to DP

142 replies

Nyorkie500 · 16/07/2021 00:57

I’m very chatty and often a bit of a blabber mouth.

My friend told me about a one night stand she had (she wanted more and he didn’t).. I was mentioning my friend to DP and accidentally mentioned this to him.

Now I feel really guilty about blabbing about it (he hasn’t met this friend yet) and she didn’t say it’s too secret but I guess it is obvious that it’s private..

Don’t know why I feel soo extremely guilty though.. I wish I was better at not over sharing what people have told me.

Am I a bad friend? :(

OP posts:
Cloudninenine · 16/07/2021 09:53

Sorry you think it’s pathetic to be open with your partner. As you say, it takes all sorts!

Cloudninenine · 16/07/2021 09:54

Also worth pointing out to the posters in a fever of ecstasy over berating the OP - her friend didn’t say this was private information she wasn’t to pass on. I know it’s convenient to ignore that so you can have a go, but it is relevant and it does change things!

OoglyMoogly · 16/07/2021 10:01

I have things my friends have said to me that I have not told my husband. Things that I know would not have been told in mixed company. I take the view that if someone isn't in the conversation than they aren’t privy to that information and I don't gossip about it.

One of my friends has got the name Radio xxx because she tells everyone anything she's been told. Needless to say, she's the last person to be told anything now because people don't like the world and his wife knowing their situations.

hullaballoo19 · 16/07/2021 10:07

I think it depends on the friend, the situation and your dp. I tell my dp most things unless I'm asked not to tell anyone or know my friend wouldn't want dp to know or something like that. And different friends have different levels of openness, so where 1 friend wouldn't care about dp knowing something and I'd tell him, another friend would care so I wouldn't tell. Also sometimes it's something dp wouldn't care about or want to know so I wouldn't tell then either.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 16/07/2021 10:09

Cloudnine, I've been quite clear. Perhaps calm down a bit and re-read rather than flap about what you think I said. Or don't. Whatever you like.

Etinox · 16/07/2021 10:11

@PoppenhuisStories

Jeez why do so many of you feel compelled to tell your partners everything like it is some kind of automatic right? No, I absolutely wouldn’t tell DH private information about a friend, I respect their privacy and boundaries.
It’s grim isn’t it? Really Handmaidy and wet.
Sloth66 · 16/07/2021 10:12

AsOp herself says, she knows the information her friend gave her was private.
So what was the purpose in telling her DH?
It just sounds like gossip, and not very nice really.
If a friend told me something like that, I wouldn’t need instruction not to tell anyone else.

DisgruntledPelican · 16/07/2021 10:14

When people say they share everything with their partners, so they really go into this level of detail? Especially about someone the partner doesn’t know?

Obviously DP and I chat about stuff if we’ve been to meet friends or whatever but I would only report back a basic level of detail: “Ryan and Marie are doing good, his work is a bit stressful right now but they’ve booked a weekend away in August so that will be nice for them”. Epic detail about everything that had been discussed would be so dull!

DisgruntledPelican · 16/07/2021 10:14

*do they

IdblowJonSnow · 16/07/2021 10:18

Yes, you probably shouldn't have said this. There was no need was there! I occasionally tell my DH things but he is very discreet and I trust him not to gossip.
Just tell your DH to keep schtum. And do the same next time!

SheABitSpicyToday · 16/07/2021 10:21

I always assume that anything I say will get discussed with partners. I always talk about things to my husband and I know my friends do to.

Dozer · 16/07/2021 10:25

Disclosing other people’s business to your boyfriend/partner/husband is not an indicator of a good romantic relationship, just that you don’t respect others’ privacy.

PrincessMyshkin · 16/07/2021 10:27

Tbh, I generally expect anything I tell a friend to be potentially passed on to a partner unless I have asked them not to, or it is something very private or serious that I would expect a friend of mine to know not to repeat.

