How much should we each pay into joint account?

[Userrrr1234]

If you are very fixed in your views that all money should go into one bank account this may not be the thread for you!

I’m back to work soon after ten months on maternity leave. I will be earning £42000 and I think the take home pay is around £2400.

Nursery is £800 a month and the mortgage is £1000. They are the main shared costs.

I was thinking £1400 leaving me with £1000 for me. Does that sound fair?

We worked out our monthly outgoings (plus a bit extra), and each put a proportion of money in to the joint 'bills' account every month to cover it. Eg, if I bring home 2k and husband brings home 3k - I would put in 40% of the total, and he would put in 60%. This seems to work quite well for us.

I don’t think I am crazy but the problem is people are answering the thread based on what they think DP should do and in fairness I didn’t ask that. I asked what I should do.

@Userrrr1234

The problem with us ‘both having the same’ is that it just doesn’t work when there’s such a big variation in incomes.

If DP was to have the same amount of personal money as me (say £1000 to keep it simple) that would demand he puts £3500 elsewhere. Which would cover the mortgage, childcare, etc sure, but would mean he couldn’t pay his own personal expenses while money built up in the joint account.

Alternatively I pay less into the joint account but that still rather feels horribly like taking advantage of someone else’s money.

I just don’t understand this at all. As said we have our own accounts and a joint account, in our 29 years of living together we have always made sure we have the same disposable income to do with as we please.

Right now I’m earning double him, he used to earn double me (my salary escalated more) neither of us would dream of a situation where one had substantially more disposable income than the other.

Is he of the opinion his money is his and he’s entitled to keep more disposable income because he earns it?

Hot no it’s nothing to do with that. But neither of us are spring chickens and I guess we’ve just been used to a different kind of life. My personal preference would actually be for just one joint account where all the money goes and all the money is spent. I personally think that would be fairer. But that is not my call to make.

You do understand it -bluntness. What you mean is that you don’t agree with it, which is fine, but also not very helpful.

@ivfgottwins

This is going to be unpopular mainly because unlike many members I earn a lot more than my DH (x3) - all bills except childcare is split 50/50 (this is because we have twins and an onset child so the bill is more than our mortgage) - if he has less spending money then so be it. I didn't work my ass off to have a challenging and high pressured career to subsidise his beer money

This is my approach too. I earn 3x my partner, which is ironic as he is far more qualified than me and can work in higher paying industries; however, he chooses not to and complains when I work longer hours to complete projects.

The sacrifices I made to get to my work position were made by me alone. I have kids but none together so I'll be damned if I am carrying another adult due to their choices.

In your position OP I would say 50/50 for all household costs and make sure you do not sacrafice your earning power due to JOINT child/ren.

@Userrrr1234

The problem with us ‘both having the same’ is that it just doesn’t work when there’s such a big variation in incomes.

If DP was to have the same amount of personal money as me (say £1000 to keep it simple) that would demand he puts £3500 elsewhere. Which would cover the mortgage, childcare, etc sure, but would mean he couldn’t pay his own personal expenses while money built up in the joint account.

Alternatively I pay less into the joint account but that still rather feels horribly like taking advantage of someone else’s money.

There are lots of people on this thread who accept your idea that DH deserves more spending money than you and have offered solutions accordingly eg each paying a percentage and keeping a percentage back.

However, there are alarm bells ringing for me here. "taking advantage of someone else's money" is such an odd way to refer to you and your DP, who have a child together. I mean, sure, if you really believe that because you earn less you should not be able to do as many fun things, save as much etc, go ahead and do that. But it's odd how it only goes one way - ie you, as the person paying less, cannot benefit in any way from him earning more. But you don't seem to think that because he earns more perhaps it would be nice if he shared some of that largesse with you - his partner - and his child?

And yy to being a bit more thoughtful about what the bills actually are and who pays what because otherwise I can see this ending badly. Because you earn less are you also going to be the one who is expected to take time off work when baby is sick and can't go to nursery? Are you the one getting up in the night because he needs to be able to earn that big salary? All fine, if that works for you, but not if you're the one constantly being penalised.

@Userrrr1234

I don’t think there is a goal other than fairness really.

We do exactly this and my husband more than double what I do. We have an allocated pot each (£400) for personal spending on whatever we want and the rest of what we both earn goes into the joint account where it pays bills and savings.

space I think he does.

During maternity leave I have not given him a penny towards the home. He has paid for pretty much all groceries, taken on the car insurance for my car, bought a new carpet for my house (it is rented out) and given me £400. I can’t honestly say he isn’t generous.

What I am mindful of is that with the best will in the world I would never earn close to what he does. So I suppose I do feel a bit like I’m taking advantage sometimes. Probably wrong though.

If its not your call to make, is it his? Or is this a subject that you can discuss together? Maybe its a difficult topic for you both. Some people can find it very awkward to talk about money.

You say you aren't spring chickens, but you have a child together. That changes things surely?

You seem very focused on doing the right thing yourself and being very fair to him, but I'm not hearing you express any expectations of fairness of him. Maybe this is something to think about and talk through with some trusted friends IRL.

Yeah I think you’re right. It’s just a hard topic to discuss in all honesty. Problem is since he had 40 years without a child his lifestyle reflects this so he has a couple of not cheap hobbies. So that accounts for a lot of that high salary.

We go for equal contributions and each use our leftovers very differently. I have some major work expenses to save for in the next 5 years whereas the other half has an expensive show jumping habit.

@Userrrr1234

space I think he does.

During maternity leave I have not given him a penny towards the home. He has paid for pretty much all groceries, taken on the car insurance for my car, bought a new carpet for my house (it is rented out) and given me £400. I can’t honestly say he isn’t generous.

