How much should we each pay into joint account?

[Userrrr1234]

If you are very fixed in your views that all money should go into one bank account this may not be the thread for you!

I’m back to work soon after ten months on maternity leave. I will be earning £42000 and I think the take home pay is around £2400.

Nursery is £800 a month and the mortgage is £1000. They are the main shared costs.

I was thinking £1400 leaving me with £1000 for me. Does that sound fair?

@Userrrr1234

space I think he does.

During maternity leave I have not given him a penny towards the home. He has paid for pretty much all groceries, taken on the car insurance for my car, bought a new carpet for my house (it is rented out) and given me £400. I can’t honestly say he isn’t generous.

What I am mindful of is that with the best will in the world I would never earn close to what he does. So I suppose I do feel a bit like I’m taking advantage sometimes. Probably wrong though.

To be fair though, you were sacrificing your earning ability during this period in order to look after a child who is half his. So it's not like you had just 'stopped working', it is right that he supported you.

Despite the fact that we were married already, I still found the discrepancy between the two of us earning wise when I was on maternity leave really hard to handle. I still do, a bit - I made all the right choices for us and for our family but it's left me feeling a bit cross that now he earns twice as much as me. But you have to kind of put it down because you aren't two separate entities when you have children, you become one unit as a family.

When I say we split our money and then end up with equal play money, it works well because all of our individual costs are generally accounted for in the first instance. So for us, that includes his gym membership and child maintenance for DSS, it includes a healthy shopping budget, both life insurances, savings for Christmas and holidays etc. Our 'play money' is literally discretionary spends - kindle books, plants and expensive coffee for me, energy drinks and clothes for him. We treat bonuses as separate income and the person who earned it can treat themselves with it.

I don't understand why you need to pay half the mortgage and half the childcare when he earns double what you do.

Given he is meant to be a life partner, these costs should be proportional to earnings i.e. he should be paying double what you do.

He may well have expensive hobbies but between you, you now have a child. The costs and needs of the child now come first, both of you will need to adapt and for him one of these adaptations may be that he doesn't have as much time or money for his hobbies.

There was a sensible and clear example earlier. If you both pay in 75% you are both left with 25%. His will equate to more hard cash because he earns more than you. Does it need to be more complicated than that?

@Userrrr1234

teen like I say I do think that it’s me tbh. If I said ‘look DP, I need you to pay for these lessons’ he would. I just find it so difficult!

Then don't put yourself in a position where you need to do that.

I wish people would stop saying they don’t understand!

‘I think it would be fairer if you didn’t pay half the mortgage since he earns double what you do.’

There ya go, not hard, was it? When people say ‘I don’t understand’ I take them literally and think I’ve been unclear in my posts. Really annoying.

Yes nashville because 25% wouldn’t leave him enough for his personal expenses.

Maybe you’re right op I just don’t agree with it. I don’t think it’s good he has lots of disposable income and is paying for his expensive hobbies whilst you’re paying for swimming lessons for your child and are short. Swimming is an important life skill. And it’s very easy to say it’s a waste of time and refuse to put your hand on your pocket and look the other way. Shitty but easy and that doesn’t sound like a generous man to me.

However every relationship is different and if you’re happy with the way it works, then there is no point in asking on here, because your home life isn’t going to change in this regard.

It’s because I’m not asking the question you’re answering bluntness. That is all.

OP you really really need to sort this out now, and adjust your attitude. Right now you think he 'deserves' more because he's the higher earner and should benefit from that - hence why you're happy with £1000 spending money a month - which Inguarantee you'll spend most of on dc. And he gets £3000 a month. To spend on 'his own personal expenses' (car? Bike? Yacht?). Nice fun things.

You're saying you don't deserve to have more than £1000 a month spending money because....? Well why? Why are you devaluing yourself?

You're a family now. Not two individuals who share a house. And yet your scared of a silly conversation about £60 or whatever on baby swim classes.

You're equal adults and deserve the same.

You have a child and joint mortgage so you should have a shared pot of money to cover these expenses and this should cover things like swimming lessons for DC.

Why do you think he would say private swimming lessons are a waste of money? There's probably an advantage over lessons at the public baths, eg one to one, time or location convenient, go at the child's own pace rather than having to fit into a group.

It's not like you can't easily afford them - how is he with money generally - are his earnings much greater than his general expectations of spending/what things cost/what people like him have/do? Did he have a comfortable upbringing, or is the idea of having lots of money that can be spent freely something he might not be used to?

Ah, I now see that you're saying that he is a spender because 25% of his £4500 salary wouldn't be enough for his personal expenses, which means that he must be a bit spendy (or does he have other DC to pay for?).

But I agree with Bluntness that it doesn't fit that he 'needs' well over £1k pm personal spending money but would quibble over what is a fairly trivial sum on your income for a child's swimming lessons.

All three of you should enjoy a similar lifestyle.

Fairness means you both contribute to the household in the same proportion. If you don't earn the same then any other method will leave him with lots of extra cash compared to you. You might accept that but it's not fair.

If 75% is too high then adjust accordingly so long as expenses are covered. But you should adjust your contribution by the same amount.