I would expect most dating news to fall into the 'not serious' category unless she was really upset by it. Sounds like maybe she was upset by this event and you have had a bit of a realisation that you overstepped the mark here, which you can remember in future.

Not to derail but YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators you have just perfectly articulated, better than I ever have, how I feel about my mother who has zero discretion and has always treated any information from or about me as fair game for gossip. I have struggled with this since being young, so thank you.

I so appreciate discretion. I'm always a bit shocked when someone talks about things a third party has disclosed to them, it feels like talking to a child, like they have just revealed that they have very little integrity. It really stands out to me.

godmum56 · 16/07/2021 10:27

I am in the middle on this one. If there was some kind of issue that I wanted to chew over then I used to tell him stuff because I knew it would go no further but I didn't tell him everything because TBH someone else's love life is not that interesting....but yeah in principle I think you need to learn discretion or you will end up with no friends.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 16/07/2021 10:32

I've learned the hard way, there are some people who are literally like parrots, they think nothing of repeating exactly what you told them, to someone who wasn't in the conversation, sometimes seeming like it's coming from a place of caring, or sometimes competitiveness.

If I disclose anything really private to them I say in advance this is not for telling anyone else.

I'd prefer they didn't tell their partners, especially if it's things that people could get opinionated about, but not naive that it might happen, if I didn't want it them to I'd probably say explicitly.

Things like family issues, mental health, aren't gossip.

rghp · 16/07/2021 10:33

You are not a bad friend but you need to apologise and do your best not to do it again. I think you know it wasn’t right and that’s why you feel bad. Good luck for the future.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 16/07/2021 10:34

PrincessMyshkin that was the same for me. My mum always talked about me to so many people and it just made me never share anything private with her again. She does regret it now because she knows I keep quiet about things that I don't want repeated. She's still a gossip but, in a restrained way because she knows nothing of a private nature.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 16/07/2021 10:36

godmum56 why not chew it over with your friend then? The one whose sensitive information it was. Why would you repeat things to your partner if you knew it was something that wasn't to go further?

greenlynx · 16/07/2021 10:42

I think it’s wrong to tell your DP, it’s quite personal information, have a chat with him but I assume he wouldn’t mention it to your friend. Why should he? He would be a complete dick if so.
I wouldn’t tell your friend about this, it will be very weird. Just not do this again.
By the way people often tell their long term partners about stuff, probably not something like this as this was too personal but in general they do.

TheOrigRights · 16/07/2021 10:59

If I tell a friend something I always assume they're tell their partner. If it's something I don't want their partner to know then I say so explicitly.

Partners are meant to share everything and also should be able to trust each other.

saraclara · 16/07/2021 11:05

Partners are meant to share everything

Bollocks. You and your partner are not one entity, and your friends are entitled to have their privacy respected.

It's people who think this way that lead to me not sharing anything with them. There are very few people I trust to respect others' privacy these days.

MargotEmin · 16/07/2021 11:14

I really wouldn't care if my friend mentioned my ONS to her partner, sex and relationships aren't shameful. Private? Maybe, but it's not like OP posted it on the local Facebook group.

Bumpsadaisie · 16/07/2021 11:21

I tell my dh everything ...

pinkyredrose · 16/07/2021 11:25

Partners are meant to share everything

That's a rather naive view.

cheeseismydownfall · 16/07/2021 11:34

I think it is pretty disgraceful that people think that just because a person is their husband/partner/boyfriend etc that somehow that gives them carte blanche to share their friend's private lives with them. It is really disrespectful IMO and shitty behaviour. Why are some people so emotionally incontinent that that have to share everything like this?

The only exceptions I can think of is when a friend is at risk of harm and you need genuine advice on what to do, or if it is something that directly impacts your partner e.g. your best mate is cheating on his best mate. The latter example is indeed a very difficult situation to navigate and I would actually be quite pissed of with a friend who put me in that position. If I did decide to share what I knew I certainly wouldn't do it lightly.