What I am mindful of is that with the best will in the world I would never earn close to what he does. So I suppose I do feel a bit like I’m taking advantage sometimes. Probably wrong though.

Well, it sounds like the worries about money are more in your head than in his, which is great. I remember a friend who was a SAHP, and who had moved countries because of her DH's job, telling me once that she felt uncomfortable spending money on herself because it was DH's money. I was young and single then and it made sense to me that she'd feel that way.

But... now, I don't get it. However, I also know that 20 odd years later, the same friend and her DH no longer have that approach. Money is just shared because they're a partnership. He still earns way more than her, but there's no longer any sense that she can't spend it. They do things together so neither of them wants to be in situation where he's wearing designer clothes and she's in primark.

I think you and your DP might get there as he's clearly not stingy. In which case, I honestly would recommend that even if you want him to have more discretionary spending, that you agree you both keep aside your agreed amounts and everything else is joint. Anything left can go to the mortgage or to savings.

I get it @Userrrr1234. Money can be almost taboo for some people. How we feel about talking about it is massively unfluenced by what the money situation was when we were growing up.

You know, you might find that he feels OK talking about it. He might not have the same discomfort as you. I'm super comfortable talking about money, but I have friends who just find it excruciating. They'd rather pay the whole bill at dinner every time (and then resent it), than have a 30 second conversation about how to split it. Everyone's different!

All money shared
Household and family costs from a joint account.
50/50 on the rest to each of you as personal money.

Unless DP is planning to leave you in the future in which case he needs to keep more of the money personally.

This is now a family unit surely?

The fair thing is that you, his life partner, the mother of his child, is not left scrabbling around to buy a winter coat whilst he leaves you to all the responsibilities of the child and buys himself a new BMW every other year. (Or you driving a 15yo banger whilst he has a new BMW every year).

You don't like being left with equal spending money. Fine.

I do worry that you paying 'half' the clear bills but not being clear on all the minor things will end up massively disadvantaged in the long run. There are just so many threads from women who sleepwalked into that position on here.

The 'fair' thing for you is probably paying roughly proportionately. But not paying it to him. Paying it to a joint account and he does likewise.

Hot yeah that’s me! Like for instance I’m paying for ds swimming lessons at the moment and I get the impression that dp thinks privately it’s a bit of a waste of money so for this reason I don’t feel I can bring up the fact it’s leaving me short. Which I know is bloody stupid.

It should be proportionate to earnings and you should have proportionate contributions to a pension and individual savings too. Personally I would have two accounts one for the bills that go out on direct debit or standing order, then one for the additional joint expenses such as childcare and joint socialising or holidays.

I would only have a joint account though if you are both on the same page about saving and spending. If not, I would just agree you pay for x and y and they pay for a and b and any joint expenses such as trips out and birthdays and kids clothes are agreed roughly in advance.

@Userrrr1234

You asked what you should do

So you need to ask yourself what you consider fair 🤷‍♀️ and that will primarily depend on the type of person you are? Entrenched in "traditional" ideals that the male breadwinner provides for the family and therefore tops you up (assuming you made no career decisions because of him) or an Independent woman who owns that she earns less due to their own life decisions and therefore doesn't need topping up?

Lots of women on here will consider fair that as the lower earner their personal money is topped up by their higher earning partner

Conversely lots of women like me who are the higher earner don't consider that fair and don't top up our partners 🤷‍♀️

It's what you are comfortable with and as a family is likely to result in the least resentment?

OP if you feel that having equal spending money doesn't work because he earns more, then how do you think SAHMs have any spending money?! I am a SAHM, it suits us both because I hated my career, and DH works a very unsociable shift pattern so childcare was a nightmare. So I earn nothing at all now and we Still work it so we have equal disposable income. So I'm a bit confused by your saying that it doesn't work when there is a discrepancy in earnings.

One other thing- you say that he has expensive hobbies so if you had equal spending money then his hobbies wouldn't be covered. But since you seem to have plenty of money left, why don't you allocate him enough for his hobbies also, then you take the same amount and either save it or get a hobby for yourself?

@Userrrr1234

Hot yeah that’s me! Like for instance I’m paying for ds swimming lessons at the moment and I get the impression that dp thinks privately it’s a bit of a waste of money so for this reason I don’t feel I can bring up the fact it’s leaving me short. Which I know is bloody stupid.

And there we have the first example of you being disadvantaged by your system. Swimming lessons for a DC are a joint expenditure. Carry on like this and your DP will think any extras for DC are a waste of money, and you'll end up paying for all of them...

re Expensive hobbies. When our DC arrived DH had to give up one of his hobbies due to time. But we knew that would have to happen. Maybe with a child your DP's expensive hobbies need to decrease from both a money and time point of view.

(Which of you is going to take responsibility of saving for the DC eg university costs?)

It’s been a really helpful discussion apart from the shrugging shoulders. We all know you earn loads ivf, that’s lovely, well done you

chocolate but that’s a bit different tbf. I wouldn’t be happy staying at home and being ‘allocated’ a set amount of money but that’s what would happen, which is a major factor in my wanting to return to work. A SAHM or parent is a joint decision. Again, I don’t think you seem confused, just that you don’t agree with our approach.

I don’t think I can really allocate a 41 year old man pocket money that he earned himself for his hobbies

After 20 years we finally moved to a joint account for bills. Only the household bills - mortgage, utilities, car stuff etc. I put in more because I earn more. Personal loans and credit cards etc are our own responsibility.

teen like I say I do think that it’s me tbh. If I said ‘look DP, I need you to pay for these lessons’ he would. I just find it so difficult!

But you aren't allocating it. You'll be making a joint decision on what's fair. Together.

Good luck