Once a child is factored in lots of people have to make changes to how they live. What you're proposing might make you feel better but it's not fair to you and that was, I thought, the original question.

OP, I'm not going to say I don't understand so I'll follow your ask and say I truly truly disagree with your approach to this and worry that this will spiral over the years as expenses for your child/children get more and more

Who will pay for new clothes, shoes (bloody expensive!), wraparound car at school, presents to go to birthday parties, days out with the child etc.?

You really need to have an upfront conversation now. You say if you each put 75% in a joint account and leave you each with 25% then he won't have enough for his personal hobby..,,so what is that magic number? Is it leaving you both with 40%?

Work out what he needs for his hobbies and disposable spending, then work out %. And leave yourself the same. If what's left in the joint account doesn't cover ALL joint expenses such as food shopping, swimming lessons, clothes for DC, petrol etc then he needs to reconsider his personal hobbies

What wouldn't be far is him being left with 40% of his income and you only being left with 20% as you've had to make up more.

Yes he's lived the carefree life until he's 40 but he has a child now and is part of a family so needs to adapt to that with his spending too.

Your DP earns double so he pays double into the joint account from which all bills and joint expenses including childcare, holidays etc come out.
The remainder of your salaries is for your own personal spends such as hobbies or to save in your own account. If he can't then afford his hobby that's unfortunate.
How much do you each pay into pensions? I can guarantee you'll be disadvantaged there. Who'll be left with the DC if you split? You disadvantaged again. And you're not married?
Set up a standing order. Easy.

How about you lay in half the mortgage and childcare and then he pays his half plus all the bills. Then your leftovers will be a bit more equal. Generally it costs you more to pay for half of the groceries if he eats more and drinks more than you so don't feel bad about this. It is very easy for people to spend someone else's money, especially when they have plenty for surplus money. Be firm about this now or you will be out of pocket while he has even more personal money.

No idea re pension. Mine is just taken ruthlessly from my salary each month

These 'personal expenses' he has - he's just become a father. Does he really expect his lifestyle to stay exactly the same as it was pre-child? You don't do you? You've adjusted your spending habits to accommodate your baby. But you're bending over backwards to ensure he doesn't have to change his spending habits or lifestyle?

Why is that?

@Userrrr1234

No idea re pension. Mine is just taken ruthlessly from my salary each month

So, suppose he isn't bothering with a pension. When you retire how will it be if he has spent all his large income while you studiously saved?

I really don't understand this. Choosing (or even accidentally) having a child with a partner and by the time the child arrives not even knowing whether he is saving for a pension. (And I mean don't understand - how can people make a living human being together as partners and choose not to talk about basic finances?).

So, the way I read this is that he earns substantially MORE than you but.... YOU have to subsidise HIS hobbies. Because that's what's basically happening here.

In affect, you seem to think that the priority number 1 is to ensure there is sufficient money to pay for his personal expenses. But you haven't got any kind of similar thinking for yourself. So in effect, you're saying that money available for joint costs is money made up of your entire income and his income minus what he needs for his hobbies.

It's just bizarre. So you'll go without new clothes so that your DS can have swimming lessons but he gives up nothing?

It really is astonishing how you can't see that sacrifice for your DS needs to be equal.

I disagree with but can accept that you feel he needs more spending money because he earns more. But I cannot understand the lower income person subsidising the higher income person's hobby. I just can't.

And as has been said, at best, he's just clueless and you're so uncomfortable talking about money with him that you're sleepwalking into this. But at worst, he knows fully what he's doing - he doesn't want to be financially inconvenienced by having a child and he's happy for you to therefore pick up the slack. The fact that he thinks swimming lessons are pointless and therefore you must pay for them is a worrying sign that generous or not, he's in the latter camp.

We have a big disparity in income (I am the higher earner) and we have a joint account for all the main household expenses - mortgage/bills/food/council tax/pets/insurances/kids

We then contribute proportionally to it, so if that came to £1000 a month (I wish), and I earn 75% of our combined take home pay, then I put in £750 a month and he puts in £250

I agree whole heartedly with @TiredButDancing 's last post.

I know you don't see it this way as you've divided the money up differently in your head but this is essentially what is happening (or will when you return to work) whether you realise it or not.

Hoping this thread has given you food for thought and the realisation that you need to have a full disclosure conversation on money sooner rather than later

All our money is joint and all joint expenses like food, drink, toiletries, holidays, meals out etc come out of that. We each have a set amount each as spends / saves to with as we like and all our personal stuff comes out of that so for DH his hobby stuff, for me any clothes, jewellry, special skin care or haircare products not covered by basic toiletries. Works well for us. It helps that after 31 years of marriage DH is a kind and fair and generous chap and didn't care that he earned more but still got the same spends, he saw it as being a partnership.

What are these huge ‘personal expenses’ he has? Are we talking expensive monthly car finance or debt payments that he can’t get out of or just spending silly money on a hobby each month?

I think your proposal sounds fine OP. £1000 is a good amount to be left with for personal spends.

We work things out from a different starting point, work out all bills first, including what we save for holidays and so on, then fun savings - funds, then whats left...